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What are you generally like in non-A relationships?


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Praying4Peace

And were you different in your A? For example- are you usually shy and unsure of yourself? Do you usually open up easily and share a lot? Are you the one that the opposite gender is tripping over to get a date with? Can you usually get who you want? Were you the sentimental type? What were you like before the "A from Hell"?

 

And did you find yourself the same or opposite in the affair context?

 

I'm just curious- reading the Dickwad thread...maybe we can aspire to be the people we were before this.

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And were you different in your A? For example- are you usually shy and unsure of yourself? Do you usually open up easily and share a lot? Are you the one that the opposite gender is tripping over to get a date with? Can you usually get who you want? Were you the sentimental type? What were you like before the "A from Hell"?

 

And did you find yourself the same or opposite in the affair context?

 

I'm just curious- reading the Dickwad thread...maybe we can aspire to be the people we were before this.

 

I felt like I was completely my self in my A, I felt like I was with my best friend and best lover Ive ever had. EVERYTHING was fun and exciting and I was proud to have her on my arm! I never wanted to leave her side and vice versa. In my normal relationships Ive dated women who were more attractive (a few 10's) and my MW was a 7.5 or so but the feeling and attraction was so much different then the 10's. Normal times its just not exciting or I get bored fast. Its almost like it was better oddly enough!

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ViresSanctity

I was once counseled by a man who lost his identity in a relationship. He calls it the "faces of love."

 

We each portray a different face depending on the relationship we're in and the people we are dealing with. He reminds me that it's important that we keep our face of love stable and consistent with everyone we're dealing with. It helps us retain our values, our core personality, and our sanity in the process. If he/she for example decides to go their way and it differs from yours, say "that's fine," and "I'll continue going my way."

 

Having said that, I was very confident and bent on "doing what's right even if it's not in your best interest" sort of person. I lost my esteem to her due to being with someone who was able to completely strip away who you were and made you uncertain about every thing. A lady who's rarely available when a man emotionally and physically needs her because she has her options between two made me feel like *rap*.

 

I'm 16 years younger than her husband, physically more attractive, more virile in bed, more passionate and romantic than him, have longer term goals and opportunities to provide a brighter future for her and yet I questioned if I was a better man than that.

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And were you different in your A? For example- are you usually shy and unsure of yourself? Do you usually open up easily and share a lot? Are you the one that the opposite gender is tripping over to get a date with? Can you usually get who you want? Were you the sentimental type? What were you like before the "A from Hell"?

 

And did you find yourself the same or opposite in the affair context?

 

I'm just curious- reading the Dickwad thread...maybe we can aspire to be the people we were before this.

 

There are different ways to answer this for me.

 

I am a different person now in general, as I've grown a lot since my A, and my A started when I was a lot younger and just in general, being younger and less experienced, just meant that I hadn't grown fully into who I was as a woman (still growing ;)). So that alone means how I date now and view relationships and conduct myself are a bit different.

 

I was most comfortable with him and we were most compatible of anyone else, however, one difference I noted, was the level of my insecurity and jealousy was greater than in my normal single relationships. It wasn't constant but I felt there were more arguments and incidences of disagreement spawned from insecurity and jealousy than in other relationships. The only time I felt a similar kind of insecurity and jealousy was with another guy I dated who was emotionally unavailable. This led me to realize that the unavailability was what created my feelings of insecurity and jealousy and just a level of anxiety that's not present when I KNOW I am my bf's one and only and feel secure that he is where he wants to be, is choosing me and will be there.

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HonestNeurotic

Wherever I go, there I am.

 

Always striving to be a better person to the world.

 

I must say that my AP really doesn't see all of me. I don't hide myself at all, but he has made a rather impossible pedestal for me to be perched upon. But the nature of the affair deems it so that he's never really going to see the real me.

 

I don't think that the affair has changed my interactions with others. Surely I wear a certain mask for those in my life that I don't really want to deal with but I have to. Like my parents. Or the crazy rednecky neighbor. Being myself just irritates them, so I just hide me for a little while. But not with people that I am friends with. Or dated. Certainly not MM.

 

Since my divorce that is. I so was trying to be this normal person for all those years and I just stopped doing that after I got divorced. It seems to me that affair or no affair, so many people are not honest with themselves. IMHO - as always.

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I am absolutely 100% a better GF than an OW. In real a relationship I am able to be fully present, fun loving and adventurous and I was not able to be any of those in the affair. I had to hold back and as a result I never ever felt fully comfortable. Definitely not a road I will ever ever travel again. Affairs suck...period.

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I have been myself, and totally honest about my thoughts and feelings. I am generally like that in relationships, once past the initial glow. I tend to think the things that are kind of scary to voice are the ones you have to voice to see if there's a future together or not. I prefer to get those slightly scary questions out there, so that there's not too much invested before finding out about some critical point of departure. That's been the same in the A as in any other relationship. More so, in fact, because a lot of those questions came out before PA. If he wasn't married, the physical side would have started much earlier and with more doubts about what the other wanted in life, personal values etc.

 

So that's been a bit different - more caution before any physical contact. I should say even more caution, because I'm pretty cautious in general when it comes to getting involved, but once involved, emotionally and physically, I don't hold back. Hmm...realising a pattern there. I hold back initially, then when I think it's safe, or I'm willing to take the risk, I go all in. I'm not very good at casual relationships.

 

I guess because there is so much as stake in the A, and I'm afraid of being resented in the long term if this isn't what he really wants, I'm far more likely to try and keep this all 'wait and see', make no plans or demands, and make sure he knows this. In other relationships, once they got going and we started thinking and talking about the possibility for a future / kids / living together, I tended to throw my chips in and go for it, knowing that a broken heart was possible but believing 'nothing ventured, nothing gained', and that broken hearts mend. In the A, I'm skeptical of everything, I'm protecting myself from broken promises by not asking him to make any and not making any myself. It's like - there is far more at risk. There are other people involved, it effects their life. I'm trying to pace myself, give it lots of space, not rush into anything, reflect much more on what I'm feeling and try to reduce it. Try to be sensible....realistic....throw cold water on the passion rather than enjoy the ride.

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BrokenPrincess

I think my answer is two-fold: my MM had brought out certain parts of me and the A dynamic has as well.

 

With MM, I am myself but he brings out different parts of me (compared to my H). Our sense of humor is very similar and he makes me burst out laughing so hard. I have never laughed with anyone as much as I do with him. He makes me more physically excited than anyone else, and for the first time on any relationship, I've enjoyed moments with him as the aggressor, teasing him, etc. I can't decide if its because its HIM specifically or just the nature of am A with nothing to lose?

 

The dynamics and constraints of A however are tough for me...I am usually an open book, no games, and I like to have partners that are my best friends and do as much as possible together all the time. I did feel like that with MM pre-DDay, but now that we're underground, it has been harder for me to adapt to "life as the OW" I'm not good at putting my guard up--I'm much more of a heart on your sleeve kind of girl, but I've been trying to make an effort not to let myself get too attached because (a) he's not really mine and (b) I haven't forgotten how gut wrenching the 4 months of NC were after DDay.

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