LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Found Out He Was Married


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree18Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th February 2013, 12:57 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Eggplant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,803
Found Out He Was Married

I'm 25. I dated a man (34) for more than a year from a foreign country. He works in this country because he can make much more money for his family. He has been here for the past 8 years, by himself.

We were inseparable. He treasured me. He treated me extremely well.

I did not know he was married. He said he had never been married. There were some clues that I should've seen. He had daughters from a "previous" relationship: ages 12 and 14. He talked to them every day on the phone. He struck me as a very caring person, and a loving father. I talked to his sister on the phone. She didn't mention he was married.

He went back to him country of origen to be with his children. I thought this was the right thing to do. He hadn't seen his girls in years. I wouldn't want to be with a man who neglected his children.

The plan (prior to me finding out) was for me to visit him for a while. He would visit me. And I would eventually come to live with him after I finished grad school.

But then shortly before my first planned visit, I got a call from his wife. She said they had been married for 12 years. She knew very personal details about me which he had been telling her over the past year. She said he was asking for a divorce and that it wasn't fair since they'd been together since she was 15 (now she's 30).

I feel horribly betrayed by him for deceiving me and I am not speaking with him. If he divorces his wife for me, now I am the woman who ruined a family, and everybody will hate me. And on that note, I absolutely do not want to break up a family. Did he not realize that this wouldn't work? I never had the chance to tell him his plan wouldn't work because I didn't understand the situation because he lied.

He tells me that I wouldn't be breaking up anything because he was never happy. He begs for forgiveness. He'll never lie again.

He filed for a divorce. I told him not to! He says he'd risk anything to be with me.

I have not been making any contact with him. Not answering calls, texts, or e-mails. Phone rings for 20 minutes at a time. And it's been excrucating because I still am madly in love with him. This is killing me. I am dying to answer him. I love him. But I feel that to answer him would be to betray his wife and his children, and myself.

I am trying to sacrifice my happiness to do the right thing. Life, why would you make me do something so hard? I am being asked to amputate a portion of my soul and the only thing that is keeping me strong is thinking of his girls. I was once in their position.

In his messages, he says the wife left with her boyfriend. That in several more weeks the divorce will be finalized. That he needs me now more than ever. That his daughters and whole family know about me.

I know that I should block his messages. I can't. I haven't responded, which is the important part.

It is imperitive that if he is divorcing his wife that I not be in the picture, not talking to him. He can't think I'm an option. Then, it won't be for me that he is leaving. And if it is for me he is leaving, I don't want him to do it. I can't have that kind of guilt.

If he gets back with the mother of his children, then my sacrifice won't have been in vain.

In the event, however, that he does go through with the divorce anyway, then can I contact him? Not saying that I necessarily would want to get back with him because I know he is a liar. But would I be wrong to even contact him?

Sorry if this sounds pathetic. If you think so, please reinforce that for me. I need clear-headed people to respond.

Thanks
Eggplant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 1:12 AM   #2
Established Member
 
SoleMate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 4,707
It's hard to see how someone (you) could ever get past a lie that huge, carried on for so long. OTOH, if he's truly ending his marriage regardless of what you do, then you really have no decisions to make and you will also have very little to no responsibility for whatever becomes of his marriage.

BTW, your story is not pathetic in the sense of people scorning you. It's just sad for all involved:
  1. YOU - Lied to by someone you loved and trusted, so he could be in a r/s you would never have agreed to had you known the truth
  2. THE WIFE - Cheated on and possibly lied to
  3. THE CHILDREN - They get nothing out of this except upheaval and anxiety
  4. EVEN HIM - Unhappy marriage and his soft landing is now imploding

Not sure the above helps you, so can you clarify what your questions are?
__________________
Heavily medicated for your safety.
SoleMate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 1:13 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 964
You're not pathetic, just very sad.

You know, this isn't just about what he has done to his wife and children--he deceived you as well. Even if he does get a divorce without your involvement, how could you possibly ever trust a man who has lied to you so blatantly and cruelly in the first place? He is a selfish man who is willing to manipulate and lie for his own benefit. How could you ever respect him knowing that?

No, you shouldn't contact him and you should block him from contacting you--not because it would be wrong or right but because it would be the smartest and best thing you could do for yourself.
Survivor12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 1:57 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,755
Just know he's still lying to you. And kudos to you for sticking your ground and staying strong!
Quote:
In his messages, he says the wife left with her boyfriend. That in several more weeks the divorce will be finalized. That he needs me now more than ever. That his daughters and whole family know about me.
Yet when she called you, she said:

Quote:
But then shortly before my first planned visit, I got a call from his wife. She said they had been married for 12 years. She knew very personal details about me which he had been telling her over the past year. She said he was asking for a divorce and that it wasn't fair since they'd been together since she was 15 (now she's 30).
Stay away from him forever. Even if you love him, so what? how could you ever trust him again. This man is scum.

You feel bad for hurting his wife and you don't want to help him or be a part of breaking up a family unit. Stick to that, remember your anger, remember how he's lied and betrayed you as well! Look how he's treated the woman he married, the woman he had children with...He certainly isn't going to treat you any better!! He LIED to you about being married from the get-go, intentionally for a long time.

Sorry you're hurting. Keep venting here and stay strong. Grieve the loss and heal so one day in the future you can be with a man who isn't married and will only adore you.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 3:27 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 349
Let me give you a man's point of view. Some cultures encourage men to have affairs. So I don't know which country he's from but if he's from "south of the border" then you can almost guarantee he will continue cheating. But if he seems honestly in love with you and you with him, why not give it a shot. Everyone knows it is extremely difficult (close to impossible) to find a life long happy couple. All love transforms with time. I believe there are many different stages of love. Obviously, the most desired of all of the stages is the initial, most passionate stage. So we will all have desires to bring back those flames but in a very long relationship those flames won't come back. But another level of love will. And every level of love is enjoyable and necessary for true love. If he is officially divorced from his wife then I encourage you to give him a chance. But you don't want to get into a relationship where you are going to be constantly suspicious of your partner. Good Luck! But don't pass up a potential opportunity for yourself. Analyze all angles and decide if it's something you can accept.
Brian1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 3:33 PM   #6
LFH
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 474
[QUOTE=Brian1;4581802]Obviously, the most desired of all of the stages is the initial, most passionate stage. QUOTE]

Really? Not for me. I don't think that's true for a lot of people, and I'd certainly not have thought that that was obvious.
LFH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 3:38 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 349
[QUOTE=LFH;4581812]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian1 View Post
Obviously, the most desired of all of the stages is the initial, most passionate stage. QUOTE]

Really? Not for me. I don't think that's true for a lot of people, and I'd certainly not have thought that that was obvious.
Maybe for men then. I can't speak for women. But I always assumed it was. I say it's the most desirable stage but certainly not the best stage.
Brian1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2013, 5:46 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6,111
I would suggest you stay NC with him, regardless of whether he divorces or not. He misled you with a huge lie, and manipulated you this whole time under false pretenses. You can't trust a guy who does that. It's not in your best interests to invest your life in someone who could be so deceitful and dishonest. There are better men out there who have honor and integrity, and who would be honest with you. He may have other good qualities, but if he doesn't have integrity, what good is he, really? Find a man who is trustworthy and honest. Those are two basic, very important qualities in a man, and this guy has neither, regardless if he eventually divorces. He's shown what he is capable of, and how manipulative and dishonest he can be. Not a man to invest your time and life into.
KathyM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th February 2013, 8:01 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Eggplant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,803
I agree. He has other good qualities, but what good do they do me? Thanks.
Eggplant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th February 2013, 8:38 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Eggplant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,803
"But if he seems honestly in love with you and you with him, why not give it a shot. Everyone knows it is extremely difficult (close to impossible) to find a life long happy couple."

He may have been "honestly" in love with me. But he wouldn't show any remorse about his betrayal.

Perhaps that is his biology, to "honestly" fall in love with different women at different times. And then once he's done with them to forget the love and treat them cruelly.

I would have given up a lot (country, career opportunities, having to be a stepparent) to be with this one, because I thought, as you say, that love is so hard to find (this is my first time finding it in my life). But now the love that I felt is irreversibly marred. Even if he divorced, I have this awful panic about him now, and if I ever saw him and he tried to touch me, my natural reflex would be to recoil--chemistry is altered.

Based on the relationships I've seen in my family, it does seem hard to find a life-long happy partner. A few have been successful.
Eggplant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2013, 3:08 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Acheron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: US
Posts: 66
I have been with a middle eastern man for 3 years and only found out he was married last nov 2012. it was shocking, to say the least. I had no idea. he specifically told me that he did not tell me he was married because he knew I was the type of woman that would not date an MM. He was so right!!

I try to make excuses that it is cultural but that is bulls**t. Honesty and love is universal. Only a jerk lies about that and for so long.
Acheron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2013, 8:45 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,825
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eggplant View Post
"But if he seems honestly in love with you and you with him, why not give it a shot. Everyone knows it is extremely difficult (close to impossible) to find a life long happy couple."

He may have been "honestly" in love with me. But he wouldn't show any remorse about his betrayal.

Perhaps that is his biology, to "honestly" fall in love with different women at different times. And then once he's done with them to forget the love and treat them cruelly.

I would have given up a lot (country, career opportunities, having to be a stepparent) to be with this one, because I thought, as you say, that love is so hard to find (this is my first time finding it in my life). But now the love that I felt is irreversibly marred. Even if he divorced, I have this awful panic about him now, and if I ever saw him and he tried to touch me, my natural reflex would be to recoil--chemistry is altered.

Based on the relationships I've seen in my family, it does seem hard to find a life-long happy partner. A few have been successful.
You definitely deserve much better than a MM who lied to you about his marital status. I'm sorry he put you through that, but I can see that you know you deserve better and that is great. While people can change, it takes time, typically years, and many don't. I would not count on this MM changing quickly.

I also went through a transformation of how I thought about the MM I was with. I found out (from his wife!) that he had lied to me about his relationship with his wife, and I took a harder look at the whole picture, how he had lied to his wife, to me, and decided that I wanted a partner who I could trust. I'm so happy I saw things more clearly, and I think with time you will be too.
woinlove is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Found out old colleague I liked is married... goldengirl11 The Other Man / Woman 4 13th July 2012 8:03 PM
Just found out that my ex married Guest Breaks and Breaking Up 5 29th June 2006 3:47 PM
about to get married and just found out GF cheated on me - don't know what to do confusedbigbig Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 68 12th February 2006 1:53 PM
Just found out my ex is getting married.... Triguluous Dating 3 12th April 2005 9:58 AM
Found out he is married...says he'll leave...help! CityOne The Other Man / Woman 6 1st May 2004 9:51 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:40 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.