Forget him or forget him.....

[that_gal]

8 years ago, we began an online friendship. He was married as well as me. We formed an incredible friendship that eventually led to meeting. We maintained a very close email relationship. Occasionally chats and constant phone calls. I got pregnant by my DH, our relationship quickly became platonic only. It wasn't talked about a whole lot on why our romantic relationship ended, we both knew in our hearts it was best to do so, given the situation. About 8 - 10 months into the platonic relationship, we decided it was best to stop the 'emotional affair', about 6 months later, I contacted him to see how he was, what was going on in his life. We spoke about keeping in touch, but agreed to keep it platonic. About a year into this decision, we agreed to meet up for dinner and a movie. We did agree to share a hotel room, but were very upfront about what each others expectations were. We did not have sex, kiss or have any contact other than a hug. We actually even slept in the same bed. (Later admitting to each other how incredibly difficult it was to be that close and both of us wanting each other!) Eventually, we ended the platonic relationship again, deciding it was getting to emotionally involved again. Eventually, .... we started back up the friendship. This time it was different from the on again and off again relationships we had had in the past. He was more open, honest about his feelings, and seemed to know what he wanted. Well, needless to say, about 5 months into the relationship and after another visit, he decided to tell his wife, and ask for a separation. I knew he was not happy and most likely was sticking around for the sake of his children. (Which were now, obviously older) I never expected the email I got from him telling me told his wife. Nor did I expect his honesty when he told me that I was NOT the only woman he had an affair with, and that there was one other before me. (He had told me that I was the only one, aside from his wife, he had ever been with) He told me that he needed to reset and decide what he needed to do with his life and that while he was doing that, he could no longer continue the relationship as we had been going, but did want to keep in touch. I was truly devastated, it all came out of the blue for me. I never anticipated him leaving his wife, and wasn't sure exactly why he had done so. He told me in earlier conversation that he was ready to leave, and now I feel like he was trying to see where I was emotionally with that thought. I admitted that my situation would be easier to leave now. But we always agreed to never pressure each other or influence each other where our marriages were concerned. I know that sounds completely absurd given the situation, but we made that work) In 8 years, we slept together only 3 times. But we truly do love each other. Maybe I'm being completely niave when I say that he loves me. I don't know, anymore. But the truth is, I can't stop thinking about him. He consumes my every thought. I've had very minimal conversation with him via email since this all happened, and I know he doesn't want this secrecy between us anymore. I'm having a very hard time adjusting to the 'cold turkey' he is able to do this time. I know I should focus on other things in my life, and I am trying. But I feel like half of my heart is missing. In the meantime, my husband found emails we had sent each other in the past, and we have separated. A part of me is relieved, because I never could have hurt him by admitting to the affair. However, I'm torn. I've never truly been in love with my husband, not like I have him. Our relationship was different. I feel like our love was/is genuine and real.

 

I know I'm a complete POS for 'ruining' a marriage. I feel like the lowest form of low for hurting my husband and his wife the way we have. In the past 8 years depression has taken a hold of me for what we have done. I justified it by convincing myself it was different, it was really love. I'm now confused and wondering if I even know what love is..... I wanted for him to tell me it was all about sex with me, that he never really loved me. But he couldn't do that. He insists that he will always love me.

 

I don't know that I could ever trust him again given the other affair he admitted to before me. I'm torn between trying to make my marriage work and forget him. Or move on with my life as a single parent and forget him. Either way, I know it involves 'forgetting him', but I am having a difficult time in doing so. One night I cry myself to sleep for hurting my husband, the next night for hurting his wife, the next night its for the pain of losing him and not knowing what tomorrow br:sick:ings. How in the world can I get over this?! My heart is breaking and I am having a hard time functioning at work, home and communicating with others. No one knew of this affair, and now...everyone knows. I feel dirty, forbidden, sad, guilty, pissed off, etc,....I never could have anticipated that in one day my 'perfect' little world would have came crashing down around me. I think I am going through every emotion known to man, cycling so rapidly I can't get control of it. How do I forget him and shift my focus when I don't want to?!?!

[that_gal]

Yes, I'm positive he has left his wife, and your right. We do live 300 miles apart. There is a tremendous amount of guilt on both our parts. Its hard to regret something that felt so right at the time. And while I am trying to make the best decision for myself and my children, as he is, I miss him. (And yes! We should of made better decisions long ago and never started an affair) Whats done is done.

 

Thank you. I do think I need counseling. I would never recommend anyone having an affair. Ever. EVERYONE gets hurt in the process. No matter how much you plan on keeping it "FWB", "NSA" it don't work. It breaks hearts all around.

[findingnemo]

8 years ago, we began an online friendship. He was married as well as me. We formed an incredible friendship that eventually led to meeting. We maintained a very close email relationship. Occasionally chats and constant phone calls. I got pregnant by my DH, our relationship quickly became platonic only. It wasn't talked about a whole lot on why our romantic relationship ended, we both knew in our hearts it was best to do so, given the situation. About 8 - 10 months into the platonic relationship, we decided it was best to stop the 'emotional affair', about 6 months later, I contacted him to see how he was, what was going on in his life. We spoke about keeping in touch, but agreed to keep it platonic. About a year into this decision, we agreed to meet up for dinner and a movie. We did agree to share a hotel room, but were very upfront about what each others expectations were. We did not have sex, kiss or have any contact other than a hug. We actually even slept in the same bed. (Later admitting to each other how incredibly difficult it was to be that close and both of us wanting each other!) Eventually, we ended the platonic relationship again, deciding it was getting to emotionally involved again. Eventually, .... we started back up the friendship. This time it was different from the on again and off again relationships we had had in the past. He was more open, honest about his feelings, and seemed to know what he wanted. Well, needless to say, about 5 months into the relationship and after another visit, he decided to tell his wife, and ask for a separation. I knew he was not happy and most likely was sticking around for the sake of his children. (Which were now, obviously older) I never expected the email I got from him telling me told his wife. Nor did I expect his honesty when he told me that I was NOT the only woman he had an affair with, and that there was one other before me. (He had told me that I was the only one, aside from his wife, he had ever been with) He told me that he needed to reset and decide what he needed to do with his life and that while he was doing that, he could no longer continue the relationship as we had been going, but did want to keep in touch. I was truly devastated, it all came out of the blue for me. I never anticipated him leaving his wife, and wasn't sure exactly why he had done so. He told me in earlier conversation that he was ready to leave, and now I feel like he was trying to see where I was emotionally with that thought. I admitted that my situation would be easier to leave now. But we always agreed to never pressure each other or influence each other where our marriages were concerned. I know that sounds completely absurd given the situation, but we made that work) In 8 years, we slept together only 3 times. But we truly do love each other. Maybe I'm being completely niave when I say that he loves me. I don't know, anymore. But the truth is, I can't stop thinking about him. He consumes my every thought. I've had very minimal conversation with him via email since this all happened, and I know he doesn't want this secrecy between us anymore. I'm having a very hard time adjusting to the 'cold turkey' he is able to do this time. I know I should focus on other things in my life, and I am trying. But I feel like half of my heart is missing. In the meantime, my husband found emails we had sent each other in the past, and we have separated. A part of me is relieved, because I never could have hurt him by admitting to the affair. However, I'm torn. I've never truly been in love with my husband, not like I have him. Our relationship was different. I feel like our love was/is genuine and real.

 

I know I'm a complete POS for 'ruining' a marriage. I feel like the lowest form of low for hurting my husband and his wife the way we have. In the past 8 years depression has taken a hold of me for what we have done. I justified it by convincing myself it was different, it was really love. I'm now confused and wondering if I even know what love is..... I wanted for him to tell me it was all about sex with me, that he never really loved me. But he couldn't do that. He insists that he will always love me.

 

I don't know that I could ever trust him again given the other affair he admitted to before me. I'm torn between trying to make my marriage work and forget him. Or move on with my life as a single parent and forget him. Either way, I know it involves 'forgetting him', but I am having a difficult time in doing so. One night I cry myself to sleep for hurting my husband, the next night for hurting his wife, the next night its for the pain of losing him and not knowing what tomorrow br:sick:ings. How in the world can I get over this?! My heart is breaking and I am having a hard time functioning at work, home and communicating with others. No one knew of this affair, and now...everyone knows. I feel dirty, forbidden, sad, guilty, pissed off, etc,....I never could have anticipated that in one day my 'perfect' little world would have came crashing down around me. I think I am going through every emotion known to man, cycling so rapidly I can't get control of it. How do I forget him and shift my focus when I don't want to?!?!

 

Hi that_gal,

 

A very sad story...how do you forget him even though all you think about is him? First of all, he has cut all contact with you for now. You don't really have a choice and can only accept it. He seems like a good guy being that he came clean to his W and seems to be seeking a resolution. The fact that he and another A at some point may or may not be important. The reason I say this is that it seems that his M had issues and that perhaps having an A was at first his way of dealing with this. Of course having an A to avoid domestic problems is not a solution but it happens all the time. So I suggest that you should not worry very much about the OOW, if that's what she was.

 

Do you really think you can just decide to work on your M and forge forward regardless of your feelings? IME, it is almost impossible for a good outcome. I was sure I loved xMM more than I ever loved H. There was no doubt in my mind about who I'd be with given the choice. During my M, my H was incredibly hurt to know that he was my second choice. It wasn't fair on him to expect him to continue knowing this. Do you think you could overcome your love for xMM and put your H first, both in your mind and in your heart? I tried to do that. When I realized that my heart was not complying with my commands, I figured that as long as I kept my true feelings hidden and didn't have a PA, my H would believe when I told him I loved him and that all would be ok. Well, it wasn't. For one thing, he didn't believe me. I asked myself if I expected to live another 50 or so years in a lie. I was sad all the time. Intimacy with H was almost non-existent. I was living a lie and I wasn't comfortable.

 

I'm separated now and have been for almost 3 years. I'm not living a lie anymore, trying to convince someone I love him more than xMM. I'm not in a PA either and I have more control of where I want to go. I, like you, want to stop loving xMM because all it does is bring me sorrow. I can't have him the way I want. I don't want him the way he is. I want to be free and to move on to a future love, a better prospect. I'm stuck yet life is much less complicated because I'm on my own. MissBee said, in another thread, that there is nothing wrong with loving someone. What would be wrong is for you to stay married to someone you don't love exclusively. It's not fair on him and it'll cause you untold stress.

 

I know how distressing it is right now for you. I would suggest you give yourself time to work out in your mind what to do based on what is real. Once you are clear about the reality, you'll be able to decide what to focus on and how to move forward. (((((hugs)))))

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:

 

 

I am sorry you are dealing with so much. The pain natural. It’s a part of the process even though it’s the part most of use would like to skip. It’s ok to feel what your feeling and it’s healthy to try and work through it not run from it. Everyone now knows about the affair. Perfect. Look at it as a freedom from the lies you’ve lived. Both of you are free.

 

I will say that coming clean with you was the right thing to do. I know that you are hurt but it seems that he respected you enough to tell you the truth. He didn’t choose to lie to you. Just try and look at it from another perspective. It is hurtful but it is honest.

 

You are a woman who’s getting the chance to live an honest life and not a lie. Try to use this time to work on things you have always wanted to do but didn’t. It won’t be easy to forget your husband or affair partner but try and focus on you now. Also try and invest more time into your children use what you hold most dear to you to help with the depression.

 

Be optimistic. Keep your chin up.

[that_gal]

@ Emme, thank you! Your words spoke volumes to me! I honestly didn't think posting here would give me any advice, other than raging MW telling me what a home wrecking whore I am.

 

We have LC, at this time, I don't know that deleting emails, and cell phone numbers would do any good. I have all his memorized. Knowing he is stronger willed than I am, I did ask him to block me from his emails and cell phone. He didn't. And to be quite honest, I don't know that I'm ready for NC at all. Ugh! So difficult.

 

There is very little LC. Two weeks ago when my H found some emails, I informed him. And have not heard from him other than his response from that telling me how sorry he was. However today, I was shocked to check my email and have a "quick one" just to check on me and see how I was doing. Reading that email made me go right back to day one of LC, which is pretty close to NC.

 

This is a whole new kind of lonely to me. I'm very outgoing in my career, my community and friends. NO ONE could have imagined this was going on. Now that H knows, I've pretty much went into seclusion except for the things I have to do. Its a dirty secret to begin with, when it comes out and everyone knows, you begin to feel like an evil monster that no one wants to touch. I have found avoiding all of them is allowing me to avoid the "I'm sorry's" or "Why did you separate?" Or even the unknown. Being around people who know but act like they don't. I feel like a real live version of Desperate Housewives. Crazy! I've found avoidance is just easier. I hope this goes away and at some point I can proudly be a confidant woman again!