Letting to. Struggling with "finding the truth"

[GettingOver]

Dear all, I had nearly a 2 year long affair with a MM. With one break up and getting back together. After second attempt things changed a bit, I would say it was less intensive and not so affectionate.. I felt less effort from his side. Recently I told him that it has to stop cause besides that we have no future we don't have any more present (LDR, skype occasionaly, no visits planned anymore). I said I needed a break to sort me out and get over. He agreed, said he understood me, promised to not bother me and that he is always there in case I want to talk. One week later he skyped me with a short update on his life and saying smth like - "I hope we just can talk from time to time". I responded, he responded, it again turned into a discussion why he was that helpless in his situation and still is. Drama. I feel like he is so poor-poor guy and his arms are tied even if he loves me to death.

The question here is: did anyone ever feel that when you are talking to your MM you think he is really honest and open with you, but the FACTS show different? I just need a reality chech in here. The facts are:

- he claimed he lived separately from his wife. I visited him twice in his country and never stayed at his place, only hotels

- we never did video skype, every time I asked there was an excuse

- we had a deadline for him to make a decision re D till New Year 2012. When it came I had to ask. He said that he had no place to live and has to save for one, before that it doesn't make sence (like people can't rent???). I was shocked and asked it he was actually getting D or not. He said he wife would not agree and without her concent it could take up to 3 years but he'd go to court and apply. I asked to send me a scan of application (he would always ask me to send him a scan of my visa to just feel happier that I'm coming). He said that he actually never went to court and went to the lawyer. The lawyer told him that it is 3-5 years waiting time without W's concent. I asked if we can just live together while waiting? He said no, cause then the W would discover and clean him completely for infidelity. Drama, no way out.

- he said his daughter had anorexia because he was not living at home, but at the moment they discovered anorexia he (according to him) was not living there for 2 years+visiting on a daily basis, staying there on weekends

- he said that when he came back home his kids (14 girl, 18 boy) jumped on him with tears of joy in their eyes and they all slept together in one bed (that could sound true is they were 4 and 8, or am I missing smth????)

- when my grandmother died I broke NC longing for him and he would just stop responding to me after 1-2 emails

- hi did not give me a birthday present for my last birthday (we were travelling). He bought me a dress though BUT only cause we were passing by the store, not makeing it special. For my previous birthday he rented a good hotel, brought wine, prepared a bd card and gave me a pearl necklace and earrings!

- once he had not emailedme for 5 days cause he fell of a bike and streched his LEG

Ufff, I guess enough. I really want to get over and LET GO. But when I talk to him I always fell like his is that honest, and he is saying that he is honest and that I am a drama queen and all the above doesn't count. I only feel bad that it all happened due to evel Destiny and that I could stay by his side and love him though he is sayingI should move on. Did anyone ever experience this?....

If someone wants to read more,my story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/322382-another-sad-story.

[Goodbye]

Dear all, I had nearly a 2 year long affair with a MM. With one break up and getting back together. After second attempt things changed a bit, I would say it was less intensive and not so affectionate.. I felt less effort from his side. Recently I told him that it has to stop cause besides that we have no future we don't have any more present (LDR, skype occasionaly, no visits planned anymore). I said I needed a break to sort me out and get over. He agreed, said he understood me, promised to not bother me and that he is always there in case I want to talk. One week later he skyped me with a short update on his life and saying smth like - "I hope we just can talk from time to time". I responded, he responded, it again turned into a discussion why he was that helpless in his situation and still is. Drama. I feel like he is so poor-poor guy and his arms are tied even if he loves me to death.

The question here is: did anyone ever feel that when you are talking to your MM you think he is really honest and open with you, but the FACTS show different? I just need a reality chech in here. The facts are:

- he claimed he lived separately from his wife. I visited him twice in his country and never stayed at his place, only hotels

- we never did video skype, every time I asked there was an excuse

- we had a deadline for him to make a decision re D till New Year 2012. When it came I had to ask. He said that he had no place to live and has to save for one, before that it doesn't make sence (like people can't rent???). I was shocked and asked it he was actually getting D or not. He said he wife would not agree and without her concent it could take up to 3 years but he'd go to court and apply. I asked to send me a scan of application (he would always ask me to send him a scan of my visa to just feel happier that I'm coming). He said that he actually never went to court and went to the lawyer. The lawyer told him that it is 3-5 years waiting time without W's concent. I asked if we can just live together while waiting? He said no, cause then the W would discover and clean him completely for infidelity. Drama, no way out.

- he said his daughter had anorexia because he was not living at home, but at the moment they discovered anorexia he (according to him) was not living there for 2 years+visiting on a daily basis, staying there on weekends

- he said that when he came back home his kids (14 girl, 18 boy) jumped on him with tears of joy in their eyes and they all slept together in one bed (that could sound true is they were 4 and 8, or am I missing smth????)

- when my grandmother died I broke NC longing for him and he would just stop responding to me after 1-2 emails

- hi did not give me a birthday present for my last birthday (we were travelling). He bought me a dress though BUT only cause we were passing by the store, not makeing it special. For my previous birthday he rented a good hotel, brought wine, prepared a bd card and gave me a pearl necklace and earrings!

- once he had not emailedme for 5 days cause he fell of a bike and streched his LEG

Ufff, I guess enough. I really want to get over and LET GO. But when I talk to him I always fell like his is that honest, and he is saying that he is honest and that I am a drama queen and all the above doesn't count. I only feel bad that it all happened due to evel Destiny and that I could stay by his side and love him though he is sayingI should move on. Did anyone ever experience this?....

If someone wants to read more,my story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/322382-another-sad-story.

 

 

 

Oh man, do I feel your pain. As I'm sure you know from reading here, what your MM is doing is not uncommon. My ex-MM was also deceptive and used the long distance to create a façade of living separate lives from his W.

 

You've got to cut him free. He is a Master excuse-maker. I despise it when MM use situations with kids as an excuse. Not ok. Should have thought of that one before getting together with you.

 

You deserve better. I know too well how those Skype conversations go right down hill when he starts stammering about how he can't do this or that, pooooor him. Nope. He is a grown man making selfish choices that are hurting you.

 

Send him a NC letter. Make it clear he isn't to contact you in any form. If YOU (and only you know this) love him enough that, inspite of what has transpired, you still see a future should his life ever change, tell him to contact you by phone ONLY when he has supporting legal documents to demonstrate he has taken action.

 

Good luck.

[GettingOver]

Thanks, Goodbye!

The point is I do think that a serious illness of your child IS an excuse or reason. BUT all the other facts seems unrealistic which makes me think he is faking smth (((. And him saying "oh, I understand you so much, you should find a better man than me" make me feel guilty and not looking for another man you know! But when I look at FACTS I feel like an idiot cause they seem rediculous to me!!!

I did tell him to stop and give me space but I still feel kinda bad cause I am leaving the poor guy and love of my life who is so miserable in his trap ((

[Goodbye]

A sick child is an excellent reason that he, as a DAD, needs to focus his energy on his daughter. It has NADA to do with his being married or not. I think it is a little sick that he told you the "cause" of the anorexia is his "not" living there...when I highly doubt he was ever even living away. Regardless, the guy sounds like he has a full plate and no room for you in his life right now. Don't be guilted into thinking this is because he is a dutiful dad. It is because he doesn't have his act together.

 

IF his daughter is really sick, I truly feel for her and hope that BOTH parents will do all they can to get her the help she needs.

 

All you can do is say your goodbyes and stick to them. I'm sorry. Take care of yourself, your sympathies are misplaced. Just guessing, but this older man of yours is a master manipulator and has managed to get YOU to feel sorry for HIM and has gotten you to communicate with him while he continues on in his married life abroad.

[GettingOver]

A sick child is an excellent reason that he, as a DAD, needs to focus his energy on his daughter. It has NADA to do with his being married or not. I think it is a little sick that he told you the "cause" of the anorexia is his "not" living there...when I highly doubt he was ever even living away. Regardless, the guy sounds like he has a full plate and no room for you in his life right now. Don't be guilted into thinking this is because he is a dutiful dad. It is because he doesn't have his act together.

 

IF his daughter is really sick, I truly feel for her and hope that BOTH parents will do all they can to get her the help she needs.

 

All you can do is say your goodbyes and stick to them. I'm sorry. Take care of yourself, your sympathies are misplaced. Just guessing, but this older man of yours is a master manipulator and has managed to get YOU to feel sorry for HIM and has gotten you to communicate with him while he continues on in his married life abroad.

The point is... I also doubt that he ever lived alone, facts show he did not. I can believe the girl could have had anorexia, BUT for a different reason! Like if he left and wouldn' show up in her life, abused her or the mother, her broken heart, or just thinking she was too fat... I was always wondering.. If this guy is just extremily stupid OR a master manipulator as you said!!! this is the question that bothers me most of all!

I do want to concentrate on me, I do want to detach myself fromhim. I just wanted to know if anyone felt like that as well. Now I know I am not alone! Thank you!

[Goodbye]

GO, I certainly feel that way...would love to know the "truths." I was having a difficult time, yearning to know the truth even if it meant exposing the exMM by contacting his wife. Earlier this week he broke NC and sent me a ridiculous email, filled with more promises and excuses and I just snapped. But I snapped in a good way. It made me feel indifferent. It is great and I hope it sticks. I'm so sick of wanting the truth, wanting explanations and yearning for him...wonder why I wasn't good enough. I hope you find indifference. Your lying exMM may just drive you there!

[GettingOver]

I am looking forward to idifference! I was thinking of checking if he ever changed his regisration as he said he did (in order to apply for divorce in his coutry he has to OFFICIALLY live separately). But another country... If I fugured he did not, I guess I would just block him and tell him if he contacts me - I'd call police. I would not forgive that.

Edited May 24, 2013 by GettingOver