sharon Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I have been with my married boyfriend for 9 months. When we first met I had just left a very abusive relationship. We were hesitant to become involved because he's got 2 children. Needless to say we did become involved. He even separated from her for a week .. during which time he introduced me "as his girlfriend" to some of his friends and co-workers. We've had our ups and downs and worked through them. We've gone back and forth on our relationship .. he's gone back to her and I've tried to carry on with my life. This last time we got back together ... I've even met some of his family (including the children). He has told his father and sisters about us and they support him. Well, things came to a head about two weeks ago. His wife was removed from the house (for violence and intoxication). I guess this was kinda the final straw for him. He now seems very serious about divorcing. Due to her drug/alcohol habits he's given his father control of their finances. Unfortunately, due to the marriage laws in Canada he cannot bar her from the home so she's back home. For the first time he's told me he loves me. He's asked me to "hang in" and "lay low" because "in the end we'll be together". The problem I have is that he wants to get his finances in order before he goes ahead with the divorce. Which he now tells me will take a little longer. Although frustrating, I can understand that what with the children and all. I totally support him in his desire to have the children. I'm even changing my job in order to be able to help raise them when the time comes. It's just that I wonder if it'll ever happen. A part of me wants him just to leave her .. but the kids mean the world to him. Can anyone give me advice on how to encourage him? or on how to manage the wait better? thanks for your help Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 "He's asked me to "hang in" and "lay low" because "in the end we'll be together"." You are probably the 7,564,682nd woman to be in this position since homo erectus (human beings) appeared on the planet and everyone of themwas told the same thing. Until the guy gets a divorce, moves away from his wife and has been away from her for a minimum of six months, stay away and keep looking for eligible guys. The ones who followed that advice usually found others with whom they coupled and had satisfactory lives. Most of the ones who didn't either died very lonely and angry or are still waiting for the guy to leave his wife. The remaining ones got shafted because the guy eventually left his wife but refused to marry them for one reason or other. Three actually married the guy after he left his wife but were divorced later on. The greatest number of the men who promised to leave their wives when they got their finances together died while still in the process. Most of the ones who are living are still in the process and expected to die while in that mode. You are going to be a loser in this one...the 7,564,683rd one. That's OK, you won't be the last either. Link to post Share on other sites
Doreme Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Tony may sound harsh, but he was right. Stay away from the married man until his divorce is final. And dont sit there wait, make a plan to find someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I don't think you should EVER try to hurry someone up to get a divorce. Breaking up a marriage is an awful thing to do. If he wants to get a divorce, he will do so. You shouldn't encourage him in anyway. If you do, one day you will have the arguement where you hear the famous words "I left my wife and children for you." The other advisors are right. Find someone who IS available. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 [color=blue]Hey i know.... how about leaving a book on the table just non challantly sitting there.... called "So you want your boyfriend to divorce his wife but unsure how to tell him..." by Ima Snake...... that way he can subtly put 2 and 2 together.... [/color] ...... seriously tho.... leave him be..... until hes divorced and hopefully by then the next time hes telling you to "laylow" its cuz you guys are in a car doing it and he doesnt wanna get caught as well as hes legally divorced/seperated!!! good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Okay, I agree with the others that getting involved with a married person is wrong. However, that is already done. You need to decide if you want to continue this way -- you know how it makes you feel. If you do not, then think about several alternatives and how you think those would make you feel about yourself, and feel about your so-called relationship with this man. If you leave him and move on it will hurt, but you will get over him and you can feel better about yourself not being the other-woman. You can stop all contact with him and give him an ultimatum to divorce his wife in a certain time-frame before you will see him again. You can promise that during this time you will not seek out any other companionship. This way you are waiting - but you have some control over the situation and you know when that wait will end. But you have to make a commitment to yourself that at the end of the waiting period, if he has not divorced his wife, you WILL move on without him and have no more contact with him. He is the one cheating and making promises to you - he shouldn't have a problem with doing this FOR YOU. If he does then you may need to re-think being with him because he may have some problems with putting you first. Both scenarios I outlines have you not being directly involved with him right now. Whatever his finances are, he needs to deal with his obligations and commitments first (i.e. get a divorce) and worry about his finances second - there will always be money-mangement issues throughout life. I don't know how it is in Canada, but here in the USA it is the mom's who usually get custody and a cheating father gets little or nothing. The person who cheats in the marriage is the one who has to foot the bill in court -- even no-fault divorce gets around to infidelity when there is custody issues with children. Link to post Share on other sites
xdor Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Sharon: Don't leave him for now. Even if others say you are breaking a marriage, you are not. If a spouse (the wife in this case) has even been removed by law from her house for being violent, alcoholic, and drug adict, then that marriage is broken already. It is as clear as water. But be careful, though, make clear to him that he has to make a decision, and that you don't want to continue being the other woman. Maybe he needs counseling to make the decision, to get unattached to this sick woman. And if you really love him, try to help him GET AWAY FROM HIS WIFE, not GET TO YOU. Help him, not yourself. At the end, he will be with you anyway. XDor Link to post Share on other sites
Author sharon Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 I really appreciate all the advice. I am so glad that I found this site and had the courage to post a message. Look, I am not about to give up on my man .. nor am I willing to wait forever. Given everything that has happened between us I do feel he is serious about leaving (albiet somewhat scarred). I try to encourage him to feel good about himself .. I give him small keychains with encouraging phrases like "You deserve to be happy" etc. I know that the money issue is a stall tactic but if I push too hard too fast I'll drive him off. Which I'm not wanting nor willing to do. You see before I was pushing for signs of his intent and feelings and now he's openly (without prompting) telling me his them. Doesn't this count for something? Now to further complicate matters .. he has to downplay his wife's behaviour so that children's aid doesn't take them. Which I realize will cause problems later down the line in the custody hearings. At times I've been so tempted to tell his wife .. but out of respect for him I don't. Plus that would probably backfire on me. I don't know .. perhaps I should try to push to meet with his father to see the exact extent of financial problems and to see just how much his father and family knows. This would tell me alot about his intent I think? Hmm, well I guess I've still alot of thinking to do. Please any further advice is welcome. Later, Link to post Share on other sites
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