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!!MM say's he might need another year or two!


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MM called today saying that he is in a very bad financial situation,and can't possibly go through a divorce now because there is no prenup and he is still struggling to get his company back on its feet after the recession!I do understand what he is saying but to go from telling me that it'll all be over by new years to saying:" hon. you'll have to wait another year or two"??

 

At first i stayed very calm and told him to do whatever he thinks is right and that i trusted his judgement then, i don't know what happened I just lost it and we ended up having a huge fight which ended with him saying:"keep your options open,and see other men during this time if that's what makes you happy"!! but I don't want anyone else I want him! Honestly,that really hurt and I'm not sure what to make of it.

 

Do you think he said that because he cares about me and doesn't want to keep me hanging or is it the complete opposite that he doesn't really give a darn and couldn't care less?

 

Should I suck it up and wait without making a fuss?I would still be in my twenties so maybe I can afford to wait..what do you think?? Your thoughts are appreciated.

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Should I suck it up and wait without making a fuss?I would still be in my twenties so maybe I can afford to wait..what do you think??

 

HELL NO! Don't wait.Try and think with your rational mind,not your emotional mind it will save you MAJOR heartache and regret in the end.

And it will end with him staying with his wife!Afterall,she is not being given informed choices about her life,why would he give you enough information to make informed choices about yours? He is playing both ends to the middle and hoping you don't SNAP on him and out his sorry a$$ to his wife so he winds up losing both of you!~ Which IMO...he should.

 

Move on now on our own terms and don't let your love blind you,so you don't resent him for the time you waited,because odds are,he will have another excuse why he can't leave his marriage in a year or two.

 

Date others when you are ready.I know it's hard to imagine letting this guy go,but really,everytime he leaves you and goes home,he's going on with his life as if you don't even exist.

 

Why would you settle or waste your 20's on a man who already HAS a life and wife who will never PROMISE you anything but confusion,pain and mixed messages?

 

Love doesn't hurt.And sometimes,we chase people who perpetually reject us out of a deep seeded need for validation from the unavailable.

 

That's not love,it's codependance.

 

These "men" may start things they have no intention of follwoing thru with,but when they begin to back peddle out of sheer fear they will get caught,they NEVER seem to know the RIGHT way to disappoint the OW,because they have layed the pity ploys on SO thick in order to win us over,it's close to impossible for them to figure out how to say.....

 

"Umm...my marriage isn't THAT bad,I actually DO love my wife and now that you want more,I can't deliver....but PLEASE don't hold me accountable for my little game called needing my EGO boosted by an OW!"

 

So they pity ploy us with the kids,the money,the fact that thier wives aren't stable enough to handle a divorce,give me time to continue to manipulate you...whatever it takes to SHUT US UP and make us go away quietly.

 

Mine at least said,when asked WHY he lead me on to nowhere for his own gain and then turned around and omitted his actions to his wife to keep her love and trust.....

 

I am selfish.BINGO!

 

Just read some of the other threads and see just what a tangled web youa re in and that you are the ONLY person who can find some self respect and WALK AWAY....or NEVER claim to be his victim.

 

He told you to go away and live your life when he suggested you date others.

 

What more can he say to push you away but....I only thought I loved you.

 

This AFTER I left my marriage for his sorry a$$!

 

That's what I got for trusting a deceptive MM.Nice.

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He told you to go away and live your life when he suggested you date others.

 

What more can he say to push you away but....I only thought I loved you.

 

This AFTER I left my marriage for his sorry a$$!

 

That's what I got for trusting a deceptive MM.Nice.

 

Everything you said was like a wake up call,I'm starting to see more clearly but I'm not at the point where I can leave yet.I'm too attached to MM I can't even imagine living without him I truly worship him. What I don't understand is that after he said that,I expressed how upset and offended I was to hear that and his reaction was :"yeah your right I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that,I get stupid sometimes but its because I love you and I want you to be happy" so I'm not really sure what to believe,is he really the sweet guy I fell in love with or is he just another selfish, and manipulative man?! Oh the confusion..

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Kareena, it must have hurt to be told by someone you love to see others, if that is what you do, I cannot imagine wanting anyone who would say that. What if after 2 years he still cannot leave, how much more of yourself will you have invested in this relationship and how much of your self can you afford to lose? If you are meant to be with him, then tell him to come back when he has left, there may always be something that stops him leaving and those things may be excuses that you will use to justify him not being with you and not giving you what you want.

Not saying this to rain on your parade, but IMHO, he is not being honest and is not respecting the love you have for him. Would you in all seriousness take or expect this from someone who you loved if he were single?

Take care.

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If he truly loved you,would he continue to keep you on the back burner?

Would he continue to send you mixed messages everytime he didn't commit to you or his wife? Would money be an issue at all to him?

Would he expect you to wait indefinately for something he just can't promise to follow thru with? Would he omit the reality of his marriage so he can continue to string you along? Would he omit that he has sex with her,and I hate to tell you,he does.Most of them do and think nothing of it.

Not to mention,continue to tell his wife he loves her?

 

With love like his,who needs it but someone who is easily sucked into thier CakeMan ways!

 

I'm sorry.I dont' mean to be harsh and I did notice that no one had responded to your thread and I felt as though I had enough past experience with a MM to try and warn you.

 

I felt the same way you did for 6 years.NOTHING else but him mattered and I lost myself in the process...not to mention my marriage,house,self respect,self worth,self esteem,all for what?

 

Now,I do know that SOME MM will leave thier wives.

 

BUT....the risk of staying and forsaking your own life to support thier choice to stay with thier wives is simply love addiction if you ask me.

 

I 'worshipped" mine too and believe me....it was not love.

 

It was a Betrayal Bond.Ask yourself these questions and in truth,answer them.If you stop and open your eyes and realize he is exploiting your LOVE.Using you for sex,expecting WAY more that he's willing to give in return.He expects secrecy,silence,total commitment on your part,booty calls when they are convienient for him,you spending all holidays alone,

communication when it's not a risk to his lie,your utmost support and understanding,your willingness to forsake a normal relationship,

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

 

 

Of course he can't say goodbye..he has commitment issues!

 

He cant' say goodbye to you or her.

 

Now...you have a choice,because you know what he is doing..she has no clue so she isn't able to leave him.

 

But she would...wouldn't she if she knew he was cheating on her?

 

And really,if you stop and think about it,do you really want a man who can be so two faced in your life as a husband one day?

 

If he can do it to her,he can and does do it to you.

 

The one way I used to try and stay away was imagining him going from thier bed,into mine.It made me sick to share him and I realized just how unfair it was to HER to stick around filling the void he alleged his marriage had unbenounst to her!

 

So yeah........harsh it may be.......but love doesn't have to be blind and MM aren't entitled to having thier cake and eating it too!~

 

 

http://gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html

 

 

"yeah your right I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that,I get stupid sometimes but its because I love you and I want you to be happy" so I'm not really sure what to believe

 

That was quite possibly the very BEST thing he could have told you to do and he should have stuck by it if he meant it!

 

He's right...you DO deserve someone who you don't have to share!

You do deserve to be able to trust,rely up and not be kept a dirty secret!

You do not owe him anything and forsaking your own needs points to you being codependant and love addicted.

 

Once I faced that about myself....and realized I could NOT change him back into the guy he made me think he was...all I could do was walk away with the shread of dignity I had left....ending it for my own mental health was the beginning of the healing process.

 

I learned ALOT about ALOT....and I don't regret having loved beyond a healthy line,but I would never do it again.

 

You have the choice to say,but no right to complain if you do.

 

It is as it is...a very one sided limited love that will leave you wishing you had never fallen into the emotional trap.

 

Or..you could wait for years and years....and watch your life disintegrate beyond recognition.

 

Or you can just be his side dish and stop hoping it will be anything more than sex he can't live without or a conflict avoidance tactic to getting off the fence and actually getting a divorce since he's so damn unhappy in his marriage he feels the RIGHT to cheat on his wife.

 

It's up to you.Just don't forget her in this....she is NOT the reason he is betraying her....he is the reason.

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Heart On, that one of the most honest, say it as it is posts I have read from someone who was the OW. As a BS I would often wish to be so honest with someone in an A, but fear it would be taken the wrong way and the message and intent lost. This post just highlights to me how crap A's are for all involved, and I can say as a BS I would never, ever have knowingly let my H have another year while he sorted his A out, not many BS do, it is the lies that most MM tell AP's that have them waiting for them to leave and all the while they are spinnning lies to their BS's too. No one needs a year or two to leave a marriage, I left two marriages when they weren't working out and if it's time to leave, then it's time to leave.

 

Kareena, you sound very young and trusting, young love, hell, any love, should be about fun and romance and showing your man off to your friends and family and shouting love from the rooftops, not hiding and being kept hanging around for someone else's convinience. I so hope you find what you are looking for and don't waste a moment on someone who is happy for you to see others. Take care x

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Heart On, that one of the most honest, say it as it is posts I have read from someone who was the OW. As a BS I would often wish to be so honest with someone in an A, but fear it would be taken the wrong way and the message and intent lost. This post just highlights to me how crap A's are for all involved, and I can say as a BS I would never, ever have knowingly let my H have another year while he sorted his A out, not many BS do, it is the lies that most MM tell AP's that have them waiting for them to leave and all the while they are spinnning lies to their BS's too. No one needs a year or two to leave a marriage, I left two marriages when they weren't working out and if it's time to leave, then it's time to leave.

 

Amen sista! And you know something else,I may have fallen for the "she's the problem" routine in regards to his wife,but the reality is....they are just cowards without conscience for the most part and can't handle being honest with anyone,least of all themselves.

 

I left my marriage because of my thoughts about the xMM.I didn't need to LIE to my xH.I outted myself long before it became sexual with the xMM.

Yes...I tried to do it the "right way" but he refused to follow suit and I got dragged straight thru the mud,thrown directly under the bus,left hanging holding the bag and guilt tripped about his betrayed wife into silence and protecting his sorry butt!

 

So yeah........we are ALL in the same boat with these men! They play us all and walk away unscathed for the most part as they always wind up with one or the other woman! And I think that's just CRAP on a stick!

 

Believe me,if I could apologize to his wife,I would in a heart beat~

 

I had NO clue,thanks to his lies,that she wasn't the problem....HE WAS!~

He pity ployed me to DEATH.I actually could relate because my marriage was seriously dysfunctional too,so I figured,he was telling me the truth,because I was telling him the damn truth.

 

Come to find out.he was FULL OF SH*T from the get go and did manipulate me into wanting to SAVE HIM from her and I swear it took all I had IN ME not to ruin him for hurting us both!

 

The truth was...she needed saving from him but he was one scary person.

Could lie to anyone without empathy or conscience whatsoever.

 

He was simply too Narcissistic for his own good and I found out the hard way...LOVE LIES when you are dealing with a MM.It doesn't matter to them really,how much we love them or are sacrificing for them or willing to do to accomodate them,they always want MORE!

 

So thank you for getting it and not judging me Seren! I really do appreciate it! I would NEVER, EVER, EVER go down that crazy,love addicted,betrayal bonded,stupid, pointless, dead end road again.

 

I have been approached by MM since and made it perfectly clear that I may have been a FOOL once....but not again!

 

I used to tell them when I ran into them in internet dating sites that if they are so damn miserable to get a divorce! That women aren't here to be thier personal void fillers! That just because they have Madonna/Whore issues doesn't give them the right to hurt people who love and trust them!

 

And that they should be decent enough to inform thier wives that they aren't happy instead of passive aggressively defying them by cheating on them right under thier noses.

 

I did just that as even though I was not happy in my marriage,I had the BALLS to tell my xH and separate before I fell prey to the rest of the mess the xMM and I got into!

 

It's been a Longgg time since I saw that SOB...and if I did today,I wouldn't be that meek,scared,accomdating moron I used to be!

 

I'd tell him off in spades and remind him that EVERYTHING he still has is illegitimate because no one know's his true colors like I do!

 

Arghh...it makes me so flipping angry when these guys play such games with women's hearts and minds....I want to remind OW that we do have choices....but we can't change or control them...we can only change our reaction to them and the most healthy one is to not walk but RUN!

 

Far and fast.............into your healthier future with a man who puts YOU first!

 

Think long and hard about that option Kareena!

 

Remember,he will be right where you left him in 10 years if you change your mind and want to be his void filler again! But in the meantime...give yourself a CHANCE to be free of this insanity!

 

This situation has lowered your self esteem and made him the center of your world....only you can decide that you deserve better....but continue to listen to him...and he will keep you enmeshed in his issues!

 

It's so damn easy for them to keep us on a string,when we aren't aware that we are on one!

 

 

kareena....you are his puppet.

 

Cut the strings.

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There's really no confusion. Just look at the facts. IF he really intends to leave his marriage, to him it's okay if he wastes another couple of years of his wife's life for his financial gain. And it's okay to ask you to put your life on hold while he gets his together. IF he's not going to leave his marriage, he has no problem keeping you on a string.

 

The facts point to him operating on a level of what's best for him. Maybe it's time you follow his cue and take care of you!

 

 

Kareena, I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through. I completely understand. SIT is right....there is no confusion. The facts are the facts. The only confusion is what is in your head, for you are trying to justify sticking around, why? Because you love him. And that makes sense why you are doing that. But, even though you love him, you have to accept (just as I did), that he might love you as well, but not enough.

He can have all of you or none of you.

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So Very Confused

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know how hard it is and how confusing. You love this man and have hopes and dreams of a future with him. It's only normal to want to be only with him and to do that as soon as possible.

 

But this isn't a normal situation so the normal rules don't apply.

 

I was exactly where you are a few months ago. (although he was "waiting until his children were older to leave) But I put my life on hold. I was vague with my friends about where I was when I was with him and what was going on in my life. I didn't make plans just in case. I didn't take a job opportunity because it would have required a relocation. At that time I didn't want to date other people and he said I could. Then I finally realized that he was with his W and family while I was sitting at home watching TV and waiting. He was going out and living and I was hibernating. He played golf, took trips, went to movies, went to ballgames, concerts, etc. I even had to go on vacation by myself right before he went on vacation with his family. I finally got tired of sitting around and waiting so I started dating. Not with the intention of having sex or getting serious, but with the intention of spending time with a grown up who could take me out in public and go places with me. That didn't go over at all and he ended up dumping me because I was "cheating" on him. I was given the ultimatum that I would not see others, indefinitely, until he left his W or not be in a R with him. So I chose to go my separate way but it was so painful. I think of all the wasted time and energy and turmoil and drama. And remember he said it was okay if I dated.

 

What I'm trying to say is don't feel bad because he said it was okay for you to keep dating. He might mean that now but he'll probably change his mind later. It sounds like he's trying to be fair with you so he's got that going for him. In my experience though, he's just saying that so he doesn't sound like a complete jack@ss. He says one thing but means something else. If he's anything like my xMM, as soon as you start dating, he'll use it as leverage against you and will tell you that he doesn't want to leave his W because he can't trust you. If he were really going to leave his W, he would have done that already. He would have done it before he met and pursued you.

 

I realize some MM do leave. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones. But in the meantime, if you stay with him be prepared for lots of loneliness and drama and hiding and words that don't mean anything.

 

I'm one of those women who got a divorce. I walked away from a very comfortable lifestyle to do it too and once I made up my mind, all I waited on was a place to live to be available. So it can be done if a person wants to do it.

 

All the crap about his business is just crap. He just doesn't want to split half of his stuff with her. He especially doesn't want to do it if he's got you waiting around. What would be his motivation? He's got you and he's got her and he gets to keep all his stuff. That's a pretty sweet deal for him and he'd be crazy not to take it.

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MM called today saying that he is in a very bad financial situation,and can't possibly go through a divorce now because there is no prenup and he is still struggling to get his company back on its feet after the recession!I do understand what he is saying but to go from telling me that it'll all be over by new years to saying:" hon. you'll have to wait another year or two"??

 

At first i stayed very calm and told him to do whatever he thinks is right and that i trusted his judgement then, i don't know what happened I just lost it and we ended up having a huge fight which ended with him saying:"keep your options open,and see other men during this time if that's what makes you happy"!! but I don't want anyone else I want him! Honestly,that really hurt and I'm not sure what to make of it.

 

Do you think he said that because he cares about me and doesn't want to keep me hanging or is it the complete opposite that he doesn't really give a darn and couldn't care less?

 

Should I suck it up and wait without making a fuss?I would still be in my twenties so maybe I can afford to wait..what do you think?? Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

I think our responses to certain situations tell us a lot. I have noticed women explaining a situation that warrants them being upset, they explain that they were upset but as the story continues they question their feelings and almost always seem to arrive at a point of apologizing for it, downplaying it then sometimes arriving at some solution that is along the lines of "I had no right to feel that way..maybe I am just dramatic...it's actually not that bad...all is well now". It is a very sketchy slope...

 

I think what's happening is unfair and I also think ideally nobody wants to be in that situation so you being upset is legitimate. Instead of not trying to feel that way, I'd explore why I was so upset, what's the root of it and what changes I can make (to the situation and not the feelings) to make things better.

 

This sounds like a man who is not making any promises and who is telling you that you shouldn't bank on a definite future. He has other pressing matters like finances, his business etc that all come before trying to make you happy...evidently. To be frank: "It be like that sometimes". Sometimes people's lives have a lot going on in which time for a relationship and prioritizing another is just not possible....the other has to decide whether or not they want to stick around. It doesn't seem like you do, or else you wouldn't have been mad. The bottom line is, he is promising you nothing. He doesn't even know the time frame it could be 1 or 2 or 20...I think you should listen to him about finding another. I am sure he cares for you but is probably finally being honest and realistic about what he can and cannot do for you. I think you will be glad to take his suggestion versus waiting dutifully for a day that may never come....and worst yet, if 2 years flies by and you're still waiting and his business is still not off the ground and his finances are still shot, then when you complain he can quickly retort that he told you to move on and you chose to stay so tough for you! :o

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This post from the OP puts my sentiments in a condensed form...

 

"i want to stick around but i just dont believe him like i used to!! what i find really confusing is that he does things that show me that he plans on leaving such as telling his mother and asking me to go with him when he met with his divorce attorney (which i did) but then nothing ever happens..could all that be just an act to keep me hanging?? i already left my bf for him.."

 

You've been with him a year, broke up with your BF to be with him and now are watching actions which are, at best, confusing.

 

So, were you actually in the meeting with the divorce lawyer? What documents were discussed? Filled out? Prepared for filing?

 

The posters upthread who assessed the financial benefits of divorcing during this difficult economic time have a theory which has traction and matches up pretty well with my real life experiences, since I did do exactly that two years ago. Same situation. My lawyer said the current state of my business was perfect for a Plan B. We laid it all out. My exW and I settled and my business is still whole and I still have my historical (pre-marital) home.

 

Watch for actions and distance yourself from this man emotionally. He can send you his docket number so you can follow their case summary online or at the courthouse. It's public record.

 

Editorially, I hope your former BF doesn't know you dumped him for a married man. I feel for him if he does. That's rough.

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If I truly loved a woman i would never say those words.

 

Pay attention to this. No man that really loves a woman would ever say those words.

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I'm too attached to MM I can't even imagine living without him I truly worship him.

 

You worship a man who is betraying and lying to the woman he walked down the aisle with; the woman he promised to stay faithful to? You worship and can't live without a man who is living a lie to his wife and to you? You worship a man who is most definitely having sex with his wife while I'm sure he CLAIMS to you he's not? Do you like being sloppy seconds?

 

The thing I just don't get with you women who consciously make the choice (because it IS a choice) to get involved with married men is..........how could do this TO another woman? You are an intentional, selfish and active participant in the ultimate act of betrayal against another woman. I can't even begin to imagine doing to someone what I know would devastate me and break my heart. That's called having a conscience and respecting boundaries. Why do you women who are involved in affairs lack these? Why do you put your own selfish needs ahead of innocent people?

 

Why do you even give the time of day to a man who is married?

 

I'm sorry but I feel no sympathy or compassion for the trials and tribulations of a the man or woman involved with a MW/MM because you made the conscious choice to cross the line and get involved in something you never should have. How can you really expect sympathy? You brought all of this on yourself by knowingly getting involved with someone's LYING SPOUSE.

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I'm too attached to MM I can't even imagine living without him I truly worship him...

 

Therein lies your larger problem...

 

Anyone telling me they worship anyone else pretty much will get a raised eyebrow from me :confused:

 

If you worship this man then he will probably be above all reproach and blame, no matter what he does, as you're so dazzled by him and have him on a pedestal...and henceforth you may never see anything clearly.

 

And for some odd reason I am almost certain he does not feel the same and would probably tell no one that he worships you....

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Ok ok... A year or two... Lets see.

 

Date other men. He feels because of the recession it's a bad idea to walk, I understand that. You have your own "recession". You have wants and needs. No man would willingly pimp their own pie. Most men don't like to share their "pies". That says it all. Date other men. If your emotions for him are still there and he is willing to be with you after a year or two, perfect. Just remember one thing. He is not leaving his wife for you. He is leaving his wife because he is no longer happy in his marriage. In two years don't be shocked if he doesn't feel the same was as you do.

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Ok ok... A year or two... Lets see.

 

Date other men. He feels because of the recession it's a bad idea to walk, I understand that. You have your own "recession". You have wants and needs. No man would willingly pimp their own pie. Most men don't like to share their "pies". That says it all. Date other men. If your emotions for him are still there and he is willing to be with you after a year or two, perfect. Just remember one thing. He is not leaving his wife for you. He is leaving his wife because he is no longer happy in his marriage. In two years don't be shocked if he doesn't feel the same was as you do.

I'm a man and I agree what's been said above and in bold is 100% true. Any man saying that does not love or care about the love of his life. What a loser!!!
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If he truly loved you,would he continue to keep you on the back burner?

Would he continue to send you mixed messages everytime he didn't commit to you or his wife? Would money be an issue at all to him?

Would he expect you to wait indefinately for something he just can't promise to follow thru with? Would he omit the reality of his marriage so he can continue to string you along? Would he omit that he has sex with her,and I hate to tell you,he does.Most of them do and think nothing of it.

Not to mention,continue to tell his wife he loves her?

 

With love like his,who needs it but someone who is easily sucked into thier CakeMan ways!

 

I'm sorry.I dont' mean to be harsh and I did notice that no one had responded to your thread and I felt as though I had enough past experience with a MM to try and warn you.

 

I felt the same way you did for 6 years.NOTHING else but him mattered and I lost myself in the process...not to mention my marriage,house,self respect,self worth,self esteem,all for what?

 

Now,I do know that SOME MM will leave thier wives.

 

BUT....the risk of staying and forsaking your own life to support thier choice to stay with thier wives is simply love addiction if you ask me.

 

I 'worshipped" mine too and believe me....it was not love.

 

It was a Betrayal Bond.Ask yourself these questions and in truth,answer them.If you stop and open your eyes and realize he is exploiting your LOVE.Using you for sex,expecting WAY more that he's willing to give in return.He expects secrecy,silence,total commitment on your part,booty calls when they are convienient for him,you spending all holidays alone,

communication when it's not a risk to his lie,your utmost support and understanding,your willingness to forsake a normal relationship,

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

 

 

Of course he can't say goodbye..he has commitment issues!

 

He cant' say goodbye to you or her.

 

Now...you have a choice,because you know what he is doing..she has no clue so she isn't able to leave him.

 

But she would...wouldn't she if she knew he was cheating on her?

 

And really,if you stop and think about it,do you really want a man who can be so two faced in your life as a husband one day?

 

If he can do it to her,he can and does do it to you.

 

The one way I used to try and stay away was imagining him going from thier bed,into mine.It made me sick to share him and I realized just how unfair it was to HER to stick around filling the void he alleged his marriage had unbenounst to her!

 

So yeah........harsh it may be.......but love doesn't have to be blind and MM aren't entitled to having thier cake and eating it too!~

 

 

http://gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html

 

 

 

 

That was quite possibly the very BEST thing he could have told you to do and he should have stuck by it if he meant it!

 

He's right...you DO deserve someone who you don't have to share!

You do deserve to be able to trust,rely up and not be kept a dirty secret!

You do not owe him anything and forsaking your own needs points to you being codependant and love addicted.

 

Once I faced that about myself....and realized I could NOT change him back into the guy he made me think he was...all I could do was walk away with the shread of dignity I had left....ending it for my own mental health was the beginning of the healing process.

 

I learned ALOT about ALOT....and I don't regret having loved beyond a healthy line,but I would never do it again.

 

You have the choice to say,but no right to complain if you do.

 

It is as it is...a very one sided limited love that will leave you wishing you had never fallen into the emotional trap.

 

Or..you could wait for years and years....and watch your life disintegrate beyond recognition.

 

Or you can just be his side dish and stop hoping it will be anything more than sex he can't live without or a conflict avoidance tactic to getting off the fence and actually getting a divorce since he's so damn unhappy in his marriage he feels the RIGHT to cheat on his wife.

 

It's up to you.Just don't forget her in this....she is NOT the reason he is betraying her....he is the reason.

 

I would like to thank you for the links you provided I found them very helpful.I guess now what I need to do is decide whether to take a gamble and stay or to detach myself from this relationship.I wish I never fell in love with him,then none of this would have happened! :(

 

Thank you for your support I have no one to talk to and you have been wonderful,this forum is whats keeping me from losing my mind!!

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You worship a man who is betraying and lying to the woman he walked down the aisle with; the woman he promised to stay faithful to? You worship and can't live without a man who is living a lie to his wife and to you? You worship a man who is most definitely having sex with his wife while I'm sure he CLAIMS to you he's not? Do you like being sloppy seconds?

 

The thing I just don't get with you women who consciously make the choice (because it IS a choice) to get involved with married men is..........how could do this TO another woman? You are an intentional, selfish and active participant in the ultimate act of betrayal against another woman. I can't even begin to imagine doing to someone what I know would devastate me and break my heart. That's called having a conscience and respecting boundaries. Why do you women who are involved in affairs lack these? Why do you put your own selfish needs ahead of innocent people?

 

Why do you even give the time of day to a man who is married?

 

I'm sorry but I feel no sympathy or compassion for the trials and tribulations of a the man or woman involved with a MW/MM because you made the conscious choice to cross the line and get involved in something you never should have. How can you really expect sympathy? You brought all of this on yourself by knowingly getting involved with someone's LYING SPOUSE.

 

I respect your opinion, there was a time where I was the person saying those exact words you said.Never in my life did I expect to be the OW but my feelings completely took over.Maybe I am putting my own selfish needs first,but I do not feel any guilt or remorse whatsoever I have witnessed many of her flings and affairs when her and I were friendly.If she does not care about her marriage why should I??

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Maybe I am putting my own selfish needs first

 

I'm sorry, but no, you haven't. You have put HIS selfish needs first. You have accommodated HIM every step of the way.

 

Life is too short to put another woman's husband first. Life is too short to put his business, his life, his priorities, and his marriage first.

 

Put yourself first. Dump him. Cry, grieve, heal, meet someone with whom you can share a life with now.

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Pay attention to this. No man that really loves a woman would ever say those words.

 

 

THIS!!! If its one thing I have had my eyes open to over the last month of NC is.... when a man LOVES a woman, you can tell. He doesn't care what he has to do to get her. Wars have been fought over this. He will get on top of a mountain and YELL it. He doesn't hide her, make her compromise to his selfish needs and wants, oh and also not give himself to her (or his wife). It has become quite clear to me....that men who continue to have these A's and make one excuse after another as to why they can't leave....DON'T LOVE THE OW OR THE BS. They love themselves.

 

I do think my xMM does love me, he just doesn't love me as much as he loves him. I told him last time we talked....You can have ALL of me, or NONE of me....those are your options. You can not give me what I want/deserve (ie leaving) and I can not give you what you want (ie staying until he has everything perfectly aligned).

 

Fact is probably after the 1-2 years....there will be another excuse. I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL.... -after the tax issues are straightened out, -after we buy this new house and get settled, -after we buy this car, - after his vacation, -after that vacation, -after her mother gets out of the hospital, -after football season, -after baseball season, -after we get the roof put on the house, -after I get my finances worked out, -after the kids get to a certain age, -after I get through closing out year end books, -after Christmas, -after Thanksgiving, -after the kids day (oh which my xMM has 6...so thats pretty much bdays all damn year long), -after she gets this job, -after the braces get taken off my kids mouth, and I could literally go on with about 20 more. PLEASE do not be foolish as I was. Please do not believe so much in love that you miss loving yourself. You have a beautiful life in store for you, don't miss it because some azz clown wants to take you through his emotionally retarded life. If he loves you....when you walk, he will leave. If he doesn't leave, well you got your answer and you will know you walking was THE BEST thing for you.

 

Good luck. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

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You worship a man who is betraying and lying to the woman he walked down the aisle with; the woman he promised to stay faithful to? You worship and can't live without a man who is living a lie to his wife and to you? You worship a man who is most definitely having sex with his wife while I'm sure he CLAIMS to you he's not? Do you like being sloppy seconds?

 

The thing I just don't get with you women who consciously make the choice (because it IS a choice) to get involved with married men is..........how could do this TO another woman? You are an intentional, selfish and active participant in the ultimate act of betrayal against another woman. I can't even begin to imagine doing to someone what I know would devastate me and break my heart. That's called having a conscience and respecting boundaries. Why do you women who are involved in affairs lack these? Why do you put your own selfish needs ahead of innocent people?

 

Why do you even give the time of day to a man who is married?

 

I'm sorry but I feel no sympathy or compassion for the trials and tribulations of a the man or woman involved with a MW/MM because you made the conscious choice to cross the line and get involved in something you never should have. How can you really expect sympathy? You brought all of this on yourself by knowingly getting involved with someone's LYING SPOUSE.

 

 

CG.... It really is so easy to see it just like that. And I too, before my A thought exactly as you did. "why do they do this??? Just be single if you want to have A's. Why do women degrade themselves this way?" and the list could go on and on.

 

I think a lot of times we were raised to think of the OW as this tramp that just skirted around offices to get attention from men, or to the men we thought of a WS as a middle aged idiot that was just looking for a young piece of a**. So with having those pictures in our minds as to "the normal set up for A's", when we find ourselves becoming friends with someone and then falling in love with them, we feel "oh, this is different"....this isn't like it has been protrayed to me as being. And thus starts the getting sucked in.

 

When people are in certain emotional states, judgment can and usually will get clouded. Whether that emotional state be love, or anger or saddness. People will act out and do things that typically they would never do.

 

Then you get so caught up in the storm you can never really get a clear understanding from it. Once you step back and let your mind clear, you start seeing all of the things that made you act out so stupidly.

 

A lot of OW/OM do have conscience, they are caring and loving individuals. They don't intentally seek out to hurt others. They are sitting around plotting and planning how they can put together a plan to hurt innocent people. They just get caught up with the emotions of it and can't think or see clearly.

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Heart had some fantastic advice so all I can do is say "REREAD what she read".

 

He isn't that into you if he is more concerned about money :rolleyes: It's your life, but if you want to wait another 1-2 years, go for it. No man that loves a woman would tell her even sarcastically to go date someone else.

 

Who cares what his wife has or hasn't done? The focus should be on YOU. YOU are going to be the one to sneak around for another 1-2 years. You yourself have said you can't discuss this with any of your family/friends..what does that tell you? Do you want that for the next few years?

 

Respect yourself more than being dependent on some man who has a wife and other commitments. You are the option, not the priority. He goes home to his wife, goes on trips with his wife. If you are content being 2nd (actually 3rd - because his wife and his money mean more) than keep waiting.

 

Like seren said, let him go and tell him to look you up ONLY when he is divorced. I would bet you never hear from him again.

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That staement is BS. This guy is following the MM playbook to the letter and assumes you will buy the BS.

 

 

 

If I truly loved a woman i would never say those words.

 

 

 

If this guy is like most men that cheat then he does not care for you.

 

 

 

There is one fool born every day. No!!!!!!

 

You should dump this guy, he has shown his true colors.

 

The ugly truth..thank you pierre :'(

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MM called today saying that he is in a very bad financial situation,and can't possibly go through a divorce now because there is no prenup and he is still struggling to get his company back on its feet after the recession!I do understand what he is saying but to go from telling me that it'll all be over by new years to saying:" hon. you'll have to wait another year or two"??

 

At first i stayed very calm and told him to do whatever he thinks is right and that i trusted his judgement then, i don't know what happened I just lost it and we ended up having a huge fight which ended with him saying:"keep your options open,and see other men during this time if that's what makes you happy"!! but I don't want anyone else I want him! Honestly,that really hurt and I'm not sure what to make of it.

 

Do you think he said that because he cares about me and doesn't want to keep me hanging or is it the complete opposite that he doesn't really give a darn and couldn't care less?

 

Should I suck it up and wait without making a fuss?I would still be in my twenties so maybe I can afford to wait..what do you think?? Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

Dude. The guy has just told u he is gona go home 2 his wife for 2 more yrs n if u dont like it, u shud go date otha dudes. What a PR*CK. Its ur life but why waste it on this loser who clearly aint bothered how u feel or if u r datin otha dudes?

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