Now, What approach should I take??

[davidjor]

Ok, so many of you have read my other posts about falling pretty hard for a married women. I have gone to limited contact with her, however the pain is still unbelievable. Now, two weeks ago she invited me to a holloween party at her house, something that she really likes to do for her neice. She wants me to dress up with all the adults to scare the teanagers. Anyway, of course her husband and her family and friend are going to be there. Allot of them I know, however none know's about the feelings I have for her nor the feelings she says she has for me... I would like to back out of this event all together, however I am not sure of how. It just seems like what she says and what she does is two different things. She has told me that she doesnt want to have any physical affair on her husband... That I get, and I do respect. But, it seems as though my feelings are in shambles over her.. And really dont know what to do...

 

Yesterday, she said she was going to stop by this morning and see me on her way home from a doctors appointment.. .Well, she said it took longer than she expeceted and wasnt going to be able to make it. It seems like its that story or something similar every time she says she is going to see me..

 

Anyway, how do I get out of going to this holloween party without looking like I am a weak bastard and not being around her?

 

****, I hate this feeling... :-(

[MissBee]

Say, "sorry you know what? I already made plans with friends, so sorry I can't come but enjoy."

[mercy]

Ok, so many of you have read my other posts about falling pretty hard for a married women. I have gone to limited contact with her, however the pain is still unbelievable. Now, two weeks ago she invited me to a holloween party at her house, something that she really likes to do for her neice. She wants me to dress up with all the adults to scare the teanagers. Anyway, of course her husband and her family and friend are going to be there. Allot of them I know, however none know's about the feelings I have for her nor the feelings she says she has for me... I would like to back out of this event all together, however I am not sure of how. It just seems like what she says and what she does is two different things. She has told me that she doesnt want to have any physical affair on her husband... That I get, and I do respect. But, it seems as though my feelings are in shambles over her.. And really dont know what to do...

 

Yesterday, she said she was going to stop by this morning and see me on her way home from a doctors appointment.. .Well, she said it took longer than she expeceted and wasnt going to be able to make it. It seems like its that story or something similar every time she says she is going to see me..

 

Anyway, how do I get out of going to this holloween party without looking like I am a weak bastard and not being around her?

 

****, I hate this feeling... :-(

 

Is that you in your avatar?

 

Why are you settling for this MW?

 

I don't get it. You are an extremely good looking guy, you could have your pick of women. One that would love you, for you and just you. I don't get it. Handsome guy that you are should have women falling over you. And you settle for crumbs. Makes no sense to me. Explain, please.

[RickFox]

First off, look weak to who?

 

Secondly, who gives a crap!

 

Thirdly, quite simply, tell her no. Or don't show and if she asks later, tell her something came up and you couldn't make it. You aren't obligated to be around her and it seems to me she is giving you enough line to swim around until she wants to reel you in a bit. Cut the line brother.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, how do I get out of going to this holloween party without looking like I am a weak bastard and not being around her?

You're making a big deal of this. Either tell her you've made other plans or the day before, tell her you're sick and can't make it.

 

Who cares what she thinks if you don't show up. I think if you do go, that's pretty ballsy and also you two will be making a total fool of her husband, kids and mutual friends. To go and pretend you two are 'just friends' yet you're not? Don't go.

[Silly_Girl]

Why is it being weak? Personally, I'd say weak was going along (because you can't stop yourself) and hoovering up any little crumbs of attention that might fall your way.

 

Arrange to do something else!

[Pierre]

. Now, two weeks ago she invited me to a holloween party at her house, something that she really likes to do for her neice. She wants me to dress up with all the adults to scare the teanagers. Anyway, of course her husband and her family and friend are going to be there.

 

Anyway, how do I get out of going to this holloween party without looking like I am a weak bastard and not being around her?

 

****, I hate this feeling... :-(

 

Dude:

 

It is quite obvious this woman is a cake eater. She loves her H and wants the marriage. However, at the same time wants your attraction and admiration. She needs the external validation you provide.

 

She is also a bad woman. She did not sleep with you, but she has done some necking and emotional stuff with you. All of this for external validation! The state of her marriage is moot. She is simply a cheater.

 

Furthermore, she shows signs of narcissism: One thing is to kiss you at work and another thing is to bring you home so you can socialize with her husband. She is now telling you that she is reckless and so narcissistic that she cannot see the humiliation to her husband.

 

There is a triangle here: You, MW, and the betrayed husband. Two of you know the deal, the third party, the husband is in the dark. It is almost like she wants to make fun of her H by bringing you into her home.

 

Dude, she is a despicable woman. How could you love her?

[davidjor]

Mercy, yes that is me in the avitar.. All the sudden I am not "feeling" so well. I think sometimes, when your in a certain situation that you dont see things clearly. I have never been in this situation before so really don't know what approach to take.

 

It just sucks, Next week I am going to be traveling back to Florida for a week or so... I think that is perfect time to go NC for a while and try and really take a step back and put these feelings "in check" before it gets any worse. It just really really sucks..

[2sure]

The reason we should remove toxic people and relationships from our lives is because they make us feel bad about ourselves.

 

You arent happy because of this relationship. Thats the bottom line.

You arent happy with yourself because she is treating you like crap.

 

Do not get dressed up and go to her party to entertain her teenage guests or to give her more attention or to watch her interact with her husband - she would love to have an audience.

 

Tell her the truth - you arent comfortable going because of her and because of your feelings.

 

Go to Florida, and get some ...of whatever makes you happy.

[underwater2010]

I have an idea....have her tell her husband all about your guys little love affair. Then ask him if it is okay that you attended their family halloween party. She is not going to back off until you QUIT talking with her and her husband finds out.

[whichwayisup]

Mercy, yes that is me in the avitar.. All the sudden I am not "feeling" so well. I think sometimes, when your in a certain situation that you dont see things clearly. I have never been in this situation before so really don't know what approach to take.

 

It just sucks, Next week I am going to be traveling back to Florida for a week or so... I think that is perfect time to go NC for a while and try and really take a step back and put these feelings "in check" before it gets any worse. It just really really sucks..

 

You're right..You're not seeing this very clearly and taking a step back and detaching will help you see this in a different light.

[RickFox]

I speak from experience David, the more you expose yourself to her, put yoruself in positions to be around her, just because, or because you think you can handle it, you'll find that you can't. You'll find it will eff with your head all over again and it's not a good place to be.

 

Going thru that BS right now...get away, stay away from her, it will continue to ruin you.

[Barrsitter]

What approach should you take? The direct approach. Turn around and run away and don't look back.

 

She's a player dude and she's playing you and her husband. Inviting you to her party is either a sign of being brain-dead or she's a thrill-seeker. Either way, she's bad news.

 

Agree with Mercy. You are hot dude...go get a single girl. Forget this tramp you are chasing. She's a ball-breaker and a dead end street.

[mercy]

Mercy, yes that is me in the avitar.. All the sudden I am not "feeling" so well. I think sometimes, when your in a certain situation that you dont see things clearly. I have never been in this situation before so really don't know what approach to take.

 

It just sucks, Next week I am going to be traveling back to Florida for a week or so... I think that is perfect time to go NC for a while and try and really take a step back and put these feelings "in check" before it gets any worse. It just really really sucks..

 

Oh do I understand not thinking clearly!

 

Do me a favor and click on Pierre's username, then click on more post by him. Read, read, read, his posts, he is filled with wisdom concerning affairs.

 

Florida is the perfect place for you to be. Those beautiful beaches will heal your soul. Watch a sunset and sunrise. Check out the 'babes' on the beach. Have some fun! Take the time to decide what choices you want to make for your life. Do you really want to be that person? I don't think you do. I really don't.

 

Take a good hard look at your life and make choices that will make you proud of who you are. Don't disappoint yourself

[freestyle]

All the sudden I am not "feeling" so well.

 

That's your subconscious mind, trying to get your attention, and wake you up to the fact that this is an incredibly toxic situation. Sometimes our bodies know better than our brains.........

 

Expecting you to come into her and her H's home (while he's home) is either batsh*t crazy, or deplorably cruel. (to BOTH you & her H).

 

There's every possibility that she's merely using you as a weapon , to club her H over the head with. To 'get back' at him for.........whatever. To humiliate him.

 

It's a puppetmaster maneuver. Don't play into the drama she's manufacturing.

 

I agree with everyone else--you're a handsome man---I think you'll have no trouble finding someone who'll be available, and appreciative.

[davidjor]

Ok, I get the picture this is "toxic" I would have to agree. I hate the this feeling... So that holloween party is tonight. Yesterday she texted me asking how I was. I didnt answer, then two hours later she text back asking me to answer her please. So I told her, I just woke up and wasnt feeling well. She replied with "please go get some medecine" I didnt reply and have not heard from here since.

 

So, my questions are as follows..

 

1. How do I go about getting out of going tonight?

2. Should I say anything to her about going NC, or just ignore her?

 

I think I want her to know I am going no NC, not to be mean to her however, for me... For me to put these feelings into "check" I think its impossible to be just friends with someone, once you have developed feeligns for them. I think, maybe one day we can "just be friends" WHO KNOWS !!

[Pierre]

Ok, I get the picture this is "toxic" I would have to agree. I hate the this feeling... So that holloween party is tonight. Yesterday she texted me asking how I was. I didnt answer, then two hours later she text back asking me to answer her please. So I told her, I just woke up and wasnt feeling well. She replied with "please go get some medecine" I didnt reply and have not heard from here since.

 

So, my questions are as follows..

 

1. How do I go about getting out of going tonight?

2. Should I say anything to her about going NC, or just ignore her?

 

I think I want her to know I am going no NC, not to be mean to her however, for me... For me to put these feelings into "check" I think its impossible to be just friends with someone, once you have developed feeligns for them. I think, maybe one day we can "just be friends" WHO KNOWS !!

 

She is a textbook female player cheating cake eating narcissist woman. We tend to think only men are this way, but MW do it too.

 

There is nothing to discuss with her. You simply go into hermetic NC. Go to your phone company and tell them you want another number. In that manner she cannot break your NC. Change your email too.

 

 

Contact will keep alive the withdrawal symptoms and your agony will be much longer.

 

You need absolute NC and that includes texting and emails. If you have old photos and emails you must discard them. NC needs to be extreme and absolute. If you do absolute NC your pain will be short lived and will completely disappear. If you continue to have these mini episodes of contact you will be in pain for a long time.

 

 

You keep asking what to do.

 

Just go NC.

[davidjor]

So I didnt go to the holloween party.... about 2 hours after it started she text me asking where I was, I replied back that I was sick... She again, replied with I hope you feel better...

 

 

Dam, this situation sucks !!! I guess its one day at a time...

[Pierre]

So I didnt go to the holloween party.... about 2 hours after it started she text me asking where I was, I replied back that I was sick... She again, replied with I hope you feel better...

 

 

Dam, this situation sucks !!! I guess its one day at a time...

 

Why are you texting with her?

 

The text makes you feel a bit better for a short while and then the pain comes back twice as bad. Furthermore, texting will prolong the pain. You need to go thru hell before getting better. These mini breaks of NC simply bring you back to square one in your healing process.

[freestyle]

Why are you texting with her?

 

The text makes you feel a bit better for a short while and then the pain comes back twice as bad. Furthermore, texting will prolong the pain. You need to go thru hell before getting better. These mini breaks of NC simply bring you back to square one in your healing process.

 

 

yep.

 

Grit your teeth, and rip the band-aid off.

[firstandlast]

So I didnt go to the holloween party.... about 2 hours after it started she text me asking where I was, I replied back that I was sick... She again, replied with I hope you feel better...

 

 

Dam, this situation sucks !!! I guess its one day at a time...

 

Good job! You deserve a pat on the back. Hang in there.

[East7]

Ok, I get the picture this is "toxic" I would have to agree. I hate the this feeling... So that holloween party is tonight. Yesterday she texted me asking how I was. I didnt answer, then two hours later she text back asking me to answer her please. So I told her, I just woke up and wasnt feeling well. She replied with "please go get some medecine" I didnt reply and have not heard from here since.

 

So, my questions are as follows..

 

1. How do I go about getting out of going tonight?

2. Should I say anything to her about going NC, or just ignore her?

 

I think I want her to know I am going no NC, not to be mean to her however, for me... For me to put these feelings into "check" I think its impossible to be just friends with someone, once you have developed feeligns for them. I think, maybe one day we can "just be friends" WHO KNOWS !!

 

Hi David,

 

former OM here.

 

First question: what is this woman bringing into your life ? You don't even have sex with her. You are merely an adoration/attention provider.

On the other hand I can understand how it feels to be in love with a married woman - been there, done that. I know how it is awful, painful and powerful but you need to get over it because she is poisoning your life. Toxic relationship are made of real feelings but also of constant pain and chronic sadness. Not having sex with you is also an indicator that her feelings for you are very light to non-existent. Man..she doesn't care. She just enjoys playing you !

 

Second question: why are you feeling guilty for not going to her stupid halloween party ? Why would you go at her place and see her with her husband ? She wants two ducks around her ? right lol ?

 

Third, no you can't be friends because friendship with an affair partner is just impossible and senseless. You two are playing different roles : she is a selfish attention sucker and you are genuinely in love providing her what she wants.

 

Stop wasting your time. There are plenty of beautiful, awesome women out there

[skywriter]

Hi David,

 

former OM here.

 

First question: what is this woman bringing into your life ? You don't even have sex with her. You are merely an adoration/attention provider.

On the other hand I can understand how it feels to be in love with a married woman - been there, done that. I know how it is awful, painful and powerful but you need to get over it because she is poisoning your life. Toxic relationship are made of real feelings but also of constant pain and chronic sadness. Not having sex with you is also an indicator that her feelings for you are very light to non-existent. Man..she doesn't care. She just enjoys playing you !

 

Second question: why are you feeling guilty for not going to her stupid halloween party ? Why would you go at her place and see her with her husband ? She wants two ducks around her ? right lol ?

 

Third, no you can't be friends because friendship with an affair partner is just impossible and senseless. You two are playing different roles : she is a selfish attention sucker and you are genuinely in love providing her what she wants.

 

Stop wasting your time. There are plenty of beautiful, awesome women out there

 

I agree and also ask, why would you want to have to be a shadow, waiting in the background, watching her be a family?

 

You get to see her husband love her, while you get crumbs. She's especially cruel, to put you through that.

 

It's like, sending you a message, saying, "see what I have, you wouldn't tell and mess things up for me". This makes her especially cruel and cowardly.

 

Take back your control and get on with life for your own well being.

 

It feels so much better after you get through the initial pain of going NC.

Edited October 21, 2012 by skywriter

[RickFox]

For the love of God, just stop answering her texts.

[mr h]

Oh David you need to go back and read my story, it is exactly the same as yours except I'm not sure if you are also married as I am. My xAp would do the same thing to me invite my wife and I over her house or out for dinner. And I always went because truth be told I loved being around her as I truly believed that I loved her. So I was blind to the over all big picture of everything, yes it was fun and sexy and passionate. But it was all for nothing but horrible heartache. When I first came to this site looking for help on what to do and every single person on here told me to stay away from her as they said only a crazy and very mean girl would invite her affair partner over her house. But I didn't listen I thought no their all crazy, she's inviting me over because she loves me. Boy I was wrong, maybe at some point and time she may have had feelings for me I don't think you can be someone intimately without having some kind of feelings for them. What we are, we are their ego boost we make them feel empowered because they know that they have us. They know the can pull our strings that we will answer the calls and text messages. It took me 2 years to figure out that I was just a toy for her like a ball and if you keep bouncing she's going to keep playing with you. So stop being the bouncing ball, try your best to cut her off and go NC with her. Yes it will be hard I won't lie to you as I think about my xAp alot. Yes you may falter at times but just keep pushing forward. Good luck.