Feeling Stuck

[PurpleGal]

I'm hoping for perspective on my situation, from anyone who feels they have insight I may have not considered. I'm asking that (fingers crossed) moral judgement be left out as much as possible.

 

I have been seeing MM for a little over a year. I left an unhappy marriage for my own reasons 7 months ago. I have no regrets about this, and it is independent of MM. He has talked about wanting to leave for about 6 months, and recently began making changes that will allow him to do so, financially.

 

We are deeply in love. When we're together (all day once a week), speaking on the phone, or even IMing, things are wonderful. We've had only one "fight" in the past year (didn't break up), and were able to move past it. Our story is pretty typical in terms of the incredible passion, friendship, and love spoken of on this board. But I'm becoming increasingly unhappy. I started to cry as he left last week, for the simple reason that a week apart is a really long time to be away from the man you love. I was not attempting to manipulate him - it was simply how I felt. He's usually been pretty good about being in touch on the other days, but lately I feel it's been less-so. I would love to be one of those women who just focuses on other things and doesn't get hung up on a man. But I only know how to love with every last bit of me. I haven't dated since I was a teenager, before my husband. I have no experience with this. I have the unfortunate ability to maintain a 100 average in each of my courses, while simultaneously being admittedly a bit obsessed with this man. It's a blessing and a curse.

 

BUT. My husband and I are on very good terms. We are both career-changer students, with no income. He's currently living with a relative, with whom we and our two children had been living for two years prior to the separation. The student loans and savings are dwindling. There is a possibility that, if the money runs out, the kids and I might have to move back in with the relative and my husband. I have made it clear to him that I do not want to reconcile, and we would sleep in separate rooms with no intimate contact. We did this for nine months prior to me leaving, so I know it's plausible.

 

So this is my conundrum. What single man in his right mind would be okay dating a woman that needs to move back with her husband, even if for financial reasons? Say I were to end my relationship with MM and begin dating someone single. I would know that the possibility existed that I'd be living with my husband again. And he would have every right to end things at that point. So I feel really stuck. If I were able to support myself and my kids independently, I'd give MM a short timeframe and then be done. I've done enough courageous things in my life to know I would follow through. But if he's making changes now, and a single man is not an option...what to do? I know the likelihood of him leaving is small, but if I broke things off, it wouldn't be to find someone I "deserved". It would be to be alone. I'm having trouble because I feel like I should get a life, stop obsessing, accept it, and enjoy it for what it is...but I can't seem to figure out how to do that.

 

Sorry for the ramble. I've been wanting to post this for a while, and I guess this Cabernet has given me a little courage tonight. Thank you for reading. Thoughts?

[Lillyfree]

I'm hoping for perspective on my situation, from anyone who feels they have insight I may have not considered. I'm asking that (fingers crossed) moral judgement be left out as much as possible.

 

I have been seeing MM for a little over a year. I left an unhappy marriage for my own reasons 7 months ago. I have no regrets about this, and it is independent of MM. He has talked about wanting to leave for about 6 months, and recently began making changes that will allow him to do so, financially.

 

We are deeply in love. When we're together (all day once a week), speaking on the phone, or even IMing, things are wonderful. We've had only one "fight" in the past year (didn't break up), and were able to move past it. Our story is pretty typical in terms of the incredible passion, friendship, and love spoken of on this board. But I'm becoming increasingly unhappy. I started to cry as he left last week, for the simple reason that a week apart is a really long time to be away from the man you love. I was not attempting to manipulate him - it was simply how I felt. He's usually been pretty good about being in touch on the other days, but lately I feel it's been less-so. I would love to be one of those women who just focuses on other things and doesn't get hung up on a man. But I only know how to love with every last bit of me. I haven't dated since I was a teenager, before my husband. I have no experience with this. I have the unfortunate ability to maintain a 100 average in each of my courses, while simultaneously being admittedly a bit obsessed with this man. It's a blessing and a curse.

 

BUT. My husband and I are on very good terms. We are both career-changer students, with no income. He's currently living with a relative, with whom we and our two children had been living for two years prior to the separation. The student loans and savings are dwindling. There is a possibility that, if the money runs out, the kids and I might have to move back in with the relative and my husband. I have made it clear to him that I do not want to reconcile, and we would sleep in separate rooms with no intimate contact. We did this for nine months prior to me leaving, so I know it's plausible.

 

So this is my conundrum. What single man in his right mind would be okay dating a woman that needs to move back with her husband, even if for financial reasons? Say I were to end my relationship with MM and begin dating someone single. I would know that the possibility existed that I'd be living with my husband again. And he would have every right to end things at that point. So I feel really stuck. If I were able to support myself and my kids independently, I'd give MM a short timeframe and then be done. I've done enough courageous things in my life to know I would follow through. But if he's making changes now, and a single man is not an option...what to do? I know the likelihood of him leaving is small, but if I broke things off, it wouldn't be to find someone I "deserved". It would be to be alone. I'm having trouble because I feel like I should get a life, stop obsessing, accept it, and enjoy it for what it is...but I can't seem to figure out how to do that.

 

Sorry for the ramble. I've been wanting to post this for a while, and I guess this Cabernet has given me a little courage tonight. Thank you for reading. Thoughts?

 

it seems that you have too many balls up in the air.

 

simplify. tell MM that you he needs to work out what he wants to do with his M, and that in the meantime you will go NC and focus on your studies and your children. tell him not to contact you until his divorce is final, and then some.

 

brining yet another relationship into all this will make it even harder for you. seems to me what you need is to be on your own for a while.

[Summer Breeze]

it seems that you have too many balls up in the air.

 

simplify. tell MM that you he needs to work out what he wants to do with his M, and that in the meantime you will go NC and focus on your studies and your children. tell him not to contact you until his divorce is final, and then some.

 

brining yet another relationship into all this will make it even harder for you. seems to me what you need is to be on your own for a while.

 

I agree with this except the NC with MM. I agree with LC but not NC. He should be showing you progress and you should stand by him to some degree as he's going through it. I stayed NC while dMM went through his D and I wish with all my heart I'd encouraged him as he was going through it. It worked out but looking back I'd definitely have stayed in LC with him.

 

I also don't think you should be contemplating another R. You haven't fully cut things off with your H(even if it is financial) and you haven't cut things off with your MM.

 

One last thing. Take a look at his actions. You say his communication isn't as much as before. Tell him you know he's pulling away and you want a straight answer as to why. If you get that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach and have a strong feeling he's backing out on his promises then you kick him to curb and go NC.

[whichwayisup]

He has talked about wanting to leave for about 6 months, and recently began making changes that will allow him to do so, financially.

What changes has he done other than financially? I take it that means he's socking money away secretly away from his wife.

 

Has he actually had a conversation with his wife that he is unhappy and wants out of the marriage? Socking money away isn't progress. Sorry.

 

I do think going NC is better for you. Just my 2 cents, but stopping the physical part of your A is a good thing until he is out of the house and well on the way to divorce with no intention of going back. He can update you through email but don't see him or include him in your life, don't rely on him for anything.

 

Does your (ex) husband know about the MM?

[PurpleGal]

it seems that you have too many balls up in the air.

 

simplify. tell MM that you he needs to work out what he wants to do with his M, and that in the meantime you will go NC and focus on your studies and your children. tell him not to contact you until his divorce is final, and then some.

 

brining yet another relationship into all this will make it even harder for you. seems to me what you need is to be on your own for a while.

 

Oh, I definitely wouldn't date someone else at this point, MM or no MM. I just mentioned that because the oft-given advice here is, "Find a nice single man." That's not an option for me. I do see the virtue of being on my own, but don't want to throw away a relationship that has the potential to grow into more, with someone I really love.

 

Ideally, since things aren't settled completely with my husband, I'd just live my life and MM would only add, not be such a huge part. The problem is, I don't know how much of this is normal, and how much is my own neuroses. I admit I get anxious when I don't feel like the contact/time is enough. I'm in therapy, and trying to figure it out. But it's hard.

[PurpleGal]

I agree with this except the NC with MM. I agree with LC but not NC. He should be showing you progress and you should stand by him to some degree as he's going through it. I stayed NC while dMM went through his D and I wish with all my heart I'd encouraged him as he was going through it. It worked out but looking back I'd definitely have stayed in LC with him.

 

I also don't think you should be contemplating another R. You haven't fully cut things off with your H(even if it is financial) and you haven't cut things off with your MM.

 

One last thing. Take a look at his actions. You say his communication isn't as much as before. Tell him you know he's pulling away and you want a straight answer as to why. If you get that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach and have a strong feeling he's backing out on his promises then you kick him to curb and go NC.

 

As I mentioned just above, I feel like part of my dissatisfaction is because of my own issues. Comparitively, he is in touch quite a bit, but because of the limited in-person time it doesn't seem like enough. So I guess my point is, why withdraw from him if I'm not missing other opportunities by being with him? I promise I'm not being obtuse, I just feel like I'm not seeing something.

[PurpleGal]

What changes has he done other than financially? I take it that means he's socking money away secretly away from his wife.

 

Has he actually had a conversation with his wife that he is unhappy and wants out of the marriage? Socking money away isn't progress. Sorry.

 

I do think going NC is better for you. Just my 2 cents, but stopping the physical part of your A is a good thing until he is out of the house and well on the way to divorce with no intention of going back. He can update you through email but don't see him or include him in your life, don't rely on him for anything.

 

Does your (ex) husband know about the MM?

 

No, he's not hiding money. He's pursuing an opportunity that will allow him to both pay a decent amount of child support and contribute to a life with me. His current job won't allow that. He has expressed his unhappiness with his wife. Divorce has been discussed, but not acted upon. I do think NC would have benefits, but I also understand that he will need my support if he does leave. He supported me through my separation, so why wouldn't I support him? My husband does not know about MM, but I am also not leading him on in any way.

 

I guess the sticking point is that I feel I should be able to handle this. I don't want to end things. I love this man. But the relationship, as it currently stands, is making me unhappy. However, it wasn't up until recently. I don't know what has changed.

[Summer Breeze]

PG. Some do leave. Not nearly as many as stay but some do leave.

 

You know something. If you feel like you're not as happy and you feel it's best for you to go NC then do it. I worry he's playing you because of the comment you made about not so much contact. I know you said in your response that was more to do with you than him but it wouldn't be on your mind if it wasn't a concern for you.

 

I know what you mean about the comments about a nice single guy. Sometimes it's put out there like they grow on trees or something. Sometimes what you need is time with yourself and your kids. If you need to regroup because of your confusion then take it. Tell your MM that you need to get yourself together. You've been through a lot of changes and transitions. Maybe it's time to catch your breath. Trust me when he comes to you and the D is final it's another whole world of transition. If you want some time to yourself to regroup it doesn't mean you're deserting him.

 

I'm not quite sure what you're looking for here so forgive me if I'm the one being obtuse.

[veryhappy]

You are unhappy because you want a normal relationship. The A is not working for you anymore, so you're likely looking at its end soon( or hopefully you are).

 

Regarding single men, why don't you cross that bridge when you get there? If that guy didn't understand your financial trouble, he's not good for you anyway. Honestly I find it harder to find someone to accept two kids than understanding your living arrangements which would end by moving in together or moving out on your own in time. It would take time to find and become serious with a guy, so you have time to sort your life out and not really worry about that.

 

As for MM, the biggest red flag is him pulling away. Not indicative of a man actively and consistency persuing a R with you. If he were serious about being with you, he'd have to have the hardest time about you moving in together with your family. Is he? What is his plan and timeline to make the two of you a R out in the open?

[PurpleGal]

PG. Some do leave. Not nearly as many as stay but some do leave.

 

You know something. If you feel like you're not as happy and you feel it's best for you to go NC then do it. I worry he's playing you because of the comment you made about not so much contact. I know you said in your response that was more to do with you than him but it wouldn't be on your mind if it wasn't a concern for you.

 

I know what you mean about the comments about a nice single guy. Sometimes it's put out there like they grow on trees or something. Sometimes what you need is time with yourself and your kids. If you need to regroup because of your confusion then take it. Tell your MM that you need to get yourself together. You've been through a lot of changes and transitions. Maybe it's time to catch your breath. Trust me when he comes to you and the D is final it's another whole world of transition. If you want some time to yourself to regroup it doesn't mean you're deserting him.

 

I'm not quite sure what you're looking for here so forgive me if I'm the one being obtuse.

 

No, you're not being obtuse. I don't really know what I'm looking for. Perspectives, maybe? A new way of looking a things? I've seen incredible wisdom on this board. I'm not going to end things right now. But it would be nice to have a bit of an action plan laid out, or at least some understanding from those who have been in a similar situation. Sometimes it can be therapeutic to just get one's thoughts out.

 

As for being played, well, anyone can play anyone else. We choose whether or not to believe what is said to us. For now, I choose to believe MM is sincere, at least in his mind. He's not keeping me from finding anyone else, so there's no "wasted time", as was mentioned. It's either him or no one.

[So happy together]

For the love of God! have you read the stories in the forum. These men do not leave the marriage unless the wife asks for a divorce. Otherwise they stay married. This POS is playing you!

 

You are blinded by your lust. Get out now, don't waist anymore time.

 

This is NOT true. My boyfriend left his wife, on his own, and his wife wanted to work on the marriage. He said no. He is the one filing for divorce. She is the one sending him drunken texts at two a.m. So don't say they never leave. I'm so SICK of hearing that. It's crap. Maybe the people on this forum are here because their relationships were unsuccessful, but mine is working out exactly as we'd planned, full steam ahead.

[Summer Breeze]

An exception to the rule is always very nice. Congratulations!

 

Is there such a thing as passively condescending?

[ForeverHopeful1]

This is NOT true. My boyfriend left his wife, on his own, and his wife wanted to work on the marriage. He said no. He is the one filing for divorce. She is the one sending him drunken texts at two a.m. So don't say they never leave. I'm so SICK of hearing that. It's crap. Maybe the people on this forum are here because their relationships were unsuccessful, but mine is working out exactly as we'd planned, full steam ahead.

 

3% of the time they leave and stay with the OW/OM. LOL. So they leave - 3% of the time. I hope he doesn't do to you what he did with you. Good luck!

[SoleMate]

Back to PurpleGal. My thoughts are that you should go NC with the MM, move back together with the H, and attempt to mend your marriage in all seriousness. If 6 months of honest effort don't do it, then prepare financially for divorce and get divorced.

 

The benefits are that you won't be or feel stuck anymore. You'll have a realistic and constructive plan for your life and be executing it, as opposed to grinding life gears in an affair.

[PurpleGal]

Back to PurpleGal. My thoughts are that you should go NC with the MM, move back together with the H, and attempt to mend your marriage in all seriousness. If 6 months of honest effort don't do it, then prepare financially for divorce and get divorced.

 

The benefits are that you won't be or feel stuck anymore. You'll have a realistic and constructive plan for your life and be executing it, as opposed to grinding life gears in an affair.

 

This is interesting. Not because it's an option for me, but because it's made me think of something else. I'm not feeling stuck about MM. I love him, I don't want to end things, but if I were divorced I'd have an exit strategy that may or may not include us being in a "traditional" relationship.

 

I am, however, feeling stuck about my husband. I still love him. I've thought often about reconciling. But there's a reason I cannot. It's no secret to anyone who has read my posts. For most of our 14-year relationship, he has shamed me about my weight. After all this time and two children, I'm within 15 pounds of the day we met and the day we got married. I've never been thin, but I've also never been "fat". He's hurt me so many times, despite me telling him the affect it has on me. So anytime I think of moving back, I imagine the anxiety that comes with feeling scrutinized every time I'm changing my clothes. The guilt that comes with every meal that isn't a salad. It's torture, and hard to describe to those who haven't experienced it. Because my relationship with my husband is stuck, my relationship with MM is as well.

 

So that's the issue. I'm at a place where I don't want a failed marriage. But I can't fathom even kissing my husband, much less being intimate with him. I really don't see how this can be worked out, because even if he never said another word, I'D KNOW what he thinks of me. And it's not fair, because he married me this way. Factor in MM, who is over the moon with attraction and passion for me...and therein lies the rub.

[PurpleGal]

PurpleGal, it sounds like your husband is abusive. If not abusive is a downright cruel SOB! IMO, you should divorce him and get yourself some counseling and heal from what you've endured in your marriage. You really need to be alone and take care of yourself, get yourself into a healthier state of mind. The affair is not the answer to your shattered self esteem. It's just a temporary balm that soothes what your husband has done to you, but it's not the answer. You must do the work to heal and fix yourself, undo that damage, then you can find a healthier happier future.

 

Hugs.....

 

Thank you, LadyGrey. Yours is some of the wisdom I mentioned earlier. I know that the above is the best thing for me. I guess it's one of those cases of, "But I love him (MM)..."

 

In any case, I am in IC. The downside is that, with a good therapist, it's sometimes made clear just how much work you have ahead of you.

[thefooloftheyear]

You've posted your 'success' story on 4 different threads and you've only made 10 posts. Are you here to brag, or to encourage others to have affairs because you ended up with someone else's husband?

 

Your H, if your story is correct, most likely would have left his wife with or without you. The fact that you're bragging about a woman who, after 28 years of marriage, is heartbroken and confused, is really telling imo.

 

I'm glad you are happy, but there isn't an ounce of empathy or compassion in you regarding how destroyed this woman is. It's sad.

 

Agreed...Its in poor taste, IMO..

 

Frankly, Its been my experience that those who scream from the mountaintops about their triumphs might actually not be so secure about said triumphs. Hmmmm....

 

Show a little humility and compassion..

 

TFOY