The "other man--- other man".

[oakhurstdan]

This message is about the other man... being the other *man*.

Think about it.

If I'm in the wrong place, at hte wrong time, delete me, just let me know.

It's real. I'm real... this is real.

______________

 

Hey folks,

 

I'm him.

 

The 37 year old stable, fun guy , kinda visible in the community

(it's a small town), a man your wife knows and likes, maybe we've

worked together, or you and I have. We're friends... and then we

become best friends. I start to come over more and more to your

house, to hel pyou finsih your new "game room", and then you start to

be over at my house, a lot, more often then not, when your wife pages

you cause dinner is ready and will you be home soon?

 

These, of course, are never the times we're having sex. We plan much

better, and much further ahead than that. After all, I too am a

sucessful man in the community with my own house, a large bedroom

suite, spa and deck out back, the tpyical American dream. It's just

that I'm ... "single"... and the talk around town is either that I'm

gay, or I just haven't found the right woman. Nyah. He can't be

gay. I'm mean, you can "TELL" when they're gay....

 

Wrong. On both counts.

 

I don't need to find the "right woman". I found someone I love. I

didn't know it would be you, but it is. You're my best buddy, you're

my lover, your the most important person in my life.

 

And you're married.

 

How it happened the first time for us isn't important... but it did

happen... it was... fun... kinda high-school uh-we-shouldn't-but-oh-

that-feels-do-that--wow! kinda fun. You're surprised at your

reaction to it, I'm pleased beyond expectations. Mansex. It's not

the first time for either of us... but it was OUR first time together.

 

You are the second man I have fallen in love with... maybe I am gay,

but I enjoy woman's company too, I just have never fallen in love

withi a woman. Anyway. I didn't care. With that first man, I knew

what I wanted. I wanted him. So I told him. I said it. I told

him, "I love you".

 

It was weeks before I saw HIM again, and it wasn't long before I

realized things had changed, and, we stopped seeing each other. I

moved away from him, vowed I'd never go through that crap again and

got on with my life. Dating women. Like I should.

 

I met you in the most unexpected circumstance; we ended up having

some beers way past the time everyone else had gone home and started

talking religion. You were going to be a Baptist Minister when you

grew up, until you came back from Vietnam. Instead, you became Vice

President of a well known bank. Unvelievable how that night turned

out. No one could have made that up. Screenwriters in hollywood, or

at least, the less-legitimate film makers would KILL for that script.

 

You have many anxious times over your feelings --- it feels good, it

is DAMN good... but... your wife... you shouldn't be ... because...

you know.... what if... We've talked about it. I've never had much

to say to you. I don't know what to say --- I haven't been married,

ever, and you've been with your (2nd) wife for 13 years now.

 

I could say nothing to you, because I cannot support, condone, nor

condemn your relationship with your wife. I am sometimes ENVIOUS of

you, as you are sometime ENVIOUS of my lifestyle --- no kids, no

cares, a free spirit.

 

You have no idea.

 

Now, I've fallin in love with you. I've been in love with you for

two years now, buddy. The real deal, the I think of you ever night

and can't masturbate with out you as my fantasy gee I wonder if we'll

get together this weekend to watch football or maybe just talk on the

phone for a few minutes kinda love.

 

I love you.

 

I'm afraid to say this to you. I never do. We're five years into a

relationship that neither of us talks about, but each of us thinks

about every day. The sex is great. The friendship is great. I like

your wife too, she's a neat lady. Your kids are very smart.

You have a beautiful home, you like footbal, and hell, ya even do

yer own lawn work. You're tall, very good looking, very fit for a

55+ year old man, laugh easily, and your somewhat-ecentric handlebar

moustache looks terrific on you, especially when you "cowboy up " for

a couple of drinks at the bar, or when you're out to dinner with your

wife. And sometimes me.

 

We have the best sex ever, five years into this relationship on

Saturday. You let me be very sensual with you, let me hold you after

you came, even though I didn't (I don't need to all the time, you

know that my pleasure is in yours, bud). You let me kiss you, taste

your skin, you reminded me I'm your lover. Unspoken, but your body

language, your caresses, your holding me... thank you, bud.

 

Heading home that evening, you stop by for Pizza becuase your kids,

grandkids, and in laws are all over at your house for the weekend.

I'm not invited, but, would have declined anyway. That's your family

bud. Enjoy.

 

You have... what you tell me is a heart attack... on the way back

from pizza. You quickly make a pact with your god... "Let me live,

and I'll stop the infidelity with my wife"... You have a warm,

peaceful feeling come over you and the pain, the sweating, the

shortness of breath, all stops.

 

You go home, have pizza, and go to bed.

 

The next morning, you come over to my house about 11:00 am becuase

you're going to help me replace a water heater that sprung a leak on

Friday, and hang out for a while.

 

Damn bud, I really enjoy your time. We laugh and talk about all

sorts of ****; we know sex isn't going to happen today because that's

not what the day is about... just hanging out with my best buddy,

being productive, doing things, enjoying each others company.

 

Yes, well, the 12 pack *is* getting toward empty, but we've been

working around my house and yard for about 6 hours now, so no

biggie.

 

We're done, it's getting dark, almost time for you to head home. You

told your wife you'd be home by 7. It's 6:30pm.

 

You said earlier in the afternoon, after I commented that "I'm so

glad you and I are friends, I really enjoy time with you buddy".

Your reply was, "and after today, we're going to be even better

friends". I don't show you that I'm just a tiny bit concerned about

that phrase out of you, because it's out of character, out of

context... and I know you well enough to know something is on your

mind.

 

At 6:35pm, you sit down with your beer to say, "There's something

I've been trying to tell you for the last 4 hours". I

respond: "Please, not now, not tonight"... You: "No, no, hear me

out, it's not what you think".

 

Of course it is.

 

You've sacraficed me to your God, no more sex, no more best buddies,

no more... you and me. And what am I supposed to say? "Good, glad

you didn't die, but what about me"?

 

I have no position to say anything. I'm the other man. Im' not

married to you. I'm just your lover, of five years, the one man in

your life that you will probably ever be able to enjoy this part of

your life with. I know you've had sex with other men through the

years, but you've never met anyone like me; I'm stable, I don't want

you to leave your wife, I don't expect you to move in with me... I

don't want you to hurt... I'll hurt for you... but I do hurt.

 

You're leaving me. And I have nothing to say except. If that's what

you want, if that's what you need, if that's what god said to you...

okay...

 

Now I'll tell you.

I love you.

I love you.

 

It's not gonna help right now. Maybe I'm scaring you even worse.

But I have to tell you. That I love you. Not the buddy love we've

hugged with over the years... I LOVE YOU. Heart and soul, guts and

moles, I love you.

 

You tell me you know. And that you love me... and then you kiss

me ... long, deeply, passionatley... and we don't EVER do that

because you told me early on , "that really doesn't to anything for

me".

 

Oh gawd, I think I'm dying.

 

I'm a man damnit, not a ****ing faggot, a sissy, a lala, or all those

other demasculating labels people put on guys that have sex with

men. They don't understand. I'm a man. and I'm in love with you.

And you're a man too. But I feel like a pussy fairy cause all I want

to do is cry at your feet.

 

I'm your lover. Your best buddy... the man the MAN in this world

that LOVES YOU.

 

I let you leave and go out the door without too much emotion on my

part. I don't cry. I try to talk a little bit about it with you to

see if you're sure, or... or... I so want to beg you, drop to my

knees, cry on your lap, beg you, please, no, don't take yourself out

of my life... please...

 

But I don't. You wouldn't like that; it might make you

uncomfortable. Worse than me telling you I love you, just moments

ago.

 

I hurt, I agonize, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can hardly get out

of bed. I will though, it will be okay, I'm a Man for gods sake, get

it the **** together and cowboy up, bud. I know I'll be seeing ya

again, it's a small town and we have too many friends together,

through work and play, and I can't let em know anythings differnt.

Everyone knows we're best buds, through thick and thin, can't let the

world see something differnt this weekend at our favorite watering

hole.

 

And, we don't need yer wife asking, "Whats the matter with Dan? Is

something wrong?"

 

For your sake. I'll do it for your sake.

 

But buddy, You're worth it. I don't regret a moment with you. I'll

learn to live again with the new moments I'll have by you.. .not with

you. by you.

 

Do you hurt too?

 

WHY?!

Why.

why.

[dyermaker]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Nevertheless, your homosexuality doesn't make your situation any different. It makes it more interesting to read, in a Holywood kinda way, as you mentioned--but it doesn't change things. The man you love is married, and even though it feels good, and it may be true love--what you've been doing was wrong. Wrongdoings can go off without a hitch for years, until someone gets a bit of conscience. I'm sorry that it wasn't you, and I'll pray for your recovery.

[moimeme]

Boy, what a tough situation.

 

I was married to someone who realized he was gay after several years of marriage. Had he been bi, as it seems your lover is, I do believe I would have entertained the possibility of setting up an arrangement such as yours.

 

I don't suppose his wife would ever be ok with any of this? It just seems to me that your friend will have a very hard time staying away from gay sex since he's had other men besides you. In which case, you'd be the best option, really; much better than him cruising parks or video shops or whatever.

 

I don't see this sort of situation as easily qualifiable as a standard infidelity; it's a whole other class of issue.

I know there will be some very strong opinions on this one; it's just to me, a man having an affair with another woman is magnitudes of difference from a man having an affair with another man.

[cdn]

what a tough situation.

 

I don't suppose his wife would ever be ok with any of this?

 

I don't see this sort of situation as easily qualifiable as a standard infidelity; it's a whole other class of issue.

 

Just what class of issue is it? And since when does the fact that someone is gay or bi mean that he or she has some prerogative to cheat?

 

Aside from the obvious issue of hypocricy, this strkes me as incredibly demeaning toward those who are gay or bi. Are you suggesting that they are somehow lacking the ability to be faithful or to honor their vows?

[jester]

it's just to me, a man having an affair with another woman is magnitudes of difference from a man having an affair with another man.

 

"Magnitudes of difference" for whom? Certainly not the innocent wife. I can hear her saying to her Gay/bi husband, "Darling , if you want to f**k that cute young guy in the park, go ahead. But I better not hear that you're doing anything with that hussy at work!"

 

So sexual orientation matters: Being Gay or bi is a license to cheat.

 

How special!

[moimeme]

Just what class of issue is it?

 

I don't even know

 

And since when does the fact that someone is gay or bi mean that he or she has some prerogative to cheat?

 

Aside from the obvious issue of hypocricy, this strkes me as incredibly demeaning toward those who are gay or bi. Are you suggesting that they are somehow lacking the ability to be faithful or to honor their vows?

 

So sexual orientation matters: Being Gay or bi is a license to cheat.

 

No, no, and no.

 

To me, the crime in having an affair is the theft of affections; the love and intimacy which belong to the spouse are given to someone else. In the case of someone gay or even bi, the lover doesn't supplant the partner emotionally. IMHO, anyway, that makes all the difference.

[cdn]

In the case of someone gay or even bi, the lover doesn't supplant the partner emotionally.

 

So it's just emotionless f**king? I don't think so.

 

Being bi doesn't mean that you have a two-way switch sexually but just a one-way switch emotionally, does it? This seems to be what you are saying.

[moimeme]

Being bi doesn't mean that you have a two-way switch sexually but just a one-way switch emotionally, does it?

 

No. It just seems as though there's a different quality to it.

[SoleMate]

It's a beautiful story. Actually, it would make a good movie. And I am very sorry for your loss.

[cdn]

Being bi doesn't mean that you have a two-way switch sexually but just a one-way switch emotionally, does it?

 

No. It just seems as though there's a different quality to it.

 

I still can't follow your line of thought.

 

As I read the original poster's message, it seems quite clear that he and his OM did have a strong emotional connection; it was not just gratuitous copulation. And unless we are to believe that the OM's wife knew all along that she was not his one and only emotional partner, then I don't see how this affair is any less of a betrayal to her than if her husband was carrying on with a woman from the office. Less typical, perhaps, but no less taudry or immoral or whatever it would be classified as had this post come from an OW rather than OM.

 

I sense that people (not necessarily but possibly you too) find some mystique in same-sex sex. As though that compulsion is stronger or more deserving of pursuit. And I also sense that some people are relieved when a spouse's infidelity occurs with someone of the same sex. Almost as if this makes it more or less inevitable and therefore nothing they contributed to.

 

But it seems to me that marriage vows are about forsaking all others and that to do otherwise is bound to bring betrayal and pain all around. I don't think the sexual orientation of the affair participants has any bearing on the sanctity of their vows.

[moimeme]

It's my own feeling about it. I can't necessarily defend it logically. I was not threatened or distressed by the fact my ex was gay and I could consider letting a bi husband have a male companion. It's just that because women and men are different, to me loving a woman is different from loving a man so loving two women detracts from each relationship where loving a man and a woman would not. I can't really clarify it more than that.

[jenny2]

you may want to familiarise yourself with screenplay protocol. the second person is systematically eschewed for good reason. you obviously have talent, but the pretencion flabs grotesquely over the equator of the story; it's not conducive to identification. seriously, trim back the masturbatory lyricism and *then* send it in; it's quite brilliant.

 

we will have known you 'when', baby. it's so good; just change the voice and try it on a less burbanite audience.

[cdn]

to me loving a woman is different from loving a man so loving two women detracts from each relationship where loving a man and a woman would not.

 

Ok, I understand what you are saying. BUT... don't you think that the only reason you feel that loving a woman is different from loving a man is because, for you (I think - I don't claim to know your sexuality and mean no offense if I've got it wrong) you are capable of romantic and/or erotic love only with men? In other words, you are not capable of the same type of love for both men and women. But presumably, people who are bi, are capable of just that.

 

Maybe I don't understand what being bi is.

[moimeme]

Could be. Yep, I'm straight. I think it would be great to hear from some bi folks to see how this works for them emotionally.