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This affair is killing me...


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I am 21 and a senior in college with a lot going for me, I don't know how I let this mess get this big. It all started about 7 months ago, when my girlfriends and I at work noticed this REALLY handsome older guy coming into our job all of the time. (we work at a local deli) He was a nice guy, and we thought he was cute so we would friendly-flirt with him, and he would friendly-flirt back. One day at work, my friend thought it would be funny to stick my number in his bag with the breakfast sandwiches he purchased.

 

I got a text one day saying that it was *Eric (that's what we'll call him for now) that comes into the deli. I couldn't believe it. One thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together. After I slept with him for the first time, I found out that he is 36 and married with 2 little girls. Even knowing this, I continued to sleep with him, and it's been going on for about 7 months, and that's where we are now. His wife works in the city and he owns a small business in town, so he can stop come during the day when the kids are at school (or camp during the summer) and his wife is at work, and that's when he'll call me over. This has been happening a few times a week for the past 7 months.

 

I didn't tell any of my friends from the deli in fear of being judged. I actually haven't told anyone because I am scared of being judged, so I need to spill it all on here. (sorry if this is rambling and boring) I'm just at a point where I don't know what to do, and I have no one to talk to it about. I feel horrible for his wife and children, I keep having reoccurring nightmares of them all coming home while we're in bed. I live in fear of her finding out and exploiting me. I know this is horrible, but I'm just addicted to this relationship. It's just physically so much better than anything I've ever had because he's 36 with much more experience than the guys my age that I've been with. But its not just the physical aspect, but just thinking that I'm doing something risky gives me sort of a rush. It also feels really nice to have someone calling me beautiful (even if he doesn't mean it) and buying me gifts. My 21st birthday just passed, and he bought me a beautiful, expensive pair of diamond stud earrings, which I haven't worn yet because I feel like I shouldn't have them. Along with the reoccurring nightmares, I feel upset every single day because I know that at the end of the day he won't leave his wife and even if he did, it's not like we would be together because of the age gap. I know I'm being stupid, but I just can't bring myself to end it and I feel so lost.

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WillSingForFood

Do yourself and his family a favor and bow out right away. You've gotten lucky for seven months without getting caught and being able to see him a few times a week, but what would you do if she did come home like you said you have the fear of? Could you live with yourself?

 

Think of their marriage crumbling (although, at this point it pretty much already has if he's been cheating for this long). Think of how his daughter's would feel about him when they find out. If they're like most children, they'll hate him for a while..especially if him and his wife get divorced and they're forced to live with one or another. Or how about if he's sleeping with other girls besides you and his wife, that increases your chances of catching an STD.

 

Seriously...this is selfish for both of you. It's not like a regular relationship where if things don't work out only you two are effected...his entire family will be effected and most likely his future. Let some other girl bare the guilt of getting caught in bed with him...don't be that girl.

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First of all, you may get some judgmental replies... but most people here are not that way, so hang in.

 

If you keep this up, the 'rush' you feel at taking a risk will almost certainly evolve into disaster. Because the risk is a high one and you have dodged the bullet for this long, but you won't indefinitely.

 

Think about his little girls and the impact on them when this explodes. Yes, he is the one who put them at risk, but they are innocent. Don't think you are exempt from the pain either. You have already made comments stating that you are addicted to him... you are in fact not addicted to HIM, but how he makes you feel.

 

You also stated that you can't believe how "this mess got this big". Trust me and others who have been there... you ain't seen nothing yet! If you keep on this path you very well may find your life as you know it in little shards around your feet.

 

You are young.... do not waste any more time on this relationship which you know full well will go nowhere. Ask yourself where you want to be next year... five years from now. Do you want to be in this relationship with no future?

 

Also keep in mind that the undivided attention, gifts, compliments, etc. will not go on forever either, even if it seems like it now. Then you will just be even more addicted to a man who has no respect for you, no further need for you, and no time for you.

 

I get that it is addictive and difficult. I am sorry for your pain. You can either get out of it now, or wait until things get even harder and possibly blow up in your face. Which is better? How much of your precious early 20's do you want to waste on this man committed to someone else and getting his ego boost from you?

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It is too bad you didn't confide in some friends and family, as that might have ended this A much sooner. If you have someone who really cares about you watching your back, I'd recommend that you confide in them as they will likely see this more clearly than you. Counselling can also help.

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Disclaimer: I am a MM with a OW in a 7 year affair and damn happy about it. Congratulations on having a physically pleasureable human realtionship expierence. Let's see, great sex, something different from your day to day life, a thrill that makes you feel excited and alive, what's not to love? You have been conditioned by soceity and "christan values" which is why you are having negative thoughts about it all. It is not your fault this man adores you. Its not your fault he is already married with kids. Its not your fault that he wants to have you for as long as he can. It is all on him. If his wife was getting it done you probably wouldn't be in the picture. If you can't over come your cultural brainwashing, then bail out you when you are ready, you have total control over this realtionship not him. Eric is stupid however for sleeping with you at his home, tell him to get an apartment or help you move into one and pay his share. I am guessing you have roomates which is why he can't come there.

 

And if you go to grad school some day maybe those diamond studs will pay for a class or books some day, or be a keepsake of a very satisfying realtionship. Good luck to you.

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Christian values or not, if the affair is killing you, then it's time to be

the strong young woman and stand up for yourself.

 

It will likely change, how you allow yourself, to be treated ,and influenced by others, for the rest of your life.

 

For myself, that is has been my perception of being involved with a MM.

 

I was more concerned with making him happy, that I eventually after some time gave in to his advances. Then I rationalised how I could handle this, A's surely have an expiration date, him telling me, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. blah, blah, blah....

 

Nobody ever mentioned, how emotioanlly draining it was for me ,and then how I found he was bidding to bed, other mutual friends. If it makes you feel it's killing you inside, then you owe it to yourself ,to just cut the cord on it quickly.

 

Everyone percieves A's , relationships, marriages, life in general in their own way. You and you alone, have to live your life, the way you see fit.

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Do you know or have you met his wife?

 

If not, she probably doesn't seem like a "real" person to you. Possibly just someone out there who your MM doesn't talk nicely of.

 

Maybe try and picture his wife as someone you DO know and care about. Someone who is "real" to you. Imagine how you would be hurting that special person & her children.

 

Believe me when I tell you that this woman is VERY real & Special too. Just as you are*

 

I sometimes try to put myself in the other person's "shoes" if I am questioning my actions/behaviors. It usually stops me dead in my tracks...

 

You are living the exact life you are choosing to live. If you're happy w/your choices then great but if not choose then to live a different life. :)

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If you can't tell your friends, you can't tell your family, you want to hide it from everyone to keep from being judged....

 

...that's usually enough of an indicator for you to already know what you SHOULD do.

 

Add in your fears and dreams about his family...

 

Are you coming here hoping we'll tell you how to end it, or are you coming here hoping we'll tell you it's ok...keep doing what you're doing?

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underwater2010

If you are looking for a way out...then let the other girls at the deli know. They will give him and possibly you the stink eye. If you need more incentive....think about his wife finding out and showing up at your work. Or how about the damage of the little girls possibly losing out on a two parent household. Do me a favor and return the diamond studs with a note that he is a POS and should go home to his wife.

 

Or if you want to stay...realize that you are second to his wife and always will be as long as the affair continues.

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If you are looking for a way out...then let the other girls at the deli know. They will give him and possibly you the stink eye. If you need more incentive....think about his wife finding out and showing up at your work. Or how about the damage of the little girls possibly losing out on a two parent household. Do me a favor and return the diamond studs with a note that he is a POS and should go home to his wife.

 

Or if you want to stay...realize that you are second to his wife and always will be as long as the affair continues.

 

I would say she is number one when he is with her. Contrary to what you all want to think, there is no number one or two. When I am with OW she is number one, period. She is not getting crumbs either, she get's my best effort at everything when we are together. To treat her any different would be very disrespectful.

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I'm not even going to touch the concept of respect here...

 

OP...as I said earlier...you already know what you SHOULD do.

 

The question remains...where are your priorities? In how this affair makes you feel, or how it's going to end up making everyone feel?

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If you can't end it yet, know that you'll need to and force your mind move in that direction.

 

Give him some boundaries. One I would insist on would be no sex in his house. Period. Never. Let him pay for a hotel room, put some effort into it. Always use protection. Always. These are things you can be firm about even if you can't end it, and feel that you have some power.

 

And please don't leave any compromising digital material behind, pictures or video. You are so young, the last thing you need is a video of you having sex on the internet.

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I have been where you are. You understand the reality of the situation and it either eats you up alive or you are totally fine with it. When I was 18 I had a sexual relationship with a 35 year old navy pilot. The relationship lasted over a year. His wife never found out, lucky me. I worried about his kids and wife constantly. He bought me gift, called me beautiful, and made me feel special. But you are nothing more than a piece of booty to him. Not matter how addicted you are to the physical part of it. This guy will throw you under the bus. I promise you. There is nothing wrong with having a physical relationship with an older man. Just not a married one.

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I would say she is number one when he is with her. Contrary to what you all want to think, there is no number one or two. When I am with OW she is number one, period. She is not getting crumbs either, she get's my best effort at everything when we are together. To treat her any different would be very disrespectful.

 

Not all affairs or MM are the same. Not all MM are respectful.

 

The point here is how the OP feels - the thread title is the affair is killing her and she describes her pain. No one should feel like that. This is a really serious issue and the OP needs help to get to a better place. I don't think telling her the MM is actually a swell guy, that she's number one as long as his wife or children aren't home, or that she is a victim of christian values and should try to enjoy the A is going to get her to that better place.

 

From all the cases I have seen where someone feels this bad, I would say the only sure route to happiness is to end the A and start healing. Often professional help is needed because, as the OP says, the A is addictive and addictions are difficult to break. To break the addiction, it can help to focus on the negatives of the A and of the MM, but one needs to be careful to also try to show oneself some love. The goal is to learn to love oneself better so that one can wake up each morning feeling positive about one's choices. Focussing on the positives of MM or the A at this critical time, can often make it more difficult to end the A.

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If you can't end it yet, know that you'll need to and force your mind move in that direction.

 

Give him some boundaries. One I would insist on would be no sex in his house. Period. Never. Let him pay for a hotel room, put some effort into it. Always use protection. Always. These are things you can be firm about even if you can't end it, and feel that you have some power.

 

And please don't leave any compromising digital material behind, pictures or video. You are so young, the last thing you need is a video of you having sex on the internet.

 

Hello, thank you everyone for your advice. Cutedragon, you are right I need to put myself into the direction of ending things because I can't do this for much longer. I have to admit we didn't always use protection in the beginning but we do now. Today, I brought up the hotel rooms and he said that we can do that. I really want to tell him that I just want to STOP, but I feel so emotionally attached that I just don't know how. He would probably stop coming into the deli and the thought of never seeing him again is hard for me to take

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Not all affairs or MM are the same. Not all MM are respectful.

 

The point here is how the OP feels - the thread title is the affair is killing her and she describes her pain. No one should feel like that. This is a really serious issue and the OP needs help to get to a better place. I don't think telling her the MM is actually a swell guy, that she's number one as long as his wife or children aren't home, or that she is a victim of christian values and should try to enjoy the A is going to get her to that better place.

 

From all the cases I have seen where someone feels this bad, I would say the only sure route to happiness is to end the A and start healing. Often professional help is needed because, as the OP says, the A is addictive and addictions are difficult to break. To break the addiction, it can help to focus on the negatives of the A and of the MM, but one needs to be careful to also try to show oneself some love. The goal is to learn to love oneself better so that one can wake up each morning feeling positive about one's choices. Focussing on the positives of MM or the A at this critical time, can often make it more difficult to end the A.

 

Why does she think it's killing her, what is casuing her pain, what makes her feel this way? If you look at it objectively it is nothing more than a realtionship between 2 humans. The pain which is most likely guilt is coming from society and the religous dogma shoved down our throats, directly or indirectly, which I might add has done nothing at all to stop these affairs or mistress keeping as long as we have been on the planet. I agree that there is an addiction elements caused from brain chemistry, which nature gave us, she is behaving exactly the way she is supposed to around an interested male. If her realtionship with this man lasts any length of time the chemical addictionwill fade and it will transition to something totally different. Good luck to the OP.

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Hello, thank you everyone for your advice. Cutedragon, you are right I need to put myself into the direction of ending things because I can't do this for much longer. I have to admit we didn't always use protection in the beginning but we do now. Today, I brought up the hotel rooms and he said that we can do that. I really want to tell him that I just want to STOP, but I feel so emotionally attached that I just don't know how. He would probably stop coming into the deli and the thought of never seeing him again is hard for me to take[/QUOTE]

 

 

If that's truly a fear of yours, you are better off ending it quicker under your power than letting it go on, likelihood of getting busted increases exponentially and the choice to end is out of your ends and ends up on his or his W's end. That's a way to tremendously lose even more self esteem.

 

I think you should examine the "next thing we knew we were in bed" bc you're smart, you need to accept they were choices that landed you there. You admit to being addicted to the rush. Things that are forbidden by nature can give that feeling to someone. Much like someone who may shoplift would feel a rush. Or someone addicted to drugs feels that rush...you get the point.

 

There's nothing respectful about his behavior. Make no mistake about that. Taking you to his home where his wife may find you is not just about a "rush factor" but likely a big F U to his wife. Men that take their OW to their home are of a more disturbed group. Granted most MM are conflict avoidant some just have entitlement issues. But you should demand better for yourself and extricate yourself PDQ before the choice is no longer yours. I wish you the best in finding your path to healing.

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OP - you know what you need to do, and the fact that you're here means that you're taking the 1st step in moving towards ending it.

 

I have never been in your exact situation, but I HAVE been stuck in an unhappy relationship where I was with the wrong man for the wrong reasons, and was just addicted to the physical aspect and couldn't bear to give that up. I loved feeling so attractive and coveted, even though once the physical aspect was over I was left with nothing... It did take me 3 years to finally move on from it. I spent my early 20's in this situation, so I can tell you first-hand that letting a relationship eat you up at this age is the worst way to spend your years.

 

While it's not the best decision, moving on to hotel rooms may be a good start. Voicing your discomfort of being at his house is good for getting the ball rolling. Next, you suggest meeting less often perhaps, tell him you are not comfortable with receiving gifts anymore. Perhaps even convince him that when he is tempted to buy you something nice, he buy something for his wife instead. Even though the best thing right now would be to cut if off completely, you are weaning yourself to the point where you will finally be strong enough to end it.

 

Since you are not comfortable with going to anyone about this in real life, do continue to come here. Continue to update us.. we'll be here.

 

And if nothing else, set yourself a time limit to keep your mind on track. Set yourself goals to achieve in the road to ending it.

 

Besides, if you're stuck on him all this time, how will you ever meet the REAL man of your dreams? The single guy who would treat you just as nicely is just waiting out there for you to finally meet him.

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