OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 xMM wrote to invite me and some others to be part of a workgroup that he and some others I very much respect are leading. He added a personal note to my invitation which asked that, despite what happened between us, if I would be willing to try to be a part of it because I could bring a lot to the table (I'm still debating). That turned into a couple hours of back and forth. I finally got the apology I was hoping for, a lot of him beating himself up for how he mislead me, and a lot of questions answered about why it went as it did. He sounds truly miserable for what he did to his wife, and it sounds like they're taking it one day at a time but it's going OK. They're talking about renewing their vows and are getting new rings but they have yet to set a date on it. He said he hopes she will go back to wanting to meet with me someday, to get it all out and help everyone heal. He said he often struggles with wanting to reach out to me but he doesn't want to give me false hope or jeopardize things for himself again. He talked about songs on the radio that make him tear up that are the same songs that have also been triggering me. And a list of other triggers -- apparently the memories do haunt him, too. But again it's clear that he has moved on. NC broken, but I feel better. This is reality, I have to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Your MM sounds selfish and self serving. Does his wife know about the personal invitation and the two hours he spent talking to you. If he was truly committed to fixing his marriage he would not have contacted you to talk about songs that make him think of you. How do you think his wife would feel about that if she knew. He is still being a sneaky dishonest husband. He's trying to distract her with frivilous things like new rings and renewed vows. Those things have nothing to do with fixing a marriage, it's just hollow shallow stuff so that he doesn't have to dig deep and face who he is. He has no business telling you anything about their marriage. I think you should just stay away from him completely or soon you two will be luring each other back into an affair. The kind of conversation you had with him today is the very type of contact that leads to more. Lots of over romantic talk about songs making you think of each other and how you miss each other and wish you could see one another is very inappropriate conversation for a married man. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Poor baby...slam the door in his face. What a nerve to give you updates on their reconciliation. Where's the empathy for what you are going through? He gave you an apology, and then stabbed you again in case your healing was going too well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Don't know your back story but I would guess he still likes you and is too chicken to leave his wife for whatever reason, money, kids, guilt or whatever. It sounds like he is still wondering about you. But it doesn't make it any easier for you, what are you going to do? Can you cope with seeing him again? And stirring it all up again? It may be an emotional thing for you. It may be better to avoid completely... go away for a few days to somewhere nice when this 'workgroup' is scheduled... that will show him you deserve better!! If he wants to see you and to tell you he's made a mistake he can chase you down properly and he can take you to dinner... and if this is not what he's going to do then you're better off without him right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 He didn't reach out - he came fishing. And you took the bait. Here I thought it was just him enjoying hearing himself talk, as usual. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 xMM wrote to invite me and some others to be part of a workgroup that he and some others I very much respect are leading. He added a personal note to my invitation which asked that, despite what happened between us, if I would be willing to try to be a part of it because I could bring a lot to the table (I'm still debating). That turned into a couple hours of back and forth. I finally got the apology I was hoping for, a lot of him beating himself up for how he mislead me, and a lot of questions answered about why it went as it did. He sounds truly miserable for what he did to his wife, and it sounds like they're taking it one day at a time but it's going OK. They're talking about renewing their vows and are getting new rings but they have yet to set a date on it. He said he hopes she will go back to wanting to meet with me someday, to get it all out and help everyone heal. He said he often struggles with wanting to reach out to me but he doesn't want to give me false hope or jeopardize things for himself again. He talked about songs on the radio that make him tear up that are the same songs that have also been triggering me. And a list of other triggers -- apparently the memories do haunt him, too. But again it's clear that he has moved on. NC broken, but I feel better. This is reality, I have to accept it. Wow! It is hard to believe you answer this very typical fishing expedition. He can reel you back any time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Glad you got an apology..But.. They're talking about renewing their vows and are getting new rings but they have yet to set a date on it. He said he hopes she will go back to wanting to meet with me someday, to get it all out and help everyone heal. Fact he said this and seems to have an expectation or hope that you and his wife will meet is unrealistic and unfair to both of you. It's almost like he hopes his wife will be OK with you so he can have you in his life again. I certainly hope this hasn't given you hope for a future friendship with him. That won't work and it'll only cause you pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Actually I believe OP has already restarted the affair. She is already on the hook. A true ROW would not give this MOM 2 seconds of her time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Even if she doesn't fit the profile of a ROW, it doesn't mean she'd resume the A. You said it yourself that it takes time to get to full NC. She seems to be clear that he's chosen to keep his life and wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Even if she doesn't fit the profile of a ROW, it doesn't mean she'd resume the A. You said it yourself that it takes time to get to full NC. She seems to be clear that he's chosen to keep his life and wife. In some instances these relationships behave like addictions and relapses are expected. Alcoholics have to abstain 100% from ethanol. The same often applies to EMRs. Sometimes a bit of contact is all it takes. And paradoxically the folks involved see this as more evidence of the uniqueness of the relationship. OP certainly spent a lot of time in the phone with MOM and as I type this she finds herself back in square one. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Yes, please move on. He's not even worth thinking about anymore. He went back to his wife. I would not attend that work meeting if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Actually I believe OP has already restarted the affair. She is already on the hook. A true ROW would not give this MOM 2 seconds of her time. If that was his way of baiting, so be it, but all I saw clearly was his regrets. I can't presume his own full feelings or motives, but after that conversation I feel like I've *finally* given myself permission to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Poor baby...slam the door in his face. What a nerve to give you updates on their reconciliation. Where's the empathy for what you are going through? He gave you an apology, and then stabbed you again in case your healing was going too well. To be fair, I was the one who brought up the reconciliation while I was asking questions. I didn't understand how they could have been planning to renewing their vows just a few days after he had flip flopped on me. In a sense, it was good to hear that they didn't rush into that and are working to get to a better place first. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I can't presume his own full feelings or motives, Are you kidding me? From your post his motives are obvious? Is being naive a requisite to be an OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Glad you got an apology..But.. Fact he said this and seems to have an expectation or hope that you and his wife will meet is unrealistic and unfair to both of you. It's almost like he hopes his wife will be OK with you so he can have you in his life again. I certainly hope this hasn't given you hope for a future friendship with him. That won't work and it'll only cause you pain. My assumption of his wanting that has to do with him also saying that she's very intimidated by me -- that she thinks I'm somehow better than her because he fell for me and almost left his marriage for me. I wish she could see me for who I am. Younger and professionally accomplished, yes -- but also a naive, struggling woman who regrets hurting her. I know I couldn't handle a future friendship. Too messy on my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Are you kidding me? From your post his motives are obvious? Is being naive a requisite to be an OW? In general, yes, I'll admit to being incredibly naive in this whole situation. But I know his baiting from the past times we went NC. This was different. And how it was mostly different is because I feel different. I can still miss him and genuinely wish him/them the best because that's the person I am. But I can also tell myself that it doesn't matter because I won't let myself get hurt like this again. He has nothing to offer me. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 If that was his way of baiting, so be it, but all I saw clearly was his regrets. I can't presume his own full feelings or motives, but after that conversation I feel like I've *finally* given myself permission to let go. For what it's worth, I don't agree totally with the other posters. I agree with the part that he might be fishing and you need to watch out, but you seem to be cognizant of that. You certainly aren't "back in the affair" just because you had a conversation with him. As for whether he's still a lying scum and how his wife should feel that he came to seek you out, whether the marriage renewal is a "real" attempt at repairing his marriage or not... none of that has the least bit to do with you at this point. That's his wife's problem. I remember your posts as to how you were so broken about not getting answers. He came prowling back and you saw it as an opportunity to get some of your questions answered for your own peace of mind. Some people never get that. Many people here talk about how we all have the "power" to just make a decision not to do something; it's not that hard, etc. Well, if that's true, you shouldn't have to lock yourself in a bubble and refuse to have a conversation with him when HE came around, in order to get some of your questions answered, just because you weren't otherwise "strong" enough not to end up back in the A. But yes, do it for you, not for him. You aren't in an A with him anymore and you didn't chase him down, so his coming back into contact with you is on HIM and it doesn't matter whether or not he's a lying scum at this point. (To you!) So, in your case, where you seem to have accepted that it's over and are not jumping back into the A and used the conversation to get some peace for YOU, then it's okay, if you are in a better place for it. I would caution you though, to realize that he is prowling around again to get your attention. I'm not saying he wasn't sincere, because I believe he was, but I also think that his reasons (even if he doesn't realize them) are that he doesn't want to let you go. But he has to... he made his choice and it wasn't you. And now that you have your questions answered and are at a better place, leave him alone (even if he attempts to contact you again, and certainly don't voluntarily be in the same room or meeting with him unless you like torture). Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 For what it's worth, I don't agree totally with the other posters. I agree with the part that he might be fishing and you need to watch out, but you seem to be cognizant of that. You certainly aren't "back in the affair" just because you had a conversation with him. As for whether he's still a lying scum and how his wife should feel that he came to seek you out, whether the marriage renewal is a "real" attempt at repairing his marriage or not... none of that has the least bit to do with you at this point. That's his wife's problem. I remember your posts as to how you were so broken about not getting answers. He came prowling back and you saw it as an opportunity to get some of your questions answered for your own peace of mind. Some people never get that. Many people here talk about how we all have the "power" to just make a decision not to do something; it's not that hard, etc. Well, if that's true, you shouldn't have to lock yourself in a bubble and refuse to have a conversation with him when HE came around, in order to get some of your questions answered, just because you weren't otherwise "strong" enough not to end up back in the A. But yes, do it for you, not for him. You aren't in an A with him anymore and you didn't chase him down, so his coming back into contact with you is on HIM and it doesn't matter whether or not he's a lying scum at this point. (To you!) So, in your case, where you seem to have accepted that it's over and are not jumping back into the A and used the conversation to get some peace for YOU, then it's okay, if you are in a better place for it. I would caution you though, to realize that he is prowling around again to get your attention. I'm not saying he wasn't sincere, because I believe he was, but I also think that his reasons (even if he doesn't realize them) are that he doesn't want to let you go. But he has to... he made his choice and it wasn't you. And now that you have your questions answered and are at a better place, leave him alone (even if he attempts to contact you again, and certainly don't voluntarily be in the same room or meeting with him unless you like torture). Of and on contact can keep a person on the hook for years. The conversation she had was long (two hours). That was heavy duty contact. I hope she is not back in square one. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Of and on contact can keep a person on the hook for years. The conversation she had was long (two hours). That was heavy duty contact. I hope she is not back in square one. It CAN... but it doesn't have to... I don't think there is a "one size fits all" answer to these situations. I think one has to trust oneself and be strong and do what seems to be best at the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 He contacted again yesterday saying he was back out to visit his mom in hospice and that she only has a few moments left (back when she originally received her cancer diagnosis I had cried with him and saw him off at the airport). And I wrote back saying I'm sorry to hear that and she's in my prayers. Well then later he writes back to say "Who knows how long it will be. Could be weeks or months. Sorry if I was a little dramatic earlier, but please continue to pray. This will still be a difficult weekend." A LITTLE dramatic? He really is trying to keep me on the hook emotionally. Even though he says he hopes God will help me get through this and move on. Ugh. Back to NC, pronto. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 And as expected you answered the text. You are fooling no one. Hmm. maybe yourself. You are on the hook. How exactly am I on the hook? If anything I'm even more distant because I'm seeing the bs he's still trying to squeeze in. I offered up prayers for her, and I will be sad when she passes because she's someone who meant a lot to him and I can empathize. But I'm not going to be there to comfort him through this. That's his wife's job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 If anyone I knew, regardless of my history with them, said that their parent was at the brink of death, I would show compassion and say prayers on their loved one's behalf. As a person with faith, I feel like that's the right thing to do. That said, I'm extremely angry and regret that I responded because it wasn't true. I see the manipulation now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 I wish I could post it here so all of you wise people could pick the silliness apart for me and we all could have a laugh -- but he sent me a video! A 15-minute rambling video, complete with crocodile tears. Some of the highlights... "If I had my way right now, I would come running back to you. Every fiber in my being still wants to be with you." "The only thing that's keeping me from running to you right now is my faith that God knows what he's doing and that his will is for us to not be together in this way." "We had such a beautiful thing together...I ask God all the time how could that not be right?" "I'm praying that God will reward my faith and bless me by causing my strong, deep feelings for you to subside and will do the same for you." I can laugh about it, right? I know the best thing is to block this crap, but the level of martyr he's taking in all this is almost comical. He chose! Not God. Man up to your own decisions, already. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I wish I could post it here so all of you wise people could pick the silliness apart for me and we all could have a laugh -- but he sent me a video! A 15-minute rambling video, complete with crocodile tears. Some of the highlights... "If I had my way right now, I would come running back to you. Every fiber in my being still wants to be with you." "The only thing that's keeping me from running to you right now is my faith that God knows what he's doing and that his will is for us to not be together in this way." "We had such a beautiful thing together...I ask God all the time how could that not be right?" "I'm praying that God will reward my faith and bless me by causing my strong, deep feelings for you to subside and will do the same for you." I can laugh about it, right? I know the best thing is to block this crap, but the level of martyr he's taking in all this is almost comical. He chose! Not God. Man up to your own decisions, already. I would send it to his wife. And I am glad you see it for what it is. It's hard to do that, and you have the right prescription now. Link to post Share on other sites
heartinlove Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I wish I could post it here so all of you wise people could pick the silliness apart for me and we all could have a laugh -- but he sent me a video! A 15-minute rambling video, complete with crocodile tears. Some of the highlights... "If I had my way right now, I would come running back to you. Every fiber in my being still wants to be with you." "The only thing that's keeping me from running to you right now is my faith that God knows what he's doing and that his will is for us to not be together in this way." "We had such a beautiful thing together...I ask God all the time how could that not be right?" "I'm praying that God will reward my faith and bless me by causing my strong, deep feelings for you to subside and will do the same for you." I can laugh about it, right? I know the best thing is to block this crap, but the level of martyr he's taking in all this is almost comical. He chose! Not God. Man up to your own decisions, already. All I can say is WOW and so not surprising. Everyone had it right when they said that first message he was just reeling you back in. You sound like a person who trusts people at their word. Dont do it with this guy. He is confused and picking his marriage because of religion which means he will constantly try to come back to you because he is conflicted and will drag you into his conflict. Do not join his group or give him the opportunity to talk to you as long as he stays married. He is trouble and will try to suck you back in. Dont be fooled to think you cant get sucked back in this soon out. Stay away from this guy Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts