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Weakness v Moral Obligation to Block?


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In January I found out my boyfriend of more than a year was married in another country. I had 2 final conversations with him by phone, and haven't spoken with him or had any contact in more than 2 months. I changed my phone number. But he has e-mailed me everyday telling me I'm the love of his life. I ignore it. He has heard nothing from me. For all he knows I am dead.

 

My confession: I haven't pulled the final trigger and blocked him on e-mail. It's too painful -- I am weak. And I feel ashamed that I am. I will never speak to him again, which I told myself was what mattered. I am recovering nonetheless. Meeting other people. But I am increasingly feeling much guilt. Do I have a moral obligation to his wife to block him and stop the flood? I'm thinking of just getting a new e-mail address entirely and abandoning the one I have, as that would be easier.

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In January I found out my boyfriend of more than a year was married in another country. I had 2 final conversations with him by phone, and haven't spoken with him or had any contact in more than 2 months. I changed my phone number. But he has e-mailed me everyday telling me I'm the love of his life. I ignore it. He has heard nothing from me. For all he knows I am dead.

 

My confession: I haven't pulled the final trigger and blocked him on e-mail. It's too painful -- I am weak. And I feel ashamed that I am. I will never speak to him again, which I told myself was what mattered. I am recovering nonetheless. Meeting other people. But I am increasingly feeling much guilt. Do I have a moral obligation to his wife to block him and stop the flood? I'm thinking of just getting a new e-mail address entirely and abandoning the one I have, as that would be easier.

 

If you have the option of changing your email address then do it! You're not weak at all. You thougt he was someone he's not and tok action. That shows strength!

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If you have the option of changing your email address then do it! You're not weak at all. You thougt he was someone he's not and tok action. That shows strength!
It's going to be a pain to change my e-mail address. I just can't bring myself to block him. So I'm just passively letting him e-mail me, which kind of makes me feel complicit.
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Can you filter them to junk mail? Then all you have to do is "right click" and delete on the junk mail folder without seeing them.

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Can you filter them to junk mail? Then all you have to do is "right click" and delete on the junk mail folder without seeing them.
Good idea! Ok that's the plan.
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AnotherRound

You aren't responding - so, it's on him. I mean, honestly - if he wants to get hold of you, he will - no matter how much "blocking" you do. So maybe, letting him think you may respond to email (any day now! lol) might be working in your favor by keeping him from trying to contact you other ways. Email is easy to ignore - unlike someone showing up at your door.

 

If you really want him to stop emailing - you could always respond with something about telling the wife. I've seen a lot of people on here talk about that, so, that might be an option?

 

My exMM still stops me in public and tries to talk to me about these things - I just cut him off and leave while he is talking sometimes. I don't feel "good" about it necessarily (and he's not even married anymore) but I just have no desire to hear him out right now - maybe never will. You can only do so much to keep someone away from you if they really want to get hold of you, in reality - as much as that sucks, it's just the truth.

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So maybe, letting him think you may respond to email (any day now! lol) might be working in your favor by keeping him from trying to contact you other ways. Email is easy to ignore - unlike someone showing up at your door.

 

If you really want him to stop emailing - you could always respond with something about telling the wife. I've seen a lot of people on here talk about that, so, that might be an option?

 

He can't show up at my door right now because he's out of the country. But that thought is in my mind -- what if I cut off contact and then he tried to come back? He's indicated that he will. I almost want to be ready in case he says he's coming so that I can then contact his wife or sister (but not him) and tell them to tell him to stay there with his daughters.

 

As for telling the wife, I can't know for certain but I don't think he is hiding any attempts to contact me from her, his family, or daughters. He claims he is divorcing his wife but who knows and it doesn't matter.

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underwater2010

It is not about protecting his wife at this point. It is about protecting yourself and allowing yourself to heal.

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My confession: I haven't pulled the final trigger and blocked him on e-mail. It's too painful -- I am weak. And I feel ashamed that I am. I will never speak to him again, which I told myself was what mattered. I am recovering nonetheless. Meeting other people. But I am increasingly feeling much guilt. Do I have a moral obligation to his wife to block him and stop the flood? I'm thinking of just getting a new e-mail address entirely and abandoning the one I have, as that would be easier.

 

Nope, no moral obligation to his wife. He has a moral obligation to his wife to not be contacting you that he's not upholding.

Is it on you to prevent him? nope.

 

But for your own sake, I like the idea of filtering him to junk mail. :) That keeps you from having to inconvenience yourself by changing your email and resolves the issue.

 

Good luck.

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thefooloftheyear

I dunno....

 

Its not like you are responding to the emails. Frankly if this is some way for you to have a "soft landing", then maybe continue it for a while?

 

I will say this though, people sometimes hold on to hope when in reality there isn't any. And unfortunately all that does is lengthen the process of recovery.

 

Best wishes

 

TFOY

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It's awful. It is lengthening the recovery. I don't want to see his pain. I want him to be happy. I can't help him.

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It's awful. It is lengthening the recovery. I don't want to see his pain. I want him to be happy. I can't help him.

 

Just admitting that shows that you have incredible compassion. You are not being complicite in anything. You are staying out of the picture and taking care of yourself. You're a good person and you didn't do anything wrong, so go easy on yourself because it's not your responsibility to help him. He made choices without giving others the benefit of choice and that's on him. It has nothing to do with you what so ever. (((Hugs)))

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Hi Eggplant, at this time, (because you aren't responding) it has little to do with morals. The blocking him or not is the main issue, don't you think? I think you are impeding your own healing by reading those emails. I think you already know this;).

 

I'm still pissed off for you, now that I remembered the story. He stole your reality. A man who could do this is beyond cruel. Please don't excuse it.

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It's been 13 months and he's still messaging me, and I can't block him. Still haven't ever replied. I need psychological help.

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It's been 16 months since I ended it with exMM and he is still contacting me. When I blocked the cell phone texts and emails, he got desperate and started leaving voicemails on the household phone!

 

I found a good balance is to never initiate contact with him, but in MY case I do reply to his texts with simple texts... he always tries to offer to come around to help me, or asks me to go out for drinks, dinner, or a movie, or to stop by his work to see him. He asks and asks. He tells me he wants me, that he always thinks of me because he still loves me, that if he ever gets me back, he won't let me go! He used to show up at MY gym (he even joined it!) at the time I had my personal trainer sessions! (I quit the gym).

 

The way I view it is like this: I see his constant attempts at contact as 'phishing'... he's not going to wither away and die from lack of my love and attention... but he liked what he had with me, so he certainly wouldn't mind having it back.

Too bad.

 

Then, whenever I catch myself thinking about him (maybe once a day, or more) and if I remember some sweet thing about him and feel loving toward him, I just tell myself that I can still love him -- from afar! I can love him from a distance, yes. That's what I've been doing. He hates it, but I prefer this way.

 

There is NO healthy need that will be met by going back to him. The difference between you and me, is that I am married too (separated, but H does come home for a few days to be with the children, and I am friendly, but not a lover to him).

 

So -- send the emails to spam and forget him. Even better is if you block him... I found when I blocked MM, then I truly relaxed and felt free, because I KNEW I wasn't on tenterhooks waiting to see what he would say or do. When I had him blocked, life was free.

Now, I have figured he only contacts me every week to ten days to tell me he misses me, that he loves me, that he wants me back. And then I just keep it hi, how are you, aww, and say no. I keep my distance without agreeing to see him, and without cutting him off completely, and it works for me.

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Btw, he has NO right to come and see you just on the spur of the moment! And if he DOES do that, it is extremely disrespectful to you and I would view that as another red flag.

 

My exMM does not assume he can just come around to my house! And he is a neighbor! If you do not invite your exMM, then he has NO business coming around.

 

It's too bad if he's trying to get his needs met by having a few women around to sex him and indulge his every whim... too bad... don't open the door, and call the police on the non-emergency number.

 

He will soon get the message that he does not have the right to do what he likes without the woman's permission (yours, and his wife's).

 

Stay strong. It will get easier with time. If you mess up and reply to him, or answer the door, it WILL SET YOU BACK A LOT!! And it will be tougher the next time.

 

Let him learn a lesson by feeling the consequences.

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I have not replied. 0 words, nothing.

 

He said he was almost divorced. Only the custody arrangement remained.

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Btw, he has NO right to come and see you just on the spur of the moment! And if he DOES do that, it is extremely disrespectful to you and I would view that as another red flag.
He can't get in the U.S., and I have moved to the other side of the country since he left, so he has no way to get to me or even know where to find me.
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He can't get in the U.S., and I have moved to the other side of the country since he left, so he has no way to get to me or even know where to find me.

 

Okay, good, so he will not track you down. So now, does he just email you regularly, trying to convince you to get back with him?

 

I would advise you NOT to go back to him, because a man that is willing to do that to his wife, will be NO different with YOU in the future, in any relationship.

 

The only thing for you to do is to force yourself to move on past him. Try not to dwell on him. Allow yourself to be extremely grateful that you found out when you did (not years later) and that you were strong enough to kick him out of your life.

 

Things will only get better for you as time moves on, and you allow yourself to date another man.

 

Something that I want to ask is - how come he continues to email you, when you might have blocked him, and he wouldn't have known it anyway? In other words, as far as I know, if you block someone from emailing you, then don't know that... so... how does he know you are reading them? Are you clicking something saying "read, receipt acknowledged" or what?!

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It's been 13 months and he's still messaging me, and I can't block him. Still haven't ever replied. I need psychological help.

 

Eh, don't beat yourself up on that front, Eggplant. I'm pretty sure we all do.

 

That said, I think everyone else is right: the emails are no longer about him, or his wife, or any moral obligations you may have. You've shown a lot of fortitude through it all. What you need to figure out now is how best to heal. And many people here may be able to tell you what helped them heal, but at the end of the day, we don't know for sure what will work for you. IC may be able to help you figure that out. Maybe it's sending them to junk mail. If you have Gmail, you can also filter to Archive (that's where mail that is no longer in your inbox goes). Maybe it's blocking him - though I know I found that stressful, because there was something about thinking that he might be trying to contact me without my knowing that was terrifying (maybe because, like you, I was worried that the email would say something like "Hey, I'm showing up at your door tomorrow. Surprise!"). Maybe it's continuing how you've been going.

 

Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind that you are a strong, proud, incredible person who has survived and risen above an awful situation. So what if you're still working through it? The very best of us would be.

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I would advise you NOT to go back to him, because a man that is willing to do that to his wife, will be NO different with YOU in the future, in any relationship.
Look what he did to the mother of his children. I could not afford to sacrifice everything I know and have built in life including my dignity to go be with him when he's not even trustworthy.

Something that I want to ask is - how come he continues to email you, when you might have blocked him, and he wouldn't have known it anyway? In other words, as far as I know, if you block someone from emailing you, then don't know that... so... how does he know you are reading them? Are you clicking something saying "read, receipt acknowledged" or what?!
Not clicking anything.
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Look what he did to the mother of his children. I could not afford to sacrifice everything I know and have built in life including my dignity to go be with him when he's not even trustworthy.

Not clicking anything.

 

Hey, Eggplant, looking back and reading your story and some of your other post history more closely... was this guy a salsa dancer, by any chance?

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Hey, Eggplant, looking back and reading your story and some of your other post history more closely... was this guy a salsa dancer, by any chance?

No, why? :laugh:

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Nope, no moral obligation to his wife. He has a moral obligation to his wife to not be contacting you that he's not upholding.

Is it on you to prevent him? nope.

 

But for your own sake, I like the idea of filtering him to junk mail. :) That keeps you from having to inconvenience yourself by changing your email and resolves the issue.

I agree fully with the above. Not responding is the extent of any possible moral obligation you have to anyone outside yourself.

 

But I also agree: for your own sake... You do have an obligation to treat yourself in a healthy way, and I hope you are able eventually to reach a point of healing and peace. I hope you don't get "stuck" in a mode that brings you anxiety and keeps you feeling unresolved.

 

Look what he did to the mother of his children. I could not afford to sacrifice everything I know and have built in life including my dignity to go be with him when he's not even trustworthy.

Not clicking anything.

Good for you. But the one phrase here that made my hair stand up: "to go be with him..." I assume that means that he's asking you to leave your country and go to his to be with him? Please, please, even if you can't bring yourself to block him yet, please tell me that you have rock-solid, unwavering resolve that there is no chance you will uproot your life and go to another country to be with this person....

 

Are you "picking the scab" by reading any of his Emails, or are you just filtering them to the trash folder and erasing them, unread? Maybe if you take baby steps... If you are still reading them, see if you can stop doing that: set up an automatic filter to send his Emails directly to trash and discard them without reading. If you aren't doing this yet, it would be a great increment of progress!

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