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Update : One Year Since The Affair Ended


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Former single OM to a exMW...

 

I wasn't sure if I wanted to to post this but after some reflection and soul-searching, I decided to write down where I've been since my affair with exMW ended back in October, 2010. LS was the only place I could turn to and I am forever grateful for all the wisdom and inspiration everyone has shared on the forums.

 

A lot of what I have seen in myself has been a mixture of pain, happiness, sadness, empathy, apathy and as of now serenity.

 

Being involved in LDR with exMW at that point in my life provided so much strength and happiness because I had quite frankly been unhappy with things going on in my life that it was just the perfect catalyst when we began communicating.

 

I no longer have any fear about not seeing her again or whats to come, I've come to accept that everything that happened couldn't of happened any other way because I am now here, above and beyond the man I was when it ended.

 

It took a lot of understanding from my own perspective and realizing that it wasn't an easy choice to end it for her or I, no matter how strong the connection & feelings were, it was the right choice for us.

 

At first the feeling of betrayal, thinking how she could just disappear haunted me, her face, smell, voice, etc lingered for the first few weeks and slowly faded. I would think about her every other minute, about what she might be feeling, hearing a song or something that would remind me of it all. I wanted closure so badly and now I realize closure is in me, finding peace became more of what I wanted, peace within myself.

 

Now, it comes and goes, she's still there in the back of my mind but it's more silence and soft, less audible or visual. When she broke contact to e-mail me, it did set me back a bit but I stayed true to myself and did not respond. I feel as though I staying strong, I've shown that I cared more about her than she might ever know and how much I loved her, because I knew it was the right thing to do, give her silence. Silence to perhaps eventually face herself, find herself as I have.

 

In a years time, I am back in school going for my undergrad after years of being out, drastically overhauled my health, reconnected with friends, discovered & rediscovered parts of myself that were hidden and quite frankly it was that passion that I shared with her on an emotional & physical level that helped me see things clearly. In some ways, the ending of our EA/PA was the beginning of the Man I was always meant to be but life experiences took me down another path, now I am finally on the path that was always ahead.

 

I still take my part of the responsibility for helping someone in a affair situation and I continue to atone for by trying to help myself & others on LS and in everyday life as much as I can.

 

For those OM/OW that are still active with MW/MM or healing from it, please know that nothing in life is forever or absolute, you can make it out alive as long as you believe in yourself, you have to just live life and know that sometimes taking a chance is worth the risk to find yourself and weathering the storm of pain & emotions will help you become a stronger person in the end.

 

I have no doubt based upon what I saw of exMW in her e-mail and what I've learned on LS that she has a lot to deal with even a year after the affair happened. It's not easy to pull the plug on a marriage, I don't blame her for not leaving anymore, no matter what the status or circumstances and in a lot of ways, I'm glad she didn't just decide to run off with me into the sunset. She did what she had to do to protect herself and I find no fault in that, especially when a BS and a stepchild are involved.

 

It could have ended much worse than it did, guilt & regret can be equally painful as peace & understanding with those kinds of outcomes. Sometimes making a choice isn't easy but you have to do something or else the default choice kicks in and you are left stuck, going nowhere with no direction, always choose what is best for everyone in the end when it involves the heart.

 

 

Never lose hope in your life...things can get better once you accept & learn from your past.

 

 

Also, a big thank you to everyone involved with LS, this place saved my life, literally! :)

 

-FC

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Former single OM to a exMW...

 

I wasn't sure if I wanted to to post this but after some reflection and soul-searching, I decided to write down where I've been since my affair with exMW ended back in October, 2010. LS was the only place I could turn to and I am forever grateful for all the wisdom and inspiration everyone has shared on the forums.

 

A lot of what I have seen in myself has been a mixture of pain, happiness, sadness, empathy, apathy and as of now serenity.

 

Being involved in LDR with exMW at that point in my life provided so much strength and happiness because I had quite frankly been unhappy with things going on in my life that it was just the perfect catalyst when we began communicating.

 

I no longer have any fear about not seeing her again or whats to come, I've come to accept that everything that happened couldn't of happened any other way because I am now here, above and beyond the man I was when it ended.

 

It took a lot of understanding from my own perspective and realizing that it wasn't an easy choice to end it for her or I, no matter how strong the connection & feelings were, it was the right choice for us.

 

At first the feeling of betrayal, thinking how she could just disappear haunted me, her face, smell, voice, etc lingered for the first few weeks and slowly faded. I would think about her every other minute, about what she might be feeling, hearing a song or something that would remind me of it all. I wanted closure so badly and now I realize closure is in me, finding peace became more of what I wanted, peace within myself.

 

Now, it comes and goes, she's still there in the back of my mind but it's more silence and soft, less audible or visual. When she broke contact to e-mail me, it did set me back a bit but I stayed true to myself and did not respond. I feel as though I staying strong, I've shown that I cared more about her than she might ever know and how much I loved her, because I knew it was the right thing to do, give her silence. Silence to perhaps eventually face herself, find herself as I have.

 

In a years time, I am back in school going for my undergrad after years of being out, drastically overhauled my health, reconnected with friends, discovered & rediscovered parts of myself that were hidden and quite frankly it was that passion that I shared with her on an emotional & physical level that helped me see things clearly. In some ways, the ending of our EA/PA was the beginning of the Man I was always meant to be but life experiences took me down another path, now I am finally on the path that was always ahead.

 

I still take my part of the responsibility for helping someone in a affair situation and I continue to atone for by trying to help myself & others on LS and in everyday life as much as I can.

 

For those OM/OW that are still active with MW/MM or healing from it, please know that nothing in life is forever or absolute, you can make it out alive as long as you believe in yourself, you have to just live life and know that sometimes taking a chance is worth the risk to find yourself and weathering the storm of pain & emotions will help you become a stronger person in the end.

 

I have no doubt based upon what I saw of exMW in her e-mail and what I've learned on LS that she has a lot to deal with even a year after the affair happened. It's not easy to pull the plug on a marriage, I don't blame her for not leaving anymore, no matter what the status or circumstances and in a lot of ways, I'm glad she didn't just decide to run off with me into the sunset. She did what she had to do to protect herself and I find no fault in that, especially when a BS and a stepchild are involved.

 

It could have ended much worse than it did, guilt & regret can be equally painful as peace & understanding with those kinds of outcomes. Sometimes making a choice isn't easy but you have to do something or else the default choice kicks in and you are left stuck, going nowhere with no direction, always choose what is best for everyone in the end when it involves the heart.

 

 

Never lose hope in your life...things can get better once you accept & learn from your past.

 

 

Also, a big thank you to everyone involved with LS, this place saved my life, literally! :)

 

-FC

 

Hello FC.

 

You put all that so very well. It's great that you are feeling serene. One day serenity will descend up on me too.

 

At the moment I am struggling with some first anniversaries and an overture from xMM for contact.

 

I would dearly love to know how he is and I feel that the last 9 months have been a silent hell for him in his marriage. He mentioned anniversaries too.

 

However, I am ignoring his request. It could lead nowhere. He chose to stay in his marriage .

 

HOpe your future is great.

 

GG

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Never lose hope in your life...things can get better once you accept & learn from your past.

 

 

Also, a big thank you to everyone involved with LS, this place saved my life, literally! :)

 

-FC

 

Hi FC,

 

I'm happy for your mate. I have been following everything since the beginning.

 

I want to "ditto" your phrase : Things do get much better and sometimes we find even better. Look, you are single, no baggage, free as a bird to start a new relationship from scratch. You learned relationship skills from the A and how to decrypt a woman. Believe me, when you start a normal relationship, it is sooo much "simplier" than dealing with an A. I feel like I can be far more seductive and read their mind after the A :)

 

I have found a kind of new taste of life since the A ended, met other people, travel, done things I have neglected. It is like going out of an emotional prison.

 

I do think about xMW often enough but frankly I don't care about what she is doing in her life or how her marriage is going. That is the latter of my concerns. I know she really loved me but she owns her life and her choices so I'm in peace with that. Acceptance is the key to move on. I don't spend my time anymore analyzing her choices, I learned my lesson, chapter closed, time for a new journey.

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Hey FC.

 

You've come a long way and should be proud of yourself. I admire you for your introspection and how you've taken the positive side of knowing her, despite the guilt and pain you've been through. It seems that you're coming out the other side now. It takes so long, huh? :-/ When I think back to how I felt a year, or even two years ago, it's bizarre to me. I still think about him, but the wistful recollections of him, and us, are no longer pangs to be with him. In fact, like you, I see how messed up he was and still is - that would have been mine to deal with and then some.

 

It's gonna get even better. I'm starting to see that now and I like it :) You still have your wonderful heart, though a little damaged, and it will heal and move on.

 

Here's to the future :bunny:

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Time does certainly heal if you let go and accept it's over. I echo everything that was said. I've been lucky enough to not have any contact but I'm at a place if she did try I wouldn't respond. I love posts like this and when I was in the middle of storm...I enjoyed reading these kind of posts and dreamed of being out of all the drama.

 

Now that I am out of it and it's been a long time for me as well...I enjoy seeing the growth and journey of people who finally got it and for those who are in the middle of it can see there is hope in the future for them.

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Thanks so much for posting, and I welled up a bit when you described your initial feelings, as I can relate, and so can many others. I'm still healing, it's one day at a time. I can honestly say, I have never hurt so much in my life. First time and only time with a MM. I think it's just the battle with me, I blamed myself for being so stupid, but then realised I just had to let go, gain some peace. As everyday passes I do think of him less, but he is still there in my heart, I know that. I hoping this time next year I will feel the same as you, until then, I'm staying away from any kind of romantic relationship with single guys. My heart is heavy, and the thought of opening up again is just too much, I know one day I will get there. In the meantime its all about me, building my self esteem again and throwing myself into life to improve my future. Thanks again for sharing.

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I'm staying away from any kind of romantic relationship with single guys. My heart is heavy, and the thought of opening up again is just too much, I know one day I will get there. In the meantime its all about me, building my self esteem again and throwing myself into life to improve my future. Thanks again for sharing.
This is very good to read. I know last year at this time I had a very heavy heart. I would go out on dates however was unable to emotionally engage. I finally gave that up and learned to work on me. I kinda like the no drama life right now. Sounds like your heading in the right direction.
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MorningCoffee
Former single OM to a exMW...

 

I wasn't sure if I wanted to to post this but after some reflection and soul-searching, I decided to write down where I've been since my affair with exMW ended back in October, 2010. LS was the only place I could turn to and I am forever grateful for all the wisdom and inspiration everyone has shared on the forums.

 

A lot of what I have seen in myself has been a mixture of pain, happiness, sadness, empathy, apathy and as of now serenity.

 

Being involved in LDR with exMW at that point in my life provided so much strength and happiness because I had quite frankly been unhappy with things going on in my life that it was just the perfect catalyst when we began communicating.

 

I no longer have any fear about not seeing her again or whats to come, I've come to accept that everything that happened couldn't of happened any other way because I am now here, above and beyond the man I was when it ended.

 

It took a lot of understanding from my own perspective and realizing that it wasn't an easy choice to end it for her or I, no matter how strong the connection & feelings were, it was the right choice for us.

 

At first the feeling of betrayal, thinking how she could just disappear haunted me, her face, smell, voice, etc lingered for the first few weeks and slowly faded. I would think about her every other minute, about what she might be feeling, hearing a song or something that would remind me of it all. I wanted closure so badly and now I realize closure is in me, finding peace became more of what I wanted, peace within myself.

 

Now, it comes and goes, she's still there in the back of my mind but it's more silence and soft, less audible or visual. When she broke contact to e-mail me, it did set me back a bit but I stayed true to myself and did not respond. I feel as though I staying strong, I've shown that I cared more about her than she might ever know and how much I loved her, because I knew it was the right thing to do, give her silence. Silence to perhaps eventually face herself, find herself as I have.

 

In a years time, I am back in school going for my undergrad after years of being out, drastically overhauled my health, reconnected with friends, discovered & rediscovered parts of myself that were hidden and quite frankly it was that passion that I shared with her on an emotional & physical level that helped me see things clearly. In some ways, the ending of our EA/PA was the beginning of the Man I was always meant to be but life experiences took me down another path, now I am finally on the path that was always ahead.

 

I still take my part of the responsibility for helping someone in a affair situation and I continue to atone for by trying to help myself & others on LS and in everyday life as much as I can.

 

For those OM/OW that are still active with MW/MM or healing from it, please know that nothing in life is forever or absolute, you can make it out alive as long as you believe in yourself, you have to just live life and know that sometimes taking a chance is worth the risk to find yourself and weathering the storm of pain & emotions will help you become a stronger person in the end.

 

I have no doubt based upon what I saw of exMW in her e-mail and what I've learned on LS that she has a lot to deal with even a year after the affair happened. It's not easy to pull the plug on a marriage, I don't blame her for not leaving anymore, no matter what the status or circumstances and in a lot of ways, I'm glad she didn't just decide to run off with me into the sunset. She did what she had to do to protect herself and I find no fault in that, especially when a BS and a stepchild are involved.

 

It could have ended much worse than it did, guilt & regret can be equally painful as peace & understanding with those kinds of outcomes. Sometimes making a choice isn't easy but you have to do something or else the default choice kicks in and you are left stuck, going nowhere with no direction, always choose what is best for everyone in the end when it involves the heart.

 

 

Never lose hope in your life...things can get better once you accept & learn from your past.

 

 

Also, a big thank you to everyone involved with LS, this place saved my life, literally! :)

 

-FC

 

Thank you for posting this, FC. Very heartening.

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Never lose hope in your life...things can get better once you accept & learn from your past.

 

So does this mean you are going to stay away from married women?

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It's been a long time since I've posted on this site, but this post really made me feel good. I've been in NC for 4 months after being in an A for over 3 years. In the past, we had broken up more times than I'd care to admit. 3 months NC has always been the longest until one of us always cracked. He had even left his wife and family for a period of time. I truly thought we were going to walk through life together. I have finally accepted that this will not happen and that it wasn't meant to be. I still think about him every day but know that we'd never make it even if given another chance. I loved him more than anything I've ever known but never want to go back to the way things were. I'm finally realizing that I was never truly happy with him. Life is so much simpler without the A dynamic. I'm getting better each day, but memories of us never seem to completely leave my soul. I'm learning to cope with this and feel stronger than I have since before the A started. Thanks for this post FC, it's nice to know that others are at the same stage as me. Slowly but surely, I'm moving on and it's nice hearing from others who are making it too. It gives me strength...

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All of your messages here are wonderful. So much healing, grace, self-love and no condemnation for the OM or OW. I just pulled the plug on a 2.5 yr affair. I am coping by increasing my yoga practice to 6 days per week. This brings peace, physical exercise every day, calm and space for self-love and something new. I too am gaining strength and comfort from the comments on LS but it's not easy. I take hope from all of your messages and experiences. Thank you and be well. Keep healing everyone.

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At first the feeling of betrayal, thinking how she could just disappear haunted me, her face, smell, voice, etc lingered for the first few weeks and slowly faded. I would think about her every other minute, about what she might be feeling, hearing a song or something that would remind me of it all. I wanted closure so badly and now I realize closure is in me, finding peace became more of what I wanted, peace within myself.

 

 

Great Post FC. Most of the times things have a positive angle. She left and that gave you the opportunity to move on to become a better man. Is she hadn't left you would have probably got stuck in the same things, running in circles and feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I would say that being involved with a MP is, by definition, a toxic A especially if the OM/OW is single. The risks are so much is really not worth the passion, excitment etc. Furthermore, these risks might easily leave scars that could haunt you for a really long time.

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No it's more fun to endlessly and compulsively romanticize ridiculously immature illicit cheating relationships, which although supposedly ended a year ago, he thinks about ten million times a day.

 

For goodness sake the way FC describes his "exMW" (sounds better than "exslut" I guess), she sounds absolutely horrid, based on what she did her H and to FC himself.

 

But after all a woman who cheats on her husband, how likely is it she will NOT be a horrid person? The same goes for men who cheat too, obviously.

 

OK, maybe she was a total b1tch, then what ?

 

FC is mostly talking about his feelings, how he processed the whole deception. He is till giving her some excuses, that's true, but people want to forgive and have positive thoughts. It is a coping reaction to closure and moving on.

 

Everyone has different coping mechanisms, some need to see their exes as good people, some want to see them as evils...It depends which works best for them.

 

I have seen IRL people who live with hate and anger towards their exes, guess what,.. they are the one's who are still thinking about their exes and are unable to close the chapter. Still living with stupid WHY WHY WHY she/he did that to me?

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I have seen IRL people who live with hate and anger towards their exes, guess what,.. they are the one's who are still thinking about their exes and are unable to close the chapter. Still living with stupid WHY WHY WHY she/he did that to me?

 

Totally agree East7. My exMW shows so much resentment, anger and cold towards me, it makes me wonder what she is feeling inside.

 

I hurt inside yes but I have no hard feelings nor blame her for not leaving her H.

 

Guess who is having the most difficult time coping?

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To everyone that has responded to my post, I appreciate your thoughts & feedback and I wish you guys well on your journey, just keep your head high and smile...good things are around the corner! :)

 

 

In retrospect I'm sure there are many negative things that could be said or perspective where I demonize exMW and point fingers but it's not necessary, I've owned that part of the post-affair feelings as I began to work through them both introspectively and outwardly.

 

I would gain nothing in being spiteful, I am equally responsible for the affair, therefore I take just as much blame as the exMW.

 

Being angry over something that has been over for a year, especially when I haven't faltered or relapsed back into the affair, serves me no real purpose now because I am at a place of peace & serenity with my life and where it is going.

 

The exMW also had a hard time trying to cope with her feelings months later, it was obvious from her e-mail. It is a sad thing but at the same time it's something she will have to work through on her own as well, she has a lesson to learn and I am no longer part of the equation.

 

Letting go and moving on, no matter the cost is the main goal in reaching the balance in your life, so you can go on to do better things and find new love...when you are ready, it's what I've truly come to believe. :)

 

Godspeed.

 

-FC

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I feel pretty much the same way you do. There has been sporadic contact between MM and me for the past three and a half years. Just idle chit-chat, as far as I'm concerned. There have been times that he intimated that the things that happened were not what he wished to have happened, but so what? The end result is the same. Congratulations on a year!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I wish we could keep this thread going a bit longer, I know it's been lost for a couple weeks...this is the only one I can relate to right now. Fight Club, are you still around?

 

I know that I'm in a better place than I've been in a long time, but for some reason, I'm having a hard time tonight (and this entire week, for that matter). xMM and I have been in LC for the last 1.5 years and strict NC for the last 5.5 months (the longest NC ever). It's been about 4 years since this whole affair began. He left his W and children for 3 months and we were never able to make the transition into living a life happily ever after together.

 

I'm relieved we never made the decision to walk through life together. It would have been a disaster. His children need him in their lives full time. Something would have always been missing in both of their lives. I know we made the right decision walking away from each other, but it still hurts like hell...even nearly a half year later.

 

I've read this opening thread a dozen times over the last couple weeks, especially when I'm feeling weak wanting to contact him. We're not right for each other. But, for some reason, I'm having such a hard time moving on. I still love him more than anything, but I know we can't be together, it would never work.

 

The thing that keeps me strong is knowing that his children are benefiting from me staying away and in a round about way, I'm hoping that he is benefitting from my absence, as well. I was such a weak person when I was with him. Despite my impulses to contact him, I know I'm in a much better place.

 

I would love to hear from people who are fighting the fight. Fight Club, would love to hear some more input in this. You have inspired me to keep looking forward. I'm just having a bit of a low spot at the moment. I'm in no danger of contacting xMM, but definitely missing him tonight.

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I wish we could keep this thread going a bit longer, I know it's been lost for a couple weeks...this is the only one I can relate to right now. Fight Club, are you still around?

 

I know that I'm in a better place than I've been in a long time, but for some reason, I'm having a hard time tonight (and this entire week, for that matter). xMM and I have been in LC for the last 1.5 years and strict NC for the last 5.5 months (the longest NC ever). It's been about 4 years since this whole affair began. He left his W and children for 3 months and we were never able to make the transition into living a life happily ever after together.

 

I'm relieved we never made the decision to walk through life together. It would have been a disaster. His children need him in their lives full time. Something would have always been missing in both of their lives. I know we made the right decision walking away from each other, but it still hurts like hell...even nearly a half year later.

 

I've read this opening thread a dozen times over the last couple weeks, especially when I'm feeling weak wanting to contact him. We're not right for each other. But, for some reason, I'm having such a hard time moving on. I still love him more than anything, but I know we can't be together, it would never work.

 

The thing that keeps me strong is knowing that his children are benefiting from me staying away and in a round about way, I'm hoping that he is benefitting from my absence, as well. I was such a weak person when I was with him. Despite my impulses to contact him, I know I'm in a much better place.

 

I would love to hear from people who are fighting the fight. Fight Club, would love to hear some more input in this. You have inspired me to keep looking forward. I'm just having a bit of a low spot at the moment. I'm in no danger of contacting xMM, but definitely missing him tonight.

 

YOu are in a better place and I can tell that you recognise it. That fact will stop you from contacting him. Do try to remember all the drama and pain and the misery of going NC.

 

Sometimes you can love somebody but they are just toxic for you... in that case the healthy option is to let the relationship go. xMM used to say it was so right but so wrong.

 

I have been 10.5 months NC, and sometimes I think I still love him, but not sure who or what the real man was all about. Unlike you, there was a d day and he just dumped me and walked off into the sunset. Sometimes I still cry when I think about him because the memoriess hurt so badly. Other times I could kill him. The A was 3 years long.

 

The best way for me to forge ahead , I have found, is to do lots of trips and travelling. I research something, plan it and do it. It keeps my mind occupied with something new and interesting, and I don't have a lot of time to rehash memories.

 

. I will never see him again. It doesn't matter who said what or why he did this or that or what he's doing now. He's just gone and that's the finality of it. That's the hard bit for me to accept.

 

I look forward to a time when he is just a memory without the attachment of the emotional pain. Some days I think..."Ah, I'm there! " Then an image or memory will come out of the blue and whack me fair around the ears.

 

I am hoping that after a year of NC things will begin to fade. That's the time that some say grief to begins to abate.

 

Please keep going ahead. You are just having a melancholy, low moment.

Accept it for what it is and "Tomorrow is another day Scarlett!"

 

Best wsihes,

 

GG

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Oh Thunderbolt and GG, your posts really touched me. Hope you both keep moving forward. You're doing good! All the best.

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Thanks GG and Silly Girl. I was feeling a bit down last night. Today is a new day and I'm feeling better.

 

GG, you said, "I look forward to a time when he is just a memory without the attachment of the emotional pain. Some days I think..."Ah, I'm there! " Then an image or memory will come out of the blue and whack me fair around the ears." This is so true for me too. Most days lately, I've been doing fine. Living my life and progressing more than I ever have post MM. I may be feeling a bit nostalgic since MM left his marital home this time of year 2 years ago. My short term goal is to get through the holidays with NC. By the new year, I'll have 7.5 months of NC under my belt. Over the last 2 years, we've had many NC periods with the longest being 3 months. So, this is by far the longest I've been able to stick to.

 

Thank you both for the responses. I needed it today. I'll be fine, I just need to keep on keepin' on. Most days lately have been pretty good. Just wish I could eliminate all triggers that remind me of him. I hate how weird things that can't be removed from my life seem to creep in and trigger an emotion when I least expect it...songs on the radio, a vehicle that looks like his, attending events that we used to attend together, the list can go on and on.

 

10.5 months is amazing, GG. It's tough, but I definitely would like to get there too. I'm happy that you've found ways to keep moving forward. I need to hear stories like yours to give me some strength when I'm feeling weak. Thanks again for responding, it means a lot to me. Take care.

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Hey Thunderbolt,

 

You are doing great staying NC for almost 6 months, just continue to occupy your mind with things that keep you thinking, moving forward away from the thoughts of your exMM.

 

It sounds easier said than done but it was around the 7 month mark that I really was able to let go of my exMW and ironically that's when she broke NC and tried to reach out to me.

 

The thing that really complicates letting go of someone you were intimate with on a physical & emotional level is that deep down, its a process to let go that comes in waves and sometimes the current pulls you back in and in a strange way from my perspective life has a way of surprising as you move further along your path of healing.

 

On the surface, there's feelings, emotions, memories, sharing, bounding, etc and internally you don't want to let go of that because it brings peace somewhere in the chaos.

 

Let go of the chaos, so the peace can literally piece itself together for you and you alone. :)

 

It's amazing that you recognize what he chose as well as the duality of seeing what could have been vs what is probably happening.

 

Thunderbolt, I know it hurts, it's one of the most painful I've felt in my life up until this point and I had all the dreams, the fantasies and the desires when I realized I was so into someone for the first time.

 

But I recognized over time when it came to actually choosing with the variables that were in front of me, I chose to be straight forwarded and say look, we connected, things did happen, my choice is to be with you.

 

Unfortunately, before I could even say that, she made her choice as well, to run away from what she really felt because the emotions & feelings of possible love were to much and you know, it was real for me and that broke my heart because I was willing to sacrifice.

 

So when it came down to choosing between what I want vs what I feel inside is right for me and me alone, I chose to walk away and I won't look back because there's much more ahead.

 

By you living your own life, you are making the choice to be true to yourself and no one can take that away from you, no one. Your exMM is living his life with his choices and quite frankly his choices are his own, what is meant to happen will happen.

 

Things are going to get better because you know deep down inside, it's what's right not for him or his family but for you and where you go from here on your path, so many roads ahead.

 

Keep moving forward, you're doing great kiddo! :)

 

-FC

Edited by FightClub
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FC, thank you so much for the response. I’m doing my best to occupy my mind away from MM. Your story has truly been an inspiration. I’ve found myself inspiring another on this site to push through her struggles via my former/current situation because I feel very strongly about my progress. Reading your words pushes me even further forward. In a dorky/serious type of way, this is like a chain letter.

 

Before writing any more, I have one question for you. Do you still miss her daily? Despite finally knowing right from wrong, I miss him every day, but I can finally move forward every day with purpose. But, I need to find a way to eliminate him from my every day thoughts. Sounds redundant, but I mean what I say. Perhaps this is impossible.

 

Your words give me strength knowing that at the 7 month mark you finally felt some peace. I’m somewhat at a mid-point. Like you said, there’s a fine point of being stuck in the chaos of peace. For some reason, I still crave the craziness of the relationship, even though I know it’s completely unhealthy and ridiculous. I’m getting close to furthering myself from this chaos. Honestly, as long as he doesn’t contact me, I’ll probably be fine. But, secretly, I hope everyday that he’ll contact me. Don’t give me the lecture of blocking forms of communication ☺

 

The heart and mind truly operate on a different set of rules.

 

FC, you finally faced this head on and this has given me a ton of inspiration. I may catch a lot of heat for saying this, but you are one of the few who has truly taken responsibility for what has happened. Yes, on occasion, I feel like a victim. But, I do my best to slap myself back to reality. I was a willing participant in this. He made a choice and I have to live with it. Sucks, but I know that we loved each other a lot. It just wasn’t meant to be. Like you, I need to move forward. I don’t want one person to dictate the rest of my life. I still miss him though. Broken hearts suck…

 

You’re so right, he made choices that we both have to live with. What other choice do I have? I have no right trying to change his mind. I’ve done this so many times and I’m quite honestly sick of it. Your words are resonating with me, thank you. You are one of the few who has taken responsibility of the past.

 

You rock FC, I’ve found you at the right time and right place. Life is full of obstacles, but thankfully I’ve discovered someone to get me through the tough times. I’m thankful.

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Do I still miss her? Honestly, it's difficult to describe without breaking the answer down. I miss the connection & time spent communicating about our lives and the things we wanted to accomplish both separately and together.

 

They were hours of conversation and that was very stimulating for me, I thrive off deep conversations with people in general but as a whole I think about her but the thoughts are more in passing than constant as then when the affair had initially ended.

 

When it ended, it was like every painful emotion & feeling was intensified tenfold, like nothing else mattered but how I felt about this person and mourning the loss of them in my life. I deeply connected with this woman as she did with me, but it was selfish, stolen moments with each other more than actual reality.

 

If the reality had a chance to set in, I would be more inclined to believe things would have been different than what we 'pictured' as our future together but there was hesitation on both sides to truly admit how deep it had gotten and once it became physical, it was obvious how we truly felt & how intense things were when we were together.

 

So I think what it comes down to it as you progressively work through your feelings is to recognize that it's okay to to think about the person you shared a fantasy with just as long as you equally spend time in the reality of where you are and where you are going.

 

Mourn the loss of the fantasy you two shared, not the affair partner, I noticed the less time I spent trying to forget about her the more normal it became to recognize my feelings & memories to help me move past that.

 

So when a memory or trigger happens, it subsides just as fast because I remember this one thing, that in the end the result is the same, they made a choice and it was not with me. The logistics, reasoning, etc behind the choice in the moment it triggers are irrelevant, its just recognizing that this is the reality.

 

I also had a guilty feeling of wanting her to contact after the first few months of NC but then eventually when I was really able to be strong and let go, I realized her not contacting me helped the healing process, because I was at the point where I accepted it was over and knowing that it was okay to think about her and smile knowing it all happened for a reason.

 

Purpose. Reason. Living...these are all things that help to remind us to keep moving forward towards our goals and then we learn to believe in something greater than ourselves...the power to choose.

 

I believe you can do it, continue to believe in yourself and you will be at a better place in time, be patient, let the feelings soften.

 

-FC

 

PS - I'm rootin' for'ya! :)

Edited by FightClub
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My god this thread reeks of selfishness. I hear so much out pouring about how much you're hurting now that the A is over but I hear absolutely no sympathy for the lives you destroyed on the other side - especially the BS. It's all just me me me..... Honestly, what did you think was going to happen by intruding in someone else's marraige. It's depressing reading so much self indulgent behaviour with absolutely no regard for the lives that you ****ed up. As long as they were married, you were forcing yourself into a place you shouldn't have been to begin with so it's incredulous that you actually feel you deserve any sympathy when the whole thing collapses. It's like playing in a rickity old house that you know is unstable and then crying about how badly you got hurt when it finally collapses. "Oh, poor me, my life is so screwed up" Really?? What did you lose - a relationship based on lies that you knew deep down was going nowhere. What did the other side lose - their trust in their marraige, their lives, their sanity.

Edited by RaysofHope
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