a cheating mm can't give you closure. There is nothing he can say that will give that

[angie2443]

I quoted this from Lady Grey. I don't know if that's allowed. Anyways, these words really hit me hard. I know they're true. The question, for many I think, is how to get closure? How do you get closure from a situation in which hurt you, intended or not, when they won't give you closure?

 

I typed in quotation marks, but they won't come up in the title for some reason.

[mercy]

I too thought the words were awesome though you forgot to post the most important thing she wrote, " it comes from within". Not any outside source. Beautiful words. We give ourselves what others can't or won't.

[Silly_Girl]

How we behave, process and come to terms with things is how we achieve inner peace.

 

You can see brave, impressive, confident people who come from the worst of home, victims of abuse etc, who as people have so much more to offer the world than others who are petty and paint themselves as victims but who haven't coped with anywhere near so much. What happens to us affects us, but how we grow from that is in our hands. Closure and being at peace with an outcome can never come from someone else, whether it's a married man or not. It takes time and effort.

[SoMovinOn]

I've learned, the hard way, from actual experience, that a single person can't give you closure some times either.

 

When I dated my GF decades ago, I did a lot of really stupid things which hurt her badly and left some very permanent scars. When we got back together, I could tell she hoped I could give her some good reasons for why I did what I did. She was hoping I could tell her something that made sense and made it all OK somehow. Although I did the best I could at trying to remember everything and try to help her understand what was going on in my head, most of it was just bad choices, being young and dumb ... I had to tell her it would never ever make sense, it would never be OK.

 

I really dislike the whole overuse of the word closure. It assumes there is some way to make things make sense. The truth is, sometimes life just sucks, sometimes bad things happen that don't make sense. Sometimes people make bad choices and/or do dumb things ... and accepting those realities is all the "closure" one can get.

[FightClub]

I've learned, the hard way, from actual experience, that a single person can't give you closure some times either.

 

When I dated my GF decades ago, I did a lot of really stupid things which hurt her badly and left some very permanent scars. When we got back together, I could tell she hoped I could give her some good reasons for why I did what I did. She was hoping I could tell her something that made sense and made it all OK somehow. Although I did the best I could at trying to remember everything and try to help her understand what was going on in my head, most of it was just bad choices, being young and dumb ... I had to tell her it would never ever make sense, it would never be OK.

 

I really dislike the whole overuse of the word closure. It assumes there is some way to make things make sense. The truth is, sometimes life just sucks, sometimes bad things happen that don't make sense. Sometimes people make bad choices and/or do dumb things ... and accepting those realities is all the "closure" one can get.

 

 

I completely agree with this.

 

In two experiences where I had initially wanted closure from both an ex-girl friend and exMW, I can now see in retrospect that they could no tprovide closure because they themselves are only human, the choices, experiences, feelings and everything in-between in that moment in time happened, poor choices, poor decisions and a broken friendship/relationship that goes nowhere.

 

Choices. It always comes down to that word in the end, we have a choice to either accept things and resign ourselves to mediocre or we move forward and find the closure within ourselves.

 

To quotes Liam Neeson from 'The Grey',

" Once more into the fray.

Into the last good fight I'll ever know.

Live and die on this day.

Live and die on this day. "

 

 

In other words, we can go back to that pain and keep reliving it or we can take a stand today and fight for something with all our heart; the path that we have to ultimately keep fighting for. A life full of healthy choices for our well-being and happiness is purest form of closure we'll ever know.

 

-FC

Edited July 2, 2012 by FightClub

[angie2443]

I too thought the words were awesome though you forgot to post the most important thing she wrote, " it comes from within". Not any outside source. Beautiful words. We give ourselves what others can't or won't.

 

Yes, beautiful words. I think, obviously, if a relationship caused you pain (doesn't have to be an affair type relationship) and the other person won't give you any closure, than you do have to give it to yourself. This is far more easiar said than done. What I wonder about, is what is that process. is it like a grief process, where you go into shock, disbelief, anger, and so on? Are there ways to move the process along. Does analyzing the relationship help? I think there must be many people in pain over broken relationships because they don't know how to give themselves closure. I'm wondering if anyone here who has given themselves this closure, can elaborate on the process they went through.

[Flabbergaster]

Closure is what you choose it to be.

I wanted better closure with xOW until I finally realized...there was no way I would find closure. My desire for closure was a veiled desire to try to have / regain contact with her. There was no closure for the pain i had, none for the pain she had. What could either of us say about the pain and the end of the A that would make it better?!

One day I told myself, "it didn't work and it's painful...that's going to be what I call closure."

Forgive yourself, forgive him (or don't), and start moving forward. No it's not as easy as it sounds.

Stay strong, stay in NC, get through the grief. Shouting might help