goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 am finding it really hard, if painful, to hear my (married) lover mention that he's going away somewhere warm with his wife next week! Doesn't appear that their grown children are going with them either. Think at times like this (in particular) it makes you feel like breaking it off, regardless of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I think it's a reality check, that he is in this with you on an affair level only and you may hope for more, that he will leave and divorce his wife. The thing is, he IS where he wants to be. Are you where you want to be? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I know what you mean. those are the 'flashing light' moments as my friend calls them. Like, how do we not see them and just stop? I had one last night b/c my idiot self was looking around facebook and saw that his family member had written this long post wishing them a "happy anniversary and happy 13yrs of marriage.." etc. And I just started crying. Again. Flashing light. We're worth more. Maybe this will help you to see it some. Sorry you're feeling this way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I think it's a reality check, that he is in this with you on an affair level only and you may hope for more, that he will leave and divorce his wife. The thing is, he IS where he wants to be. Are you where you want to be? No I'm not. I said a bit more about the situation in the nearby (someone else's) thread, re having a bad day. I think he was rubbing my nose in it tbh, or checking my reaction maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I know what you mean. those are the 'flashing light' moments as my friend calls them. Like, how do we not see them and just stop? I had one last night b/c my idiot self was looking around facebook and saw that his family member had written this long post wishing them a "happy anniversary and happy 13yrs of marriage.." etc. And I just started crying. Again. Flashing light. We're worth more. Maybe this will help you to see it some. Sorry you're feeling this way. Thanks for understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am sorry to hear that. Are you sure you want to be OW? Is that what you want? No I'm not sure! But thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 It's the reality that you aren't his priority. Why is that enough for you? You should want more for yourself! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 No I'm not. I said a bit more about the situation in the nearby (someone else's) thread, re having a bad day. I think he was rubbing my nose in it tbh, or checking my reaction maybe. Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel this way? You don't deserve to feel 2nd rate. You are better than that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 It's the reality that you aren't his priority. Why is that enough for you? You should want more for yourself! Yes, thanks. Glad no catty comments yet! Always used to hate women who got involved with married men, then managed to find myself involved with a married friend. Am finding it really hard now though and he suggested that I mull things over maybe when he's away. It's... horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I know what you mean. those are the 'flashing light' moments as my friend calls them. Like, how do we not see them and just stop? I had one last night b/c my idiot self was looking around facebook and saw that his family member had written this long post wishing them a "happy anniversary and happy 13yrs of marriage.." etc. And I just started crying. Again. Flashing light. We're worth more. Maybe this will help you to see it some. Sorry you're feeling this way. And sorry to hear you've been upset also. Best wishes to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 No I'm not. I said a bit more about the situation in the nearby (someone else's) thread, re having a bad day. I think he was rubbing my nose in it tbh, or checking my reaction maybe. You know him, we don't, but do you think he's going to be malicious or mean on purpose to upset you? Do you think he's acting 'jerkish' to make you end it with him because he doesn't have the balls to end it himself? This way he doesn't have to be the bad guy and be responsible for hurting you. He can feel relief by knowing you ended it because you were fed up being treated like second fiddle. Either way sweets, I think you should end it. Seems the bad is out weighing the good and you're hurting way more than usual, it's affecting you on all levels and affecting your daily life. He isn't worth it!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 goldengirl, When do you think you will have had enough? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm glad I saw this thread. Have had a bad day too, especially when he (mm lover/friend) expressed doubts about going forward. Oh and put into the FB message that he was going away somewhere warm with his wife next week which hope doesn't make me feel worse. He later says that maybe we should revert back to "see how it goes." Not eaten since lunchtime and just feel numb. When I should now be enjoying the weekend. Am definitely going to sign up properly to a dating site now, but then planned to anyway. Last saw him 3 weeks ago and he says he's been thinking of me. Means nothing now, as he's been back and forth a few times now. The last time being about 6 weeks ago, when he admitted he went quiet because I didn't offer to pay for lunch, as relationships are about sharing. It then also seem to prompt him to say that he's not sure if he'd be strong enough to leave home. A few days later though he rang me to say he'd got past the lunch incident and that he can't let me go. I've been well and truly on a rollercoaster since late summer (can't believe how that time has flown by) and he seems a bit different now, if a bit two faced. I'll never forget when he confessed he was going to tell this woman friend how he felt about her the first time we met over a coffee (nothing had happened then between us), but then he didn't get the chance to and she has since emigrated abroad with her boyfriend (he thought she was single). I remember also he said that a clairvoyant had told him they would marry. For a while i.e few months maybe he was sure then (regardless of that woman) that he would seperate from his wife, but over time things seem to have improved a bit instead. He also hinted that the fact I'd like to get married and have kids one day is a factor he's hesitant, as he says he's done all that and not what he'd be looking to do again. Also that if anything he wonders if there's enough common ground between us, after I asked him if he thought I was crap last time we were intimate. He didn't say I was and that what I'd said re disagreeing (re common ground) was lovely, when he asked how we can spend proper time together i.e he doesn't know when or if his circumstances will change. It's fair to say I feel crap at the mo and long for happiness. I'm 34 btw. Ps Thanks for listening and apologise for my ramblings! I copied and pasted this here from that other thread you posted on. Might be helpful for others to know the above. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Date a single man who makes you his top priority! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Eight months ago, my guy had a business trip to Hawaii and the wives were invited. I was having a really tough time letting him go. Funny thing was, when he got there he spent all of his time on the phone with me and didn't spend any time with her. He's been separated almost 4 months now. We're going strong. Maybe he'll get there and miss you to pieces. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 Eight months ago, my guy had a business trip to Hawaii and the wives were invited. I was having a really tough time letting him go. Funny thing was, when he got there he spent all of his time on the phone with me and didn't spend any time with her. He's been separated almost 4 months now. We're going strong. Maybe he'll get there and miss you to pieces. That's v sweet, but not raising my hopes. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 The vacations are a killer, I know. So much so for me that I had to say "I don't want to be around for their future vacation." I wanted to be totally out of the picture at that point. I may have had a bit of a double standard by telling him about my trips, but mine weren't being taken with another man. I felt it was fair plus I'm not a liar so I had to be honest about my trips because they weren't going to hurt him in any way...ya know? His on the other hand, were gut wrenching for me and it's not something I was willing to put myself through again. That's just how I am and I'm sure it frustrated the h*ll out of him. I looked at it this way, he's the one who was married and honestly that was his problem not mine. I decided I wasn't going to be around living a half life forever. His limitations were his and his alone ... not mine. I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedBlueeyes Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 This may sound horrible and you may not want to hear it, but he is going because he "wants" to go. When i first got with mm he had a weekend away booked with the wife. I was not to happy about this but he kept in touch by texting and sneaking out to call me. A year later she booked another trip to his favourite football ground for the weekend and a hotel. I cried so hard in his arms when he told me he knew i was hurting, a few weeks before the trip was due he told her he didnt have the money just so he didnt go, he didnt go to his favourite football teams ground for me, he is a massive fan too He has never let me forget so in turn iv promsed to take him lol He had the money because the weekend after he came to visit me "LDR". They have never been on a trip holiday together again he wouldn,t. Maybe you need to have a long think about how devoted to you he actually is, are you literally just the affair if so then you need to start thinking of YOU its clear you are unhappy. All the best 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Goldern girl, Having read both of your posts, it's hard for me to not see you MM as a manipulative man. He got angry because you didn't buy lunch? That's rotten. Relationships are about sharing - but one doesn't get angry because another person can't pay at that time. Then, he told you he wanted to revert back and then deliberately posted he was going away with his wife. I hope you find the strength to move on from him, and I recognize that getting over very strong feelings is incredibly hard. But you really do deserve someone who will treat you well. This man, regardless of his marital status, has not treated you well. Even if he were single, from what you've posted, I would tell you to run. No man should ever be "gracious" enough to get over you not buying lunch so he'll let you back into his life a few weeks later. And no man should ever not pick you first. If I could ever give anyone advice on this particular forum it would be to hold yourself in such high regard that if your chosen partner doesn't treat you well, then you are strong enough to move on. When you demand (and give) good treatment, you will always get it... simply because you won't tolerate less. My heart breaks for you. Hugs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Goldengirl, Does Anyone in your life outside of LS know of you engaging in an A w/MM? This may be a good time for the girls to get together for a Ben & Jerry's fest. Talk the real life truth w/people/person who know you and how great you are. They will give you the straight up w/Only your best interest at heart. You'll get the cold hard truth here for sure But there are times when the truth is best delivered by those who you know love you* Do you have at least One person who can talk to? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 That story makes me so sad. His wife tried to do something nice for him and this is what she gets for it. Exactly. Since he is capable of treating his own wife, the woman he married, said vows to in front of family and friends, mother of his children, he is VERY capable of doing a 180 and treating his OW (you confusedblueyes) the same way one day. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that he won't turn around and deeply hurt you some day. He has no ties to you, maybe just emotionally, but there is no other 'glue' that holds you to him. No kids, no finances, no house, no family. Sorry to be blunt, but the very fact he is capable of being such a shi.t to his wife after she did a lovely thing for him, just shows how scummy and selfish he is. He ain't no prize! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 This may sound horrible and you may not want to hear it, but he is going because he "wants" to go. When i first got with mm he had a weekend away booked with the wife. I was not to happy about this but he kept in touch by texting and sneaking out to call me. A year later she booked another trip to his favourite football ground for the weekend and a hotel. I cried so hard in his arms when he told me he knew i was hurting, a few weeks before the trip was due he told her he didnt have the money just so he didnt go, he didnt go to his favourite football teams ground for me, he is a massive fan too He has never let me forget so in turn iv promsed to take him lol He had the money because the weekend after he came to visit me "LDR". They have never been on a trip holiday together again he wouldn,t. Maybe you need to have a long think about how devoted to you he actually is, are you literally just the affair if so then you need to start thinking of YOU its clear you are unhappy. All the best What a scumbag. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 Goldengirl, Does Anyone in your life outside of LS know of you engaging in an A w/MM? This may be a good time for the girls to get together for a Ben & Jerry's fest. Talk the real life truth w/people/person who know you and how great you are. They will give you the straight up w/Only your best interest at heart. You'll get the cold hard truth here for sure But there are times when the truth is best delivered by those who you know love you* Do you have at least One person who can talk to? There is one quite close friend who knows about it, who happened to have an affair then relationship with a MM some years ago. She is very abrupt and straight talking though! Maybe what I need you're probably thinking, ha. Obviously I can't really open up about him to others i.e they might look down on me and wonder why I got involved etc. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Goldengirl, " robably thinking, ha. Obviously I can't really open up about him to others i.e they might look down on me and wonder why I got involved etc." I read from your quote that your ego is highly involved in everything you do. This self acknowledgment calls for humility, not ego. You Mom or Dad or a sibling will (should) love you regardless of your actions. They certainly may be disappointed in your behavior & choices But their love for you as their daughter won't (shouldn't) change, it will help them to support you through this difficult situation and help you navigate to the other side a better, stronger woman able to make healthier choices for a better life & future. You Do want that, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 am finding it really hard, if painful, to hear my (married) lover mention that he's going away somewhere warm with his wife next week! Doesn't appear that their grown children are going with them either. Think at times like this (in particular) it makes you feel like breaking it off, regardless of your feelings. Takes me back 3 years ago....... xMM was on vacation for 2 weeks at the beach and calling me. I had a LIGHTULB, AHA MOMENT like no other. I thought to my self and said it out loud....WTF am I DOING? He is on vacation with the wife and fam and I am sitting here entertaining him? From that moment on I STOPPED ANY FEELINGS FOR HIM OR THE SITUATION! It really hit me in the head. It was a JOKE..... Now I am single....and happy and free! And him....who gives a flying ph...!!!! :D 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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