kkat Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Many of you are familiar with my situation from other posts, but I'll summarize it here and apologize for the redundancy for those of you who already know the story-- but I'm going for a different goal now and would appreciate any support I can get. I met a married man over 10 years ago. I didn't want to have an affair with a MM, refused to do so, and he wasn't looking to have an affair either. He fell in love with me, left his wife and children, and started divorce proceedings. We moved in together and lived together for two years - but during that time his guilt and other factors got the better of him - (his wife was devastated and had a breakdown, his children were having problems, etc. and the financial strain was tremendous). Long story short - he never finalized the divorce, which created a big issue between us, I moved out, we stayed "together" for the better part of another year, and then our relationship ended. He went back to his wife, and has remained in his marriage since then. His marriage had major problems before I came in the picture, and after I was out of the picture, but he decided to stay in it. He was the love of my life - and neither of us quit loving each other - but we broke off our relationship completely (other than a phone call here or there maybe once/twice a year) -- and didn't see each other for six-seven years. During that time, I buried myself in work and managed to get over the heartbreak, but never found a new relationship. Over the past year, I have been going through a major depression associated, I think, with feeling lonely, having lost my business after 10 years of being "married" to it, and other factors. In the thick of my depression, he randomly came back into the picture; professed his love for me, said he wanted to be w/ me and would get a divorce, marry me, and have children with me. We started an affair and saw each other every day for months. Then, he did a 180 and said he realized that he couldn't leave his marriage. I was heartbroken, angry, you name it. We quit seeing each other for a while but continued to talk on the phone, and one thing led to another and we've recently started seeing each other again - going to dinner, hanging out, having sex - and talking on the phone alot. We've always gotten along really well - we have alot of common interests and talk about business, politics, etc. - so alot of our conversations are about these things and other conversations are about "our situation". During the weeks that we weren't seeing each other, but talking every day - we fought constantly - every minute of every phone call. It was totally unhealthy. I tried unsuccessfully to break my addiction to him while things were really bad between us. Now, however, it's like things are "good" (I know that's not really true) -- in that we laugh and chat, have a great time when we're together, and I am again getting pleasure from the relationship. So, I've been conflicted over whether or not I should totally end it, or use it as something happy in my life as I try to get my big picture together and fight my depression. My friends all feel that at the end of the day, even a small involvement with him is ultimately going to bring me more pain and keep me from focusing on finding a real relationship. Note that I have given up almost completely on any fantasy that this guy is going to leave his wife for me - and I want very much to find someone to love me, to get married, and even though the clock is ticking and it may be too late for me - to perhaps have a child. This morning, I'm thinking -- why am I doing this? I should break things off with him completely. I want to try again to break away from this. I feel like a failure that I haven't been successful in my previous attempts, but I'd like to try again. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 My friends all feel that at the end of the day, even a small involvement with him is ultimately going to bring me more pain and keep me from focusing on finding a real relationship Keep telling yourself your friends are right. After a few months, like any addiction, it will start to wear off. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Look at your history with this man. It has only brought you heartache. What makes you think it's going to be any different? You definitely need to break away. Ask yourself why you stay is such a situation. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor? There are underlying issues here on why you subject yourself to a relationship like this. In order to break free from it truly, you need to idenify what they are and resolve them. A counselor can definitely help you out with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Don't just look at your history with him. Indeed he has caused you heartbreak. But come clean with yourself. Do you really want him to leave his family? I think you realise that even though they had problems before you came into the picture, in the end you don't want to take a husband away from his wife, and a father from his children. Sorry, but go with your friends. Find someone new, someone who is free to give you what you deserve without a guilty conscience. They're out there. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Even if you got to a point where you felt you could "just be friends", do you think he would be able to do the same? Or would he continue to pressure you for the same sort of emotional attention and for sex? That's the tough part, unless both of you could maintain casual contact, I don't think it would work. Too easy to fall into the same patterns again and in a few months you'd be flogging yourself asking why you put yourself in the same position again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 Thanks for your advice and thoughts. Yes, I have realized I need counseling - and thank you for that suggestion. I actually started in therapy a few months ago while in the thick of things in the relationship, and I am continuing. I am also realizing that this relationship is very much about my lack of self esteem and fears I have in other areas of my life. My heart has been touched by the posts of many people on LS, including Arabess, Skittles, Brashgirl, SoleMate, HurtininVA, and so many others (forgive me for not listing all). But I'm feeling often embarrassed and recently a bit attacked for some things I've posted and I'm just not sure if Ive quite got the skin for it these days. Thank you to all of you and best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Ahhhh kkat, The decision you are making will be the hardest decision you've ever had to make in your life. It's SOOOO hard walking away from someone who you love and who does love you...however long term limited their 'contribution' will ever be in your life. I never have, and never will, understand how someone can love someone SO MUCH and not have the spine to walk away from a marriage they are not happy in. Then again, it's not my place to judge that. There can be a whole set of issues which override their love for you. The acceptance of that is very hard on the heart. No one broke up with you.....but you know you must move on. You can't spend your whole life living a lie and a fantasy. All you end up doing is robbing your own self of any REAL love which will belong just to you. You are walking away from a dream. It's hard to do when someone is still planting images in your head of 'some day, my darling, some day'. All the while YOU KNOW...it's not gonna happen. I chose the route of 'bitterness'.. I'm MAD cause he LIED. Maybe you can find a gentler way out. Not hating him or resenting the fact he stole some precious time from you......but just seeing that he couldn't meet the promises he DID wish he could meet. But he didn't and cant'....... You aren't validated my his promises though. You are validated by being a woman who deserves to be loved by a man who can proudly speak of that love.....even yell it out....to the world. Anything less....is less than real love. I admire you for trying to move on. I am always here if you need to talk about it. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Kkat, what Arabess and others have said is true and with your best interest at heart. Please remember that we are here for you, anytime.... one day you will awaken to a day filled with happiness and everything you deserve in life..but first you must open your hands to let go, let go of all that is bringing you pain and sorrow because in doing so, your hands will be open and available to receive all the joy that life is trying to give you. It's out there waiting for you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Hi I am new to this board and I did read your post with great interest The one thing I think I've learned after having my heart (and innards, it felt like) dragged around and stomped on is that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH That was like a light turning on in my head, when I finally realized that. We are so conditioned to believe that love conquers all, love overcomes all obstacles, love is everything. But it's not. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. So remember,when he calls you again and says, "I love you," just tell him, "Yes, but you can't be there for me. You can't be reliable. You can't be steadfast. You can't be strong. You can't be dependable. You can't be committed. Your version of love does not include those things. Therefore, your love is not enough," Make it your mantra. The more you say it, the truer it will be for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted January 29, 2004 Author Share Posted January 29, 2004 Thanks for the continued support - all of you, and for your words Carlisle. Link to post Share on other sites
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