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Trying to Gracefully Disengage


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chickenlicken

My boyfriend has been married to someone else for over 20 years. I have been in a relationship with him for about 2 and a half years. I didn't know about the wife at first, it was about a year ago that he admitted he was married.

We live in the same city, we go out regularly, he spends about half of the week with me, including overnights. Before I knew he was married, we had sex in his bed. Her bed. On the family room sofa. I didn't know then. I really didn't. How could someone be married & spend so much time away from home? We did normal couple stuff, went to movies & cook-outs & dinner & drinks. Went grocery shopping together.

A girlfriend of mine bumped into a friend of his who told her that he was married. I questioned him, and he told me the truth. I told him that it was over. Over time, he wore me down, and in spending friendly time together, we ended up being back to the same old thing again.

 

Last November, I tried again to end it, I was tired of it, I wanted him all the time, I want to get married. Things went really badly, he started calling my work because I wouldn't answer his calls, he would track me down anywhere I was, he knows me, my friends, my family, the places I spend time at. I ended up filing a PFA against him, and things went even farther south...his wife ended up getting served with the PFA paperwork, he got into a car accident, he ended up getting arrested on something unrelated, and spent 5 months in prison before being found not guilty of all charges. When he was arrested his friend kept in contact with me, kept me abreast of what was happening, His wife asked his friend to ask me to call her, and I did. We spoke about him & what was happening with his case, what I was doing with the PFA...she wasn't upset at all, except about his arrest. It was beyond weird. She seemed very detached, emotionally, as far as the situation between him and I. In fact she didn't even really acknowledge it. I spent the entire conversation wide eyed & shocked.

 

He was released in early April. Things are right back where they were. I told him about a month ago that I want him to leave his wife, and that I want to get married. He told me he's not leaving her. I told him we can't be together. I don't take his calls. He calls my work, tracks me down, shows up at my house. I relent.

 

And repeat. Every couple of days.

 

The other day I was driving his car, and he left his credit card in the console for me to put gas in it. There was a hotel key in the console. I didn't ask him about it, I just told him I didn't trust him anymore, and I wanted to end it. He pressed me until I finally threw open the console, pulled the key out, and threw it at him. I jumped out of the car & stomped off across the parking lot to my own car, and he got out of the car & yelled after me, "you don't know how to communicate, blah blah blah, dumbass, blah blah blah". He has never talked to me like that. Anyway, the key was from a hotel that we had stayed at long ago.

 

The circumstances of his arrest essentially occurred because of me. It didn't have anything to do with the PFA, but a separate issue. It's a long, complicated story that I can't really talk about. It wasn't malicious, and I have never felt such self-hate as I did the entire time he was in jail.

 

He owns his own business, and it survived his absence under the care of the above mentioned friend.

 

Speaking of friends, I know them. All of them. I have met his mother, father, one of his 2 sisters, all three of his brothers, his step-mother, his cousins and aunts & uncles. I know the entire family. I haven't met his son. My face appears in pictures on facebook with his family. There is obviously a huge rift now because of the legal issues, but on my recent birthday, a few of them called to wish me a happy birthday, still.

 

I don't feel like the other woman. Until she calls. He speaks to her in front of me, sometimes on speaker. I've driven her car.

 

He is my boyfriend...almost. He takes my car for service. He fixes my toilet. He takes me out & holds the door.

 

It kills me because I want him, but he won't give me what I want, and I can't make myself believe that he really, really does love me if he won't either stay with me, or leave me alone. I've said to him, "do you want me to be happy? Let me go. Let me find somebody who I can have", and he just keeps telling me that if I do find somebody else, they'll never be him and they'll never be friends like him and me, or understand each other like we do. This is true, but at the same time, I'm not really happy. I adore him. He's hilarious, he's my FRIEND...he's been around so long now. My parents love him. They don't know. My best friend knows. But I want a life partner.

 

I am not ready to hear people say that he's a terrible person. I really, really want this to end in a very calm fashion. I don't know how to make him understand that, and I can't seem to maintain the strength to stop caving.

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He doesn't need to be a terrible person to do this. He has been honest and told you he isn't leaving his wife . You can't make him change his behavior. You can't make him leave you alne. It's you that has to change. If you can't, nothing will.

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Come on woman, "He is my boyfriend...almost. He takes my car for service. He fixes my toilet. He takes me out & holds the door."

 

You deserve more than that. Let us be realistic...it has been too long, > 2.5 years, he is not going anywhere.....he just need a chick aside....

 

If a man really wants you, he will devote his time and $$$ 100% to you, be with you, and stick with that.

 

 

My boyfriend has been married to someone else for over 20 years. I have been in a relationship with him for about 2 and a half years. I didn't know about the wife at first, it was about a year ago that he admitted he was married.

We live in the same city, we go out regularly, he spends about half of the week with me, including overnights. Before I knew he was married, we had sex in his bed. Her bed. On the family room sofa. I didn't know then. I really didn't. How could someone be married & spend so much time away from home? We did normal couple stuff, went to movies & cook-outs & dinner & drinks. Went grocery shopping together.

A girlfriend of mine bumped into a friend of his who told her that he was married. I questioned him, and he told me the truth. I told him that it was over. Over time, he wore me down, and in spending friendly time together, we ended up being back to the same old thing again.

 

Last November, I tried again to end it, I was tired of it, I wanted him all the time, I want to get married. Things went really badly, he started calling my work because I wouldn't answer his calls, he would track me down anywhere I was, he knows me, my friends, my family, the places I spend time at. I ended up filing a PFA against him, and things went even farther south...his wife ended up getting served with the PFA paperwork, he got into a car accident, he ended up getting arrested on something unrelated, and spent 5 months in prison before being found not guilty of all charges. When he was arrested his friend kept in contact with me, kept me abreast of what was happening, His wife asked his friend to ask me to call her, and I did. We spoke about him & what was happening with his case, what I was doing with the PFA...she wasn't upset at all, except about his arrest. It was beyond weird. She seemed very detached, emotionally, as far as the situation between him and I. In fact she didn't even really acknowledge it. I spent the entire conversation wide eyed & shocked.

 

He was released in early April. Things are right back where they were. I told him about a month ago that I want him to leave his wife, and that I want to get married. He told me he's not leaving her. I told him we can't be together. I don't take his calls. He calls my work, tracks me down, shows up at my house. I relent.

 

And repeat. Every couple of days.

 

The other day I was driving his car, and he left his credit card in the console for me to put gas in it. There was a hotel key in the console. I didn't ask him about it, I just told him I didn't trust him anymore, and I wanted to end it. He pressed me until I finally threw open the console, pulled the key out, and threw it at him. I jumped out of the car & stomped off across the parking lot to my own car, and he got out of the car & yelled after me, "you don't know how to communicate, blah blah blah, dumbass, blah blah blah". He has never talked to me like that. Anyway, the key was from a hotel that we had stayed at long ago.

 

The circumstances of his arrest essentially occurred because of me. It didn't have anything to do with the PFA, but a separate issue. It's a long, complicated story that I can't really talk about. It wasn't malicious, and I have never felt such self-hate as I did the entire time he was in jail.

 

He owns his own business, and it survived his absence under the care of the above mentioned friend.

 

Speaking of friends, I know them. All of them. I have met his mother, father, one of his 2 sisters, all three of his brothers, his step-mother, his cousins and aunts & uncles. I know the entire family. I haven't met his son. My face appears in pictures on facebook with his family. There is obviously a huge rift now because of the legal issues, but on my recent birthday, a few of them called to wish me a happy birthday, still.

 

I don't feel like the other woman. Until she calls. He speaks to her in front of me, sometimes on speaker. I've driven her car.

 

He is my boyfriend...almost. He takes my car for service. He fixes my toilet. He takes me out & holds the door.

 

It kills me because I want him, but he won't give me what I want, and I can't make myself believe that he really, really does love me if he won't either stay with me, or leave me alone. I've said to him, "do you want me to be happy? Let me go. Let me find somebody who I can have", and he just keeps telling me that if I do find somebody else, they'll never be him and they'll never be friends like him and me, or understand each other like we do. This is true, but at the same time, I'm not really happy. I adore him. He's hilarious, he's my FRIEND...he's been around so long now. My parents love him. They don't know. My best friend knows. But I want a life partner.

 

I am not ready to hear people say that he's a terrible person. I really, really want this to end in a very calm fashion. I don't know how to make him understand that, and I can't seem to maintain the strength to stop caving.

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whichwayisup

I am not ready to hear people say that he's a terrible person. I really, really want this to end in a very calm fashion. I don't know how to make him understand that, and I can't seem to maintain the strength to stop caving.

It'll end when you are sick and tired of the cat and mouse game. He knows you keep caving so that's why it's not over.

 

I do feel bad for you because you're really stuck and your mindset is messed up when it comes to him. Have you thought about seeking counseling to help you get out of this fog you're in, to help you get stronger so you can end this?

 

Affairs are messy and MOST end badly. Doubtful you'll have a happy ending here.

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chickenlicken

Wow! I'm really glad that I didn't get brutally attacked, him either. I appreciate that. I feel like it would have just caused me so much anxiety. I need to begin this process of disconnecting from him somehow, and I stumbled upon this forum, and I'm hoping it'll help. I can't keep living like this. This is not what I want.

 

I won't take any sort of legal action against him again. I don't think I'll have to, all I have to do is threaten it. He tells me all the time that he's afraid of me, and I don't blame him. I say that, but at the same time, if he had simply respected my wishes last year, this would be over, his wife wouldn't know, he never would have been in prison.

 

I guess I have a lot of guilt about that entire situation. The very few people who know the circumstances of that situation have told me basically the same thing; there's no way he'll ever forgive you. He could probably file a civil suit against me. I have to skirt this subject so much because it's too identifying & I just can't explain it here anyway. When I first spoke to him after his arrest, I told him what happened, and I apologized, and he said that he forgives me. I asked him HOW, and he said, "because I want to be forgiven". I tell that to my close friends, and they still say, "no. There's no way".

 

I look back on our relationship, and I can see that he requires a lot of praise. He loves it. His wife doesn't do it. He is very affectionate, physical, active, he has a huge personality.

 

His wife isn't who I expected. I was with him for a very long time before I knew about her. She doesn't wear any make-up, she doesn't have beautiful hair, she's about 6 inches shorter than me, but weighs more than me. She dresses like a business casual male. I feel like I know her. She has a personality. She talks a lot. She found a strand of my very long blonde hair laying on the kitchen floor the other day.

 

I don't think I'm unusual in most regards. I am 9 years his junior, he's in his mid 40's. I'm very tall, I'm a distance runner, so I'm in great shape. I'm a professional. I am a ten year homeowner. I love gardening. I love outside, & sports. I have a social life, and many hobbies & friends. I take care of myself, get my hair done & give myself pedicures & I love to shop & buy girlie stuff & high heels & purses. I feel like this situation isn't something that I'm supposed to be doing. This doesn't fit into my little "success story".

 

He is financially successful. He's overweight. His personality sparkles like a freaking diamond. He's emotional. He loves therapy. I guess he loves his wife too. He tells me that he goes to therapy & sits there & cries the entire time. When he gets home at the end of the day the therapist has left a voicemail on his housephone to make sure that he's ok.

 

I don't even know why I'm saying all this.

 

He's a mess. Right? I have everything I need without him. I have more than I need without him. And I'm wasting time.

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Sounds like this guy's life is full of drama and you are hooked on that, as well as him. He's just having his cake and eating it. He knows if you leave, he only has to come after you in a determined way and you give in. You know you are doing that.

 

It must feel like a familiar situation now too, almost like he and his family are your family. Perhaps you feel like you'd be leaving a whole family, if you opt out.

 

It sounds also like he's got a hold over you, as if you blame yourself for his prison sentence. If I understand what you are saying, you think he could sue you over it? If that is a possibility, it must make you fearful of walking out in case he does this.

 

There are just too many ties with this guy, locations, family, issues, events. Extracting yourself will be very difficult. Staying in the situation will be a constant reminder that he has a wife and he wants her too. Do you actually know what you want to do? If so, you need to make a determined effort to do it and cut ties. This relationship sounds more like the kind of network a drug addict gets involved in than a relationship. This is why addicts are encouraged to start new lives, away from former drug friends and suppliers. Not easy, but maybe necessary?

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chickenlicken

I need to update...

 

So my boyfriend and I have been kind of going back & forth the past week or so. He keeps telling me that I am different now, and I keep agreeing with him. I didn't know about the wife for a long time, and once I found out, it HURT, a lot. I began at that point half-heartedly trying to end the relationship. It hasn't been until the past few months that I've decided for sure that I want our romantic relationship to end. I know this'll never keep me happy. I need a constant partner who I don't hear telling lies to his wife. I want to get married & have a PARTNER. He told me he can't do that, and that is OKAY.

 

He has uncharacteristically kept his distance the past few days, and today we had lunch. He asked me why I seemed distant from him, and I told him that it's the same reason I've been trying to talk to him about for months; I want a commitment, & he won't give it to me. I told him that I like him as a human being, and I feel like if we keep doing this, he's going to hate me and I'm going to hate him. I don't want that!

 

I have been feeling awful about the fact that he has been disregarding my feelings & opinions on the matter. Today, finally, I heard him say something that just lifted this horrible heaviness, "I've been feeling like this isn't fair to you". I need that to not only be spoken, but to be acted upon. I know it's not fair to his wife either, before someone points it out. I really need him to act on that statement. I want him to be a good person, and letting go of this affair because he isn't going to leave is the right thing to do. It's never right to cheat. There is a part of me that is a little relieved that he isn't leaving his wife, because at that point, what do I do? Do I really want to allow a man to jump from his marriage to a committed relationship with me? My best friend is the only one who knows about his wife, and I've said to her 100 times that when their marriage falls apart the rest of the way, everybody around them is going to suffer from the fall-out. Or maybe it'll never fall apart. I don't know.

 

After our lunch today, he called me back at work & told me that he doesn't like that I'm giving him an ultimatum. I understand why he feels that way, but it's not really how I see it.

 

It is ok that he doesn't want to leave his wife. I'm not angry at him for that. It is ok that I want more than he wants to give me. I respect that he won't leave, I need him to respect that I want more than we have. Period.

 

I love him. He's my friend, he's been there for me, I've been there for him, I want a partner that does the things that he does for me...except I can't share a partner. Every bit of our conflict has boiled down to the fact that he won't be my partner. If he cares about me even a little bit, he'll understand, and let me go without a fight. I want that so much. I want to be able to smile & wave at him or even stop & chat if we bump into one another.

 

Sigh. I hope it can be done.

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your boyfriend??? are you kidding me! how can he be your boyfriend when he's in a committed relationship..... married, even?!

 

what a hoot.

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HonestNeurotic

 

 

 

I love him. He's my friend, he's been there for me, I've been there for him, I want a partner that does the things that he does for me...except I can't share a partner. Every bit of our conflict has boiled down to the fact that he won't be my partner. If he cares about me even a little bit, he'll understand, and let me go without a fight. I want that so much. I want to be able to smile & wave at him or even stop & chat if we bump into one another.

 

Sigh. I hope it can be done.

 

Unfortunately - going back to just friends or even casual acquaintances is usually impossible. Seems the only true cure is going no contact. Endings are always kinda sad - even when it's amicable - losing total contact is painful but it the one thing for sure that works.

 

Good luck!

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wanting more

I think it's really eerie that he "tracks you down" no matter where you are, calls your work and shows up at your house when you tell him you want it to end.

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chickenlicken

I feel like things are going pretty well. I continue to firmly repeat the same things over and over, and he seems to be respecting my wishes so far. There is a party that we are supposed to attend together this weekend, and I am unsure if he is going to attend at this point. I am hoping that he will tell me he has decided he doesn't want to. It's my party, or I was invited, he's my guest, & I kind of feel like I am not going to have a good time if he comes along. It isn't fun anymore...sadly. There's an elephant in the room most of the time. I can see it in his eyes. He looks at me intently & as if he's looking for something.

 

He isn't ever going to leave, that is what he's said, and if he does, he isn't going to come here. I want to get married, I know what I want, and he can't give it to me.

 

The comments that some of you have made are all true; I DO have myself together, and I truly believe that I'll be better off continuing to walk. I think that it would be easier to lose my temper & tell his wife, but I don't think that that would do/prove anything, except that I'm capable of being vindictive & human...yes. She isn't going to leave, it's going to hurt her. If there were a time to tell her, it would have been when I first found out about her, and that has expired. To do it now, I guess I could say, "she deserves to know", or whatever it is that people tell themselves, but what is the true intention of doing that? To force him out of his house & into mine? I don't know if I want that anymore. I have laid next to him so many times while he lied to her, and there are times that I call him & he speaks & I silently think of those lies....are they for me too? Why not? He tells me that he lies to protect her, but honestly, being a liar is easy & cowardly. She isn't stupid. She's college educated. I believe that she's socially "challenged", but on some level she knows that a marriage isn't supposed to be like theirs is. I want my husband to be my friend & be there with me on Saturday afternoon, and go for a hike, and come home & cook steak on the grill, & pick a Netflix movie with me for that evening. That sounds about right. And he doesn't do that. He's here with me, he goes shopping with me, he goes to my friend's cookouts, he goes with me to the grocery store, we go to the zoo....I feel like that is only temporary. Maybe the idea of paying a mortgage with someone ruins it for him. Maybe they argue over how much $$ they should be putting in their 401k's. Who freaking knows.

 

Sex is a big issue. I love it. He told me that she was with one man before she was with him. He says that she doesn't know how to do anything but "get f##*ed", and that she says it's his fault. He told me that he feels like if we slept in the same bed 7 days a week, that I'd be angry at him & not satisfied, sexually. I am in my later thirties, he's in his mid 40's. I'm in good condition, he's overweight...I have a good drive, and so does he, but maybe not enough to meet mine. Probably not. It's not the first time a man has told me that he doesn't know if he could keep up with me long term.

 

I try to control my emotions to a very great degree. I have a really frustrating job, so I have a lot of practice. I don't ever lose my temper, at least externally. There are times these days that I find myself wanting to lose it on him though. He tells me that he can see that, & that it scares him. I keep telling him that he should just let me be then, and he says he doesn't want to. I feel like I am begging him to stop, & for his own good, along with my own.

 

Last night he came to my house late, and I was very tired so had gone to sleep early. He called, & it woke me up but I didn't answer. I looked outside, and he was there, he pulled off. I let him go.

 

I don't really know what the purpose of this is, I guess I'm trying to get out my feelings & the facts so that I can keep them a bit more organized in my brain. People have been pretty nice, I guess. I guess it's hard to understand why the heart loves when there doesn't seem to be anything particularly lovable about a person. I'm not going to deny or defend that, but I hope that it can be respected that sometimes we love people for reasons that aren't tangible. In fact, probably most times, at least the kind of love that I want.

 

Have a nice weekend.

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Chicken, you want more than he is willing / able to give you. He's admitted as much. Wonderful as he is, you know he will not be able to meet all your requirements for a life partner since he is not willing to leave his W. You know all that. But, at the same time, he is your friend, your lover, your loved one. It's hard to walk away from that.

 

But you need to. As you get more frustrated by the limitations of your situation, you will find it easier. Be kind to yourself.

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Why are yoi setting the bar so low?? You need to disengage from this man for at least 6 months so you can detox. You will see clearly what I mean when you do.

 

i do not mean to judge anyone, but a mid 40 man who is overweight and in a long term affair has some impulse issues. Also he kept up his lie to you for over a year about being married? Had to find out from someone else about his marriage? had the nerve to bring you to his home and sleep in their bed? And a whole lot of other actions that are apaling!

 

But you concentrate only on the good he does. Look, everyone has a good side. Even sociopaths, narcissist,abusers,addicts and other men we need to avoid! This is why women stick around with losers. Opening up doors,buying flowers,taking their car to be serviced,mowing the lawn becomes more important than "CHARACTER".

 

There are motivational speakers everywhere telling people how to fix their lives. But after seeing in real life what women "accept" in order to have a relationship I think there needs to be a country tour of speakers who motivate women to seek men of character and integrity.

 

I have often wondered why it is such wonderful women settle for so little. I would rather be alone than to be with a man who is not equally yoked.

 

If I take care of myself physically and mentally, if I have good character and integrity, why would I allow a man with none of this into my life in such an important way?

 

Wake up women!!!!!!!!

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Chicken, you want more than he is willing / able to give you. He's admitted as much. Wonderful as he is, you know he will not be able to meet all your requirements for a life partner since he is not willing to leave his W. You know all that. But, at the same time, he is your friend, your lover, your loved one. It's hard to walk away from that.

 

But you need to. As you get more frustrated by the limitations of your situation, you will find it easier. Be kind to yourself.

 

 

Coco,

"wonderful as he is":sick: Everyone has the capacity to do nice things. even those who are not so wonderful as it keeps people around. Noone can be horrible all the time since they are wise enough to know everyone would run!

 

Requirement for a life partner should be one that is trustworthy,loyal,self aware,understands the meaning of love and not just infatuation, responsible,takes care of health,empathetic and so on.

 

Why,why,why is this lovely woman in her prime willing to settle? because she probably has such a good heart this man can manipulate her. men like that can spot a good caring woman from a mile away.

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