Enabling the AP to have a better marriage by having an affair with them?

[psm04]

I've wondered about this before, and this may have been discussed in other posts, but wanted to bring it up again.. Does anyone feel like you were actually helping your AP's marriage/relationship by staying in either an emotional or physical affair with them? I've thought that in my case with the MM. When I first started talking to him, he was talking about how he has wondered about divorce, and he couldn't bear to live without his kids, and that's why he was staying etc.. His W used to always stress him out. But as our EA/PA continued (mostly EA), his marriage seemed to magically start going well. And then whenever we didn't talk for a while, things weren't so great. I'm at the point where I'm not going to be his 'marriage therapy medicine' any longer, and I'm not going to apply the same concept in my M either.

 

Has anyone else noticed this with your AP, or within your own relationship/marriage?

[TheOW]

When he is happy he is happy in all aspects of his life his marriage included and when he's not happy or he thinks you are not happy with him it will also reflect on his marriage.

 

I know this because I was the same in my marriage when things were great between me and MM my home life was also great but when things went sour .....

 

Guilt may also be a factor I know my xMM felt extreme guilt at times so he took his wife away for dinners bought her new things etc.

[underwater2010]

Please....do not do even think that you are doing a BS a favor by having an affair with their spouse. Another side effect of the delusional affair. Everything is roses as long as you and your AP are happy.

 

Maybe if the WS and their AP spent just as much energy and thought into their marriage they could be happy without all the lies.

[Got it]

Underwater, I think if you look at it a little bit more from the WS lens you may see what she is saying.

 

I think for the WS, at the apex of the affair you have all of your needs met. Most of the time you have some needs that are not being met by your spouse (and I am not going down the rabbit hole if they should, shouldn't, etc. just take that stance) and so you find this other person. And then they are filling that void. So then, with all the plates spinning you have this amazing symphony where there is a balance and you are the most happy and contend. The problem is, soon one or more of the plates is going to start wobbling and then its a game of catch up.

[LFH]

Well he's still married, and now he has someone to hold his hand, and talk to, and kiss and snuggle and cuddle with, me....

and he still has someone who cleans his house and watches his kids and manages his finances and cooks and does laundryall kinds of other things that need to be done over there.

 

Oh yeah, and then he has his wife.

So yes I suppose the fact that I suggested he hire a housekeeper has greatly improved his marriag.e

[psm04]

Please....do not do even think that you are doing a BS a favor by having an affair with their spouse. Another side effect of the delusional affair. Everything is roses as long as you and your AP are happy.

 

Maybe if the WS and their AP spent just as much energy and thought into their marriage they could be happy without all the lies.

 

Hi underwater2010, maybe I need to clarify. I am not saying that this is a good thing, or that I am doing the BS a favor. It's quite the opposite, actually. I don't want to do that, or be a part of that. I don't think he should be using me as a crutch to help his marriage. I was just wondering about other people's experience.

[imperfectangel]

I've heard this before and I do believe its true but the same could be said for all diff kind of areas of life eg, if I'm happy at work ill most likely feel happier outside if my work life since I won't have those worries hanging over me

[underwater2010]

Underwater, I think if you look at it a little bit more from the WS lens you may see what she is saying.

 

I think for the WS, at the apex of the affair you have all of your needs met. Most of the time you have some needs that are not being met by your spouse (and I am not going down the rabbit hole if they should, shouldn't, etc. just take that stance) and so you find this other person. And then they are filling that void. So then, with all the plates spinning you have this amazing symphony where there is a balance and you are the most happy and contend. The problem is, soon one or more of the plates is going to start wobbling and then its a game of catch up.

I have never nor would I ever look through the lens of the WS or their AP. And yes they have all their needs met...but at the cost of the marriage when one or more plates fall. I have spent alot of time trying to figure out what makes a WS and their AP tick....all I have found is that they bury their head in the fantasy. Then every excuse possible comes flying when the affair is discovered. But this is my all time favorite.

 

"I was helping my MM/MW with their marriage"

 

It is not true....all you have to do is look at the fallout on all sides when the affair is discovered.

[underwater2010]

Hi underwater2010, maybe I need to clarify. I am not saying that this is a good thing, or that I am doing the BS a favor. It's quite the opposite, actually. I don't want to do that, or be a part of that. I don't think he should be using me as a crutch to help his marriage. I was just wondering about other people's experience.

Thanks for clarifying.....but it still comes off the same. An affair does NOT help a marriage. Not while it is in progress nor when it ends. Please understand that I posted from the BS's eyes. It is nothing personal....just a statement in regards to what thread title stated.

[Cali408]

No way. And it doesn't matter how much you try. Because you compare your AP to your spouse. And no matter how hard you try, when you're in the affair bubble, all you do is think how perfect would things be with your AP. Which leads to letting the little things that you spouse does annoy you.

[Spark1111]

I have never nor would I ever look through the lens of the WS or their AP. And yes they have all their needs met...but at the cost of the marriage when one or more plates fall. I have spent alot of time trying to figure out what makes a WS and their AP tick....all I have found is that they bury their head in the fantasy. Then every excuse possible comes flying when the affair is discovered. But this is my all time favorite.

 

"I was helping my MM/MW with their marriage"

 

It is not true....all you have to do is look at the fallout on all sides when the affair is discovered.

 

Not just my own sitch, BUT ANYONE I have known who had an EMR began to find more fault, more unhappiness with their spouse the longer the affair continued.

 

Maybe initially, but over time, absolutely not.

[Silly_Girl]

Absolutely, the affair caused things to improve between them. That's why it was only when I ended things that he left her. Because it was too easy. Ugh.

[threelaurels]

This is a common myth. Affairs do not help marriages or relationships. Any time spent focusing on the AP is time away from focusing on the spouse and the marriage. The lying involved in an affair inhibits communication--and communication is the most critical component of any healthy marriage.

 

Unless you have an intimate knowledge of your AP's relationship with his/her spouse, you don't know how the affair is affecting their relationship.

[Got it]

I think better means more . . . . status quo for the WS. If they have needs that are now being met by a WS, then they are contend. They may be happier, they aren't pressuring their BS for x, y, or z, they are like the cat who just had a big bowl of milk. They are contend to sit there and groom themselves.

 

It doesn't mean the marriage, the union between the husband and wife is healthier as it isn't lending to deeping their relationship. It is acting a band aid for a status quo.

[Pierre]

I've wondered about this before, and this may have been discussed in other posts, but wanted to bring it up again.. Does anyone feel like you were actually helping your AP's marriage/relationship by staying in either an emotional or physical affair with them?

 

I know OWs are masters at rationalizing the affair, but to assume you are improving the marriage is way over the top. The wife is probably unsettled, but she cannot put her finger on what is going on. At some level the wife knows things are not right, but she cannot imagine an affair.

 

 

When I first started talking to him, he was talking about how he has wondered about divorce, and he couldn't bear to live without his kids, and that's why he was staying etc.. His W used to always stress him out. But as our EA/PA continued (mostly EA), his marriage seemed to magically start going well.

 

He said those things get the affair going. Once he had you there was no need to do the show and dance anymore regarding his marriage.

[2sure]

I wouldnt say having an affair can improve a marriage - but it is possible that a WS unhappy with the marriage might might decide to stay with the marriage as opposed to divorcing. An affair might fulfill some of the needs that a WS was considering leaving over, so with a wife and an AP - they stay with the marriage. Its called cake eating.

[psm04]

I know OWs are masters at rationalizing the affair, but to assume you are improving the marriage is way over the top.

 

Hi Pierre, seen and enjoyed many of your posts on here. I feel like I should clarify again about what I meant. I think I asked the question in the wrong way. First of all, I'm married myself, and I'm not rationalizing my A with a MM. I'm currently in the process of trying to end it since the A has caused more drama and heartache than good things. And no, I'm not assuming that I'm helping his marriage, or even wanting to do that. I guess my question was directed towards anyone having an affair who is feeling 'used' (I know, wrong word, but not sure what else to say) by their AP to improve their own relationship/marriage. Basically, you make it easier for them to stay in their situations, since they are getting what they want from their partners, but also what they are missing from the AP. Hope I clarified things!

[Silly_Girl]

The amtmosphere between W and WS improved considerably in my situation.

[Decorative]

Underwater, I think if you look at it a little bit more from the WS lens you may see what she is saying.

 

I think for the WS, at the apex of the affair you have all of your needs met. Most of the time you have some needs that are not being met by your spouse (and I am not going down the rabbit hole if they should, shouldn't, etc. just take that stance) and so you find this other person. And then they are filling that void. So then, with all the plates spinning you have this amazing symphony where there is a balance and you are the most happy and contend. The problem is, soon one or more of the plates is going to start wobbling and then its a game of catch up.

 

Harley would love to see that "unmet needs" crap repeated. LOL I am always surprised when I see a former affair partner using that. I would think it would be highly unsettling, especially if they are in a continuing relationship with a former " unmet needs" cheater. nobody can make another person be happy. And it's akin to shoveling in a snowstorm to think it's a longterm strategy.

 

 

But- that's what happens when you have people who have the external focus on validation, and not intrinsically happy people.

 

So sure. For a screwed up person- it helps. Short term.

 

But they turn around and they are still stuck with unfixed selves. And it's far more than the broken plates from juggling lies that causes the problems later.

[Decorative]

The amtmosphere between W and WS improved considerably in my situation.

 

And you spoke to the wife about this? During your affair?

[Got it]

Harley would love to see that "unmet needs" crap repeated. LOL I am always surprised when I see a former affair partner using that. I would think it would be highly unsettling, especially if they are in a continuing relationship with a former " unmet needs" cheater. nobody can make another person be happy. And it's akin to shoveling in a snowstorm to think it's a longterm strategy.

 

 

But- that's what happens when you have people who have the external focus on validation, and not intrinsically happy people.

 

So sure. For a screwed up person- it helps. Short term.

 

But they turn around and they are still stuck with unfixed selves. And it's far more than the broken plates from juggling lies that causes the problems later.

 

Decorative, really? In what way, shape, manner and form did I say it was acceptable, appropriate or healthy? Jesus, try and actually explain something and still get bashed over the head with out any ability to let go off the myopic soapbox.

[Decorative]

Not just my own sitch, BUT ANYONE I have known who had an EMR began to find more fault, more unhappiness with their spouse the longer the affair continued.

 

Maybe initially, but over time, absolutely not.

 

Absolutely. Contrast affect, coupled with compartmentalizing.

[Decorative]

Decorative, really? In what way, shape, manner and form did I say it was acceptable, appropriate or healthy? Jesus, try and actually explain something and still get bashed over the head with out any ability to let go off the myopic soapbox.

 

I didn't say you said it was acceptable. I said I was surprised you stated the unmet needs theory. I am allowed to be surprised at that.

 

You may want to take a step and a breath, and actually read what I wrote.

 

I'm wearing heels today. No need for a soapbox. I'm tall enough as it is.

[Got it]

You took a swing at me. Period. You want to act coy fine but it is pretty apparent.

 

I was trying to explain what the OP may have been referring to to help those that have not been in those shoe to see the point and then discuss.

 

But I know trying to actually understand each side to come to some sort of understanding is not a priority to all here.

[Pierre]

Hi Pierre, seen and enjoyed many of your posts on here. I feel like I should clarify again about what I meant. I think I asked the question in the wrong way. First of all, I'm married myself, and I'm not rationalizing my A with a MM. I'm currently in the process of trying to end it since the A has caused more drama and heartache than good things. And no, I'm not assuming that I'm helping his marriage, or even wanting to do that. I guess my question was directed towards anyone having an affair who is feeling 'used' (I know, wrong word, but not sure what else to say) by their AP to improve their own relationship/marriage. Basically, you make it easier for them to stay in their situations, since they are getting what they want from their partners, but also what they are missing from the AP. Hope I clarified things!

 

OK, I get it.

 

But, enabling a cake eater is just that. Cake eating made easier!

 

BTW, I always see a trend regarding cheating and that is the NEEDS. Not having emotional needs met is a factor, but in many cases the cheaters are simply black holes that suck up attention left and right . And no one can make another person happy 24/7.