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Broke NC, going down in flames


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OK. So I'm sure by now you are all familiar with my story. After 6 days of NC, I broke it. Maintaining this NC at work just became too ridiculous. Going out of our way to avoid each other. Standing on opposite sides of the building when we saw each other outside during a smoke break.

 

So I went up and talked to her. We both agreed that this was ridiculous, though she said that these were "my rules." Went back into the office and began chatting online for a while. She made it clear that she has not stopped thinking about me 24/7. Apparently my big conversation when I told her to go work on her M made her feel like I hated her. No idea where she got that notion from, but nevertheless. She said "I can't give you up." Even though she is "supposed" to be working on her M. She said no matter what she does, she cannot stop thinking about me, and missing the times we had together, that our connection is too strong, and that I am a part of her.

 

OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm a fighter. Even when the odds are completely stacked against me...I fight for things. I'm not going to give up on love, just because it isn't easy, or doesn't follow a script. And I'm certainly not going to follow a script (I.e. NC). At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

 

I know this flies in the face of all the advice I was given here. Your advice was great, and I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do things your own way, despite all the good advice.

 

But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

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You remind me of me, last year. I had a lot of hurt but right now I'm in the best relationship I've ever known, with a man who means the absolute world to me. 2 days ago I was in tears because I couldn't believe how happy we are and how right for each other we are. How embarrassing! And I was sober :D

 

And to say my outcome is in the minority would be an understatement.

 

You have to be true to yourself. It's a risk for your heart, to go back. It could be your biggest regret ever. If you're cool with that then what can I say?! I'm anti-denial so if your eyes are wide open and you re-evaluate regularly then I wish you good luck!

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whichwayisup
But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

 

Because she isn't looking to leave her marriage, divorce and start a new life with you. She has no plan of action. What she wants is, to have her cake and eat it too..AKA, keep you as the OM and stay married.

 

If you are okay with that, then stay on this path. Enjoy it for what it is, but know, it won't last forever.

 

Or, if you say you're a fighter, then confront her husband, tell him that you love her, want her for yourself and you're not disappearing from her life so they can work on their marriage.

 

Anyway, from what you've said about her and your situation, no good is going to come of this. I guess you haven't reached your lowest of lows to walk away.

 

Good luck. Shield your heart.

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hi Confused.

 

Your story could have a happy ending. I hope it does.

 

When does she intend to leave her marriage?

 

You can fight for love all you want to, but the relationship takes two people, remember?

 

So what is the plan for the future?

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At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

 

It's not completely clear to me that this is giving love its best chance. Who knows whether it is best to go along for the ride and be there if the person does decide to leave their M or whether it is best to step aside and then see if both are still interested in the event MW/MM turns up single. There are positives and negatives for both cases, although I see more negatives in continuing the A and planning to see the person through their divorce if they do decide to end their M.

 

However, sounds like you think this is the right decision for you. So best of luck with that. Are you planning to apply pressure, a deadline, tell the H or something else to get her to choose between you and her H?

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OK. So I'm sure by now you are all familiar with my story. After 6 days of NC, I broke it. Maintaining this NC at work just became too ridiculous. Going out of our way to avoid each other. Standing on opposite sides of the building when we saw each other outside during a smoke break.

 

So I went up and talked to her. We both agreed that this was ridiculous, though she said that these were "my rules." Went back into the office and began chatting online for a while. She made it clear that she has not stopped thinking about me 24/7. Apparently my big conversation when I told her to go work on her M made her feel like I hated her. No idea where she got that notion from, but nevertheless. She said "I can't give you up." Even though she is "supposed" to be working on her M. She said no matter what she does, she cannot stop thinking about me, and missing the times we had together, that our connection is too strong, and that I am a part of her.

 

OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm a fighter. Even when the odds are completely stacked against me...I fight for things. I'm not going to give up on love, just because it isn't easy, or doesn't follow a script. And I'm certainly not going to follow a script (I.e. NC). At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

 

I know this flies in the face of all the advice I was given here. Your advice was great, and I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do things your own way, despite all the good advice.

 

But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

 

 

 

You know what Confused? I wish you well!:D

 

I hope that you prevail and get what you want from this. I am one of those people who think if you haven't beat your head up against the wall until you start to bleed then you haven't really tried. If you feel like you haven't worked your hardest to have the relationship you want with her, then do it. Go all out! I hope she owns up to all her talking and makes the decision to be with you since she says she can't not have you in her life.

 

I admit to being somewhat envious of you- but I have tried to be the one to just give love regardless of whatever, whenever and I just can't do it. I want too much, and I know he can't (or won't) give me what I want. And I have come to accept it.

 

So GOOD LUCK to you!!! I so hope you have a happy ending here, I would love to know that someone was able to escape the pain of being the Other and become THE ONE!

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However, sounds like you think this is the right decision for you. So best of luck with that. Are you planning to apply pressure, a deadline, tell the H or something else to get her to choose between you and her H?

 

No immediate plans for anything like that. Just want things to get back to where they were...get the communication opening up and flowing again. Seeing each other as often as possible. Basically letting her know that I'm here and not going anywhere. Beyond that I'm just going to be myself, be the person she fell in love with in the first place. I'm sure though that what you hint at is at some point unavoidable. And at the very least it will bring resolution to this.

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You just make sure that you let go of her love before she gets a restraining order against you. Also protect your heart honey. You seem strong and i wish you well. Good luck!

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Well, firstly I wish you the best of luck, I went down that road as well once upon a time, I think our first NC attempt lasted 3 days. Just realize the more you yo-yo the more invested you become and the hotter those flames are when you finally go down. I'm not saying you could be one of those rare instances but realize all that's involved here at least pay attention to the reality component of the kids, family, etc...

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She said "I can't give you up." Even though she is "supposed" to be working on her M. She said no matter what she does, she cannot stop thinking about me, and missing the times we had together, that our connection is too strong, and that I am a part of her.

 

This is just appeasing your feelings and boosting your ego but soon you will want more than being just a lover. She will not give you more.

 

Short-term pleasure with zero long-term gratification.

 

You will just enjoy the thrill and romance until you will realize yourself the right thing to do or you will just get tired.

 

As I mentioned in your first thread, EVEN if she wanted to be with you, would you realistically be able to handle a 5 members family (she has 3 kids right?) without mentioning whether you would like kids with her?

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OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

 

 

Bravo man. B-R-A-V-O!

 

So glad there are some people here who have decided to listen to YOURSELF and are being true to YOURSELF and doing what is right FOR YOU.

 

Too many people get beaten down here by the endless chants of "go NC" "if your MP really loved you he/she will leave" etc and let certain unrelenting posters inject uncertainty and doubt into what they KNOW is true in their hearts.

 

That they are loved. The love is worth it. And the R is worthwhile.

 

No matter how it turns out Confused88, there will be satisfaction knowing YOU did what was right for YOU. Cheers!

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OK. So I'm sure by now you are all familiar with my story. After 6 days of NC, I broke it. Maintaining this NC at work just became too ridiculous. Going out of our way to avoid each other. Standing on opposite sides of the building when we saw each other outside during a smoke break.

 

So I went up and talked to her. We both agreed that this was ridiculous, though she said that these were "my rules." Went back into the office and began chatting online for a while. She made it clear that she has not stopped thinking about me 24/7. Apparently my big conversation when I told her to go work on her M made her feel like I hated her. No idea where she got that notion from, but nevertheless. She said "I can't give you up." Even though she is "supposed" to be working on her M. She said no matter what she does, she cannot stop thinking about me, and missing the times we had together, that our connection is too strong, and that I am a part of her.

 

OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm a fighter. Even when the odds are completely stacked against me...I fight for things. I'm not going to give up on love, just because it isn't easy, or doesn't follow a script. And I'm certainly not going to follow a script (I.e. NC). At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

 

I know this flies in the face of all the advice I was given here. Your advice was great, and I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do things your own way, despite all the good advice.

 

But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

 

How are you fighting for her again?

I guess I just don't see how you are fighting for her.

 

I think WWIU said it best really, tell her H. Tell her kids. Tell everyone of your love and that you're not going away unless it's with her and the kids. That's fighting.

 

This sounds more like sneak around in the shadows and pray no one catches you. How's that fighting?

 

And if this is a fight who is your opponent?

 

What is your plan to win?

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No immediate plans for anything like that. Just want things to get back to where they were...get the communication opening up and flowing again. Seeing each other as often as possible. Basically letting her know that I'm here and not going anywhere. Beyond that I'm just going to be myself, be the person she fell in love with in the first place. I'm sure though that what you hint at is at some point unavoidable. And at the very least it will bring resolution to this.

 

It typically becomes unavoidable for people who don't like sneaking around (a few do, but most don't) or who don't want just a part-time partner (again, some do, and a few even prefer the specific constraint of having their lover committed to someone else).

 

You sound like someone who would actually like to share your life openly with the person you love. In that case, you are settling, because of the fact that MW has, so far, chosen to stay in her M. Maybe it all balances out for you in favor of making this compromise. If so, it may not balance that way indefinitely and when the balance shifts, it will be time to try to get the open, committed R you want or cut your losses. Again, good luck with getting what you really want.

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The way you love this woman is truly amazing (to me at least). But honestly I can't help but wonder if its wasted or not.

 

You're willing to sacrifice your own personal life (not dating anyone else, not having anything to offer anyone else, while you wait for this woman who goes home to her H every single night), you're giving up little bits and pieces of your own self esteem (whether you realize it now or not), and you're just pretty much wasting an open heart that's capable of so much love.

 

I'm not going to try to talk you out of anything, I just find it really sad, because you do seem to just want to love, you seem like you want to "fight", you want to be there, you want to sacrifice your own life for this woman, and what's she doing for you?

 

OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

So just because you did something that was wrong before, that's supposed to mean that you can never rectify it or change?

To me, that sounds like trying to justify continuing on with what you feel is wrong.

To me, it sounds like your addiction talking.

 

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm a fighter. Even when the odds are completely stacked against me...I fight for things. I'm not going to give up on love, just because it isn't easy, or doesn't follow a script. And I'm certainly not going to follow a script (I.e. NC). At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

That's good, because then you'll be able to understand when either he H or she keeps telling you that with regards to the M.

 

I know this flies in the face of all the advice I was given here. Your advice was great, and I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do things your own way, despite all the good advice.

 

But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

That's true, there are some stories that do have a happy ending, and I hope that yours turns out to be one of them - I just hope that at some point you know when enough is enough and you don't waste your whole life waiting on someone that wont do for you what you'd do for them.

 

I really am not trying to judge you or even talk you out of, Its just that your words came off with such stubborn love towards her and I think it would be sad if she never had that for you.

 

Good luck Confused :)

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Nope. You just don't have any self respect, and even less self control.
This wasn't meant as a jab.

 

How are you fighting for her again?

I guess I just don't see how you are fighting for her.

 

I think WWIU said it best really, tell her H. Tell her kids. Tell everyone of your love and that you're not going away unless it's with her and the kids. That's fighting.

 

This sounds more like sneak around in the shadows and pray no one catches you. How's that fighting?

 

And if this is a fight who is your opponent?

 

What is your plan to win?

He said it better than I.

 

Don't romanticize the situation to make yourself feel better or justify your actions.

 

Really, you're nowhere closer to a resolution than you were when you came here. All you've done is show MOW that you're willing to remain the OM because you don't have the self respect and willpower to stand up for what you really want.

 

So really, romanticizing it as you are here gets you nowhere. All romanticizing it does is make the people that have tried to help you feel like they have wasted their time.

 

By the way, if you are comfortable with your situation and "breaking the script" as you have put it, what do you hope to gain from LS with your update?

Edited by jthorne
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So really, romanticizing it as you are here gets you nowhere. All romanticizing it does is make the people that have tried to help you feel like they have wasted their time.

 

This is a typical response. If you don't behave in a way that's 'approved of', you're deemed to be a time-waster. :rolleyes:

 

Free, anonymous forum. Use what you can, OP, leave what you can't ;)

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So really, romanticizing it as you are here gets you nowhere. All romanticizing it does is make the people that have tried to help you feel like they have wasted their time.

 

By the way, if you are comfortable with your situation and "breaking the script" as you have put it, what do you hope to gain from LS with your update?

 

I don't agree with the sentiment about wasting time. Ideas can percolate around, even if they are not relevant to current actions. Also, one poster can elicit responses which are useful to others, including to lurkers.

 

As to posting here, confused sought advice here, considered it, and made a decision which ran contrary to most of it. I think it is great that he posts and lets us know. People get to respond taking his new decision into account, either cheering him on or wishing him well or expressing pitfalls to watch out for or the unkindness to others or whatever. That's all good - isn't it?

 

I actually think the advice he got earlier was pretty good and most likely would have saved him some extra heartbreak if he followed it. But maybe he will be one of the lucky few who gets what he really wants before his self-esteem hits the floor and without harm that never heals hitting any of the people or children involved.

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bentnotbroken
Nope. You just don't have any self respect, and even less self control.

 

 

Yup. Self control seems to be lacking from beginning to the end.

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Woman In Blue
No immediate plans for anything like that. Just want things to get back to where they were...get the communication opening up and flowing again. Seeing each other as often as possible. Basically letting her know that I'm here and not going anywhere. Beyond that I'm just going to be myself, be the person she fell in love with in the first place. I'm sure though that what you hint at is at some point unavoidable. And at the very least it will bring resolution to this.

LOL. That's not "fighting." It's acquiescing.

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Severely Unamused
But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?
I do want to point something out here, simple to keep any APs that follow this line of thought grounded.

 

Statistically, roughly 5-10% of all affairs are exit affairs. Statistically, couples that do get together after their exit affairs have a higher chance (I can't remember the number, but I think that it is around 20-35%, maybe higher) of failing.

 

Now, I see two main ways that you could take the above.

 

1. That your life is your own destiny, and that you can defy the odds.

2. That you are nothing special, and that you are bound by the patterns and trends that influence everybody else.

 

^ Both are true IMO.

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Man I'm gunna be blunt with you, all this woman sees you as is her excitement that shes not getting from her marriage. This is not gunna end well for you man. You should get out now while you still can. And I know its hard because I was the same way with my ex I just refused to give up and I was determined to prove to her I was the right guy for her. Guess what it didn't work and instead of going nc from the beginning and working on moving on and healing I held onto false hope. And like others have said it makes it worse and you hit rock bottom real hard.

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Seems I have touched on something here...gathering from the responses. Let me address a few things.

 

First off, my whole point of posting this was because this a community, a forum. Shortly after my first post on here I realized that there are a lot of people here in similar situations. The beauty of places like LS is the free exchange of ideas/thoughts/emotions. I quickly felt a connection to the people who responded to my previous threads, and thought they might like to hear where I'm coming from. My story may sound like any other story on here, but I assure that I am far different than most people on here (for better or worse is yet to be determined)

 

With that said. I am in my 30s...I've been in relationships (healthy ones) in the past. What was missing from all those relationships is that undefinable feeling. The one you can't put into words. The one you feel everytime you see the person you are in love with. That is what is present here. Everyday that I see her, it's like the first time I've seen her...I still get weak in the knees, my heart still flutters...the outside world melts away. I know she feels the same way. It's written all over her face.

 

The whole reason I've decided to go against everything people have told me is that I will not be the one who ends this. I won't be the one who gives up. Tomorrow she may come to me and say to never speak to her again, that it is over. I can accept that...because it's what she wants. All I ever wanted was her to be happy. And if being with me, or seeing me, or talking to me, no longer makes her happy, than I can go my own way with completion. But if there is an iota of hope, I have to stay in. So 99 out of 100 of these situations end badly and don't work out. So that's 1 that does. And that's enough of a chance for me to soldier on.

 

I can understand where you are all coming from...saying I'm deluding myself, that I'm weak....that I'm acquiescing. Understood. I see that too. Yet at the same time I know what I feel...and I know what she feels. And until this comes to a final conclusion, one way or the other, I cannot, and will not give up. Call me what you may...and I'll be the first to admit, I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in fate, true love....soul mates...destiny. And I will NOT look back to these days 20-30 years down the line saying "what if"...what if I just hung in there, fought for love....fought against the odds.

 

At least by doing this I will know...that I did *everything* in my power to give true love a shot.

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bentnotbroken
Seems I have touched on something here...gathering from the responses. Let me address a few things.

 

First off, my whole point of posting this was because this a community, a forum. Shortly after my first post on here I realized that there are a lot of people here in similar situations. The beauty of places like LS is the free exchange of ideas/thoughts/emotions. I quickly felt a connection to the people who responded to my previous threads, and thought they might like to hear where I'm coming from. My story may sound like any other story on here, but I assure that I am far different than most people on here (for better or worse is yet to be determined)

 

With that said. I am in my 30s...I've been in relationships (healthy ones) in the past. What was missing from all those relationships is that undefinable feeling. The one you can't put into words. The one you feel everytime you see the person you are in love with. That is what is present here. Everyday that I see her, it's like the first time I've seen her...I still get weak in the knees, my heart still flutters...the outside world melts away. I know she feels the same way. It's written all over her face.

 

The whole reason I've decided to go against everything people have told me is that I will not be the one who ends this. I won't be the one who gives up. Tomorrow she may come to me and say to never speak to her again, that it is over. I can accept that...because it's what she wants. All I ever wanted was her to be happy. And if being with me, or seeing me, or talking to me, no longer makes her happy, than I can go my own way with completion. But if there is an iota of hope, I have to stay in. So 99 out of 100 of these situations end badly and don't work out. So that's 1 that does. And that's enough of a chance for me to soldier on.

 

I can understand where you are all coming from...saying I'm deluding myself, that I'm weak....that I'm acquiescing. Understood. I see that too. Yet at the same time I know what I feel...and I know what she feels. And until this comes to a final conclusion, one way or the other, I cannot, and will not give up. Call me what you may...and I'll be the first to admit, I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in fate, true love....soul mates...destiny. And I will NOT look back to these days 20-30 years down the line saying "what if"...what if I just hung in there, fought for love....fought against the odds.

 

At least by doing this I will know...that I did *everything* in my power to give true love a shot.

 

 

Horse manure. If this statement were true, you would indeed do everything. You would go to her husband and tell him you love his wife and you want to do everything in your power to please her. You will make it known that you intend to fight with ever fiber of your being and that you intend to win her fully. As it stands you are doing the cowards dance to that old tune "true love". So you are doing just enough to get her ego fed, your needs met and just enough to keep her husband out of the loop. Call it what it is.

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I actually know exactly what you're talking about. xMW and I just had that 'magic' you wish everyone experienced and understood. It happens so rarely that you meet someone and everything just clicks into place, the chemistry is there, there's something that seems to defy words even and so we say 'fate' or 'soul mates', etc... This happened to me once when I was too young to know what I had and then the 2nd time to late in the game obviously.

 

You are going to find there are a few groups of folks here, most of us, including myself am more concerned about your well being in the long run. The advice I try to give is without judgment; whatever you want, you know what's best for you at any given moment and that's what you're going to do, regardless of what anyone here says. Truth is emotions tend to trump everything in human nature, controlling them at times is futile it takes a lot of work and you constantly will second guess yourself if you go against what's in your heart. Some people need to see things to the bitter end to truly comprehend and understand themselves and the situation they are in.

 

Thing is you have to understand that love isn't always enough to make things work. You are going to continue to pursue this, it's going to include increased emotional investment on both your parts, this in turn is going to create more internal turmoil for her especially as she's between two men. Ultimately human nature plays out and a known provider, protector and stable life for children trumps everything in a womans instincts. This could be one of those cases where she decides to leave, you two work things through and are happily ever after; it's not unheard of but it's also good to know both sides of the coin you're dealing with.

 

Whatever happens there are people here willing to talk you through it. I do have one recommendation though which is I'd advice you to consider changing workplaces if at all possible that in itself is going to create it's own mess of issues and you should really think about what the responsible thing to do there is.

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