virgo2004 Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 I have figured it out... all this time things have been difficult and its bc i havent acted like the other woman. i tried to make this relationship what it needs to be. i dont know how to not have it all....not have him when i want him, not understanding that he has another life that i cannot be a part of. i went about it all wrong. i thought we had a relationship where i could be in love with him. i can only love him. now the question is....is that enough??? probably not. i need it all..someone who will be involved 100 percent. now all the advice and comments make sense. i was involved with this man thinking that he can be what i need....he cant. its amazing how sometimes things just hit you all at once. now what do i do? how do i tell him he isnt enough for me without hurting him bc i do care. i am concerned that he needs me. i need him too but i cant get what i need. iknow its not his fault and he didnt do it on purpose but with this realization i will be selling myself short if i continue to allow it to happen. do i stay friends? do i support him? he needs someone to help him get through this...but can i go from loving him to supporting him? what does he need? does this make sense to anyone?? how cani help him without destroying myself and who i am??? is there a way?? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 A hard lesson I have had to learn is that sometimes you have to let people go, even if it means they are headed right off a cliff. You are right, you need to tend to yourself and your needs. To do otherwise may mean that you become too diminished to function, which is why you must take that path and make that choice. Can you go from loving to supporting? Maybe, but it sounds as though the emotional cost is becoming too much for you. The problem is that if you give all of yourself to try to help someone, you have nothing left in the end - not even you. You HATE to feel as though you're deserting someone, but sometimes in trying to support someone, you desert you. You have to stop before you do that. Trust me, it takes a long time to put yourself back together if you don't stop yourself in time. You will need lots of strength to get over this. Be very good to yourself and don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you've done as much as you can. You will be better off in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 its amazing how sometimes things just hit you all at once. now what do i do? how do i tell him he isnt enough for me without hurting him bc i do care. i am concerned that he needs me. i need him too but i cant get what i need Keep going pocketranger ....you will be free soon. I'm not sure what you meant when you said you haven't acted like the other woman, but it sounds like day is dawning for ya. He is married. He has a wife. You aren't his wife. You are his lover. He can't/won't give you wife status. It doesn't matter what he wants. You have given him a free pass to feel good land..and I don't doubt he loves you or loves it! He doesn't deserve your worry. Tell him you can't be his lover anymore because it is hurting you. If he cries tell him what you need...That he needs to be legally out of his marriage to be considered for a relationship. You do not want to share him with anyone do you? You cannot be his friend..That is not what he wanted or he would have been your friend..and just because he shared his secrets with you didn't make him your friend...You were his lover. This is the big one... Can you leave this relationship alone, move on and spend sometime figuring out why it happened and also be kind to yourself while doing it? You are welcome to p/m anytime. Skittles Link to post Share on other sites
Author virgo2004 Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 When i said i didnt act like the other woman, i meant that i didnt accept it. when he was here i would pretend he didnt have this other life. i would focus on what things could be and not what they really were. i was making him out to be the person i wanted him to be. he tried to...he still does. but that isnt enough. i do want him and only him...no marriage, no problems with me in the middle. i have realized all this recently. i never allowed myself to think that i was at a bad time in my life to let this happen. it could be love but its not the right time...no matter how i feel. i just dont know if i can just end it. i am supposed to visit him on monday. do i tell him what i discovered asap or do it in person? whoh...that is all i can say right now. it is so overwhelming. i wish i had the answers. how not to hurt....i am learning it is not possible. craziness!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 I'm so glad you have got yourself out of this destructive pattern of behaviour. Well done. Now comes the hard bit, you love him and do not want to hurt him. Maybe you feel you are betraying him by leaving him. I think you realise that your relationship is characterised and is likely to continue to be characterised by the fact that you are the OW. This means you are unlikely to be satisfied by it. Your concern for your lover does you credit but you have been honest about the fact that you expect him to leave his wife. In previous posts you have said that you were going to try and leave him, that he then persuaded you to give him time, that he was leaving his wife and moving nearer to you, that he was finding it hard to leave his old life but wanted a "real"relationship from you despite the fact that he is still with his wife. Basically you said it yourself - he knows just what to say to keep you in the relationship. Now you doubt he will leave and are not prepared to wait in vain. This is entirely consistent with your attitude to date. You may have been persuaded to suspend your disbelief in the past but now you just don't believe he will leave his wife. I would avoid contact with him in the future (you are unlikely to achieve the necessary degree of detachment to avoid being persuaded to resume the affair). In explaining your decision to him be supportive by all means but be unapologetic. He will be hurt but the current situation is hurting you and it is within his power to stop that - he has chosen not to. So get the hurt in proportion - would he have risked losing you if you were that important to him? I'm sure he will suffer the loss of your love but is more likely to be greatly affected by the fact he has not got his own way. After all he was prepared to hurt you to get what he wanted when he kept you in the relationship with false hope. Your hurt is much greater - you loved him more as demonstrated by the continuing concern for his happiness depite the pain he causes you. Why not let him know ASAP that you can no longer continue, that you love him but being the OW is doing you damage. Then meet him on Monday to explain? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Pocket, Nothing in this whole world will be harder than walking away from a man who you so dearly love....who won't even have the decency of breaking up with you. That's the hard part Sweetie. He isn't going to say 'good bye'. He's gonna tell you how much he loves you and cares......while he stays married to someone else. It's SOOOOO HARD to walk away from that. What you have to do is remind yourself moment by moment......that a true lover 'protects' you...and he's protecting you from nothing. He leaves you in pain and doubt and confusion night after lonely night. You feel like nothing more than his 'past time'......and he doesn't even love you enough to help you thru it. Walking away is hard.....cause you HAVE to admit.....at some point....he's full of $hit! To call that on someone who you so love and treasure.....is almost impossible. At the same time....if you don't.....you will crash and burn. He WILL NOT pick up the pieces. He will pat himself on the back for being the 'good' hubby!! If you need to PM me.....please do so. I actually care enough about your feelings...to wish I could spare you from the pain right in front of you. I have been there......and know how you feel. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Arabess, the wisdom you share on the board continually impresses me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author virgo2004 Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 i am supposed to visit him tomorrow. i feel that this decision will make me or break me. i know we should talk about this in person. things dont mean as much over the phone. he knows how i feel. i cant get it all from him and i deserve the best relationship that i can have. yet i dont know if i am strong enought to walk away right now. can i visit and decide face to face what is the best thing for ME to do? i am done worrying about him. i have to find myself again...and i know part of me is buried in this relationship. how do i determine which path to take? how do i figure out what to do? i kinda hope that if i do visit, then i will see that he isnt doing what he can for me. if he cared so much he would make it known, by his actions and not by his words over the phone. so maybe i go and try to figure that out. it will be easier to leave if its obvious to me that he is more selfish than i think he is. if i see it happen by what he has to tell me and what he does. then i will have the understanding i need to get out. i know i cant do that right now... is this logical at all? what am i trying to do??? Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 You are trying to find a reason to stay with him because you love him. You are hoping he can give you enough so that you are not unhappy - nothing will be enough other than leaving his wife. You know you need actions rather than words but you are wavering, waiting to hear what he says. As always he will know just what to say to make you feel better, more secure. Then he'll leave you and you will be alone with your unhappiness again. So, remember that moment of revelation. Crystalise it to a simple phrase that you can use to help keep you strong. Decide what you will do when he says he will leave his wife (he's said it before so bound to do it again) - I suggest "call me when you do". Leave quickly. Good luck let us know how you get on either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author virgo2004 Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 yes. i am going to see him. and i know he will tell me again that he is leaving his wife. but if i know him like i think i do, he will do something that can give me the strength to move on. he does not know how to please anyone else besides himself. his past/present mades him who he is. if i experience this during the week, it will be the low i think i need. he cares but not to the extent that i need him to. i guess i have to go through it myself before i realize what is happening. i know you are trying to help. hindsight i guess will be20/20. wish me luck and the strength i need to come out a little better than i am right now. thanks for all the advice and support. i dont know what i would do without it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author virgo2004 Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 yes. i am going to see him. i have no choice. and i know he will tell me again that he is leaving his wife. but if i know him like i think i do, he will do something that can give me the strength to move on. he does not know how to please anyone else besides himself. his past/present mades him who he is. if i experience this during the week, it will be the low i think i need. he cares but not to the extent that i need him to. i guess i have to go through it myself before i realize what is happening. i know you are trying to help. hindsight i guess will be20/20. wish me luck and the strength i need to come out a little better than i am right now. thanks for all the advice and support. i dont know what i would do without it... Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 i guess i have to go through it myself before i realize what is happening But, Sweetie, you are going through it right now. You just haven't accepted the fact that this man is (as Arabess so eloquently put it) full of sh*t. Plenty of others before me have given you great advice. Listen to them. You deserve a life better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author virgo2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Author Share Posted January 14, 2004 just wanted to share the news. she called today and gave him the divorce papers. he had to get them today and i am waiting for him to come back. now i have a feeling a new hell is going to start. but at least we are together. i am happy and scared as hell. i cant wait for the time where we can both be at a good place...together.... Link to post Share on other sites
kiki Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 private messages for you, pocketranger. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts