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MM/OW Sex with BS...Dealbreaker???


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Ok I'm starting the thread...

 

It's apparent that there's an obscene # of OW/fOW who believe/are told by MM that the don't have sex with their W. I'm having trouble comprehending this. I wanted to see if I'm alone.

 

When you (general you, me included) choose to embark on an A journey with a MM (key word: MARRIED), why would u "think" or believe when your told by him that no sex goes on in the MARITAL home???? And that if/when they find out their "man" is having sex with the woman they're MARRIED to...that's an instant dealbreaker...really?...it never crossed my mind that xMM WAS NOT having sex with wife...am I abnormal?

 

I told xMM once when we first started talking (because I could tell he was uncomfortable with some things...for example: going out to eat with W on Valentine's Day)...I said look...all I ask from you is total honesty...because there are some things that I know without a doubt:

 

1-you are married

2-you have sex with your W

3-you go on vacations with your family

4-you go out of eat with your family

5-you buy your W gifts on special occasions and birthdays

6-your W and family take priority over me 100% of the time*

 

Those things are not secret and are package deals when I chose to have an A with a MM...I am ok with that...and when/if they become dealbreakers I'll let u know...

 

Am I alone here?...anyone else felt like that during their A?...

 

I never once asked xMM about his sex life...why would I?...I already had that answer so why ask the question?...now if I asked him and he LIED about it...that's an instant dealbreaker for me...if he had decided to get S/D and be "committed" to me, and then was still having sex with said W...that would b a dealbreaker...idk maybe I'm alone here...

 

Also...if xMM was having sex with W prior to the A, and then suddenly cuts her off, he would b throwing the OW under the bus sooner rather than later right?...he's got to keep the status quo at home in order to keep up the massive amount of lies to W the A requires...

 

And in the end I DID NOT get total honesty...so I walked...I guess I'm similar to a BS in that respect...lies hurt soooooo much more than the truth...I'll never understand compulsive liars...and I don't want to...ok I think I just t/j my own thread...:p

 

Anyway...Comments?...

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I think you are amazingly aware, realistic, and astute.

 

I think you are NOT the norm.

 

You did not delude yourself with any romantic projections that precluded his sex life with his wife or his devotion to his family.

 

Kudos!

 

However, I need to say this: Whether you asked or didn't ask, did not make it less true.

 

Not asking protected you to continue on the affair path. Did not make it right, or wrong, or less true.

 

Not asking, whether it was you or him, was a protection from the truth, truth you did not want to know because then you would be forced to deal with your culpability....something you were too cowardly to do.

 

I get it, and it is ok.

 

But the lies of omission, because the questions were never asked and answered, still doesn't make it right, KWIM?

 

And I think on some level, you know that's true.

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EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Who'd want someone else's backwash? :sick:

That's soooooooo GROOOOOOOOOSSSSS!

 

Um Daisy...if I recall, you had posted before about your MM having sex with his BS as a way of "playing nice", so she'd "cooperate" and sign divorce papers...you asked if this was normal and when people spoke negatively about it, you defended him and asked if any of us never had goodbye sex before with an ex lol...anyway...I think that counts as backwash, and backwash that you defended :o

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Um Daisy...if I recall, you had posted before about your MM having sex with his BS as a way of "playing nice", so she'd "cooperate" and sign divorce papers...you asked if this was normal and when people spoke negatively about it, you defended him and asked if any of us never had goodbye sex before with an ex lol...anyway...I think that counts as backwash, and backwash that you defended :o

 

You have a stellar memory MB...I do remember that now that u mention it...I do kind of understand though what Daisy means about the sex to smooth over or cover up...that's what I was trying to say about MM having to keep the status quo at home so the reg flags don't go up with W...

 

Daisy...did u comment on the sharing dildos thread yet speaking of gross?...

 

Spark...there may be a little truth to that on some level but honestly it didn't matter to me...I knew it going in...eyes wide open...so I got what I knew right?...it was really none of my business until he was committed to me which obviously didn't happen...so problem solved:D

 

I mean when u make a choice to go to a haunted house you pretty much know chances are pretty good that something will scare you...and u probably don't have to ask anyone in line if they think something will scare you...duh it's obvious...your at a haunted house...so when u go in and something scares you, do u get pissed? or do you say "hey that's totally what I expected"? Does that make sense?...

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Ok I'm starting the thread...

 

It's apparent that there's an obscene # of OW/fOW who believe/are told by MM that the don't have sex with their W. I'm having trouble comprehending this. I wanted to see if I'm alone.

 

When you (general you, me included) choose to embark on an A journey with a MM (key word: MARRIED), why would u "think" or believe when your told by him that no sex goes on in the MARITAL home???? And that if/when they find out their "man" is having sex with the woman they're MARRIED to...that's an instant dealbreaker...really?...it never crossed my mind that xMM WAS NOT having sex with wife...am I abnormal?

 

I told xMM once when we first started talking (because I could tell he was uncomfortable with some things...for example: going out to eat with W on Valentine's Day)...I said look...all I ask from you is total honesty...because there are some things that I know without a doubt:

 

1-you are married

2-you have sex with your W

3-you go on vacations with your family

4-you go out of eat with your family

5-you buy your W gifts on special occasions and birthdays

6-your W and family take priority over me 100% of the time*

 

Those things are not secret and are package deals when I chose to have an A with a MM...I am ok with that...and when/if they become dealbreakers I'll let u know...

 

Am I alone here?...anyone else felt like that during their A?...

 

I never once asked xMM about his sex life...why would I?...I already had that answer so why ask the question?...now if I asked him and he LIED about it...that's an instant dealbreaker for me...if he had decided to get S/D and be "committed" to me, and then was still having sex with said W...that would b a dealbreaker...idk maybe I'm alone here...

 

Also...if xMM was having sex with W prior to the A, and then suddenly cuts her off, he would b throwing the OW under the bus sooner rather than later right?...he's got to keep the status quo at home in order to keep up the massive amount of lies to W the A requires...

 

And in the end I DID NOT get total honesty...so I walked...I guess I'm similar to a BS in that respect...lies hurt soooooo much more than the truth...I'll never understand compulsive liars...and I don't want to...ok I think I just t/j my own thread...:p

 

Anyway...Comments?...

 

Sign me up as abnormal too.

 

I too had little delusions about certain facts....

 

I expected he had sex with his gf and if he said he didn't I'd not believe him.

 

I do believe some MM don't....but sorry...I'm probably going to assume MOST still do.

 

My A was different in that he didn't vilify his gf and make it seem like their relationship was horrible and set up a competition between us. He was frank and said he loved her, but he loved me too. So that alone made me not have any reason to believe he wasn't doing normal couple things. A lot of As though include a misrepresentation of the MM's life, BS, home situation, feelings etc. and sets up a scenario of BS is bad/lacking and OW is better/good/savior. So with that setup it makes sense that if he is going out of his way to make the OW seem like a godsend and the BS abhorrent...that she would be shocked and upset about the sex.

 

Truth and transparency can be horribly compromised in As and I think depending on the MM, the situation, what the OW or MM desire from the A etc...some OW are more realistic than others. Some OW deep down are suspicious but want to believe the best (I was this type for the most part...I loved him but wasn't dumb...loving you doesn't make you not a liar :rolleyes: and I understood how it could be profitable to lie and he had misrepresented stuff before so I was not 100% trustful), some OW are thoroughly enamored and believe MM can do no wrong and would never ever ever ever lie and expect that the rules are exactly the same as with a single guy.

 

As you said, you need to know what you're getting into.g

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I think you are amazingly aware, realistic, and astute.

 

I think you are NOT the norm.

 

You did not delude yourself with any romantic projections that precluded his sex life with his wife or his devotion to his family.

 

Kudos!

 

However, I need to say this: Whether you asked or didn't ask, did not make it less true.

 

Not asking protected you to continue on the affair path. Did not make it right, or wrong, or less true.

 

Not asking, whether it was you or him, was a protection from the truth, truth you did not want to know because then you would be forced to deal with your culpability....something you were too cowardly to do.

 

I get it, and it is ok.

 

But the lies of omission, because the questions were never asked and answered, still doesn't make it right, KWIM?

 

And I think on some level, you know that's true.

 

That was exactly how it was for me!

 

The less I directly asked or knew...the more I could continue and not feel bad.

 

I remember the first time he referred to his gf by name and she was now more of a person, I was so angry! She had always existed but could be ignored easier before, but when you name this person...it breaks down the delusion even more!

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Ya but it was a one time thing so we could all get on with our lives, ya know. It wasn't a sloppy seconds thing like you guys were.

 

I know lots of MM who would have sex with they wives and then get horny at work thinking about it and go have sex with they OW. Or vicea versa. It happens, sicko stuff!

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...it never crossed my mind that xMM WAS NOT having sex with wife...am I abnormal?

 

Well, you'd be in the same camp with me, and plenty of people tell me I'm abnormal, so ... it's entirely possible you're abnormal as well.

 

Addressing the topic - I full well expect a married couple has sex, with each other.

 

Not A related, I do note where lack of sex in a marriage seems to be a fairly common complaint or problem. If not a complete lack of sex, then, very rare sex.

 

When it has happened with couples I know, knowing the man as I do, I am rarely surprised his W has no desire to have sex with him.

 

Speaking of A's ... it seems a very common MM complaint. I suspect it is sometimes true and sometimes not.

 

Perhaps one of the first questions one might ask would be "Why doesn't your spouse want to have sex with you?"

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Sign me up as abnormal too.

 

I too had little delusions about certain facts....

 

I expected he had sex with his gf and if he said he didn't I'd not believe him.

 

I do believe some MM don't....but sorry...I'm probably going to assume MOST still do.

 

My A was different in that he didn't vilify his gf and make it seem like their relationship was horrible and set up a competition between us. He was frank and said he loved her, but he loved me too. So that alone made me not have any reason to believe he wasn't doing normal couple things. A lot of As though include a misrepresentation of the MM's life, BS, home situation, feelings etc. and sets up a scenario of BS is bad/lacking and OW is better/good/savior. So with that setup it makes sense that if he is going out of his way to make the OW seem like a godsend and the BS abhorrent...that she would be shocked and upset about the sex.

 

Truth and transparency can be horribly compromised in As and I think depending on the MM, the situation, what the OW or MM desire from the A etc...some OW are more realistic than others. Some OW deep down are suspicious but want to believe the best (I was this type for the most part...I loved him but wasn't dumb...loving you doesn't make you not a liar :rolleyes: and I understood how it could be profitable to lie and he had misrepresented stuff before so I was not 100% trustful), some OW are thoroughly enamored and believe MM can do no wrong and would never ever ever ever lie and expect that the rules are exactly the same as with a single guy.

 

As you said, you need to know what you're getting into.g

 

Totally agree...

 

I think I just found a new profound signature line..."LOVING YOU DOESN'T MAKE YOU NOT A LIAR"...love that...great line MB...

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Well, you'd be in the same camp with me, and plenty of people tell me I'm abnormal, so ... it's entirely possible you're abnormal as well.

 

Addressing the topic - I full well expect a married couple has sex, with each other.

 

Not A related, I do note where lack of sex in a marriage seems to be a fairly common complaint or problem. If not a complete lack of sex, then, very rare sex.

 

When it has happened with couples I know, knowing the man as I do, I am rarely surprised his W has no desire to have sex with him.

 

Speaking of A's ... it seems a very common MM complaint. I suspect it is sometimes true and sometimes not.

 

Perhaps one of the first questions one might ask would be "Why doesn't your spouse want to have sex with you?"

 

Uuum I'm not sure if u r directing that question to me but my S would have sex with me 24/7...but I'm not a willing participant...I'm too old to have meaningless sex just sex...been there for 16 yrs...trying to get out and not go back...

 

But I think what u were saying is why doesn't OM/OW question the reason why the BS doesn't want to have sex with MM/MW...your absolutely right...that's a red flag for sure...didn't think about it from that angle...

 

BTW...I meant to put MM/MW in the title...not MM/OW...I wanted to get both gender biases ;-) oh well...

Edited by 18Years2Late
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Totally agree...

 

I think I just found a new profound signature line..."LOVING YOU DOESN'T MAKE YOU NOT A LIAR"...love that...great line MB...

 

:laugh:

 

It's true though. A common delusion is to say "But I love him" or "But I trust him" ....I don't see what that has to do with whether or not someone is a liar or what have you. Loving them doesn't erase their flaws.Trusting a man doesn't make him not a cheater or liar...neither does loving him. So while you're loving you need to keep your good sense about you and keep your eyes and ears open and not behave as though your love is a magic potion that can erase someone's character flaws...like if you say "I love you" 10 times and knock your heels together a liar will be cured :lmao:

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I agree with your #1-6 package deal. However, MM having sex REGULARLY with his W would be a deal breaker for me. I am one who believed (at least 95% of me does) what xMM said about his sex life with W. According to MM, the first part of A, they had sex regularly. Later on, it tapered off to once every couple of months. For one year, he says there was nothing between them. And currently he’s said there’s been nothing between them in the 3mos since our break-up (which doesn’t really matter to me). It’s not that I didn’t expect him to sleep with his W or had problems with that aspect (though I did have stipulations), but the deal breaker for me would be him telling me all this time that they were not having or barely having sex then finding out he was lying about it. I believe MM was honest about them though because: he had no reason to lie when I was telling him it didn’t matter, he’d make comments during times when they were together regularly, he’d relay conversations about things she’s said about them not having sex, and I’ve heard her make comments about it to him over the phone (like she can count on one hand how many times he’s touched her all year). Yes, it’s hypocritical, but MM LYING about his sex life with his W is what I wouldn’t stand for and find a hard time forgiving.

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When I met xMM he was upfront about his wife's disability. She could not have sex because of severe arthritis and hadn't for quite a few years.

 

I believed him because I saw pics of her and she had a walking frame.

 

He said that sex just wasn't an option between them because it had been too painful for her in her condition.

 

Well I don't know about a deal breaker, because I never even questioned what he told me. It all seemed true under the circumstances. It was the reason he was looking outside his marriage in the first place.

 

GG

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I know for a fact that my H lied about our sex life to OW. He also over-emphasized some ongoing health issues of mine and also exaggerated every little temporary illness or ailment I had. It was all designed to convince OW that there was nothing going on between us.

 

I admit it had become less frequent but we hadn't completely stopped, and were active up until d-day. After that it became a lot more frequent. I think it's called hysterical bonding.

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It's all in the past now, but my xWH and I had a pretty active sex life up until two weeks before I found out about the affair. Indeed, the lack of sex was a huge factor in my suspicions.

 

I knew OM very well: he was initially a friend of mine. In the end, I found him rather clingy, needy and extremely jealous of any time we spent with other friends... Obviously subsequent discoveries mean that my words can't entirely be trusted here, but that's as I saw him. Given that, I am pretty sure he was told we weren't having sex, it would have driven him insane.

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I agree with your #1-6 package deal. However, MM having sex REGULARLY with his W would be a deal breaker for me. I am one who believed (at least 95% of me does) what xMM said about his sex life with W. According to MM, the first part of A, they had sex regularly. Later on, it tapered off to once every couple of months. For one year, he says there was nothing between them. And currently he’s said there’s been nothing between them in the 3mos since our break-up (which doesn’t really matter to me). It’s not that I didn’t expect him to sleep with his W or had problems with that aspect (though I did have stipulations), but the deal breaker for me would be him telling me all this time that they were not having or barely having sex then finding out he was lying about it. I believe MM was honest about them though because: he had no reason to lie when I was telling him it didn’t matter, he’d make comments during times when they were together regularly, he’d relay conversations about things she’s said about them not having sex, and I’ve heard her make comments about it to him over the phone (like she can count on one hand how many times he’s touched her all year). Yes, it’s hypocritical, but MM LYING about his sex life with his W is what I wouldn’t stand for and find a hard time forgiving.

 

Exactly...LYING about anything is the dealbreaker for me...especially when u have no reason to lie to me...

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It sounds like you weren't in love with your MM.

 

No...you're wrong about that...loved him then...love him now...loved him for the past 20 years...but to quote MsBee...loving him doesn't make him not a shyte head (I altered it a little)...loving him doesn't mean he's right for me or that he deserves me...love is not jealous, or competitive, or boastful, or anything else that should hurt...and it shouldn't make me delusional...

 

What grounds do u have to say that? Please explain?

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Obviously knowing the person you care for is having sex when they say not is or might be a dealbreaker. But, TBH, for me the bit I wanted to know most about H's affair was intimacy, which I think is far more telling than sex. Luckily for him they didn't as it wasn't that sort of A, had they done so, I don't know that I would have found it so easy to forgive.

 

When H had the A, I was having treatment for cancer, so sex had tailed off, but intimacy not so. I attach far more importance to that.

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Lostinlife4now

Thank you so much for this thread! It has come at a very appropriate time in my xA with xMM.

 

I had a conversation with xMM a few days ago....just wanted to really clear some things up. He had ALWAYS said he was NOT having sex with the W. Always said NO I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH HER! THERE IS NO ATTRACTION TO HER WHATSOEVER! And I believed him. All I ever wanted from him was the truth.

 

But come to pass, he made a statement in the conversation (his exact words) HIS MARRIAGE IS FINE!!!!! and then the top of my head blew off! I knew he was lying right then and there about not having sex with the W. How could he not be? He had to keep things status quo...he does not like conflict whatsoever! Now in the last few months he had also told me that she was sick...I somehow don't believe this either. Lie after lie.. Yes I know it is an affair....but all I asked was for transparency in the one thing that really meant alot to me...Are you having sex with your wife? There was a moment last summer that he was on vacation with the family and I SWEAR I know his after sex voice...the calmness, he had called me and the first words out of my mouth after he said hello was "DID YOU HAVE SEX"? OMG! I know that voice..I know you....he lied, in my gut feeling I knew he was lying to me...and after that....I HAVE NEVER FELT SO USED...It is the worst feeling in the world. (If he was having sex with the W, I just wanted to protect myself) but he lied. and for that I HATE HIM FOR!!!!! and myself!

 

Guess what? She can have the lying and cheating scum bag...I hope she is very happy! And I do hope that someday she DOES find out that he had a long-term affair! I just need to keep my emotions in check for as not to flip out!!!!

 

After I did flip out on the phone...he started trying to bribe me with different things....Yes I was stupid then...but I am not stupid now...I hope he doesn't have a restful sleep for the next twenty years thinking that I can blow the lid off his so called marriage. And this was a man that told me he loved me...over and over again....and I loved him....Sick I know!!!!

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frozensprouts

maybe i'm asking a silly question, but do some other men/women simply assume that their affair partner is not longer having sex with their spouse, even though they are never actually told this?

 

just speaking from my own personal experience, my husband and i were most certainly having sex during his affair, and his other woman knew that.

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I don't think it is unusual for MM to lie about sex with their W. In my case, I never asked, just assumed they were having sex, and MM volunteered information saying they weren't. I also figured he had no reason to lie and believed him. Later his W told me otherwise and he then admitted it.

 

It was an eyeopener to me as to how dishonest some people can be for no obvious reason. So much about cheating is about the person trying to feel good. They obviously are capable of deception and they then lie more, perhaps because they want the AP to think they are a better person than they are. They can weave a story that suits their purposes and it may not depend at all on whether the AP has asked them to be honest, has said they don't care, or whatever. I've never cheated and can't imagine choosing that level of dishonesty. But obviously, others can and do and if you are involved with one, it only makes sense not to place much faith in what they say.

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Lostinlife4now
maybe i'm asking a silly question, but do some other men/women simply assume that their affair partner is not longer having sex with their spouse, even though they are never actually told this?

 

just speaking from my own personal experience, my husband and i were most certainly having sex during his affair, and his other woman knew that.

 

 

Hi FS!

 

I did not assume...He told me emphatically that he WAS NOT having sex with his W....and I believed him. Stupid me.

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maybe i'm asking a silly question, but do some other men/women simply assume that their affair partner is not longer having sex with their spouse, even though they are never actually told this?

 

just speaking from my own personal experience, my husband and i were most certainly having sex during his affair, and his other woman knew that.

 

Yes I assumed...but I assumed they WERE having sex...even though I wasn't told either way...I don't understand why OW/OM assume otherwise...regardless of what they are told by an expert liar...

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