Do we have to meet in person to end things and go NC??

[psm04]

My OMM sent me an email wanting me to meet with him (meaning, he probably wants to try to make out), but I'm actually ready to end everything with him - including our casual chats, since it's just not possible for us to be buddies. After reading several posts on here, I've realized that we are not friends to begin with, and we are both cake eaters (him more so than me). Anyway, my question is, can I just end things between us online on chat, or do I have to meet with him in person to do so? This has been going on for a couple of years, and I know that a regular relationship that lasts that long is typically ended in a face to face conversation, but this obviously isn't a relationship. Also, we don't ever meet in a public place, so I don't want to end up in a compromising situation.

 

What are some pros and cons about ending the A and all contact electronically, vs face to face? Is the former just as final, and will I be able to make it clear to him that I cannot talk to him in any manner except for when we need to at work?

[Pierre]

My OMM sent me an email wanting me to meet with him (meaning, he probably wants to try to make out), but I'm actually ready to end everything with him - including our casual chats, since it's just not possible for us to be buddies. After reading several posts on here, I've realized that we are not friends to begin with, and we are both cake eaters (him more so than me). Anyway, my question is, can I just end things between us online on chat, or do I have to meet with him in person to do so? This has been going on for a couple of years, and I know that a regular relationship that lasts that long is typically ended in a face to face conversation, but this obviously isn't a relationship. Also, we don't ever meet in a public place, so I don't want to end up in a compromising situation.

 

What are some pros and cons about ending the A and all contact electronically, vs face to face? Is the former just as final, and will I be able to make it clear to him that I cannot talk to him in any manner except for when we need to at work?

 

No need to end this in person. All clingy people always want endings in person because they hope to have sex and change your mind.

 

The co-called closure!:laugh::laugh:

[psm04]

I don't think that he is seeing this coming. He wants to meet like one of our usual meetings. But I don't think I want to, especially since we pretty much meet in my car, and then things start leading to other things.. I need to end this, this is driving me crazy!

[Pierre]

I don't think that he is seeing this coming. He wants to meet like one of our usual meetings. But I don't think I want to, especially since we pretty much meet in my car, and then things start leading to other things.. I need to end this, this is driving me crazy!

 

You better end it.

 

In the end this will destroy you.

 

If you read here you already know it will destroy you, your H, your kids, your fam, etc.

 

But, even if you end it you will be back for more later on. Your addiction seems intense.

[Owl]

If he's not expecting it...if you meet with him, the odds are high that he'll pressure you for some "fun" and to continue the affair...and that you'll cave in and do it.

 

Call/email/text him and tell him it's over...clearly and unmistakeably.

 

And then take active efforts to block him, such as blocking his numbers/emails/IM's.

 

If he finds a way through...have a back up plan in place to inform him that if he does so again, you go to his wife to get him to stop.

 

You need to be crystal clear, and diamond strong with your boundaries and intentions...or else he won't get it, and/or you'll cave under pressure from him.

[AnotherRound]

Nah, you don't "have" to meet in person to end it. I actually ended with my exMM by telephone. He begged to come see me and talk about it face to face - but I know my weaknesses, and he was always one of them. Love does that to you sometimes - and I knew that what I wanted and what was good for me were two different things by then.

 

He has never really forgiven me for ending it that way - he felt like it diminished what we had - and he's probably right on that one. BUT, I'm glad that I did it that way - it was the healthiest way for ME and at that time, my mental/emotional health was paramount bc it was suffering greatly.

 

A lot of guys want to come over and talk about it - married or not, it's like they are programmed to have this scene or something. I don't need the scene, lol - I just need the ending, quickly, like a band-aid being pulled off. I don't need to drag it out, or have one last contact, or even see someone to get their "stuff" back to them. When I'm done, I'm just done - and exMM has only been to my house one time since I ended it almost 2 years ago (and that is a LONG story, but it was a simple meeting with nothing involved except talking).

 

Just tell him you are done - but if you say it, imo, you should really be done. Then, block his contact avenues to you and really be done. Easy? Nope - but definitely doable and most likely the healthiest way for you to do it. Decorum be damned.

[Catplates]

it's the same old ploy... if you give them the time of day they have a foot back in the door and can work on your emotions again.

 

You will end up back in the A.

 

Just end it by email. Even engaging in conversation has it's pitfalls.

 

JUST DO IT!!!! Do not allow negotiations or discussion. You will come unstuck and go back to square one.

 

Cat

[whichwayisup]

Don't see him. Either tell him over the phone or through email. Just tell him that the A has to end and you can't handle any friendship either, so that means going full on NC. Ask him to please respect your wishes and do his part with sticking to NC. If you see him, selfishly he'll manipulate you into not ending things, and it'll be harder for you to stand up to him and end it.

[MissBee]

My OMM sent me an email wanting me to meet with him (meaning, he probably wants to try to make out), but I'm actually ready to end everything with him - including our casual chats, since it's just not possible for us to be buddies. After reading several posts on here, I've realized that we are not friends to begin with, and we are both cake eaters (him more so than me). Anyway, my question is, can I just end things between us online on chat, or do I have to meet with him in person to do so? This has been going on for a couple of years, and I know that a regular relationship that lasts that long is typically ended in a face to face conversation, but this obviously isn't a relationship. Also, we don't ever meet in a public place, so I don't want to end up in a compromising situation.

 

What are some pros and cons about ending the A and all contact electronically, vs face to face? Is the former just as final, and will I be able to make it clear to him that I cannot talk to him in any manner except for when we need to at work?

 

I see no great benefit to ending it in person. If you talk online or electronically a lot anyway, and don't ever meet in public, I see nothing wrong with ending it via that medium. If you especially don't want to be in a compromising position or make things more awkward, you can simply end it in a phone call. You can make it clear in a phone call that it is final. He may still try to contact you after, but if you meet that contact with silence, then eventually he will get the picture.

[Patrice]

Don't see him, period .. take the time to work on you, what led you there, and how you can better choose someone in the future ... this is a lose-lose for you.

[veryhappy]

It doesn't need to be face to face, especially if all he wants to do is keep things the same.

 

It's all up to what you want and feel you can handle well.

[georgia girl]

Needing face-to-face closure is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves. It's right up there with the jeans that "shrunk" in the dryer to a full size too small.

 

Don't see him. End it. Kindly. Then walk away. And stay away. The kindest thing anyone can do when they end a relationship is to never look back. The person you are leaving needs to heal and each time you contact him/her, they stop healing and start hoping for a reconciliation that never takes place.

 

Be kind. Thank him for the good times. Apologize for the hurt this will cause both of you and those in your lives and then make it clear there is no pathway forward ever. Then engage in silence. It is golden.

[Elfie]

In my experience, every attempt to end it face to face ended up being pulled back in by him, through words, physically (unwanted) and once or twice, fear, and every time I beat myself up for being weak. Someone on here also called me weak, so I guess I was. He ignored texts where I poured out my hurt and doubts, then when I pushed him for reaction he started saying he hadn't received them; when I knew he had; when I left voice mail instead, he would ring me, again ignoring what I'd said, pretending everything was all OK. He would say he accidentally deleted it. He doesn't do email or anything on the PC, but I'd guess he would be the same if he did. It didn't matter what I wanted (out, basically), what mattered to him was that I stayed. End of, in his view.

 

I believe any contact will give him the impression you are still interested, as once I did manage NC for a few days, I looked aross the road in passing, then quickly looked down, and he rang me to say "You must want contact then?

 

If you worry you will be in a compromising position, make sure if you really do want to end it face to face, that you aren't in a compromising position to start with. Could you meet in a library (as opposed to a coffee shop, which may be too public for you/him) At least he can't shout at you in a library either!

 

This will make you less vulnerable. If that isn't possible, then face to face isn't possible. As the OP say, do what is most comfortable, but in my experience, dealing with an extremely tenacious one, (and a history of violence) all means of contact have had to be severed, for him to get the message, though I am still nervous about when I see him, as he lives opposite and can't avoid him to the extent I am whilst trying to live each day normally.

 

You sound a caring person, you want to do the right thing, but you need to stay more focused on the outcome YOU want and need, as I fear he still has the power.

 

I think it is quite common for situations like these to sometimes take several attempts to leave, so don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen this time - keep coming on LS and we'll build up your strength.

 

Stay strong and stay focused on the main end goal.

Take care.

[psm04]

Thank you for everyone's advice. We didn't meet face to face, and I thought that it was over, but nope, it failed. We are back even stronger now, with stronger feelings. I hate the fact that I'm an adult, and I cannot do what is right and best for me. I love him so much that I have to let him go. There is no other way. I guess maybe it'll work next time! I'll have to keep reading all these posts. You all helped me with seriously making an effort to end it, although it didn't work this first time.

[Pierre]

Thank you for everyone's advice. We didn't meet face to face, and I thought that it was over, but nope, it failed. We are back even stronger now, with stronger feelings. I hate the fact that I'm an adult, and I cannot do what is right and best for me. I love him so much that I have to let him go. There is no other way. I guess maybe it'll work next time! I'll have to keep reading all these posts. You all helped me with seriously making an effort to end it, although it didn't work this first time.

 

I told you so. Human mating is quite predictable.

 

You will always be chained to this relationship. The only thing that can decrease the passion is to actually not be in a secret affair. If you were both single and dating in the open there would not be this passion and fireworks.

 

 

This is all a dance and now the two of you have reaffirm the greatest romance known to mankind.. But, in reality these romances are common and mundane.

 

The question that begs an answer is:

 

How the two of you want to remain married? What a contradiction!!!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for everyone's advice. We didn't meet face to face, and I thought that it was over, but nope, it failed. We are back even stronger now, with stronger feelings. I hate the fact that I'm an adult, and I cannot do what is right and best for me. I love him so much that I have to let him go. There is no other way. I guess maybe it'll work next time! I'll have to keep reading all these posts. You all helped me with seriously making an effort to end it, although it didn't work this first time.

 

When you've had enough pain, had enough of the roller coaster and it's mentally affected you to the point where you can't take it anymore, you'll end it.

 

Obviously what you feel for him is strong and sadly you're not strong enough to stand up and put yourself first.

 

What you CAN do is, not rely on him as much. Detach and slowly distance yourself from including him in your life and excluding yourself from his. Put you first! Don't always jump when he wants to see you. Make plans and keep busy so you're not waiting for him to make time for you when he can squish you into his schedule. I think if you can slowly do these steps, it'll help you in the long run and hopefully you'll realize you CAN end it and its' okay to be afraid of the pain of your A ending once and for all. Pain sucks but it doesn't kill you! It just makes you stronger and wiser once you've healed.

[psm04]

.

 

The question that begs an answer is:

 

How the two of you want to remain married? What a contradiction!!!

 

It's not easy to just leave a marriage and start over. There are other people involved, kids, families, friends... We can't just do that. I understand it from both his end and mine. That doesn't make the feelings unreal. I realize what you are saying, and I know that there are situations where the feelings are only because you are in that 'secret love' phase, but you can't generalize it though. Every situation is different. We want to be together but we know that we can't. Now the only thing left to do is to figure out if we want to string this along, or stop everything, go through the intense pain, and eventually hope to feel better.

[psm04]

When you've had enough pain, had enough of the roller coaster and it's mentally affected you to the point where you can't take it anymore, you'll end it.

 

Obviously what you feel for him is strong and sadly you're not strong enough to stand up and put yourself first.

 

Well said. And I think it is the same from his perspective. We are both afraid of the pain and the emptiness we will feel once we stop talking. I thought that I was at the point where I can't take it anymore, but maybe there is a little bit more left in me ! I'm going to keep having faith that I can do this. Baby steps.

[whichwayisup]

Well said. And I think it is the same from his perspective. We are both afraid of the pain and the emptiness we will feel once we stop talking. I thought that I was at the point where I can't take it anymore, but maybe there is a little bit more left in me ! I'm going to keep having faith that I can do this. Baby steps.

 

You aren't OK being in an A and not OK being the OW. So, your other alternative is, to end it. Or accept the A for what it is. Though you don't seem like the type of person to settle and miss out on what you truly deserve, a full on one on one real relationship with someone. The thing is, HE isn't that person. Never will be because he doesn't want to start all over again. He likes having two women, and has gotten used to it.

 

You can do this! REALLY rely on friends and family more for stuff and not him.

 

Be strong!

[Pierre]

It's not easy to just leave a marriage and start over. There are other people involved, kids, families, friends... We can't just do that. I understand it from both his end and mine. That doesn't make the feelings unreal. I realize what you are saying, and I know that there are situations where the feelings are only because you are in that 'secret love' phase, but you can't generalize it though. Every situation is different. We want to be together but we know that we can't. Now the only thing left to do is to figure out if we want to string this along, or stop everything, go through the intense pain, and eventually hope to feel better.

 

The only way to end this is with daylight.

 

Otherwise, secrecy will prolong this for many years to come.

 

Enjoy the ride. Why are you in pain? It seem the two of you are willing to play the same game with similar rules.

[psm04]

Enjoy the ride. Why are you in pain? It seem the two of you are willing to play the same game with similar rules.

 

I don't think that we are playing a game. I am in pain because of the conflicting feelings I have towards this and towards my M. I know that he feels similarly. If we were playing a game, all of this would be unnecessary, and I wouldn't even be feeling any of what I'm feeling now.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think that we are playing a game. I am in pain because of the conflicting feelings I have towards this and towards my M. I know that he feels similarly. If we were playing a game, all of this would be unnecessary, and I wouldn't even be feeling any of what I'm feeling now.

 

The only way to end those conflicted feelings is to end your A, go NC and have space from him, see how those feelings fade, and you can feel feelings again for your husband. Those feelings are there inside you but you may not be feeling them (OMG, can I say feelings again!LOL) because of your MM and the intensity of your A. Does that make sense? Conflicted or not, having the A will not help you or him. And, I doubt very much you and MM are going to end marriages, separate and try to give it a go together, then if it doesn't work out, go back to your spouses. Just can't work that way! So, having space and doing NC may be your only option..Unless you want to continue the A and stay married.