What Kind of Relationship am I in, and where's this heading???

[friendship]

Ok.. I guess I have a decent body and face like a 6 ... maybe. I don't have a confidence problem, I turned a whole lot of men down and walked away from many opportunities. Truth is, I like being single, and I enjoy my independence, and every time I got involved with a guy... it was a mistake I ended up regretting. Sometimes I feel like a b* because I've not given the so-called "nice guys" a chance, you know, its like they go psycho crazy control freak or something after awhile? Looks wise, I can hold my own... and it takes a special kind of man to turn me on... I'm nothing so extraordinary, but I consider myself intelligent... usually get picked over because I don't try to be the star attention.. thought about boob surgery and facial reconstruction... and might go that route in the future, no hooting and hollering, you know? Modest, average, and I don't try to bring attention to myself. If I set out to get a guy... I can get him. Just a matter of not caving into emotions, you know?

 

But I stepped out of the norm one evening... I was getting even with a loser boyfriend that was a psycho-jerk and emotionaly abusive, and my confidence levels tell me I can have any guy if I just set my mind to it. And it is so out of the norm for me; I normally invite meetups with the dorkier guys -- like that ever amounted to anything at all... they spaz out, whether its living with their mother, to they're irresponsible, bipolar, or just a small pecker in the bush... so I step out of the norm, months ago, I go online and singled out this gorgeous super-hot babe of a man, he's younger than I am, virile, oh so whoa ... he's fine, you get the picture. Anyways...very strategically, I invited him to my house, and like... I wasn't afraid of him. I've done the game thing in my life, and well dont get me wrong -- I'm not normally wanting to play games with people because its wrong, you know, but some men ask for it. And I was fed up with the psycho bf's insults trying to make me insecure and his other immaturity issues. So I step out of the norm, and go for the BEST LOOKING STUD I could find online. Totally not my type. You know? Well, we were just doing some mild foreplay n stuff, like touching n feeling, and massaging, and my guy gets really shy and tells me "he's happy with what we were doing, enjoying himself, but there's a problem..." he says...

 

PROBLEM??

 

I was thinking "Here comes the bomb. He's gonna tell me he's not interested in me sexually cos I'm too ugly or something," but no, he tells me he's got genital warts.

 

Can't explain it guys. Just this feeling... like you can't judge the outside by what you see coming from the inside. He's so sweet, like sugar and -- I expected a sweet guy like that, well, he'd have to be ugly to be that humble and a darling of a man.

 

I couldn't resist. I slept with him on the first night. I mean, I was suppose to be playing him and invited him to my house was going to get Mr. Studly all worked up for nothing and tell him to leave, and then turn around to my abusive so-called boyfriend, and have that "smirk" on my face, like well darling, I know something I did behind your back... and you don't have a clue.

 

But I ended up having sex with Mr. Gorgeous... and I'm clean, I didn't have anything ... and he used a condom, so I'm still clean, but during the course of the evening, he let me know that maybe it could turn into something, not permanent, -- no, he's wanting to settle with somebody younger, marriage... but I SEE IT AS HIM JUST TALKING... he does that too, he'll say he wants this or that, today, and a couple weeks, or couple months later... his feelings have changed, and that's sort of stressful to me.

He was charming to the last, he left and I'm thinking "I'll never see him again," but he called and thanks me for the wonderful time. Never had a guy do that before... i mean, he was total romance, including a bottle of wine. That all happened last year, around late Autumn. We continued talking by email, but he'd made it clear he was seeing other women.

 

He grew distant, which peaved me... he was so attentive. I gave him the curse treatment, and quit writing him. I got busy with work and lost track of the days and weeks, and then 2 months later tried to email him, and my email bounced. There I was, 3 a.m., calling and asking if he was okay, and how his life worked out. I couldn't find him online. I apologized for the way things left off, I really cared, and missed him and hoped he was okay and would love to hear from him???

 

Well, I weren't going to chase him either. I waited almost 24 hours, and the phone rings. It was my darling beautiful... and he was feeling me out, if I were seeing anyone, and he tells me the girl he was with, he's not really so excited and interested in sex with her anymore... and thus began days on end of hot sexxual discussions, and ....

 

well, he says he doesn't know where things are going with her, and even remarked he wanted her to move. She started calling him her boyfriend, and he didn't seem comfortable with it. Like, he wants his freedom... and I respect that. I don't see myself as a weakling or a pushover exactly, but I got real feelings for this guy... like friends, or something. I made it clear that I know he's got a weakness for women... and I just dont take it serious like he does (he gets wrapped up in the moment) -- like meets somebody, and enamored, but its fizzled out in a few weeks or months, and I'm the kind of person that don't usually get overly-excited but will stick it out with a select few friends, over a very long time.

 

I don't know where this *whatever it is* is headed. Is it even a friends with benefit thing or cheating (because he TOLD ME he's with that other girl) -- and, aw heck, I don't know what to think of the mess I've got myself in. I dumped my other b/f months ago... don't even think about him anymore, except that he needs to stay off my property. But I've thought about this beautiful guy every day since we met.

 

I'd appreciate any insights and helpful advice... I don't know what kind of relationship it is, I don't know where its going, I don't know what to feel or think... and more worrisome, wth is HE thinking?? I mean, since he called me back -- he's had some financial strains, and went out and got texting added to his phone and they can be expensive, but I know he did it for me. So, I turned around and bought him a phone with unlimited web, phone and texting, and told him "anytime" and heck, he can call other women, I don't care... (because, hmmm, I guess I really don't... a woman can't force a guy to feel something if they don't you know)... just want to be his friend, and he is special to me... and nearly every day, we're texting and keeping in touch, but he's standoffish in some ways. Leery... he's going through a divorce too.

 

I gotta watch out for my own interests too I guess is what I'm saying, and don't want to end up making a bad mistake I'll regret.

 

Scheez, I am not sexually promiscuous, I'm conservative, and don't sleep around. I take care of my body. I never had anything like genital warts, herpes or AIDS.... and never thought in a million years I'd acquaint anyone with the condition.

He took precautions to protect me, and was honest about it.

 

He tells me he's with another girl, but not serious about her. He texts every day while he's at work, sometimes for hours. He's sent a load of risque photos which I like...

 

but I'm worried he might get the wrong idea too... an impression like I'm like that with all the guys and I'm certainly not. I feel things for this guy, that I never felt toward others... the guy is so hot, virile, a sexy stud of a man, and so sweet and charming. How could I NOT feel this level of excitement for his tenderness, passion, intense sexual prowess? He assured me he doesn't think I'm a slut... but he does keep saying (words) this isn't forever, but his behavior tells me a very different story (actions).

 

If it were to be over, why didn't it end last December? when we were arguing by email. Our communication picked right back up where we left off, when I called in a panic worried about him, and apologizing. As soon as I called, he was excited to hear from me and phoned back, and spent days trying to woo me via telephone.

 

WHAT should I think???

 

Sometimes people say they want this thing (marriage, settling down) or that (3.5 kids and white picket fence) but what their actions demonstrate is a desire to be free, detached and independent.

[Fitz]

-- he's had some financial strains, and went out and got texting added to his phone and they can be expensive, but I know he did it for me. So, I turned around and bought him a phone with unlimited web, phone and texting, and told him "anytime" and heck, he can call other women, I don't care...

If he's not your husband (obviously) and if you aren't his "one and only", then I wouldn't be paying for his phone. It makes you look weak, desperate, and inferior to the other women he's dating/sexing. Unless your name is "J.Lo" or "Madonna," throwing cash on a man (who isn't all yours) is not a smart move.

 

Furthermore, how do you know he got texting for you (and only you)? He got texting so he could communicate with ALL of his women. Not just you.

 

He assured me he doesn't think I'm a slut... but he does keep saying (words) this isn't forever, but his behavior tells me a very different story (actions).

No, actually it's your own brain telling you the different story. He is NOT going to settle down with you. HE SAID SO HIMSELF! It can't be anymore obvious than that! However, he still enjoys "romantic relations" - for right now... Yet, you are clearly in denial about the future of this relationship. You are trying to reinterpret him in order to rationalize your own romantic hopes and dreams.

 

Furthermore, of course he isn't going to label you a "slut". Just like when a woman asks "do these jeans make me look fat?" -no man (who wants to have sex with that woman) is ever going to answer the question in a negative way. FYI I'm not calling anyone a slut here. I'm just saying that such a query in this context will never be answered truthfully. So you shouldn't hang your hat on it. In other words, it has no deeper meaning.

 

If it were to be over, why didn't it end last December? when we were arguing by email. Our communication picked right back up where we left off, when I called in a panic worried about him, and apologizing. As soon as I called, he was excited to hear from me and phoned back, and spent days trying to woo me via telephone.

 

WHAT should I think???

To put it bluntly (using a restaurant metaphor): You are McDonalds. And when sexy man's stomach growls, he turns to you because you are tasty and convenient. You fill a (emotional/sexual) need in a satisfying way. And who would turn down french fries and a 6-piece chicken nuggets?

 

But he also likes eating at Arby's, Burger King, and Wendy's (in other words being romantic/sexual with women other than you). And he isn't willing to give up those other (women) fast food chains in order to commit exclusively to McDonalds (you) even though the food is enjoyable and fills a need.

 

Meanwhile, what he's truly searching for is a 5-star restaurant. And you have to realize that this doesn't mean he has to stop eating at McDonalds or Burger King or Wendy's...

 

p.s. This article has some things that kind of relate to your situation:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-open-to-intepretation-why-healthy-relationships-happiness-have-no-place-for-ambiguity/

Edited June 18, 2012 by Fitz

[alexandria35]

You mentioned a couple of times about how strong and confident you are but then you say this:

 

But I stepped out of the norm one evening... I was getting even with a loser boyfriend that was a psycho-jerk and emotionaly abusive, and my confidence levels tell me I can have any guy if I just set my mind to it.

 

and this

 

I mean, I was suppose to be playing him and invited him to my house was going to get Mr. Studly all worked up for nothing and tell him to leave, and then turn around to my abusive so-called boyfriend, and have that "smirk" on my face, like well darling, I know something I did behind your back... and you don't have a clue.

 

And those two statements don't sound like something a confident woman would do. A truly strong confident woman would simply walk away from an abusive relationship, not play some weird childish manipulative game of tit for tat. This makes you sound extremely young and immature, yet you mentioned that the guy said he wants someone younger than you for marriage which makes me think your not all that young. Perhaps you should work on becoming a truly confident woman instead of just yelling it from the rooftops.

 

and he tells me the girl he was with, he's not really so excited and interested in sex with her anymore... and thus began days on end of hot sexxual discussions, and ....

 

well, he says he doesn't know where things are going with her, and even remarked he wanted her to move. She started calling him her boyfriend, and he didn't seem comfortable with it. Like, he wants his freedom

 

This guy isn't married to this girl, she doesn't have his children, and there is nothing forcing him to be with her. He obviously had no problem walking from you (until you called him and apologized to him for his poor treatment of you) so if he really didn't like this other girl he would have no problem walking away from her either. He probably tells her much the same things he tells you and he figures since both of you are still willing to stroke his ego and put out why not keep it going. His figures his hands are clean and his conscience is clear because he was told about the other woman, he told he doesn't see anything serious with you and he told you this isn't forever. The moment you try to push him for any kind of exclusivity he will turn it back on you and remind you that you agreed to be a no strings attached booty call.

 

You have selective listening skills. When this guy tells you he doesn't like sex with his girlfriend, when he tells you he doesn't think you are a slut, you believe those things like they are the gospel truth. When he tells you he doesn't see a serious relationship with you and that he doesn't plan on staying with you forever, suddenly you don't believe him. Does this guy even date you? I mean besides phone calls, texting and sending you nude photos, when you get together does he actually take you out? Do you two sometimes spend the whole day together doing things that couples do? Like shopping, going for a walk, having dinner and a movie out? Because if he is not doing these things with you and the only time you see him in person revolves around sex, you can rest assured that this guy is never going to fall in love with you and call you his girlfriend. NEVER. He has put you into his f**kbuddy category and you will not be reclassified later.

 

All you keep telling us about this guy is that he's good looking and charming. Those are shallow meaninless qualities that say nothing about his character or principles and the fact that you are so smitten by these things sounds shallow on your part.

 

Agree with fitz that you shouldn't be paying for this guys phone or anything else. He is using you for a good time and any other benefits your willing to give him. You gave him a phone, told him to call you "anytime" and let him know that he is free to call any other women he wants too. I suppose you think that makes you sound cool and laid back. You say you can't force someone to feel something they don't feel. I agree with you but this isn't about feelings, it's about respect. I would never tell a guy that I'm hoping to have an exclusive relationship with that they can call all the women they want and gee I'll even pay for the phone you use to call those women.

 

Lastly you might want to read up on genital warts and find out if condoms are actually sufficient protection. I'm not sure but I thought gential warts can be passed by skin to skin contact. So if he wears a condom but he has warts on his scrotum and his scrotum touches your genitals during sex you are at risk. Genital warts are caused by HPV and not everyone who catches HPV gets warts so there are lots of people with the virus who have no idea that they have been infected and if warts do appear they are sometimes in places where they can't be easily spotted, such as on the woman's cervix or anus. So perhaps you should ask your doctor to test you for HPV.

[friendship]

If he's not your husband (obviously) and if you aren't his "one and only", then I wouldn't be paying for his phone.

 

I like the power I have over a man. I would've took offense if he turned me down when offered.

 

It makes you look weak, desperate, and inferior to the other women he's dating/sexing.

 

He's shacking up. I'm not sleeping with him. I imparted eternal love to him, but have established my boundaries. I'm not having sex with him and couldn't bring myself to it, even if I tried. The thing here is, I enjoy his company. I can game... but its a rotten way to go about things with men or women.

 

Furthermore, how do you know he got texting for you (and only you)? He got texting so he could communicate with ALL of his women. Not just you.

 

I'm positive. He was broke but wouldn't admit it. He's working and paying for a divorce. The happiness in his voice, and the fact he spent nearly every moment on his little prepaid phone told me a lot. He alluded to it, I figured out the rest. He was so broke, he had to say, "I'll call you in a couple weeks." I knew he would remember. It was a money issue, I remember this from the past. On the dot, the phone chimed. He was texting. He'd told me in the past he doesn't like internet (our original arguments were from miscommunication thru emails and for that, I apologized, of course). He didn't use text either. But he'd invested money in the texts. And I do, I *enjoyed* being able to help him out in a tight spot... as friends. Having sex is a whole lot stickier. We did have sex, last year. This year, I've kept a distance and so has he. He told me up front about that woman in his life.. and yes, I remember her. But I ENCOURAGE HIM to make his own choices. Far be it from me, to act like a jealous controlling hack.

 

But ladies, and I do appreciate it truly that you've responded and voiced opinion, I don't need a man to be my provider. I prefer casual relationships (more about deep friendships) that are open and honest. I told him more recently, that I just can't bring myself to have physical contact with him, until she's out of his house.

 

She pulled the old "My room-mates and I had an argument, can i move in with you?" He's soft and let her move in. No, I'm not going to interfere, it's HIS LIFE, not my life. I will go on, life will go on, and I don't believe he's consigned me to any category. The friendship category is what matters most to me. Being a friend, via phone, and there to listen to him and support him... I've expressed hope to him on many occasions he can see his daughter more. I told him to use the phone to call his daughter. I didn't want to pry in his business.

 

When he finds himself in a bind one day, he'll know that he can trust in me... and not other women. His eternal friend.

 

 

No, actually it's your own brain telling you the different story. He is NOT going to settle down with you. HE SAID SO HIMSELF! It can't be anymore obvious than that!

 

I have no interest in settling down with him. I have no desire to marry again. This guy showers me with attentive passion... and reallly steamy.

 

I missed that in my past relationships.

 

That's all that matters to me.

 

We're not having sex. He fulfils an emotional need that I never got in marriage or any past relationship. When he has time, he floods my inbox with passions and desire. He has several pet names for me, which simply tickles my fascination. I'm enjoying it.

 

However, he still enjoys "romantic relations" - for right now... Yet, you are clearly in denial about the future of this relationship. You are trying to reinterpret him in order to rationalize your own romantic hopes and dreams.

 

I know the situation. He is with one other woman and if he respected her, then why is he talking to me? He is not having sex with me -- he's using the woman that forced herself in on him, by inventing a lame excuse to play on his sympathies and move in. But he's telling me, he wants her to move and he's working on getting rid of her... so, he's banging her, but talking to me. I don't know what to make of it. I thought the woman a man invests his emotional energy in is where his heart is.

 

Meanwhile, what he's truly searching for is a 5-star restaurant. And you have to realize that this doesn't mean he has to stop eating at McDonalds or Burger King or Wendy's...

 

A friend that's for life, is that five star restaurant.

 

I don't judge him. He let the chick he's been banging on and off move in. And all he's ever told me of her, he's not that serious about her. He told me he's been losing interest, especially when she took it from "casual sex" to calling him her "boyfriend". He did not like that. After which, he told me he got rid of her, but she comes back with a vengeance, "My room-mates and I got into an argument... yada, and yes..." so he let her move in until she can find a place. Nice, for an emotionally unstable, financially dependent brat. IN HIS FINANCIAL situation, broke and paying for a divorce I applaud him, ha ha ha, he's going to love that. So I encourage him to do whatever it is, he wants to do. He'll get so sick of it, he'll help her to move... but, *smile* its like, so not my business.

 

Time... time will tell.

Edited June 18, 2012 by friendship

[alexandria35]

Wow! Now you have really confused me. You are not having sex with him, you don't want to be his girlfriend, you don't have have any expectations at all. This is what you say but then I wonder why you went to the bother of even starting this thread, because if everything you say about this is true, then it sounds like you are getting exactly what you want and you should be blissfully happy and unconcerned. Yet your initial post on this thread sounds full of angst and wondering what it all means and where will it end up and what is he thinking and why does he do this and that.

 

You think paying for his phone gives you power over him. I get this to a certain extent. If you're the one with the money, if you're the one giving support, if you're the one who is indepenant and without expectations then you think he needs you more than you need him. You are mistaken in this. YOU are the ONE who has developed feelings which right there gives him more power over you than you have over him. And from the way you described the situation

I feel things for this guy, that I never felt toward others... the guy is so hot, virile, a sexy stud of a man, and so sweet and charming. How could I NOT feel this level of excitement for his tenderness, passion, intense sexual prowess?

...here you make yourself sound quite powerless, like there is no way you can help yourself and no way you can stop, so I think he has the power, not you.

 

In any case your first post and second post on this thread are full of contradictions. In your first post you wonder if this is just a friends with benefits situation and worry that he might think you are just a slut. If you are not having sex with him then I don't understand these worries. Why on earth would he think you're a slut when you don't even have sex with him and the term friends with benefits means friends who have sex with each other. I'm sure you know this and I think you're relationship with does include sex or you wouldn't have mentioned these things.

 

He is not powerless to get rid of his gf. She forced the relationship on him? What is he? A man or a helpless wimp? I doubt that he loves her but he is getting benefits from that relationship and that is why he doesn't end it. Just like he is getting benefits from his relationship with you. He doesn't love either one of you but why would he end either relationship when he's the one getting all the benefits?

 

When he finds himself in a bind one day, he'll know that he can trust in me... and not other women. His eternal friend

 

The above reads like you plan to take whatever you can get from him for as long it takes him to realize that you're the best woman ever. How did arrive at this conclusion that you and only you can be trusted? I know lots of trustworthy women. I'm a trustworthy woman. He meets trustworthy women everyday. Being trustworthy doesn't mean accepting less than we deserve and lowering our expectations. How can this man respect you when you are willing to accept so little? He sends you nude photos and calls you pet names and you are thrilled with these tiny minor actions that takes virtually no effort and show no investment in you.

 

Doesn't sound like you need any help or advice though, as according to you, you are happy to get sexual texts and dirty photographs in place of a real boyfriend. If that's all you expect for yourself than have at it and have yourself a blast.

[utterer of lies]

He let the chick he's been banging on and off move in. And all he's ever told me of her, he's not that serious about her. He told me he's been losing interest, especially when she took it from "casual sex" to calling him her "boyfriend". He did not like that. After which, he told me he got rid of her, but she comes back with a vengeance, "My room-mates and I got into an argument... yada, and yes..." so he let her move in until she can find a place. Nice, for an emotionally unstable, financially dependent brat. IN HIS FINANCIAL situation, broke and paying for a divorce I applaud him, ha ha ha, he's going to love that. So I encourage him to do whatever it is, he wants to do. He'll get so sick of it, he'll help her to move... but, *smile* its like, so not my business.

 

Time... time will tell.

 

How can you be so naive?

 

You talk about friendship, but he got expensive presents and sex from you.

 

Of course he tells you that he has no interest in her. Of course he tells you she forced herself onto him. Of course he tells you he's not serious about her.

 

And you tell us it's ok, but you feel the need to denigrate her by calling her

an emotionally unstable, financially dependent brat

and say you enjoy the power you have over men, but all we get from this story is his power over you.

[friendship]

Wow! Now you have really confused me. You are not having sex with him, you don't want to be his girlfriend, you don't have have any expectations at all. This is what you say but then I wonder why you went to the bother of even starting this thread, because if everything you say about this is true, then it sounds like you are getting exactly what you want and you should be blissfully happy and unconcerned. Yet your initial post on this thread sounds full of angst and wondering what it all means

 

No. We are currently NOT having sex. The phone has remained hot for a few weeks now, burning hot... explicit pix and he's very graphic with his desires and fantasies.

 

I come from a background of very conservative religious upbringing where self-exploration and sexual fulfilment in women, is frowned upon. So, my "meter stick" for right and wrong is,

 

Does he make me feel cheap? No...

Does it give me true pleasure? Yes...

Do I feel that I am investing my time into a man that will have a payoff in the end? Well, I think we've got something few do: Friendship.

 

But approaching sex... he's reluctant foremost, because that girl forced her way in, and he can't be honest and tell her the truth... now could he? She'd probably attack him and go berzerk. That's what I despise about "relationships" too. The control... the jealousy... the lack of trust and communication. That's perhaps part of why he's talking with me in the first place instead of her being the person he feels that with. Jesus, as I think back on my two divorces. I was accused of cheating and horrible things, although it was merely projection as the first husband was actually the cheater... I was cured of my man condition.

 

This wonderful guy is emotionally supportive and FLOODS those emotional gaps of desires and longing, I never had fulfilled in my marriages or relationships of the past. At any hour, he's liable to be a text away from a passionate greeting or response... and calls me many different pet-names. He makes me feel valued, special, important.

 

Never felt like this toward anyone. He's late 30's and I'm early 40's...I met him, and he was really a ball of frustration over women, and he is really -- such a nice, sweet-mannered person -- he brought wine (Sentimentally, I have kept that precious bottle in my closet), fond memories of him... his world view; you don't treat people wrong, you don't lie to them, we discuss stuff like that... he never treated me like a whore. After we had sex, he left and the phone rang, and he expressed his gratitude for the wonderful time we had together.

We discuss our moral views, and one of them is not to try to figure out the future and take things as they come and enjoy it while it lasts. That first night.. it was just chemistry. He was just so vulnerable and precious and lay in my arms and confided his pressures, and said perhaps I was all he needed for now. We had sex, and I bonded to him in an unusual way I never felt for anyone. He was laying in my arms, and just spilling his frustrations and i was loving it...

 

Sure, I like to know where things are headed. But he doesn't know and I don't and I was trying to get some clue as to WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP THIS EVEN IS... and where might it be headed? He confided that he doesn't know, he may still be around in 5 years, who knows? Fate changes in the blink of an eye, and sometimes the best intentions can turn out so wrong. And everything has always gone great with him -- the emotional gaps of my life are filled in, he makes me feel so great -- its not physical sex taking place, just a lot of hot, heavy phone sex -- and pleasant, sweet conversation and everything that could ever fulfil my desires... until on occasion, I get to wondering "Is this really right?" because its not about marriage -- and I don't believe he's realllllly wanting that with anyone right now -- when I start thinking about it too much, and nagging, that's when the trouble starts and he backs off. When he gets put under intense pressure, he bolts.

 

That's what I've seen from him too. He's gentle-mannered and tends to draw to people, then pulls away when they begin imposing their will on him. He described the same thing with that girl that moved in and living with him now. He was seeing her on and off over the months (sex, "banging her," and he described her as not serious to him) and then she started spending every night... now, she's maneuvered to move in and living with him. As I told him, in my car, when we met again recently, "My, what a smart girl she is!!!" She's manipulating him obviously, and how long will that last? How long does a guy put up with living around a manipulative shrew that controls his life like a screw, until he bolts?

 

Well, I am his friend. And time will tell. He knows down deep, I'm his *friend* -- I even provided him with a phone in his time of need, where he can have unlimited talk time with me, but his daughter as well... its not such a huge thing, and he'll have a friend to turn to in times of trouble.

 

Ladies, I have another close, personal male friend, that I acquainted and invested some time and money in, -- women normally do not do that -- but my intentions were sincere. The friendship I have had reciprocated from that fellow, has been very rewarding. If I had a tough scrape, he's been there for me, again and again. A friendship which I'll state has lasted for about a decade.

 

So, to me, as a friend -- no strings attached -- no underhanded motives -no tricks and schemes to put a husband on a leash - but founded on friendship, honesty and trust -- I gave the guy a phone. I care about him. I love him. Love is not the same thing as Sex. It was meant as a kind gesture to help him in a tough time. He now has no excuse not to call or text.

 

I think that's the best kind of woman a man can have in their life.

 

He told me he didn't like it that she began staying there all the time, and calling him her "boyfriend".

 

He's a passive guy.. gentle.. that's why it was so easy for her to do some of the things she's done... and likewise, he's put up with my occassional tyrade, and turns right around, and he's still there, listening and sweet as ever. But I haven't tried to force him into anything like a marriage, either. He's talking with me, because he wants to.

 

He's really confused and told me he's getting out of a divorce and just not sure he's ready for a relationship or marriage... and wishes that woman, would move.

 

I enjoy all his deliciously intense, passionate, explicit expressions of how I make him feel and excite him. I have never enjoyed phone sex because I did not enjoy the company of the man who was trying to initiate it... explicit conversations... but he's so "baby like" -- he's younger than me, perhaps its that I just don't take it serious to the point it's "funny"... coming from him, its just fun... passing time... something to kill time... we enjoy each other's company, and can spend HOURS, sexting. Of course, I do back off on occasion and remind him I'm not like that normally... its just him, coming from him... I enjoy it, because of him and who he is. I enjoy his company.

 

There's a feeling deep down inside me for him that TRANSCENDS sex... a nurturing feeling that he gives me, and that I feel toward him.

 

I don't know where its headed. Perhaps a lifetime friendship that's sincere and genuine. Perhaps we will end up with periods where we go our separate ways, with other people, and come back to one another, as meaningful friends. No judgments or expectations -- unconditional acceptance.

[friendship]

he got expensive presents and sex from you.

 

Aw no, I told him that if I had a PMS tantrum, the phone was his. Its not like it was a $400 Android Ipad or something. LOL LOL LOL... just a cheap run of the mill Dollar General model phone.

 

And believe me sister, when people are charging 3.99 per minute for phone sex, and you find a man that KNOWS what he's doing, believe me... I've more than got my money's worth!!!!!!!!

 

Also, I'm a bit of a feminist. I'm not desperate to try to trap a man... I got a lot of options, but that's another story for another day.

He got a cheap phone and he and I made love, and that love is turning into a caring friendship... "He got" "He got"... did I not get something for myself too? His passionate touch, his loving hands, his soft lips, his caress, and his sincerity? Why do women feel they have to put a market value on their genitals? I mean C'mon. There's a lot of men who would marry me... but the ability to passionately make love mind, body, soul? C'mon... it might be once in a lifetime.

 

I received more love from this man's little finger stroking my body than I did from my two ex-husbands.

 

I GOT SOMETHING WONDERFUL, as we held each other tenderly.. I will never forget this guy. NEVER.

[utterer of lies]

I will never forget this guy. NEVER.

 

But he will forget you.

 

Oh well, such is life.

[alexandria35]

Oh man, you are making my head spin. I just can't follow your logic.

 

No. We are currently NOT having sex. The phone has remained hot for a few weeks now, burning hot... explicit pix and he's very graphic with his desires and fantasies.

 

So your relationship is still very sexual and you are still getting him off even though you are not physically having sex.

 

I come from a background of very conservative religious upbringing where self-exploration and sexual fulfilment in women, is frowned upon. So, my "meter stick" for right and wrong is,

 

Does he make me feel cheap? No...

Does it give me true pleasure? Yes...

Do I feel that I am investing my time into a man that will have a payoff in the end? Well, I think we've got something few do: Friendship.

 

But approaching sex... he's reluctant foremost, because that girl forced her way in, and he can't be honest and tell her the truth... now could he? She'd probably attack him and go berzerk. That's what I despise about "relationships" too. The control... the jealousy... the lack of trust and communication. That's perhaps part of why he's talking with me in the first place instead of her being the person he feels that with. Jesus, as I think back on my two divorces. I was accused of cheating and horrible things, although it was merely projection as the first husband was actually the cheater... I was cured of my man condition.

 

I can't follow what point you're trying to make above. He can't tell her the truth because she would go bezerk? Well then he can call the cops and have her physically removed from his property. She didn't force her way in. If this guy in his late 30's doesn't know how to keep people from moving in with him then perhaps he shouldn't be allowed to live independantly. Perhaps he should have some kind of caregiver to keep him safe from strangers. Does she force him to screw her too?

 

I can't follow the second part of the paragraph. I understand that you didn't like being falsely accused of cheating but is it controlling to accuse someone of cheating who is actually cheating? His gf is jealous and lacking in trust but he is actually cheating so she has good reason to lack trust. But since you were falsely accused of cheating now you feel bad for everyone who is accused of this heinous act, even if they are in fact committing said heinous act? Owww....my head hurts.

 

This wonderful guy is emotionally supportive and FLOODS those emotional gaps of desires and longing, I never had fulfilled in my marriages or relationships of the past. At any hour, he's liable to be a text away from a passionate greeting or response... and calls me many different pet-names. He makes me feel valued, special, important.

 

Never felt like this toward anyone. He's late 30's and I'm early 40's...I met him, and he was really a ball of frustration over women, and he is really -- such a nice, sweet-mannered person -- he brought wine (Sentimentally, I have kept that precious bottle in my closet), fond memories of him... his world view; you don't treat people wrong, you don't lie to them, we discuss stuff like that... he never treated me like a whore. After we had sex, he left and the phone rang, and he expressed his gratitude for the wonderful time we had together.

 

The bolded above. How can you say that with a straight face? Don't treat people wrong and don't lie to them. Spoken by a guy who is lying and cheating on his GF. He is a hyprocrite.

 

 

We discuss our moral views, and one of them is not to try to figure out the future and take things as they come and enjoy it while it lasts

 

Is the above a moral view? It sounds more like an attitude or outlook on life. Not a moral.

 

That first night.. it was just chemistry. He was just so vulnerable and precious and lay in my arms and confided his pressures, and said perhaps I was all he needed for now. We had sex, and I bonded to him in an unusual way I never felt for anyone. He was laying in my arms, and just spilling his frustrations and i was loving it...

 

Sure, I like to know where things are headed. But he doesn't know and I don't and I was trying to get some clue as to WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP THIS EVEN IS... and where might it be headed? He confided that he doesn't know, he may still be around in 5 years, who knows? Fate changes in the blink of an eye, and sometimes the best intentions can turn out so wrong. And everything has always gone great with him -- the emotional gaps of my life are filled in, he makes me feel so great -- its not physical sex taking place, just a lot of hot, heavy phone sex -- and pleasant, sweet conversation and everything that could ever fulfil my desires... until on occasion, I get to wondering "Is this really right?" because its not about marriage -- and I don't believe he's realllllly wanting that with anyone right now -- when I start thinking about it too much, and nagging, that's when the trouble starts and he backs off. When he gets put under intense pressure, he bolts.

 

More contradictions. He can't handle pressure and he bolts. But he keeps living with his gf and having sex with her so apparently he doesn't mind her so much, but he certainly has trained you to not put any pressure on him. Everything he says is geared towards making sure you have no expectations of him.

 

That's what I've seen from him too. He's gentle-mannered and tends to draw to people, then pulls away when they begin imposing their will on him. He described the same thing with that girl that moved in and living with him now. He was seeing her on and off over the months (sex, "banging her," and he described her as not serious to him) and then she started spending every night... now, she's maneuvered to move in and living with him. As I told him, in my car, when we met again recently, "My, what a smart girl she is!!!" She's manipulating him obviously, and how long will that last? How long does a guy put up with living around a manipulative shrew that controls his life like a screw, until he bolts?

 

You are playing into his hand. Instead of expecting him to be a man and control his own life, you attack his gf with snide comments of "my what a smart girl she is". As long as he has you blaming her for this situation he doesn't have to worry that you will call him on his own bad behavior. So presenting his gf as this horrible monster works in his favor and I have no doubt that he will play at this game for as long he can get away with it. You are so caught up in competing with his gf that you can't see the forest for the trees. You say she is manipulating him but you can't see how he is manipulating you.

 

Well, I am his friend. And time will tell. He knows down deep, I'm his *friend* -- I even provided him with a phone in his time of need, where he can have unlimited talk time with me, but his daughter as well... its not such a huge thing, and he'll have a friend to turn to in times of trouble.

 

Ladies, I have another close, personal male friend, that I acquainted and invested some time and money in, -- women normally do not do that -- but my intentions were sincere. The friendship I have had reciprocated from that fellow, has been very rewarding. If I had a tough scrape, he's been there for me, again and again. A friendship which I'll state has lasted for about a decade.

 

Lots of women will invest their time and money into a romantic relationship or friendship, but you are correct in that most woman won't invest their time and money into a cheating man. I don't have any problem giving my time and money to a man who has principles and shows respect to others.

 

So, to me, as a friend -- no strings attached -- no underhanded motives -no tricks and schemes to put a husband on a leash - but founded on friendship, honesty and trust -- I gave the guy a phone. I care about him. I love him. Love is not the same thing as Sex. It was meant as a kind gesture to help him in a tough time. He now has no excuse not to call or text.

 

Love is not the same as sex. Wow that's profound. I think we all know that. Getting nude photographs and phone sex is not the same as love either. Try to remember that.

 

I think that's the best kind of woman a man can have in their life.

 

Well it's certainly the best kind of mistress a man can have in their life. You are enabling him and you couldn't make it any easier on him if you tried.

 

He told me he didn't like it that she began staying there all the time, and calling him her "boyfriend".

 

He's a passive guy.. gentle.. that's why it was so easy for her to do some of the things she's done... and likewise, he's put up with my occassional tyrade, and turns right around, and he's still there, listening and sweet as ever. But I haven't tried to force him into anything like a marriage, either. He's talking with me, because he wants to.

 

That's right. The guy makes his own decisions and does the things he wants to do, which would include deciding who he wants to live with. He talks to you because he wants to. He has sex with his gf because he wants to. He has all the power and control he needs.

 

He's really confused and told me he's getting out of a divorce and just not sure he's ready for a relationship or marriage... and wishes that woman, would move.

 

So I take it his gf is never moving because him wishing she would move is not going to make her move.

 

I enjoy all his deliciously intense, passionate, explicit expressions of how I make him feel and excite him. I have never enjoyed phone sex because I did not enjoy the company of the man who was trying to initiate it... explicit conversations... but he's so "baby like" -- he's younger than me, perhaps its that I just don't take it serious to the point it's "funny"... coming from him, its just fun... passing time... something to kill time... we enjoy each other's company, and can spend HOURS, sexting. Of course, I do back off on occasion and remind him I'm not like that normally... its just him, coming from him... I enjoy it, because of him and who he is. I enjoy his company.

 

Yes, you have made it quite clear that you enjoy being sexual with this cheating man.

 

There's a feeling deep down inside me for him that TRANSCENDS sex... a nurturing feeling that he gives me, and that I feel toward him.

 

I don't know where its headed. Perhaps a lifetime friendship that's sincere and genuine. Perhaps we will end up with periods where we go our separate ways, with other people, and come back to one another, as meaningful friends. No judgments or expectations -- unconditional acceptance.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you still feel this way after you spent several years doting on him and waiting for that meanie gf to move out. I hope you still feel that way when the gf moves out and this guy goes out and gets himself yet a new gf because he has never considered you as that person for him.

[alexandria35]

Aw no, I told him that if I had a PMS tantrum, the phone was his. Its not like it was a $400 Android Ipad or something. LOL LOL LOL... just a cheap run of the mill Dollar General model phone.

 

And believe me sister, when people are charging 3.99 per minute for phone sex, and you find a man that KNOWS what he's doing, believe me... I've more than got my money's worth!!!!!!!!

 

Also, I'm a bit of a feminist. I'm not desperate to try to trap a man... I got a lot of options, but that's another story for another day.

He got a cheap phone and he and I made love, and that love is turning into a caring friendship... "He got" "He got"... did I not get something for myself too? His passionate touch, his loving hands, his soft lips, his caress, and his sincerity? Why do women feel they have to put a market value on their genitals? I mean C'mon. There's a lot of men who would marry me... but the ability to passionately make love mind, body, soul? C'mon... it might be once in a lifetime.

 

I received more love from this man's little finger stroking my body than I did from my two ex-husbands.

 

I GOT SOMETHING WONDERFUL, as we held each other tenderly.. I will never forget this guy. NEVER.

 

I think some women are confused about what feminism really is. I have a hard time picturing a true feminist putting up with a cheater or being a mistress. There is something that feels somewhat anti-feminist about accepting a this position in life because it feeds into the mans ego and sense of entitlement. You can't put an pressure on him because he will run away, so you accept that he is going to have you and another woman and you can't even voice your opinion on that for fear that he will dump you. Does that sound feminist to you? I don't put a market value on my genitals. I don't expect anything in return for sex. When I love someone and they love me too then sex is freely given. I have never withheld sex for the purpose of getting something in return. I just have a preferance for having sex with someone who loves and respects me and I would have a hard time feeling loved and respected by someone who is keeping me his thing on the side as well as having a live in gf. Many OW are accepting of this because they feel like it's really hard for a guy to leave a long term marriage with children, extended family, mutual finances, shared histories and friends, which it probably is. However the guy you're talking about doesn't have any of these excuses. There is no reason in the world for him to be living with his gf if he doesn't want to. She doesn't have his children, she can't make him pay alimony, she won't take his friends, he won't miss her family, they don't share a business, she won't turn his children against him, etc etc....So think like a feminist and ask yourself why you accept this. If you honestly feel like your needs are being met this way and that you are being respected and you are happy with the way it is, then so be it. But by reading your posts here I don't think you are happy at all with this arrangement. I think you are hoping and praying that he dumps his gf and you become his one and only and if that's the case you are going to wind up hurt and very disappointed.

[friendship]

You know nothing of her - what she thinks, etc. So to call HER lame, it really is quite funny.

 

Do you know her?

Do you know him?

Do you know me?

 

You know only very limited information I've shared. The judging and condemning is amazing.

 

And the hate I see.... wow, its no wonder some women can't get love and satisfaction from men. Men dont want that level of hostility around them, that's for sure.

 

Now, I'm waiting for my *friend* to text and/or call back... and he will, and we're going to discuss his life, his work, his day and my life/my views/my work/my interests/my love life and his love life ... it occurs to me, that he enjoys talking to me, because I'm not judging and shrill condemning him. I'm a loving person, and yeah, I'm welcoming the communication with a fellow human, who's loving-natured, and maybe that's why he enjoys conversing with me. He's respectful toward everyone. He doesn't wear a lable "Man Ho -- PLEASE HATE ON ME".

 

The hate I'm feeling from this forum... I wouldn't want to talk to it in real life, on a daily basis, male or female. Much less, who would want it in bed with them? I feel safer taking chances with my male friend. At least he's a nice person, a loving person and never has put down women as whores or slut, ridiculing them as stupid for wanting companionship and friendship, he speaks respectfully of women, all the time we've ever talked over the past months. I judge people by their actions.

 

its not him judging and labeling women terrible stereotypes, its coming from women.

 

Never mind. Sorry I posted here.

[alexandria35]

Do you know her?

Do you know him?

Do you know me?

 

You know only very limited information I've shared. The judging and condemning is amazing.

 

And the hate I see.... wow, its no wonder some women can't get love and satisfaction from men. Men dont want that level of hostility around them, that's for sure.

 

Now, I'm waiting for my *friend* to text and/or call back... and he will, and we're going to discuss his life, his work, his day and my life/my views/my work/my interests/my love life and his love life ... it occurs to me, that he enjoys talking to me, because I'm not judging and shrill condemning him. I'm a loving person, and yeah, I'm welcoming the communication with a fellow human, who's loving-natured, and maybe that's why he enjoys conversing with me. He's respectful toward everyone. He doesn't wear a lable "Man Ho -- PLEASE HATE ON ME".

 

The hate I'm feeling from this forum... I wouldn't want to talk to it in real life, on a daily basis, male or female. Much less, who would want it in bed with them? I feel safer taking chances with my male friend. At least he's a nice person, a loving person and never has put down women as whores or slut, ridiculing them as stupid for wanting companionship and friendship, he speaks respectfully of women, all the time we've ever talked over the past months. I judge people by their actions.

 

its not him judging and labeling women terrible stereotypes, its coming from women.

 

Never mind. Sorry I posted here.

 

Friendship I haven't made a single hateful comment to you. Not one. The most hateful comments I have seen on this thread are the comments from you about his gf and about the people who have kindly responded to your thread which I guess would be me since I'm the one who has consistently responded to you.

 

I feel no hate and no anger and I've certainly not called you a whore or slut. Those are your words, not mine. I do believe in women being strong and empowerd and I guess I get a little passionate about that but it's definitely not coming from a place of hositility. For the most part all I have done in my responses is ask you questions about what you're telling us in a futile effort to get you to think about the situation and look at it from a different perspective. You haven't responded to a single question I've asked and now you come up with "you're all just a bunch of haters" LOL...Look, do whatever you want. Trust me I won't be losing any sleep over the fact that this is guy is walking all over you and you think he's a God.

 

You think we're all a bunch of hostile man hating women who men wouldn't want in their beds. I've had few men deeply in love with me and it was a two way street because I was deeply in love with them too and we were in bed together every night. Your man has chosen not to have you in his bed at all, because his gf in his bed. Think about it. I'm not being a hater, I'm simply stating a fact.

 

Good luck to ya. If you are happy with your choices and you're getting what you want out of this then I guess you really don't need anyone elses opinion.

[utterer of lies]

Now, I'm waiting for my *friend* to text and/or call back... and he will, and we're going to discuss his life, his work, his day and my life/my views/my work/my interests/my love life and his love life ... it occurs to me, that he enjoys talking to me, because I'm not judging and shrill condemning him. I'm a loving person, and yeah, I'm welcoming the communication with a fellow human, who's loving-natured, and maybe that's why he enjoys conversing with me. He's respectful toward everyone.

 

Unlike you. You try to insult his gf everytime you write about her.

 

The whole thing seems to me like you simply have a crush on him. But you're old enough to notice some things are off, that's why you built this whole elaborate fantasy around it, where he is the poor prince, with his gf a dragon terrorizing him, forcing herself upon him and ruining his life. But you cannot rescue him. And telling yourself you're just a friend will not make it easier for you once you truly realize that he's just using you.

 

I judge people by their actions.

 

I think not. How do you judge his lying to you about his gf? How you do judge him moving together with his gf?

 

Oh, and why don't you have sex anymore? Was that your or his idea?

 

But anyway, to get back to the topic, you titled this thread with:

 

What Kind of Relationship am I in, and where's this heading???

 

The answers to this are:

 

None - you are not in a relationship with him

 

and Nowhere - is where this is heading.

Edited June 19, 2012 by utterer of lies

[Mme. Chaucer]

Maybe this would be a good "Lifetime" drama?

 

I guess not.