Feeling Stuck Again

[Goodbye]

It has been three weeks since our last email exchange. Today is the "anniversary" of when our PA began...a year ago today we went away together for 4 days and it is so stuck in my head. I've stayed busy, I've distracted myself, I've been going to IC. Right now I'm just completely hung up on feeling jilted. I vacillate between anger at being "duped" into believing he was divorcing and therefore wanting to out him (for spite, not "noble" reasons) to nostalgia and replaying the moments we had...and there were lots of very nice ones.

 

I know I should focus on fixing myself, and not worrying about him. I could be getting in shape. I could be finishing my PhD. I could be working on my house. I'm just stagnating, waiting to "get over this."

 

This situation is so hard because of the lack of closure. I realize closure isn't an "entitlement" in a relationship. He went from wanting to marry me to "needing space" after possible D-day. Yes, I have certainly learned from reading here that this is VERY typical MM behavior. I suppose I've just not yet accepted it.

 

OW/OM, please tell me how you are doing and how you are moving forward in your lives.

[ScarlettKaren]

Goodbye, I just passed the 3 year ann. of my A. (May 11th) and am 9 weeks on NC. I didn't have any closure either and I still oscillate between the same feelings of remembering the good times and mourning him completely.

 

As to how I am moving forward... I don't know. I think a lot about the line from Sleepless in Seattle. I get up everyday and breathe in and out and hope that it is better than the next. But I do I good deal of "when is this pain going to end?" as well. The heart has it's own timeline, I suspect.

 

I focus on house projects that I haven't gotten done and a job hunt since I truly dislike my current position. It helps, sometimes.

 

This week isn't the one for me to give advice... it's been a bad week for me. so maybe just ignore me completely.

[missy268]

You are so not alone in this

 

It's been 12 weeks since i last saw the guy i had an affair with, he was attached at the time. its been 10 weeks since we last spoke. He is now single so we could be together freely if we wanted to but he has completely ruined things between us by just stopping contact and not letting me in as to why, and other things as well which i dont really want to mention as these are things i can't get passed. He stopped texting and popping around, and i have no explaination from him - it's really hard! Makes me feel worthless, but really he is just a coward! if he cannot tell me why he is doing this to me, then he isn't worthy of me not the other way around. I used to blame me being 27 and him being 23 , and the gap, but my brother is 23 and he doesn't treat his partner in this way! so age is not to blame here!

 

I was fine for the first 6 weeks when i knew he was dropping it and not wanting to carry on anymore, then 4 weeks ago, he rang up where i work, and said to the manager "say hey to missy for me" then i'm back there.....i tried to get it off my mind..Why bother doing that? it's not nice!

 

There is a possibility at the end of the month i will come into contact with him at a works charity event we are all doing, and i am thinking of not going and taking part because I know seeing him again would really mess me up, but we still work for the same company just at different sites - so one day i will bump into him, so i guess i need to look for a new job. I am also studying Law as well which keeps my mind busy and i am out meeting new people, but i've not met anybody with the same connection and chemistry I had with my ex AP. I guess i need to stop comparing everybody to him.

 

A friend of mine said to me yesterday that it was about time i let go, she is right, i have done in a way, but i will find myself refering to him in conversation and just thinking if hes okay, or if a song comes on. We were friends for 4 years and its hard to just forget. I dont mean to think about him. I have to remember the guy is a jerk! but i can't believe he is, its so awful!

 

He put me through a lot, he used me, and i am devastated. That's going to take a lot to work through. He doesn't realise what he has done to me, and how he has effected me, and my life. I let him back into my life after 11 months NC - oops! i was doing so well, and i'd even found somebody else i liked, we didnt have that chemistry but he was absolutely gorgeous, and a genuine guy who liked me too, and Guess what i messed up, that other guy walked away from me because he told me i was "pre-occupied" yes i was, with my stupid ex AP who had just turned up on my door step and kissed me at christmas time after 11 months!

 

If he comes back for a third time, he will be told all of this, and given the letter i have wrote to him which is abotu 10 pages long. I just want it done with but until i leave the company we both work for - i don't think its going to be that cut and dry as my work place has memories too

 

I have rattled on a bit there, but you're not the only one who feels this way. I am trying to move forward by just getting through everyday, my friends have been brilliant reminding me i am worth more, and i really am! i deserve to be somebody's first, not second or third etc and i deserve not to be kept a secret. I deserve to be loved properly and have that, and i will hold out for that and never get involved with an attached man again.

 

xx

[Elfie]

It has been three weeks since our last email exchange. Today is the "anniversary" of when our PA began...a year ago today we went away together for 4 days and it is so stuck in my head. I've stayed busy, I've distracted myself, I've been going to IC. Right now I'm just completely hung up on feeling jilted. I vacillate between anger at being "duped" into believing he was divorcing and therefore wanting to out him (for spite, not "noble" reasons) to nostalgia and replaying the moments we had...and there were lots of very nice ones.

 

I know I should focus on fixing myself, and not worrying about him. I could be getting in shape. I could be finishing my PhD. I could be working on my house. I'm just stagnating, waiting to "get over this."

 

This situation is so hard because of the lack of closure. I realize closure isn't an "entitlement" in a relationship. He went from wanting to marry me to "needing space" after possible D-day. Yes, I have certainly learned from reading here that this is VERY typical MM behavior. I suppose I've just not yet accepted it.

 

OW/OM, please tell me how you are doing and how you are moving forward in your lives.

 

Goodbye - sorry to hear you are struggling. )(Hugs))

 

I would have reached the 1 year mark in a while, and while my MM wasn't too good, there were alot of things I'm missing, so I'm trying to think of where I'd like to be 1 year from now, rather than think back 1 year.

 

I'm also thinking of all the things I won't miss, and I'm trying to ONLY think of those, less any nice thought or memory should pop in If I fall backm I might even write them down, as I believe seeing something has a stronger effect on our mind than feeling something (maybe, I dunno )

 

So, where would you like to be 1 year from now? Think of the mental, emotional, financial, physical aspects, work/life/home/vacation etc, and focus your mind on them.

 

Think of something you'd really really like and give your heart to it.

 

Stay strong, and lots of good luck xx

[Goodbye]

Thanks ladies...knew you'd understand. I know there isn't much advice to be given. Just learn from mistakes made and let time heal, I suppose.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Anniversary dates - yeah those are tough. It is amazing how those things will pop up and bite you in the a**. Now it's a little less and a day will pass and I will be like "wow - I didn't really think about him much today". This I know though - I believe in my heart it's harder on him because he has like an idetic memory - he remembers EVERYTHING - dates, times, places, etc. I do, but nowhere near what he does. Those are ingrained in him for all of time.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It will get better, but I still have moments. Mostly, for me now, it's friendships and loss in that way. It's not that I even want to be with him physically, it's missing the friendship and even the friendship of his wife and missing watching his kids grow up and having them involved in my family's life and milestones like recitals, graduations, etc. Missing our church involvement together, music, etc.

 

This is what makes me the saddest when I think about it - such great losses. I wish I could create a magic pill to make it all better.

[veryhappy]

Anniversary dates are tough, both yours and theirs. To me the most difficult was going through the weekend I knew they were going to celebrate a round number of years being married. You know what happened? I felt better afterwards. It's easier to let go once you feel worse. It's also likely that he's having to go through the same emotions, maybe not as intense.

 

You just keep going and hope for the best. The only way to do it.

[GettingOver]

Goodbye, I feel for you! I am sending you hugs!!!

After I decided to cut contact with my MM I was fine first couple of days, then my mind started dragging me back to him, nostalgia, etc... How nice and beautiful it was, how "poor him" was stuck in a bad place, had no choise... My back started hurting from this thought. It happened once already last year after the first break up. Was really bad. So to save my back I went out ot the town, and I started thinking of the BAD things he did, promises undelivered, I remembered how he sais he couldn't drop me a line for a whole week as he fell of the bike:lmao:, etc., etc. I though that I have really done nearly more then possible to be with him, he started taking me for granted at the end I gues(( So in any case, I say to myself, if it is ever meant to be - I have to save my pride or whatever that is left from it.

I still love him, but the decision feels right this time and i can live without him.

[loredo21]

yup. yup, yup, yup. to everyone.

(((Goodbye))) <3

[RickFox]

It has been three weeks since our last email exchange. Today is the "anniversary" of when our PA began...a year ago today we went away together for 4 days and it is so stuck in my head. I've stayed busy, I've distracted myself, I've been going to IC. Right now I'm just completely hung up on feeling jilted. I vacillate between anger at being "duped" into believing he was divorcing and therefore wanting to out him (for spite, not "noble" reasons) to nostalgia and replaying the moments we had...and there were lots of very nice ones.

 

I know I should focus on fixing myself, and not worrying about him. I could be getting in shape. I could be finishing my PhD. I could be working on my house. I'm just stagnating, waiting to "get over this."

 

This situation is so hard because of the lack of closure. I realize closure isn't an "entitlement" in a relationship. He went from wanting to marry me to "needing space" after possible D-day. Yes, I have certainly learned from reading here that this is VERY typical MM behavior. I suppose I've just not yet accepted it.

 

OW/OM, please tell me how you are doing and how you are moving forward in your lives.

 

I've said it before I'll say it again. This is normal and Im not so sure it changes as fast as we want it to or think it should. I have gone thru anger, rage, forgiveness, indifference, no indifference, sadness, happiness all in a span of a couple days. This would be the time of year where xmw turned on me and ran back to her M with nothing other than a never talk to me again and a "stalker" or two comment thrown in.... angry? yeah, many a day I am... happy, if I think about it enough I'm glad it's over.... forgive'? Hell no, I don't forgive and I don't forget... hated my father for 30 some odd years and I finally let that go...so now I've got PLENTY of room to hate someone new.

 

How do you move forward? What other choice do you have? Get angry, grieve, yell, tell them off in your head and then use the rest of the day to get sh*t done.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I've said it before I'll say it again. This is normal and Im not so sure it changes as fast as we want it to or think it should. I have gone thru anger, rage, forgiveness, indifference, no indifference, sadness, happiness all in a span of a couple days. This would be the time of year where xmw turned on me and ran back to her M with nothing other than a never talk to me again and a "stalker" or two comment thrown in.... angry? yeah, many a day I am... happy, if I think about it enough I'm glad it's over.... forgive'? Hell no, I don't forgive and I don't forget... hated my father for 30 some odd years and I finally let that go...so now I've got PLENTY of room to hate someone new.

 

How do you move forward? What other choice do you have? Get angry, grieve, yell, tell them off in your head and then use the rest of the day to get sh*t done.

 

You wouldn't believe the conversations I have in my head - they are good ones - I just hope I get to use them one day - they are good!

[Praying4Peace]

You wouldn't believe the conversations I have in my head - they are good ones - I just hope I get to use them one day - they are good!

 

Seriously Lilmiss...you were outed in Church like something out of The Crucible while he hid like a little weenie. How manly. I'm sure he sees a real stud when he looks in the mirror. But you gained the respect of your community getting through that! So GO YOU.

 

I feel stuck at least one day a week. It used to be every day. Before that every hour. It'll always be there but i can shove it to the back of my mind in a 'box'.

 

(((Goodbye)))- I hope you are feeling better now. Let your anger come...i.e. see RickFox's post for guidance (he should give a workshop on it...lol)

[WakingUp]

I don't know if this will help... but Goodbye you ARE moving forward.

 

You are out of the affair and that is the best way to start!

 

Staying in or resuming the affair is the real definition of stuck. Believe me on this.

 

I am cheering for you! I really want to watch your progress. Just keep with it girl, one foot in front of the other. I am sure there will be setbacks, but just keep going, don't look back.

 

Sending hugs.

[Goodbye]

I spent a lot of time really thinking about what is holding me back from healing. I think I need to forgive him. Not in words or writing, just in my head. This anger I feel just fuels my mind. I need to just accept that he DID love me, he DID lie to me, and ultimately he chose to stay in his marriage...and that is OK. It is even OK for him to handle that however he decides...it isn't my place to dictate his future by telling his wife anything about the relationship. I'm just babbling, I know. I seriously think I need to go speak with someone at my church about how to forgive. I'm not religious, but I don't even know how to start the process of forgiving him; but I believe that is what I need to do. Forgive him, let him go, and take whatever my life brings me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I spent a lot of time really thinking about what is holding me back from healing. I think I need to forgive him. Not in words or writing, just in my head. This anger I feel just fuels my mind. I need to just accept that he DID love me, he DID lie to me, and ultimately he chose to stay in his marriage...and that is OK. It is even OK for him to handle that however he decides...it isn't my place to dictate his future by telling his wife anything about the relationship. I'm just babbling, I know. I seriously think I need to go speak with someone at my church about how to forgive. I'm not religious, but I don't even know how to start the process of forgiving him; but I believe that is what I need to do. Forgive him, let him go, and take whatever my life brings me.

 

You are on to something here. This is truly what it's about. And you know what? It's a daily choice as well. I don't know if anyone can actually help you forgive, but I think you are on the right oath with your thought process already, it just takes time. And you are right - you have to accept what is NOW and be okay with it. It may not be what it is tomorrow, but it is what is right now.

 

About two years after it all blew up, I sent my xom a message on a site I knew we were both on (even though his profile was a "fake" profile I knew it was him).. It said something like this. "This is for me, and only me. I forgive you. I have grown so much in the last few years. I am strong now. I have let it all go".

 

I know he got it - there was a flurry of activity right after he did. But for me it was freeing. There was never any response and that's okay - I didn't expect one.

 

I know him well enough he is dealing with his own demons. I can't help him with that and honestly I don't want to.

[gross1016]

I know how you feel, I had my Dday and its not a good time. The last time I had some CT was a week ago by email also. MW said to me that I am not supposed to see you so i can make marriage work. I still don't understand what that means, but what I am doing is volunteering at some animal shelters, working out again, and trying to stay busy. It's hard for me because I am home all day. So I know how you feel all to well. Hang in there and you be alright.

[BrokenPrincess]

It's been 5 weeks NC for me....but the exciting news is that I just had to actually pull up the calendar to check!!!! Don't use that as a benchmark though...because it's only been 5 weeks since breakup #2 (initiated by him).

 

After breakup #1 (his DDay), we went 4 months NC, and almost every day I felt stuck. This time around, I've actaully hit some days of indifference, much less obsessing, mostly because now I have no hope of hearing from him. Occasionally wondering instead of completing preoccupied with how he's faring, what he's doing, thinking, etc.

 

So lots of great progress, been feeling almost normal again, then BOOM! Had a random dream last night that I had set up a boudoir photo shoot to take pictures for xMM (what?!) and afterwards, I headed to his house because we were openly a couple now. This was definitely a dream though because I drove there in my last outfit from the photo shoot--a black lace bustier with matching lace short shorts and 6" heels with all these straps and ribbons that laced up all the way to my thighs like a ballerina.

 

WTF. I don't think "stuck" describes how I am feeling now at work...more like rattled, maybe? Stupid dreams

[Goodbye]

Ladies, thanks for sharing your own stories of healing.

 

June 7th was pretty hard. I guess on some level, I'd hoped he'd email or call to say he was thinking of me too. But, he did not. I suspect he may be on a tight leash now.

 

I'm really working on trying to fix my life, and the hole in it that some how allowed me to fall so deeply in love with a married man who continually deceived me and let me down.