Serial cheater vs. one time cheater??

[itsourchoice]

I am just curious... what is the difference? I mean, a cheater is a cheater, right? Does it really matter if it is something that they do often, with multiple partners? Or is it somehow better that they were miserable and found someone to give them what they need? Seems to me it would almost be better if the guy/girl was a serial cheater, at least then you know it's all about them and their stuff, and not about you, as the partner... any thoughts on this?

[MissBee]

A serial cheater has a chronic problem.

 

A one time cheater, it is still their choice to cheat and their problem that they chose that route, not the fault of their partner...but I can see this as a less severe problem than the serial cheater who may have A LOT more work to do on himself/herself.

[mercy]

Serial cheaters are calculating predators.

[bentnotbroken]

I am just curious... what is the difference? I mean, a cheater is a cheater, right? Does it really matter if it is something that they do often, with multiple partners? Or is it somehow better that they were miserable and found someone to give them what they need? Seems to me it would almost be better if the guy/girl was a serial cheater, at least then you know it's all about them and their stuff, and not about you, as the partner... any thoughts on this?

 

 

I haven't read the other responses but I have never believed it was about me. It was my partner. It didn't matter whether it was one time or multiple. We are all responsible for how we handle the crap life throws us. Any cheating is about the person who cheated. The marital problems are used as an excuse to validate poor choices by many.

[frozensprouts]

someone made a good point on here that i remember...

 

if someone is feeling bad in their marriage and is "open" ( even subconsciously) to cheating, they will do it. It probably doesn't really matter who they cheat with, as the cheating comes from something internal i them, and not external

 

if they had met their other man/woman at a point in their marriage when things were good, they most likely would never have considered cheating and the other man/woman would have merely been a passing acquaintance.

 

The alternative to this is that there is something that the other woman/man said or did that caused the married person to cheat...in which case, the old stereotype of the "seductress" seducing helpless married people applies...

 

personally, I think the first explanation makes more sense, and from the other woman/mans point of view, this would make the married person much less trustworthy..sure, they may be there for you when things are good between you two, but if things get tough, how dependable are they? will they seek comfort and validation elsewhere?

[SoMovinOn]

... any thoughts on this?

 

Yes. I don't think anyone can be defined by a single act (even if that act spans some period of time). Even multiple occurrences don't indicate what they will do in the future. People do what they do at any given moment because of every factor that exists at that moment. If any one thing changes, they may act differently.

 

Look at it from the opposite way. If someone has always been good, never done anything wrong - can you be assured they will never do anything wrong?

[Anna-Belle]

Serial cheating and one-night stands are pretty much about sexual addiction IMO. It's when it's a long term extramarital relationship with a life of its own parallel to the marriage that it starts to become interesting.

[donnamaybe]

Serial cheating and one-night stands are pretty much about sexual addiction IMO. It's when it's a long term extramarital relationship with a life of its own parallel to the marriage that it starts to become interesting.

 

I believe that the only difference is whether the third party is willing to remain on the sidelines.

 

Everyone has the right to expect to be someone's one and only.

[Anna-Belle]

I believe that the only difference is whether the third party is willing to remain on the sidelines.

 

Everyone has the right to expect to be someone's one and only.

 

So you believe the wayward spouse in a long term extramarital relationship is a sexual addict too?

[bentnotbroken]

So you believe the wayward spouse in a long term extramarital relationship is a sexual addict too?

 

I am skeptical of sex addicts. I know what the literature says, but it seems to be another way to say "I don't want to control myself".

[donnamaybe]

So you believe the wayward spouse in a long term extramarital relationship is a sexual addict too?

No. Just a selfish, self serving user.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes. I don't think anyone can be defined by a single act (even if that act spans some period of time). Even multiple occurrences don't indicate what they will do in the future.

 

No, but it certainly increases the probability that they will be a "repeat offender."

[carhill]

Serial cheater vs. one time cheater??

I am just curious... what is the difference?

 

Quantifiably, numbers; one versus more than one. Each person ascribes their own interpretation to the numbers.

 

For example, a person might interpret a one-time, long-term affair to be more unhealthy than a number of one-night stands or sexual contacts. Another person, different. Each circumstance is unique. I know a number of BS's who remained with their spouse who had a one-time affair, though very few (one or two) who remained after multiple affairs.

 

Also, what is cheating? Surreptitious betrayal of the M? Sex with someone else? An open affair? What? Each person's interpretation is different and unique. For some, PA's are 'cheating', while EA's are not. Others, different. On and on. Is a long-term EA more of a betrayal than a number of ONS sexual contacts? Unknown, as a generality.

 

Examining the question can lead to personal clarity; IMO, that's healthy. Thanks for asking

[OpenBook]

No, but it certainly increases the probability that they will be a "repeat offender."

 

I suspect there are quite a few BS right here on this very board who would beg to differ with you on that one.

[donnamaybe]

I suspect there are quite a few BS right here on this very board who would beg to differ with you on that one.

If so, they are free to speak up.

[jthorne]

It's when it's a long term extramarital relationship with a life of its own parallel to the marriage that it starts to become interesting.

I wouldn't call an affair interesting, but whatever. Why would you bring this up in a thread on serial cheating?

 

Your premise is a little off anyway, because an affair is not a parallel relationship; it's an affair, extraneous to the marriage, not parallel to it. That's why it's called an EXTRAmarital affair.

 

Interesting, the last person to refer to her long-term A as a parallel relationship was the same one who needed to diagnose her MM with split self so she could justify being on the sidelines for years and years.

Edited March 8, 2012 by jthorne

[itsourchoice]

I wouldn't call an affair interesting, but whatever. Why would you bring this up in a thread on serial cheating?

 

Your premise is a little off anyway, because an affair is not a parallel relationship; it's an affair, extraneous to the marriage, not parallel to it. That's why it's called an EXTRAmarital affair.

 

Interesting, the last person to refer to her long-term A as a parallel relationship was the same one who needed to diagnose her MM with split self so she could justify being on the sidelines for years and years.

 

But, in a sense it IS a parallel relationship. It is following the same timelines, and possibly the same growing phases of a marriage.

 

This has been an interesting thread, all the responses are so varied. I guess it doesn't really matter, one is no better or worse than the other, it is completely subjective.

[Owl]

I think that the question of "what's the difference" requires a bit more context for clarity.

 

I make the differentiation between a "one time" affair versus someone who's had multiple affairs when I'm giving advice to BS's.

 

I often use something along the lines of: "I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" comment, but I DO believe in "TWICE a cheater, always a cheater".".

 

And I believe that it's true. One time might present a very painful "learning experience" to someone who's never cheated before. They may learn from the experience...learn what NOT to do in the future to safeguard their current relationship. They may learn a lot more about relationshiops, about boundaries, and about themselves and their spouse that opens their eyes and leads to them making a conscious, intentional change in their lives that leads them not to do it again.

 

But...someone who does it a second time...especially when they've been "caught" once by their BS, is a completely different kind of critter. Someone that I personally do not recommend ANYONE, EVER get involved with again.

 

That's my thoughts at least...YMMV.

[Anna-Belle]

Oh, I must have totally misunderstood the question. I thought Itsourchoice was asking about serial cheaters versus one night stands. Sorry. Completely agree with you then, Owl.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[itsourchoice]

Actually, I was talking about someone who had one long term affair, as opposed to someone who had been involved in several short term affairs, or one night stands.

[Spark1111]

According to the literature, there are TWO types of serial cheaters.

 

One group is called "philanderers." They usually grow up in a culture or a family where having women outside of marriage is considered okay.

 

They see it as a status to have sex with many women, some of whom they may actually develop feelings for, and they brag about it often in certain circles. This is strictly sex for male status.

 

Generally, they have very low self-esteem, and intimacy issues. They actually fear the power (mommy?) had over them, so seek to empower themselves with lots of meaningless sex with hot bods.

 

They are extremely immature, stuck in the adolescent conquistadoro frame of mind and behavior. They can be very charming but act as if women are second class citizens.

 

The second group are true sex addicts. It is not about the number of partners, per se, or even about the sex. It is more about craving a release when they feel out of control and powerless in their own lives.

 

They are usually depressed, have many emotional and psychological issues (unexamined) and frequently hide behind a successful, strong facade.

 

It takes therapy to determine if a serial cheater is merely emotionally immature with mommy issues, or emotionally damaged.

[donnamaybe]

So in either case, they are NOT R material, obviously.

 

Pretty sad life, that.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Owl]

Actually, I was talking about someone who had one long term affair, as opposed to someone who had been involved in several short term affairs, or one night stands.

 

I don't differentiate my advice based on the length of the affair as much...but...if someone was willing to cheat on their spouse for years/decades...to me at least, that again demonstrates a pattern of behavior more along the lines of someone who has cheated several times. I suspect that (from my perspective) there's little overall difference between someone who is willing to betray a spouse for a long time with one person or someone who is willing to betray their spouse for a long time with several different people.

 

The bottom line is STILL someone who is willing to betray their spouse for a long time, with full knowledge and awareness of their actions and the like impacts of them.

 

Often we find a 3rd category...someone who has an affair but gets caught or confesses after a comparitively short time (weeks or months, rather than years).

 

This is the only category that I'd consider reconciliation as remotely possible with. They're the ones most likely to learn from the affair. Someone who has "gotten away with it" successfully for an extended period of time is far less more likely to repeat the action again...regardless of with one person or with many. Someone who did it once, got caught, suffered some consequence as a result, and learned from what they've done could become R material again.

[Mme. Chaucer]

But, in a sense it IS a parallel relationship. It is following the same timelines, and possibly the same growing phases of a marriage.

 

 

Really? I have a lot of doubts that an affair is frequently a parallel relationship to a marriage, or follows similar patterns. Maybe rarely. Usually, I'd think it would be an alternative relationship and the cheater would be consciously wanting it to be VERY different from his/ her marriage.

[donnamaybe]

There are SO many things a M couple shares - school conferences, family holiday dinners, family vacations, etc. that does NOT include an AP, not to mention that a marriage is not hidden. Parallel? Not even close.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator