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otherwoman2012

I've been seeing a coworker for the past 2 months. He's married but living 900 miles away from her, where I am. He only goes home a few times a year to see his kids so he's with me every single night. We love each other but he doesn't plan to divorce her. There's always a possibility that if a good job offer comes in back home, he'll leave. There's also a possibility that their marriage won't survive the 900 mile separation. He told me from the beginning that there really isn't a marriage - no sex in the last year or two. He's only with her because of the kids. I'm torn. Do I cut it off now so it won't hurt so bad later or do I give this a shot? I usually don't have these kinds of feelings for anyone, especially this soon but I really fell for him and he told me he loves me, in fact he said it first. I was not pressuring him to say it. We're not young kids, we've both been around but this feels like the real thing.

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bentnotbroken

Sounds like the same song different choir. Call his wife up and ask her if she feels the same way he does. If she says yes, then you have some of the answers you need. Don't just go with your feelings, use your head too. Get all the answers, or at least the other side of the story. Between his and hers you are sure to find the truth some where in the middle.

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I've been seeing a coworker for the past 2 months. He's married but living 900 miles away from her, where I am. He only goes home a few times a year to see his kids so he's with me every single night. We love each other but he doesn't plan to divorce her. There's always a possibility that if a good job offer comes in back home, he'll leave. There's also a possibility that their marriage won't survive the 900 mile separation. He told me from the beginning that there really isn't a marriage - no sex in the last year or two. He's only with her because of the kids. I'm torn. Do I cut it off now so it won't hurt so bad later or do I give this a shot? I usually don't have these kinds of feelings for anyone, especially this soon but I really fell for him and he told me he loves me, in fact he said it first. I was not pressuring him to say it. We're not young kids, we've both been around but this feels like the real thing.

 

aahhh he's tellin' ya all the right things but something just doesn't feel right, does it? You've known him all of sixty days and if, as you say, you've been 'round (me too) then we both have crackers older than that. Slow down, take a step back and fall back on your life experiences. What do they tell you? Mine would tell me to say, you love me? ok, go tidy up your life, and tell the wife.

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I've been seeing a coworker for the past 2 months. He's married but living 900 miles away from her, where I am. He only goes home a few times a year to see his kids so he's with me every single night. We love each other but he doesn't plan to divorce her. There's always a possibility that if a good job offer comes in back home, he'll leave. There's also a possibility that their marriage won't survive the 900 mile separation. He told me from the beginning that there really isn't a marriage - no sex in the last year or two. He's only with her because of the kids. I'm torn. Do I cut it off now so it won't hurt so bad later or do I give this a shot? I usually don't have these kinds of feelings for anyone, especially this soon but I really fell for him and he told me he loves me, in fact he said it first. I was not pressuring him to say it. We're not young kids, we've both been around but this feels like the real thing.

 

You have been having relations now for 2 months and already you seem to want more than what you have. Two months is two months, he might not be in your life in the next six months. He's told you he will not divorce her, but then you make the statement that the marriage might not survive. Don't hold on to the possibility, hold on more to the facts. He says divorce is not an option. That is where you stand. You're in the honeymoon phase of course those emotions will be there. What you have to figure out is why you are so willing to hold onto him so tight. It's only been two months. You've been around the block means you've lived. Are you thinking about your future and not wanting to be alone. Is that the reason why you are holding on to him so tight. Step back and take a better look at what you want in your future. Do you want a man who can't be a part of it. That is what you are truly working with.

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otherwoman2012

That's what I keep telling him. He says he won't be surprised if he ends up divorced but i can tell he's not going to do it himself. It obviously isn't a good marriage, she encouraged him to go get work far from home and he hardly ever goes back. I want to call her and blow this out of the water but I'm not sure I should.

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Gentlegirl2

If you would like to read similar scenarios to yours... just do some back reading.

 

The lines are almost identical, the situation might differ slightly, but not a great deal

 

This man probably wrote the manual on how to succeed in an affair.

 

I suggest two months is not long enough to get to know anybody well, let alone start to love them.

 

Look down the track at all the difficuties to be faced if he were to leave his wife.. i.e. child custody, child support, financial hardship, bitter wife. The list is endless.

 

At the risk of sounding harsh and uncaring, I suggest he has found a source of sex to keep the wolf from the door while he is away from home.

He will say all the right things to keep you sweet for just that purpose.

 

Your fate will be the same as that of many other tragic heroines (OW). YOu will be thrown under a bus when the time suits him.

 

YOu don't have a chance in Hades.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you stop seeing this cheating creep immediately.

 

GG

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That's what I keep telling him. He says he won't be surprised if he ends up divorced but i can tell he's not going to do it himself. It obviously isn't a good marriage, she encouraged him to go get work far from home and he hardly ever goes back. I want to call her and blow this out of the water but I'm not sure I should.

 

All of this info about her, their marriage is coming from him. Call her, get her story. If he loves you he'll understand that you want him all to yourself.

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bentnotbroken
That's what I keep telling him. He says he won't be surprised if he ends up divorced but i can tell he's not going to do it himself. It obviously isn't a good marriage, she encouraged him to go get work far from home and he hardly ever goes back. I want to call her and blow this out of the water but I'm not sure I should.

 

 

Do you know why she encouraged him to take the job? Was it a promotion? Was it a good move for the family in the long run? Was he employed before this job? You cannot make assumptions because he told you she encouraged him to take the job. Ask her.

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Yep, cut if off now, and yes, it WILL hurt more later. You have the advantage of him telling you up front that he won't leave. Don't delude yourself into thinking that it will change. It won't.

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whichwayisup
That's what I keep telling him. He says he won't be surprised if he ends up divorced but i can tell he's not going to do it himself. It obviously isn't a good marriage, she encouraged him to go get work far from home and he hardly ever goes back. I want to call her and blow this out of the water but I'm not sure I should.

 

Then tell him to call you when the divorce is final and then you'll consider dating him once he's been on his own for a while and got used to life on his own, helping his kids adjust to all the changes of having two homes instead of one.

 

If you plan on telling her, be prepared for his hate and wrath upon you. be ready for the fallout and drama too. But, also OWN your part in this, don't put this all on him since you willing have had an affair with a MM and chose to believe his lies. He is still married, has a wife. That's a fact.

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I hope he's paying you big money for sleeping with him... You deserve it for the pain he'll inflict on you when he just walks away- back to his adoring wife.

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otherwoman2012

I've decided to call her to find out for myself if anything he has told me is true. If she's so naive and doesn't have a clue what he's doing, she needs to be told about him. But what do I say to her? She's hundreds of miles away, never comes here ever so I'm not worried about a personal confrontation,,,but how do I begin the conversation?

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You don't trust the man you are in a relationship with, but you think you will get the truth from his wife? :eek:

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bentnotbroken
You don't trust the man you are in a relationship with, but you think you will get the truth from his wife? :eek:

 

 

Maybe not the truth but certainly her version of events. That's all she has from the person she is having an affair with.

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otherwoman2012

Right, I want her version. I believe him when he says the marriage hasn't been good for a long time. Why would they live so far apart from each other? Why doesn't she ever come see him? Why does he only go home a few times a year for just a few days at a time?

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whichwayisup

You do know what you have with him will be over when you talk to her, right?

 

Be prepared for that. He is going to hate you for going behind his back and talking to his wife. It's a sure way of ending the affair. Which is good because now you and his wife will find out the truth. Just my 2 cents but my guess is, she has no idea what is going on and he's given no indication of being unhappy or on the outs with the her and the marriage. He is a very good and skilled liar, so YOU need to be prepared he is going to throw you under the bus and tell her you're crazy, a stalker who won't take no for answer.

 

Either way, you'll have some answers. I just hope your reasons for telling are the right ones and not secretly hoping his wife will for sure get rid of him and then he'll come running to you with open arms.

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Mme. Chaucer

It's fair that his wife should know, so I'm in favor of your contacting her. I am not sure what you are hoping to gain from it though. Do you think that this action is going to enhance your relationship with the husband? :confused:

 

I have a feeling he's not going to like it very much!

 

But don't get me wrong. I still think it's an excellent plan.

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otherwoman2012

I definitely don't think he'll come running to me if I tell her. I'm hoping it will keep him back there with her and AWAY from me. If she really is the naive trusting wife, she deserves to know. I just don't know how to begin the conversation.

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whichwayisup
Right, I want her version. I believe him when he says the marriage hasn't been good for a long time. Why would they live so far apart from each other? Why doesn't she ever come see him? Why does he only go home a few times a year for just a few days at a time?

 

Have you asked him this? If so, what did he say?

 

You have 2 months with him, she has a marriage of xx amount of years with him and kids.

 

There are answers there, though probably ones that you are going to be shocked to find out about. Again, my guess is he's lied to you just as much as he's lied to her.. Be truthful towards her, own your part in the A and your decision to involve yourself with her husband.. Don't put it all on him and make yourself a victim. I hope you two have a calm and respectful conversation.. Your reaction has much to do with setting the tone so don't go off with both guns blazing and accuse her of being naive etc.. (Not saying you WILL be like that with her.)

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whichwayisup
I definitely don't think he'll come running to me if I tell her. I'm hoping it will keep him back there with her and AWAY from me. If she really is the naive trusting wife, she deserves to know. I just don't know how to begin the conversation.

 

"Hi, I'm (insert your name here). I'm really sorry to be telling you this and it's up to you if you believe me, I hope you do take into consideration what I'm about to tell you.." Then be open and honest with her about the past 2 months. Apologize for your part in this and let her know if she has any questions to contact you if she chooses to do so..

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There was an old poster here a few years back in a similar situation. She was with the MM for years though and thought she was pretty secure since he worked in her town - but her MM went back home almost every weekend to be with his W and family. I believe her name here was "frannie".

 

I can't speak to whether theirs is a real marriage or whether he's only married on paper for his kids. What I can say is that I wouldn't take his word for it alone. He might be saying that he'll end up divorced one day because he's not really doing a good job at working on staying married (possibly hounding it up while he's 900 miles away).

 

How long have you known this man and how much do you really know about him?

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whichwayisup
I think she actually believes he's going to think she did him a favor and thank her for "helping" him to finally make the decision to be happy. She's that delusional.

 

His wife's world is about to be rocked and turned upside down.

 

BE SURE you are ready for the fallout of this before you tell. Once it's out there, you can't run and hide from reaction..

 

2 months in, part of me just wants to tell you to walk away and not say a word, not get involved in their marriage/personal life..

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I definitely don't think he'll come running to me if I tell her. I'm hoping it will keep him back there with her and AWAY from me. If she really is the naive trusting wife, she deserves to know. I just don't know how to begin the conversation.

 

Good for you! Knowledge is power and lies keep you stuck.

 

Here's how I would start the conversation - Hello, my name is - and we need to talk. What I'm about to tell you is going to be difficult to hear and believe but it's the truth and you deserve the truth. I'm having an affair with your husband and he tells me your marriage is over. Is this the truth?

 

Good luck to you and I'll say a prayer for you. What you are doing is the right thing. You seem to be a tough 'girl', you can do this. And we'll be here to support you.

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otherwoman2012

Thanks Mercy! I think that's what I'll do. I really want him to stay there and not come back to work here with more lies.

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Thanks Mercy! I think that's what I'll do. I really want him to stay there and not come back to work here with more lies.

 

You're assuming a lot here. Just because you tell her, it does not mean that he will leave his job. You could be about to make things very difficult for yourself at work.

 

How do you relate to each other in the hierarchy at work?

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