quankanne Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 I read something that struck me as true: when you have an affair with a married lover, that person gets the best of two people, while you and the spouse each only get half a person. Link to post Share on other sites
Juicy Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 ...while you and the spouse each only get half a person. I disagree. If the "you" you are refering to here is single, "you" should still be free to move on to other relationships (or at least should be). Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Should be, but if you are in an affair situation you may NOT be dating anyone else. So I do agree with the original poster. Link to post Share on other sites
Juicy Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Originally posted by AllyKat Should be, but if you are in an affair situation you may NOT be dating anyone else. So I do agree with the original poster. Yes, but you should be free to date! The one having the affair should not expect you to restrict yourself to them when they are not 'restricting' themselves to their spouse! Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 The way it appears to me is that you are getting the better half of the married lover (otherwise the affair won't last long). Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 I think all parties involved get doo-doo... Link to post Share on other sites
Juicy Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Originally posted by Skittles I think all parties involved get doo-doo... Really? Then why do so many ppl do it? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 when you have an affair with a married lover, that person gets the best of two people, while you and the spouse each only get half a person. I agree with Quanke.... you cant possibly be getting the whole person of a married lover..... neither does the spouse of a married lover.... Quankes meaning.... shes/statement is not saying that "you" single person CANT have other relationships..... shes just meaning a married lover cant possibly be offering her/his "whole" self to neither his/her lover nor spouse. And your right Skittles!!! To answer your question Juicy: Just because so many people do it doenst mean its right or wrong for that matter.... its just means that if someone gets themself into a situation of having an affair with a married person..... they can expect eventually someone will get hurt along the way, lets just hope its later or never!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Really? Then why do so many ppl do it? Rats, once having been given a reward which is very pleasing, will then endure a huge amount of pain to get that reward again. Translate 'rats' to 'people' and'reward' to 'sex' or 'affection' and there's your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Juicy I don't know why so many ppl do it? I believe that in a triangle maybe it goes something like this... Married guy meets single girl...They like each other fully knowing, or not ,that one of them is unavailable. Desire takes over....Married man lies to wife, then married man lies to girlfriend. Then wife ignores problem, maybe, and in effect lies to husband. Girlfriend lies to Married Lover, by saying, acting that everything is OK as he 1) cancels a date or 2) can't meet her at her place and she has cooked him a special meal...SO she buries her head in her pillow and cries...then vows to date the guy at Kinkos...tries to make the Married Guy Jealous etc.etc..blah blah If everybody is lying to everyone, which does happen at one point or all the time in an affair, then I stand, by my opinion only, that affairs are a steamin' pile... Juicy I don't know why so many ppl do it... Hey Lost for Words...glad to see you out today.. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Skittles - that's the 'how' of it... Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 ......moi...you gave the 'why' of it..... ..before I could... smart gal. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 the "other wo/man" is a FWB, seeking temporary fun while inbetween relationships or just not ready for one. if the "other" and the cheater don't end up emotionally involved, all three parties stay happy. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Why do so many people have affairs, even folks in "happy" marriages? Because an affair is usually intense, passionate, hyper-sexual, ultra-romantic and knock your socks off pleasurable. Marriage is to an affair as a cold cheeseburger is to a thick, hot juicy steak. Sorry, but that is often the way it is. As I've said before an affair is the crack cocaine of romance. Otherwise, why would so many settle for half a lover in an affair, unless that "half" was perceived as greater than the "whole" spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Because an affair is usually intense, passionate, hyper-sexual, ultra-romantic and knock your socks off pleasurable. An affair regenerates all that "first love" intensity and need. The secrecy and danger that go hand-in-hand with most affairs fuel those feelings. Once an affair is out in the open and the participants are free to be together, a lot of affairs simply fizzle out. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 There are many reasons for affairs, many pay-offs and many negative consequences. Nobody is better off for having had them. Is it ever worth a person spending the rest of his or her life in prison, or getting the death penalty, for murdering somebody? I think the consequences of having an affair are never worth the strange that was obtained. If somebody feels the need to stray, they ought to get psychological counselling or a divorce and stay single. There are a LOT of temptations in the world. I suppose it's easier to succumb to the temptations of an affair than the temptation to rob a bank. But the hell to pay is very similar. I supposed locked up in the interior of the brain somewhere is the desire to have immediate gratification at any price than to have long term peace of mind. It doesn't make sense but I didn't design the brain so I take no responsibility for the way other people act. But it's ridiculous to divide up who gets what half of what in an affair. Nobody really gets anything. It's a mess, a horrible mess. In the end, everybody around is severely punished for the stupidity of two selfish, ignorant people. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 i've heard of many instances where a man has an affair and is smart about it (i.e. a good liar), and the affair comes and goes and the wife never finds out. in this case, nobody's messed up, as long as the other woman is aware that it's only temporary, etc. i wonder how many marriages are cheating-free. i suspect very very few. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Once an affair is out in the open and the participants are free to be together, a lot of affairs simply fizzle out. That's very true, cdn. Once the "outlaw" relationship is over, the thrill is gone. Affairs are fantasies in motion--but ones with potentially devastating consequences for all in their wake. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 I read something that struck me as true: when you have an affair with a married lover, that person gets the best of two people, while you and the spouse each only get half a person. I heard several interesting things from various psychiatrists last night while watching a documentary on the very subject. The first statement made by a professional that struck me as "true," was his comment on how affairs are often incorrectly defined as "relationships" by those who are caught up in them as a way of convincing themselves that they are somehow one step above what they actually are ... adulterers. Particularly by females who would otherwise feel used, less respected, and even ‘cheapened’ by the idea of becoming “the other woman.” Another point which made much sense was the explanation that affairs were a form of sexual addiction…and that sexual addictions are actually DRUG addictions. The drug of choice is the euphoric and intoxicating flood of chemicals, such as dopamine and norepinphrine, that are naturally produced by the brain in the beginning stages of sexual attraction. Some are even addicted to the adrenalin thrill experienced when engaging in dangerous or risky behavior. Unlike relationships, affairs seldom develop beyond the initial stages of sexual attraction because the two people involved are rarely exposed to the ‘real life’ situations that challenge most couples. Because they never really get to know each other (especially the more unpleasant aspects of their personalities and habits), they are able to sustain their fantasy of the perfect partner…or “soul mate.’ At the same time, they become co-dependants who mutually rely on the other’s constant state of denial. Reality is the antidote that would ultimately end their chemically induced nirvana should it be allowed to rear its ugly head. One doctor even went on to say that people who habitually engage in affairs may actually have an “impulse control disorder” and are not capable of self-censor or good judgment. And that their inability to practice self-denial often carries over into other aspects of their lives…that they usually indulge in other addictions as well. In short, they have no “stop button” when it comes to responding to their basic primordial urges…Something to do with an imbalance in the brain’s frontal lobes; as once pointed out by one of our LS regulars. They went on to say, like any addiction, the addict can only recover or remove themselves from the situation if the pain and consequences of their actions become greater than the pain and consequence of quitting. Until the adulterer (or addict) suffers great consequence, then there is no incentive to change or alter their behavior. I don’t know…in spite of all the clinical explanations and psychiatric mumbo-jumbo…it still has done little to foster any feelings of sympathy in me regarding affairs and those who engage in them. Perhaps I still need a little more convincing, but until then I will stand ONLY in support of those innocent victims who have become unfair casualties of someone else’s bad behavior…whether it be caused by some chemical addiction; psychological malfunction; brain short-circuit, or just plain human selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 The ex-wife of a friend of ours once told me that she only dated married men unless she was looking to settle down. She said she didnt' have to put up with any of the day-to-day responsibilities and stress and all of the time spent with the various married men were "quality" time. I asked her about the wives and she said she didn't care one bit about them. Of course, she didn't care about anyone but herself. Her ex-husband has moved on to a very happy and satisfying marriage and the last we heard about her is that she spent all the money she got from him and is still single. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Perhaps I still need a little more convincing, but until then I will stand ONLY in support of those innocent victims who have become unfair casualties of someone else’s bad behavior…whether it be caused by some chemical addiction; psychological malfunction; brain short-circuit, or just plain human selfishness. I completely agree, no matter how much sh*t I take from certain parties for it. Yes, any addiction, including becoming addicted to one's own endorphins, is sad. However, it means that people should educate themselves about how to avoid the addiction in the first place in order to save themselves and everybody around them the pain of dealing with the effects. You can NOT be 'just a friend' with a married person once you start finding that you like that person a LOT. You have to give up some friendships in order to avoid the trap of an affair. However, I suppose there will always be people like the one Hokey described who care for nobody but themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 I completely agree, no matter how much sh*t I take from certain parties for it. Yes, any addiction, including becoming addicted to one's own endorphins, is sad. However, it means that people should educate themselves about how to avoid the addiction in the first place in order to save themselves and everybody around them the pain of dealing with the effects. Yes, affairs are bad and so are the people who engage in them. On behalf of all the evil, selfish, misguided, addicted and dysfunctional people who ever, ever cheated, I apologize to all the good, right thinking and upright LS moral guardians. If we didn't exist you would have to invent us. Otherwise, how else would you ever feel so smug and self-satisfied. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Oh Bark, I cringed when I read some of the posts because I thought of you...I reread mine and realized that I probably sound like a relationship talk-show refugee.. I just worry about a friend of mine who is headed in this direction and I can't help her!...so spouting is my therapy as well as what I feel in my heart. I am not crazy about the triangle because its hurtful and I know you know that. I want to state loud and clear that although I don't support the behavior, I support the person(s). Please know that only my support and understanding is on hand for ANYONE needing it and NOT my judgement...because heaven knows I have my own messes to deal with and I am no picnic myself.. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 It's about having standards for oneself and expecting oneself to live up to those standards. Everybody can slip, but if you excuse away the slip until it becomes meaningless, then the standards go out the window and all of a sudden there's no more guilt about damaging others left. People ought not hurt people. Period. That is not excessively moralistic - it's the barest minimum of decency. This does not mean that one cannot understand that people slip up - but it is no favour to anybody to wipe out all guilt for the slip-up. Just because people who have been in that situation may wish to avoid the pain of accepting blame does not mean that they ought not do it. Remorse is a catalyst for better behaviour in the future. If you forgive yourself for having damaged others, eventually you'll do it again because you allow yourself to. There are people who think that this is all black-and-white. It is not; it is possible to love the sinner, and still hate the sin and require that the sinner sin no more - to use churchy terminology. It is only people who cannot separate humans from their actions that can't understand that condemning the action is NOT the same as condemning the person. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 So many people have affairs because they are selfish. Fullstop. They want it all. They want commitment, with no commitment, they want devotion for them, but are not willing to give any in return. No one in an affair gets the best of anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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