Having an affair with a married woman

[goodguy2012]

I am an unmarried guy having an affair with a married girl for the last 3 and half years. She herself is in to her marriage since 5 years. When they were just married, her husband had slapped her and said to her that he does not love her.

It was after 1 and half years in to her marriage that me and she became friends and soon we started dating. First 1 year we just dated. However only since last 1 and half years we have been having sex, though we used to kiss and hug each other earlier to that.

While our relationship was building she was also trying to work on her marriage.

After her 4 and half years in to her marriage the progress that she made with her husband was that, they could hold their hands together and would use to hug. But nothing more romantic than that and they did not have sex during those 4 and half years.

But when I queried recently about her married life and asked directly whether her husband had intercourse with her, she said yes and said that it happened recently ie around 3 months ago. I asked her how it happened, she said somehow it happened. But I could never imagine this because our relationship was growing very well even during that period.

 

But even after she said about the development in her married life our relationship is further growing and now she does not even insist for condoms while having sex and now we meet much more often than before. Of course their is lot of love between us.

In the past 2 and half years, I have bore all her expenses, from her phone charges, to her dresses and lingerie and sandals, beauty parlor expenses etc

She does not ask a penny from her husband.

But I have also been refusing the marriage proposals brought to me from my parents. And hence they are in agony and upset and are saying that our relatives are insulting them by asking whether there is any problem in me as I am refusing marriage proposals.

Also I know that the girl I have loved can not divorce her husband as she was married in to her close relatives family. So her divorce will spoil the relation between the two families, which she can not dare to face.

[goodguy2012]

Thanks for the reply LadyGrey.

In the first eight months of our dating, I had not taken her seriously as she was married. She used to ask me whether I can give the name "marriage" to our relationship. That time a marriage proposal had come for me and my girlfriend had cried and said that she would give love to me entire life, is that not enough?, she had asked me.

But now, since last two years, she has been insisting that I should get married to a girl of my parent's choice. Recently she scolded me for refusing one very good marriage proposal and indicated that even after I marry some one, she would like to continue relationship with me.

Also since last one year, she seems be more happy than before. I do feel that it is due to the love that I give to her. But sometimes I also feel that it may be due to the love of her husband to her, which she may not be telling me about. She usually refuses to talk about her married life details.

I feel that if I leave her she may be unhappy and may loose her way in life. But I may be wrong again, as I do get the feel at times that, it will not affect her in a big way and she may continue to be happy and may not miss me at all. I really don't know which of my feelings are correct. Bottom line is, she has the guts to say that I should marry someone and I have not had the guts to marry some body single.

[goodguy2012]

I have thought of one plan: I will tell her that I had to say yes to one marriage proposal due to huge pressure from my parents and that I will have to end relationship with her, as I would not like to compromise the sanctity of the marriage.

[nofool4u]

So if we are reading correctly, she claims he slapped her and told her he doesn't love her.

 

But she will not leave because of both sides of the family?

 

On top of that they still have sex and tells you it "just happened" without much elaboration?

 

Methinks someone is feeding you a line of bulls**t

 

Explain to me how, if he truly was physically abusive, she explains to him all the things she gets that you pay for? I'd think if he was physically abusive this would tip him off that she is messing around and she would get more than just a slap.

[FightClub]

Hey Goodguy2012,

 

I'm an exOM and I understand where you're going from, so with that in mind;

 

It's probably not what you want to hear but I'd say it's time to seriously ask yourself why you allow yourself to have less than what you are worth in this relationship?

 

To be honest, from the back story it sounds as if she's only using you as a triangular stabilizer i.e. she gets the best of both worlds without having to commit to either, well, she already is committed, just not to you in this case.

 

Her telling you to find a single woman to marry is quite obvious; she doesn't have the willpower or care enough for you to end the affair so she's hoping you will end it for her, so she doesn't end up looking like the bad guy and can give the WS the illusion that everything is going well between them.

 

Consider this; Am I (you ), getting what I deserve or do I deserve someone who cares and appreciates me for me, without having to hide or have stipulations on when we can meet or if the coast is clear of her spouse?

 

Read up on all the different variations of affairs from all sides; Other man/woman, Wayward spouse, Betrayed spouse and you'll find that the right questions to ask of your situations will be much more transparent.

 

-FC

[goodguy2012]

He is actually a good guy. Even at odd times like 11 pm he has few times received my calls to her. He usually does not ask her details about her friends. He had slapped her when they were just married and she had tried to initiate the things herself. May be to show that she should not expect any love from him, he had slapped her. This made her scared and for two years, she would hardly speak with him. Why he married her even though he did not love her, she has not told me.

But after she began to interact with me I used to make her feel good about her looks, her way of talking etc. Also she began to go out of her house for a thesis preparation and made new guy friends. All this gave her self esteem and she began to work on her marriage with this new found confidence in her abilities. Hence next two years she was successful initially to begin with, chatting with him, and then holding each others hands and then finally hugging each other.

During that time she started having sex with me and she was a virgin then. She would give me few details about the progress with her husband now and then. But since last six months she dint share about any happenings with her husband. I was under the impression that things are no more working between them and began to feel secure about my relationship with her.

But when I asked her last month about her husband, it was to my surprise that she said that they had an intercourse 3-4 months back. I then said to her that, it should mean that her husband loves her now and would have said to her during sex at least that he loves her and she would have said to him too. Instead of giving any further details, she began to cry and said I should not ask about details as it is painful for her to talk about that. She said she would explain everything to me only after I was married with some body. And later it progressed towards she saying to me that she loves me more than her husband and would love me through her life, even if I stopped loving her.

[goodguy2012]

Hi FightClub, thanks for the reply. she does say to me that she comes to me for love and not sex. But for me love also means planning a future together, starting a family and having kids and mentor their growth. Actually I know her husband always has more chances to influence her future since they share the same space together and live in the same room and sleep in the same room together. But I need to be grateful to him for not taking care of his wife's needs. As it was due to this negligence by him that she found me as her sex partner and soul mate.

 

Actually i'm kind of playing a game here. My intention is to make her drawn towards me so much that, one day she would find hard to stay away from me and would come to me permanently. Last few months have been encouraging in that respect as she spends now more time with me, meets me 2-3 times per week now and does now oblige my desire to have sex with her often, at least once if not twice per week. I have begun to get the feel that she thinks now more of me than her husband even when she is at home or even when she is sleeping on the same bed with him.

But I may be wrong here again. If her husband just begins to make use of all the opportunities that she provides to him by living with him in the same room, by sleeping with him on the same bed, I would be definitely out of her mind.

This may happen soon in the future as now their relationship is better than before or they may already be having frequent romantic sessions but she may not be telling me about that.

So this fear of loosing to him is always looming large for me and me investing in so much love to her to make her feel drawn towards me is actually a gamble. This gamble can backfire at me anytime.

[nofool4u]

So this fear of loosing to him is always looming large for me and me investing in so much love to her to make her feel drawn towards me is actually a gamble. This gamble can backfire at me anytime.

 

She is a cheater who is feeding you a line of bs so as to make you feel better about her cheating on her H.

 

And since she is a cheater, the only one that looses is the one that ends up with her. So if she stays with him, you aren't the one loosing.

[Capris]

But for me love also means planning a future together, starting a family and having kids and mentor their growth. .... But I need to be grateful to him for not taking care of his wife's needs. As it was due to this negligence by him that she found me as her sex partner and soul mate.

 

Actually i'm kind of playing a game here. My intention is to make her drawn towards me so much that, one day she would find hard to stay away from me and would come to me permanently.

 

 

In the past 2 and half years, I have bore all her expenses, from her phone charges, to her dresses and lingerie and sandals, beauty parlor expenses etc

She does not ask a penny from her husband.

 

 

Hello goodgy2012.

Im so sorry you are going through this. Most of us in here have been and we know its hard. Im sorry for what im going to say, as i have been exactly in your place and in denial to see the truth.

 

I can only hope you will at least consider for a moment what we are trying to tell you here. I think she is the one playing the game, dear. Im so sorry.

 

I hope im wrong, as i can not judge someone from a brief description of another person i dont know. But if you are here seeking for advice, im sure something is bugging you too.

 

i wish you all the best and keep posting!!

 

edit: also this:

and indicated that even after I marry some one, she would like to continue relationship with me.

 

It seems like she has no intention of breaking the affair deal. She wants you as an affair partner, nothing else.

Please please think about all this. Try to clear your mind and think of it as if you were counsiling a friend on his relationship.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Capris

[RickFox]

I promise your 'game' isn't anywhere close to par with the one she is playing. She isn't gonna run to you and be with you and you alone, she has what she wants. She's got the marriage stability and the fun on the side. She's with you 2 to 3 times a week and you act like you've got the majority of her time but you don't.

 

You are trying to rationalize it all and you won't see the truth til you get burned. She's got you hook, line and sinker

[goodguy2012]

Hi Capris, thanks for the reply.

She was a virgin until I had sex with her one year back. When she told me recently that she had intercourse with her husband 3 months back, I was surprised. I was actually counting on the fact that for a marriage to be considered to be consumnated, intercourse is essential. Hence I was thinking that her sexless marriage could mean that a divorce would be easy to get anytime. Her sexless and loveless marriage of 5 years would force her to come out of the marriage at some point of time, I used to feel. I did tell her that now that she had sex with her husband, it would not be proper for us to continue our relationship. When I asked her about how her first sex with her husband happened, she was in pain and told some how it happened and asked me not to ask any thing further on that. But even after this our relationship kept growing further with an increase in love, affection and understanding between us. And recently she even stopped asking me to use condoms. This further made me feel that she has considered her self to be completely mine and hence I was feeling secure about the relationship again.

But few days ago I began to question her thru the day about our relationship. She said that she had already told me that she could not leave her family and come to me and again insisted that I need to marry a suitable bride.

I would like to add here about our first two years of relationship. In our first eight months of relatioship, she would send me 120 sms per day, make 60 calls and chat with me on phone for 6- 8 hours per day. Even though we used to date as well, whenever she used to ask whether I loved her, I would say to her that I did not love her and that I used to consider her as a great friend with whom I would like to have sex. After those eight months she got fed up with me and began to withdraw from me. Then I began to feel how much I miss her. And began to beg and fight her for her attention towards me. We began to meet again after the next three months. Duing the next one year that followed, I would ask her whether she loved me, she would say that she did not love me. I would ask her whether she would come to my room to meet me, she would say she does not go to any bachelor's room alone. When I talked about sex, she would say she would have sex only with her husband and never with me.

But now she comes to my house and we make love. She says that even when I used to fight with her, she used to love me. Obviously even though she loved me in her mind, she would say that she did not love me when I would ask her whether she loved me.

So infering from the above, it makes me sometimes feel that even though she is currently saying to me that she would not leave her husband and come to me, in her mind she wants to be with me and one day she may eventually come to me.

But I have also begun to feel that, if she and her husabnd are indeed having sex regularly then there will never be any need for her to leave her husband and that now her relationship with me may be purely an affair that may break down at any point of time.

Really speaking I have lost all hopes for my future with her and I feel I will forever be the other man if I continue in this relationship.

Edited July 15, 2012 by goodguy2012

[whichwayisup]

it makes me sometimes feel that even though she is currently saying to me that she would not leave her husband and come to me, in her mind she want s to be with me and one day she may eventually come to me.

 

End it. She isn't leaving. Reguardless of how she feels about you, really doesn't matter at the end of the day because it's an affair and you are the OM.

If you want a meaningful, long term relationship you must end with her and let yourself grieve the loss so you can find love with someone who will only love you.

 

STOP paying for her expenses. Stop being there for her and putting her first. Focus on your own life, friends, family etc..

 

I hope you do end it because you're settling to be second fiddle.

[ac11442]

No one seems to have acknowledged the fact that this isn't a regular situation. It appears that her's was some sort of arranged marriage and his family is arranging (or at least attempting to) one for him as well. That DOES NOT change the dynamics of his relationship with WS, just the circumstances of her marriage.

 

I'm sure when she told him to go ahead and accept a marriage proposal it was so they could both be married and still continue to see one another. By him refusing it actually brings their relationship further into the light. Once he's married back in the shadows it goes.

 

I believe she has been having regular sex with her husband and, sorry goodguy, I know you don't want to hear that. But it comes with the territory. And I'm seriously doubting you were her first. Maybe you were the first person she's had sex with that she loved, but I'm doubting her actual first.

 

This is a tough one. I've known people in these types of relationships and they are extremely complicated and cannot be treated like any other affair. The ramifications of leaving a marriage, or refusing one, go well beyond your family being disappointed.

[ghgh750]

goodguy,

 

Are you from India? I ask because I want to know the cultural background before giving advice.

[frozensprouts]

i'm kind of onfused about some of the thigs you wrote...maybe you could lear things up for me...

 

you say she takes no money from her husband and you buy her everything? how does she explain the new items to her husband? how does he think she pays for them/ does she use her own money or money from him? if he thinks she's using money from him, what does he really do with the money he gave her?

i don't understand how a wife can bring new items, especially personal things like shoes, underwear, etc. into the house that her husband didn't pay for and he doesn't wonder where they came from? does she say she bought them with her own money/ whatever she says to him to explain it, it's a lie, so she's shown she an lie to protect herself when she needs to, ad she's good at it...enough to make a man who she was afraid of believe her

 

also, you say they never had sex until a short time ago? maybe it's a cultural difference, but pretty much every marriage i've head of involved sex long before the five year mark...usually, it's the first night mark...most husband's would want sex long before that...she may very well be lying here as well...

 

given the amount of lies she is telling both you and her husband, what makes you think you an trust her?

[goodguy2012]

She was having a good career before she gave it up only to work on her marriage. As her husband was not loving her, she was too proud to ask not anything from him. But she began to spend on her thesis and soon she went in to financial distress. That time I still used to fight with her and I have seen her being attentive towards herself, would not go to beauty parlour and would wear her old clothes which would look dull. After our realatioship restarted and I began to take care of her she started to shop with me for all her needs and I began to give her money every month so that she could take care of her thesis and her other requirements.

It does look like she wears the fancy lingerie only for me. The other day I shopped with her a sexy nightwear that she was really crazy about and also normal kind of bras for regular wear. She took only the bras and told me to keep the sexy nightwear in my house itself. A few days after that she came to my house and was really in her elements wearing that nightwear and was enjoying immensely.

Just as I was typing the above lines, she called me and I asked her whether she has had regular sex with her husband , she said yes they are having sex regualrly.

[justpassingthrough]

What are you going to do when she ends up pregnant?

[goodguy2012]

A new twist in the things. I told her a cheat. She came to my house. She was looking good and healthy. When she asked me to hold her hand, I told her it is not correct to touch her as her husband is now having a good life with her. Then there were a few arguments, where in I kept saying that the things were over between us and she was saying that we could not be for ever with each other as things were bound to change. I kept talking about the past and present etc continuously. After some time she became giddy and I was seeing for the first time, she almost fainting.

Then she told me that when she was diagnosed with a medical condition few months ago(she had told me about the medical condition), she did tell about that to her husband also. She told her husband that the medical condition is such that if she does not become pregnant within one year, she will develop a severe form of cancer followed by death(this severeness of the medical condition I did not know.) And then her husband out of his willingness to help her agreed to have sex with her and try to get her pregnant. And so this started a few months ago and slowly they moved towards having sex often.

As she was saying these things some times she appeared to be falling by the side, and I was holding her. She said even getting pregnant may be difficult, hence they may plan for going for artificial semen insertion(of her husband). she said she can not have babies from me as she can not answer back home.

She said getting emotional, stress and travelling have not been advised for her. She looked like lost and it looked to me to be the effect of my arguments with her.

She said doctor has given her 50% of survival chance and that one year is the time before which she has to get pregnant to save herself from death.

She said she did not tell me all these things earlier as she did not want me to feel insecure over anything.She said she needs me always and would love me always, but if I feel that my happiness lies in moving away from her, she would not stop me, she said.

She was saying that sometimes she feels lost in some other world and suddenly when some body talks to her, she gets scared. That happened today twice with her, when I tried chat with her.

she was looking pale, was finding it hard to walk, was talking in a very feeble voice, which I had never seen before happening with her. She was resting her head on me and I was holding her. She was feebly mumbling that even if I left her, she would be always with me.

[aawebdev]

its nothing wrong in having an affair with a married woman.but it depends on the situation.in your case i think both of you should settle with each other

[aawebdev]

from your posts, you yourself is seemed to be confused now.you are not sure if you love the woman

[Capris]

Hello goodguy.

First of all i want to apologise for not taking note that this is a hard situation due to your culture, as ac11442 pointed out. Im sorry about that.

 

She told her husband that the medical condition is such that if she does not become pregnant within one year, she will develop a severe form of cancer followed by death

 

Now on to this.

No. Im sorry, i cant believe this. Ive never heard of such medical condition, that if you dont get pregnant, you will die. I know how much you may want to believe it and if so, please do your research.

 

This woman is tricking you. Try to seperate the dream of what you two may become from what is going on right now. You are holding on to a relationship you wish you had with her and not taking note of the things that are happening right now that hurt you.

 

 

Take care goodguy!

and pay no attention to aawebdev, he's a spammer and a bad one. Cant even make good signature

[goodguy2012]

She is having a very serious problem of PCO which can lead to cancer if not cured early. And her body is not responding to medication. One way of curing PCO's is to get pregnancy, as in some cases it balances the hormones. So she has to be made to ovulate first(PCO does not allow ovulation) and then pregnancy has to be attained as that can actually cure PCO permanently. She is having a much complicated medical condition than what I am able to make here as a write up.

Edited July 16, 2012 by goodguy2012

[whichwayisup]

She told her husband that the medical condition is such that if she does not become pregnant within one year, she will develop a severe form of cancer followed by death(this severeness of the medical condition I did not know.)

 

Go read up on PCOS. This doesn't mean she is going to get cancer and die. IF she gets cancer, there are treatments/chemo she can do. This isn't a death sentence.

 

I think she's greatly exaggerating, especially the 'if I don't get pregnant within a year I'm going to get cancer and die..' Go google this.

[goodguy2012]

Hmmm I told her the same thing that on internet we find the information that PCO's is curable. But she told that may be true but the complexities are very much different from person to person. She is having a few other added complexities like thyroid. I also think she will be alright, but she seems to be terrified by some of the effects of the medication and also the effects of PCO itself, that she says she is getting to see in her. She told me about a girl whom she regularly sees in hospital and who is in to her final stage of ovarian cancer. Her mind seemed to to occupied with the plight of that girl.

Even if I take that pregnancy is the best solution to her all problems, that will again leave me no where. She will get pregnant and have a child and after that she will have no reason to meet me ever. And her husband will love her more and more. But she says she needs me always for her happiness. It also looks to me that if I tell her that I am leaving her she may develop stress and that may be bad for her. Nevertheless I have decided to look for single girls for marriage.

[goodguy2012]

Hi LadyGrey,

the following are lines that I found in a website that describe the relationship between PCO and cancer:

"Unfortunately, the conditions that lead to the development of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as well as some of the medical problems linked to PCOS, may also set the stage for ovarian cancer. Studies have linked the occurrence of ovarian cancer in women with the consumption of diets high in refined carbohydrates (2). Such diets are prevalent among PCOS sufferers and contribute to the underlying Insulin Resistance that causes Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome."