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first few days since NC


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I am a MM in a long marriage, children, and have been involved with a MW for little over a year (she has a child), but have known her and been mutually in love with her for two years prior. We have worked together. What started as an emotional affair became sexual eventually. Both of us describe the affair as almost spiritual, and the most intense and most intimate relationship we have ever had.

 

Our affair came to light in early January of 2013. The reactions of our spouses could not be more different. My W, though devastated, did not ask me to leave and even tolerated me seeing the OW and having contact with her. She hoped I would come to my senses and psychologically return to the marriage. She is wonderful person, ethical to the core, and genuinely wants my happiness; however, I have never felt about her the way I do the OW.

 

My lover's husband, OTOH, went completely nuts. Raged. Really tortured her on an emotional level. He is very emotionally fragile and attached to her and she feels imprisoned in her marriage. There is stability and comfort, and also guilt and responsibility.

 

She has wanted to leave the marriage there, and we have made plans – practically and financially – to divorce our spouses and realize the dream. Still, she has been paralyzed by guilt. Though not in love with her H, my lover is constantly plagued by him keeping tabs on her, calling her incessantly. We have both been in therapy, and even had our own couples sessions from time to time, but the obstacle always seems to be her feeling that she feels she is responsible for his life. He has threatened to kill himself if she leaves and she has really struggled with what to do. She wants to leave him, but the guilt in unbearable. He moved into a hotel for a few days at one point, but she let him back because of sobbing and pleading. Of course, he hates me with all his being, and has made many threats to her and myself, has called me.

 

I have given her many deadlines over the past several months, which always come and go with no significant action on her part, whether its her or her H moving out, filing for divorce, or carrying on our relationship in the open. She always keeps me hanging on with more promises, and we have had a hard time going without contact. Our record until now was 29 hours.

 

Most recently, she asked me another two months extension for her to figure out what to do. She is in marriage counseling with her H, and she wants to continue to emotionally separate from him, but she refuses to put family or social obligations on hold, and has really hard time confronting him about the future of the relationship, to really be honest with him how she feels about me and what she wants. He either scares her by threats and raging, guilts her, or elicits her pity.

 

I cannot put my family (or myself) through any more of this, and I said No to her request and asked for NC until she could demonstrate "momentous action" to me..that I could not go forward on promises, and the sneaking around (I see her less now than I did before d-day). She did not want to break contact, but said she would honor my request.

 

At any rate it's been about two days since last contact. We have never gone this long. I miss her terribly, and am in so much grief and pain. I'm very tempted to contact her, but I do don't feel it would do much good, just prolong the situation. I don't feel she will leave her husband, and I need to get back to my life and family, and work which has suffered through all of this tension and drama. She is the great passion of this life for me, but she is held in check by guilt and responsibility.

 

I never thought two days could last so long..

 

Thanks for listening..

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0hellogoodbye0

Being truthful, I feel putting your entire family through something like this is extremely selfish. Logically speaking if she wanted to leave her husband she would have already left him. Why invest so much effort in to somebody new who is married and unsure about their devotion to you? I wouldn't expect that two married people could both just leave their present spouse and magically live ever after without major problems. My advice is to work on your relationship with your spouse and be so grateful she has stuck with you despite your disloyal behavior. Goodluck.

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secretlady76

I am sorry you are in this situation. I fear it is only going to end one way.

 

She seems to be using her husbands behaviour as an excuse not to leave him. She is saying all these things to you but if she really did want to be with you then she would make it happen. I am afraid her actions do not match her words.

 

This could go on for some time and she still will not have left.

 

Your best bet is to stay No Contact and say to her you are not interested in hearing from her again until she has left him. Otherwise, she will keep you on the backburner.

 

On a seperate note, there is no way you can fully focus on your marriage until your OW is out of the picture. Yes yes yes, I know you say you haven't felt this way about your wife that you do about your OW, but you're not comparing apples with apples. You're comparing a marriage with all its good and bad, with an affair; which doesn't have any of the real life challenges etc. People are on best behaviour in an affair. It is a situation for dreams and fantasy...not reality.

 

I see much heartache for everyone if this affair continues. You have the chance here for damage limitation and to walk away. Do it.

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spice4life

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time right now. I can understand her guilt and responsibility because I went through that myself before I was able to make the final decision to leave my exH many years ago. Divorce is not easy and it's even harder when one is dealing with someone who is off balance emotionally. Givr her some time and space to sort out her thoughts. If she is serious about leaving then this back and forth she is going through is her just building up the strength to leave. It sounds like she is not at the tipping point yet - meaning the point of no return. Once she reaches that things will move quickly if she is truly serious about leaving.

 

One thing you can do is let her know you will be there for her if she is serious. She needs to show she is serious, but she may be afraid of the uncertainty of what happens after. How will she live, how will the children react etc. If you are serious about your intentions then you need to find a way to let her know you're there and won't abandon her. She's afraid and it takes a lot of resolve to take the final step, but she has to build herself up to that first and it's a process.

 

I could be wrong, but you will only know by asking her about her fears. She may also be wrecked with guilt about breaking up your family too.

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First off, I can relate to the feeling of desperately separated "soul mates." It hurts like hell, especially when one of you seems quite stuck. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

However, I need to ask the big question...Why are YOU still with YOUR wife? You've given your AP ultimatums, but you are still married? Just because you have an unusually patient and openminded wife, doesn't mean that is the greenlight to walk all over her. You have stated you are in love with another. You have a soulmate who isn't your wife. Regardless of whether or not your AP can find it in herself to extract herself from her marriage, you stay in yours? Why? Aren't you making your wife a second place ribbon? That just doesn't sit right.

 

I've divorced a very possessive man, and there wasn't an affair going on. It is complicated and difficult. If your AP wants to leave, it will take her a while. Be patient, but don't drag your poor wife down into the toilet water with you. Either re-commit to her or set her free. Just my opinion.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your pain. These complicated love dynamics are brutal.

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thefooloftheyear
First off, I can relate to the feeling of desperately separated "soul mates." It hurts like hell, especially when one of you seems quite stuck. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

However, I need to ask the big question...Why are YOU still with YOUR wife? You've given your AP ultimatums, but you are still married? Just because you have an unusually patient and openminded wife, doesn't mean that is the greenlight to walk all over her. You have stated you are in love with another. You have a soulmate who isn't your wife. Regardless of whether or not your AP can find it in herself to extract herself from her marriage, you stay in yours? Why? Aren't you making your wife a second place ribbon? That just doesn't sit right.

 

I've divorced a very possessive man, and there wasn't an affair going on. It is complicated and difficult. If your AP wants to leave, it will take her a while. Be patient, but don't drag your poor wife down into the toilet water with you. Either re-commit to her or set her free. Just my opinion.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your pain. These complicated love dynamics are brutal.

 

 

Very well put.....

 

TFY

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spice4life

Goodbye is right. The fact that you are straddling two worlds isn't exactly giving her a sense of security about the relationship between the two of you. You are basically telling her you have someone your happy with so its no big deal if she chooses not to leave. That doesn't exactly give someone - who is dealing with a difficult situation - a sense of security in the relationship!

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Thank you for the honest and helpful replies..

 

I do love my wife deeply, and we remain very good friends. This friendship transcends the marriage in an existential sense. I offered to leave, and she knows I would be willing to leave tomorrow if she asked. I'm in a second career, and the considerable assets I acquired in the first career would retained by her and in trust for me kids. I care nothing for money, and only wish their security. We have discussed the possibility of me leaving anyway, assuming I cannot form a romantic bond with her. Whatever happens, we care for each other and will remain friends. Commitment is not just marital commitment.

 

My wife does feel betrayed, but I am not in a agreement with the second place ribbon notion, though I understand how someone would feel that way. I don't feel second, because my lover will not leave her husband. The psychology of it is more complex than that. They are just two different kinds of relationships, formed at different point in our developmental histories. We may need one kind of relationship in one part of our lives, and another kind in another part. I have no regrets about my marriage or the affair. They both have been vibrant relationships.

 

At any rate, I would tend to agree with the suggestion that my lover won't leave, but I am wrestling with the idea of perhaps just letting her know that I am still in the picture of the time being if she can make the move, sort it out. But I do worry it will open the floodgates of contact..and I will strung along while she nurtures her husband's fragile sense of self and sees me on the side.

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Praying4Peace

Hi,

 

I'd like to share my experience with you as a MW who got a D due to an affair, and yes it was definitely because my exMM asked me to- it was so we could be together (we aren't, but that's another story).

 

Anyway, what she's saying is true. She is not playing games with you and she's not enjoying some crazy sex on the side and the slow process has everything to do with the process and nothing to do with her feelings for you.

 

My exH moved out to an extended stay or a hotel at least 4 times. Each time after a huge blowup. He'd pack and leave, then he'd cry and beg. He'd text me all night long saying I had broken him, that I should just shoot him in the head it would be kinder than what I am doing to him. He'd cry and he'd rage. He'd call me a whore and the love of his life. He would sob to come home, he wanted ME to ask him to come home. He said he couldn't live without me and he couldn't live knowing I left him for someone else. He does NOT handle stress or his emotions well, its part of his personality.

 

After a few days he'd come back home, and just sleep in another room. It was still his home with his things and his kids. I could avoid him. Anything that was happening with him moving out could happen with us together in the home. I felt it was childish of me to ask him to move out. It was to take a break from the long conversations and hellish mood swings and to protect the kids from a toxic environment.

 

Despite everything, this was a man that I loved enough to marry. He is the father of my kids. If I break him- if he has a nervous breakdown or does something stupid...I have taken the father of my kids away from them. And I have hurt someone worse than I ever wanted to. I knew it was all my fault and it gave me tremendous guilt. In my mind I knew that he deserved someone who would love him enough to never cheat on him.

 

If at that point my exMM had been calling me and accusing me of stringing him along or taking too long or anything like that I would be livid. And he did. Wondering what was going on. Were we back together? Were we having sex? What's going on? At this point you need to trust her to end the marriage on her own terms. You can't do it for her and she has to still have some self respect with the way she handles the situation. The fact that she took him to counseling is WONDERFUL. I think a third party needs to get involved.

 

For the previous poster who doesn't understand the moving out and back again thing...that's naive. Even my exMM- his W would storm out and go to a hotel and then call him constantly crying. She'd have the kids with her and tell him they wanted to come home. She'd come back with no begging on his end. Its her home, its her right. This happens very often.

 

I want to know why you've gone NC with her. That is not a good move. You should go LC. Show her empathy and understanding and support. I needed it. It gave me strength. Right now you are going to get people who put ideas in your head about her stringing you along. Maybe she is. Look at the evidence in your mind. Only you know your situation. I don't and no one else posting knows it like you do. Is she stringing you along or is she being responsible?

 

I always think of those medical shows where they are separating conjoined twins. Divorce is kind of like that. You don't hack the body in half. You do it carefully and with time and thought so each half has the best chance of surviving afterwards. She still has a long way to go...filing for the divorce and then negotiating child custody and finances. Its better to go through that when your H is not going crazy and screaming suicide.

 

Anyways- I would suggest talking to her about your feelings. Tell her you trust her to do things the right way. Then, please get started on your end. That might give you the empathy you need right now. This is just the start of a really painful part of your journey to be together, since that is what you decided.

 

Just so you know- my D was final 2 weeks ago. My exH and I are good friends. I think he'll thank me one day and I hope everyday he finds a woman who will make him happy. We have a great custody arrangement, we can go out and be in the same room together with the kids if we need to, we always help each other out in kid related situations. We communicate and coparent well, but we know that our marriage had reached the end of its time and to stay together would be a scam. Our kids are happy and there is no stress. It took about a year to get here and a separation where he had his own apartment.

 

Good luck to you...

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Thank you Praying4Peace..you describe my situation very well..Yes, partly why I am here is not knowing how to handle the boundary. I do feel strung along, but I don't think she is doing that intentionally. She is afraid she will destroy and wreck her husband with divorce, but does not want to let me go either. She realizes it will take longer than she thought to extricate herself emotionally and psychologically from that relationship. In fact my MW has used the very medical metaphor you have..

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spice4life
Hi,

 

I'd like to share my experience with you as a MW who got a D due to an affair, and yes it was definitely because my exMM asked me to- it was so we could be together (we aren't, but that's another story).

 

Anyway, what she's saying is true. She is not playing games with you and she's not enjoying some crazy sex on the side and the slow process has everything to do with the process and nothing to do with her feelings for you.

 

My exH moved out to an extended stay or a hotel at least 4 times. Each time after a huge blowup. He'd pack and leave, then he'd cry and beg. He'd text me all night long saying I had broken him, that I should just shoot him in the head it would be kinder than what I am doing to him. He'd cry and he'd rage. He'd call me a whore and the love of his life. He would sob to come home, he wanted ME to ask him to come home. He said he couldn't live without me and he couldn't live knowing I left him for someone else. He does NOT handle stress or his emotions well, its part of his personality.

 

After a few days he'd come back home, and just sleep in another room. It was still his home with his things and his kids. I could avoid him. Anything that was happening with him moving out could happen with us together in the home. I felt it was childish of me to ask him to move out. It was to take a break from the long conversations and hellish mood swings and to protect the kids from a toxic environment.

 

Despite everything, this was a man that I loved enough to marry. He is the father of my kids. If I break him- if he has a nervous breakdown or does something stupid...I have taken the father of my kids away from them. And I have hurt someone worse than I ever wanted to. I knew it was all my fault and it gave me tremendous guilt. In my mind I knew that he deserved someone who would love him enough to never cheat on him.

 

If at that point my exMM had been calling me and accusing me of stringing him along or taking too long or anything like that I would be livid. And he did. Wondering what was going on. Were we back together? Were we having sex? What's going on? At this point you need to trust her to end the marriage on her own terms. You can't do it for her and she has to still have some self respect with the way she handles the situation. The fact that she took him to counseling is WONDERFUL. I think a third party needs to get involved.

 

For the previous poster who doesn't understand the moving out and back again thing...that's naive. Even my exMM- his W would storm out and go to a hotel and then call him constantly crying. She'd have the kids with her and tell him they wanted to come home. She'd come back with no begging on his end. Its her home, its her right. This happens very often.

 

I want to know why you've gone NC with her. That is not a good move. You should go LC. Show her empathy and understanding and support. I needed it. It gave me strength. Right now you are going to get people who put ideas in your head about her stringing you along. Maybe she is. Look at the evidence in your mind. Only you know your situation. I don't and no one else posting knows it like you do. Is she stringing you along or is she being responsible?

 

I always think of those medical shows where they are separating conjoined twins. Divorce is kind of like that. You don't hack the body in half. You do it carefully and with time and thought so each half has the best chance of surviving afterwards. She still has a long way to go...filing for the divorce and then negotiating child custody and finances. Its better to go through that when your H is not going crazy and screaming suicide.

 

Anyways- I would suggest talking to her about your feelings. Tell her you trust her to do things the right way. Then, please get started on your end. That might give you the empathy you need right now. This is just the start of a really painful part of your journey to be together, since that is what you decided.

 

Just so you know- my D was final 2 weeks ago. My exH and I are good friends. I think he'll thank me one day and I hope everyday he finds a woman who will make him happy. We have a great custody arrangement, we can go out and be in the same room together with the kids if we need to, we always help each other out in kid related situations. We communicate and coparent well, but we know that our marriage had reached the end of its time and to stay together would be a scam. Our kids are happy and there is no stress. It took about a year to get here and a separation where he had his own apartment.

 

Good luck to you...

 

Excellent post praying4peace! This should be pinned at the top for others who are in the midst of this and wondering if they are being strung along.

 

Vesper, I had a close friend while I was going through the very process p4p describes and I needed that person there for support BECAUSE of the back and forth. It was an extremely tough process and there are moments of weakness untl you finally get to the point where you finally do it and its done for good. She needs support not abandonment.

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spice4life
Prayingforpeace, how long do you think one should wait for the other to take action. Talking about feelings and being supportive is all well and good, but for how long? Months? Years? You left your husband but as far as I know your MM never left his wife. We have seen tons of posters on this site who have supported and empathized with their MW/MM and waited patiently just to wake up some day and realize that it was never going to happen. The promises were just empty words and were never going to come to fruition.How long do you suggest that someone keep their hopes pinned on a fantasy. When I say the MOW is stringing the OP along I don't mean that she is deliberately and maliciously doing this. She may or may not be but what difference does it make if she has no intentions of following through?

 

The advice of no contact is not to punish or hurt the MM/MW, it's to give the OW/OM the chance to heal and the ability to protect themself. The advice to stay in contact and continue to support and empathize with the MOW/MOM seems to weigh heavily in favoring the feelings of the MOW/MOM and disregards what is best for the OW/OM. Sure, if the OP stays invested and attached and supportive of this MOW it MIGHT pay off and she might leave her husband and the OP MIGHT leave his wife and they will happily be together but you know it's unlikely and that it usually doesn't pan out that way. The chances of the OP and the MOW both leaving their spouses and ending up together is very slim. It doesn't sound like the best advice to tell this OP to continue to drag this out and continue this ongoing pain for everyone. If the MOW wants to leave her marriage she will. The OP has no control over weather she divorces or not.

 

Unless you've experienced this it is hard to know what it is going on in this situation. I've been through it and if she is going through what I did then your advice is off base. Something in his story made feel she is very much going through what I went through when I was leaving my husband.

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Vesper, I had a close friend while I was going through the very process p4p describes and I needed that person there for support BECAUSE of the back and forth. It was an extremely tough process and there are moments of weakness untl you finally get to the point where you finally do it and its done for good. She needs support not abandonment.

 

Yes, thank you, it is tempting to judge her relationship with her H using my marriage as a template. My wife and I are very open in communication, have always been, and stay with it. We do not rage and call each other names, and we are not emotionally enmeshed. So, I am realizing I need to be empathic with my lover's process, though obviously this cannot go on indefinitely. I will need to decide what to do, move and wait for her or put it away if it looks impossible.

 

I may certainly lose my marriage anyway, real possibility. But I am rather taken aback by those who insist that it's tragic. It's not, deeply sad, maybe.. but a relationship has its phases of development, its own life and death.

 

As far as courage is concerned. It has taken courage to live my own life, not to live the one people expect me to live, and for my lover to stop taking responsibility for her H's life.. Moreover, courage is not possessed like an object or an essence but cultivated. See Aristotle for details. And what looks like courage to one, to another looks like cowardice (i.e., bowing to convention). It depends upon your interested perspective. See the Nietzsche for details.

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I question your open communication with your wife. Had it been so open, you would have shared the affair with her prior to a dday. I wonder if she feels as enlightened and smug as you appear. My guess is she's making her own plans for leaving you while appearing calm and compliant.

 

Sorry, I have misused terminology ("dday"). I willingly told my wife about the affair during one of our periodic discussions. We have always had "check in" talks about our marriage every so often. She did not catch me in the affair. Admittedly, I concealed it for a long time, as did not know where it was going. It's hard to be sure about anything so intense and emotionally driven.

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ComingInHot

vesper wrote, " I have given her many deadlines over the past several months, which always come and go with no significant action on her part, whether its her or her H moving out, filing for divorce, or carrying on our relationship in the open. She always keeps me hanging on with more promises, and we have had a hard time going without contact."

 

Alright vesper, you wrote a Load above so I'm going to break it down so you can give me clarity which Others here may need as well. :)

 

-" I have given her many deadlines over the past several months, which always come and go with no significant action on her part..." = what "action" have you taken? Have you filed for D?

 

-" She always keeps me hanging on with more promises, and we have had a hard time going without contact." = What are your promises to her? Are they anything like the promises you made to your W?

 

Why haven't you filed for D?

Why won't you file for D?

Don't you think your W deserves D from You?

Are you secretly afraid to be w/out a woman to care for you?

Shouldn't your W be FREE to find the Love of Her life?(please don't say she already did w/you...)

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How did your MOW's husband find out? The way you wrote your OP it sounded like you were both outed. And it was still a dday, even if you told. The affair was discovered, no matter who did the telling.

 

The affair was discovered by my wife asking this question: "Is there anyone else?" And me answer "yes" and giving the details. But it does matter who does the telling as it undermines your original assertion around our openness. You have changed arguments now.

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vesper wrote, " I have given her many deadlines over the past several months, which always come and go with no significant action on her part, whether its her or her H moving out, filing for divorce, or carrying on our relationship in the open. She always keeps me hanging on with more promises, and we have had a hard time going without contact."

 

Alright vesper, you wrote a Load above so I'm going to break it down so you can give me clarity which Others here may need as well. :)

 

-" I have given her many deadlines over the past several months, which always come and go with no significant action on her part..." = what "action" have you taken? Have you filed for D?

 

-" She always keeps me hanging on with more promises, and we have had a hard time going without contact." = What are your promises to her? Are they anything like the promises you made to your W?

 

Why haven't you filed for D?

Why won't you file for D?

Don't you think your W deserves D from You?

Are you secretly afraid to be w/out a woman to care for you?

Shouldn't your W be FREE to find the Love of Her life?(please don't say she already did w/you...)

 

The action I have taken is openness with my wife, that I see my lover, that I wish to be with her..but that I also love my wife and my family. My lover has not been that open with her husband. Divorce papers are part of this process but are merely procedural in an ultimate sense. What is more fundamental is one's desire and what understanding can be worked out with the others one cares about (this includes my wife and my lover). What my wife deserves is up to her and her own self assertion. I love her and cede to her the right to make her own decisions. I am not afraid to be alone, but certainly it will be difficult to leave my wife and children, with or without my lover. Again what kind of relationship my wife can accept (friendship-marriage or romance-marriage) is up to her. She should be free. What she wants is up to her. I am not standing in the way of that. She knows how I feel about everything. I respect her desire for me to leave, or for me to stay while this goes on and is resolved.

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It's not an argument, just trying to understand your story. How did your MOW's husband find out?

 

Your original statement contained an argument, but I misused "dday" so no problem. My mistake.

 

My lover also told her husband on her own a day or so after I did, but the results, as I implied, were wildly different.

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ComingInHot

Sooooo, you want an "open" M? Is that why you're upset with MOW? She has failed Your deadlines for telling Her H she wants an open M in a way that he can comprehend?confused:

 

I'm a bit lost on Who you Want to be with. It comes across (to me) that you are only w/your W & kids because MOW hasn't left her H/filed for D yet. Am I wrong or did I miss something?

If my H explained this to me, I'd feel very much like second choice. It would destroy me all over again... :(

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Praying4Peace

Vesper- I don't get it. You told your wife you were in love with someone else and she's okay with it? Why haven't you guys filed for D? I think you filing will kick start more action on your MOWs end. If you second guess each other it'll never happen. Don't play the "you go first" game. Be a man and do what you intend to do and she will see that and know your intentions for her are real...and yes that DOES make a difference.

 

Just know that a quick google will tell your MOW that you will NEVER LEAVE for her. The whole world will tell her it won't happen. No one is going to believe you. And all her information is going to come from these sources. It's your job to show her that you are the exception to the rule that is plastered all over the internet (assuming you are). ACTIONS. Go file...

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Vesper, the more I think about your post, the clearer it becomes. You stated all these reasons that your mow isn't leaving and you tried to make her look like the one who is unable to actually act, but..........(and it should not be discounted by posters here), that you yourself are still right there with your wife still.

 

So seems to me that neither one of you really wants to do what it takes to be with the other person, and neither one of you are done with your own marriages for x, y or z reasons because you both are still with your spouses.

 

The question you raise is a good one, and the one that I am wrestling with at the moment. But, the difference is that I have stated a clear intention to my wife as well as my lover as to what I will do. And I would do so immediately if the opportunity arose. My lover is still uncertain about her husband's emotional state and is protecting that for the time being. So when/if our intentions are both clear, we will act in relative unison.

 

The fallacy that you are operating under is that because something has not happened, it means it will not. You are merely pointing out a point in time (this moment) and generalizing far beyond that (next month). All of this is in flux and remains to be seen. If my lover demonstrates more to me than her love for me, some action in emotional/physical separation, then the situation becomes more congruent.

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Praying4Peace
The question you raise is a good one, and the one that I am wrestling with at the moment. But, the difference is that I have stated a clear intention to my wife as well as my lover as to what I will do. And I would do so immediately if the opportunity arose. My lover is still uncertain about her husband's emotional state and is protecting that for the time being. So when/if our intentions are both clear, we will act in relative unison.

 

The fallacy that you are operating under is that because something has not happened, it means it will not. You are merely pointing out a point in time (this moment) and generalizing far beyond that (next month). All of this is in flux and remains to be seen. If my lover demonstrates more to me than her love for me, some action in emotional/physical separation, then the situation becomes more congruent.

 

Vesper what you are saying makes sense 100%. But what if she has the same requirement as you...? Its a sensible one. But if you both have the same train of thought nothing will happen, you both will assume the other isnt interested, and you both will stay with your spouses. I got my money on that.

 

She's giving you 'words' and watching your actions. You're giving her 'words' and watching her actions. Whoever goes first is in danger of being alone forever.

 

This just shows the lack of trust you have in each other so you don't really deserve to be together.

 

I suspect in a few weeks your MOW will tell you to go 'blank' yourself for keeping tally and score on what she is or isn't doing while you keep your back up plan all nice and cozy. Why should she go first?

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spice4life
Vesper- I don't get it. You told your wife you were in love with someone else and she's okay with it? Why haven't you guys filed for D? I think you filing will kick start more action on your MOWs end. If you second guess each other it'll never happen. Don't play the "you go first" game. Be a man and do what you intend to do and she will see that and know your intentions for her are real...and yes that DOES make a difference.

 

Just know that a quick google will tell your MOW that you will NEVER LEAVE for her. The whole world will tell her it won't happen. No one is going to believe you. And all her information is going to come from these sources. It's your job to show her that you are the exception to the rule that is plastered all over the internet (assuming you are). ACTIONS. Go file...

 

To the bolded, Praying4peace, you are spot on!

 

Vesper, it is your job to show your OW that you are the exception to the rule if she has taken the step to tell her husband and put herself through living h*ll since. Women are usually more resolute than men when it comes to following their words up with actions regarding leaving a marriage. It may take some time to work through the guilt and responsibility, but if she means it, it will happen. If you turn negative and start losing faith in her you will only prolong the process. Support her when she needs it and give her space when she is trying to do all she can to move through and survive the process. She is living under the same roof with a husband who is vacillating between laying guilt trips, throwing fits and lashing out in anger and then crying, begging and pleading. My guess he's calling her all kinds of names to boot. How would you feel if your wife was doing this to you? If you love her you need to have some empathy and compassion.

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I waiting for my lover to be more open with her husband about her intentions. Currently, he knows she has seen me, and sees me from time to time, and knows that she is not happy in the marriage and wants her own life. However, he does not know she wants a life with me; he does not know the gravity and seriousness of her feelings for me. He thinks there he has a chance to salvage the marriage (and he is right, I guess for now), until she can manifest to him without ambivalence that she wants out. If she can see me openly, I will move on to the next step.

 

It is hard to communicate the level of enmeshment she has with her husband. Though there is not much romantic feeling, there is so much dependency and need on many fronts. Do not mean to be judgmental about it, but it's there.

 

However, I realize that I may need to be the first to jump in this situation, by the way. I get it. But, I would like a bit more clarity of intention from my lover, and some demonstration of that before I leap.

 

Thank you for the replies..you have clarified my process.

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Yes, you are correct here I think.. and she did contact me today since my post. Things seem to be moving again. I have been in front on this relationship in terms of progress, but more recently I have expected more from her than I have been willing to do. So I think it's my turn again I think to up the ante. I will need to leap, and take that risk.

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