They agreed to divorce, then he told her about affair

[sad puppy]

First time here, and need some insight and wisdom.

 

Began in early 2010, the connection was immediate. We click on political, musical, spiritual, intellectual, sexual levels. He's been married to his wife for 16 years, 2 kids - 10 & 14. Apparently, it's the classic roommate relationship, he admitted they got married for the wrong reasons, the "sex has always been awkward", and frankly, she may be a low level lesbian or asexual.

 

Last year he went thru about 9 months of counseling, because "he wouldn't be able to forgive himself" if he didn't try for the kids. In 16 months, we have only seen each other 15 times, including 2 quick trips. End of June, he had an "epiphany" and realized he was going to get out. They've talked this summer, have decided to divorce. I basically told him, "I'm done". He went on vacation, came back, sent me email, that they agreed to divorce, only needed to figure how to tell the kids and logistics.

 

Well, a few days ago, he told her about the affair. She was calm at first, but then later in the day - freaked out. Now he is dealing with her "sadness" and they are "sorting out their issues". Wanting to wait to tell kids until after mid-terms, one of the kids has "issues". So, here I sit, wondering if he is actually beginning to reconcile out of guilt, or if her told me the truth. What do I do? I am so lost right now. Confused. Last conversation was Friday where we agreed this was "the real thing". Lots of spiritual signs. But, and he's admitted it - he's weak, lacks courage.

 

What should I do? I am in agony, we were so close and then did he tell her to finalize the divorce decision or to subconsciously drop a bomb on her to see if she would fight for him? I need advice. Thank you.

[TurboGirl]

First time here, and need some insight and wisdom.

 

Began in early 2010, the connection was immediate. We click on political, musical, spiritual, intellectual, sexual levels. He's been married to his wife for 16 years, 2 kids - 10 & 14. Apparently, it's the classic roommate relationship, he admitted they got married for the wrong reasons, the "sex has always been awkward", and frankly, she may be a low level lesbian or asexual.

 

Last year he went thru about 9 months of counseling, because "he wouldn't be able to forgive himself" if he didn't try for the kids. In 16 months, we have only seen each other 15 times, including 2 quick trips. End of June, he had an "epiphany" and realized he was going to get out. They've talked this summer, have decided to divorce. I basically told him, "I'm done". He went on vacation, came back, sent me email, that they agreed to divorce, only needed to figure how to tell the kids and logistics.

 

Well, a few days ago, he told her about the affair. She was calm at first, but then later in the day - freaked out. Now he is dealing with her "sadness" and they are "sorting out their issues". Wanting to wait to tell kids until after mid-terms, one of the kids has "issues". So, here I sit, wondering if he is actually beginning to reconcile out of guilt, or if her told me the truth. What do I do? I am so lost right now. Confused. Last conversation was Friday where we agreed this was "the real thing". Lots of spiritual signs. But, and he's admitted it - he's weak, lacks courage.

 

What should I do? I am in agony, we were so close and then did he tell her to finalize the divorce decision or to subconsciously drop a bomb on her to see if she would fight for him? I need advice. Thank you.

 

 

I know, I know... sorry you are in such pain. He admitted that he is weak and has no courage. That should tell you something right there.

 

He went through counseling WHILE seeing you. Wow, that was really trying to work on his M, wasn't it? Don't you think that was pretty silly and certainly not giving his marriage a try? Or maybe he lied to you and never really went to counseling.

 

Kids always has issues. Things will always need to get "sorted out" A divorce is hard on everyone. Waiting till after mid terms, huh? Bull****

 

I think he lied to you all along, and that they never agreed to divorce on vacation. I think he is the one with the sadness and he is the one freaking out.

 

Just like so many of these MM, they tell us (OW) what they think we want to hear, just to keep us attentive and waiting. However, when it comes down to it, I don't think your MM is going to leave. He's staying. I know that he got your hopes us with this email and then talking with you, but actions speak louder than words. He went on vacation with her and the kids! Nobody "agrees" to divorce on vacation. That stunk from the first second I read it.

 

Suggest that you go back to NC. It hurts like H*** at first, and then gets easier.

[woinlove]

You may have felt you were "so close" but I think ending a 16 year M with 2 children is a long process, which doesn't end with them separating. Rather that is where it starts, and, even then, they may still reconcile and not end the M.

 

The fact that he apparently told his W of the A after they had agreed to divorce suggests some level of attachment to or emotional involvement with his W. It's difficult to say what the end result will be. Sometimes revealing an A is a wakeup call that makes both parties realize they don't want to lose each other and sometimes it is the final nail in the coffin of a M where the two have been drifting apart. The fact that there is lots of angst/sadness right now could be compatible with either scenario. I think one will need to wait longer for the true situation to emerge.

 

The fact that he describes himself as weak, lacking courage does not sound good. Sounds like he may only end the M if his W does it for him.

 

I'm curious -- what are "spiritual signs" that what you and MM have is "the real thing"?

[cavedweller]

sad puppy,

 

The 'red flag' was when he told his wife about the A and they did not seek seperation at that point.

 

He is not going to move out and file for a divorce..(he is going to stay with her and work it out)

 

my 2 cents

[whichwayisup]

They've talked this summer, have decided to divorce. I basically told him, "I'm done". He went on vacation, came back, sent me email, that they agreed to divorce, only needed to figure how to tell the kids and logistics.

 

Well, a few days ago, he told her about the affair. She was calm at first, but then later in the day - freaked out. Now he is dealing with her "sadness" and they are "sorting out their issues". Wanting to wait to tell kids until after mid-terms, one of the kids has "issues".

 

Do you have 'actual proof' that there was talk of divorce? It seems quite odd that divorce was on the table, about to happen and then he told her about the affair, and NOW she freaks out? Wants to work on and salvage their marriage? HE was ready too, as well and now he's not sure.. Something feels very off here. Either he's lied to you and omitted truths, how this truly went down (maybe she found out about the A on her own) and wanted to kick him out, and he's the one begging for another chance to work on things. See, because he's lied so easily to her for a long time, it would take nothing for him to lie or exaggerate/omit truths to you.

 

Focus on you. Go NC and leave him be to sort this out. Having you in his life is only going do harm to you. This is his mess he put himself in and he has to clean this up on his own.

[spice4life]

Agree with the others that you are in a tough spot. I really feel for you and actually feel almost nauscious reading your story. I know how hard it must be, but if you stay in contact with him you are in for one h*ll of a long emotionally wrenching roller coaster ride. He is hoping you will hang in there so he can have the best of both worlds - he can stay with his family and get what is lacking in his marriage from you. Do you really want to end up with a man who is weak and not in cntrol of who he is as a person?

 

You should go NC and let him figure out his life on his own. Staying and accepting these circumstances is only going to chip away at your self esteem and enable him to do nothing. I'm so sorry your in this predicament and I really feel for you - it must feel awful.

Edited August 28, 2011 by spice4life

[sad puppy]

Apparently, they started the divorce talk in June, then it continued through the summer, then they weren't going to cheat the kids out of a vacation, so they went. He claims they confirmed the divorce then - he returned 8/20. She is an "attchment parent" (do not get me started) and wanted to see a counselor to learn how to tell the kids. They actually have a kid with social issues, no friends, blah, blah, blah, so it's actually not the one kid they are worried about but the one with problems. So, on 8/23 he said "ok, let's find a counselor" and she supposedly said "you're anxious, are you having an affair? He said no and she asked again, and he said yes. He said he just didn't want to lie anymore. I asked him the next day, what possessed him to tell her, and he said "I was happy".

 

Well, she asked how old I was, how long, and how did we meet. She was calm. But not later. Now she has asked him not to see me so he doesn't rub it in her face. He said that's not her decision to make but he doesn't want to continue to hurt me until he's free, until we're on our own. I reminded him when we met, on our 2nd and 3rd date to slow down when he said he was going to confront her. Friday he admitted he really slowed down.

 

So, now, just when I thought we were getting somewhere, and I do believe him, and this conversations, he goes and drops this bomb.

[sad puppy]

Additionally, don't know if it matters but he posted pics of him and the kids on vacay but none of her. I defriended him months ago but can still see his wall.

[whichwayisup]

Additionally, don't know if it matters but he posted pics of him and the kids on vacay but none of her. I defriended him months ago but can still see his wall.

 

This means nothing. Chances are, she was the one taking the pictures and wasn't in too many of them.

 

Anyway,what he tells her, how he handles his marriage (ending, if it does) isn't your business and you don't get a say in how things are handled between them. All you can do is focus on yourself and let him do his own thing and not get involved.

[seren]

SadPuppy, most couples, after 16 yrs together go through turbulent times, I would guess that while he was having a relationship with you that he distanced himself from his wife and their marriage and relationship. I would also guess that the, this isn't working anymore thoughts had crossed both their minds. That she didn't know about you might suggest that she thought that the relationship between them had deteriorated and that the marriage was not going anywhere. Remember, she knew nothing, so to her it would appear that they had drifted, to find out that there had been someone else acts as a lightbulb moment for many BS. It explains all the gaslighting, the withdrawing and the distance that was put down to the relationship becoming adrift.

 

Fact is, he has been able to have another, separate life to that at home, with no real pressures and one that put no real pressure on him. It is often the case that once a D Day, even after divorce talk, hapens and all cards are on the table, the BS will say OK, what now. It is then that reality hits many WS, not all, some have already decided that the OW is who they want to be with, I believe that those leave PDQ, many others when faced with the reality that the BS really does care and that there is a chance for the relationship and hence the marriage, want to i reconcile or at least try again. Not saying this happens to all, but it may be what is going on with this MM.

 

I don't understand attachment parenting, just Googled this:

The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others.

I don't really see anything bad about this, sounds like dammed good parenting to me, but maybe something else that you mean. I also couldn't comment on the BS sexual preferences, again don't know what low level lesbians are and as they have children and have been together for 16 years, they must have been intimate. I would say that no one really knows what goes on in a marriage or in someone else's bedroom unless they are hiding in the closet.

 

If I were you, I would want straight answers, no dithering and I would guard my heart. I hope you won't be someone who allows a WS to ping pong back and forth between two women, thing is his BS isn't allowing that, no reason why you should either. It sounds disrespectful to you and that he hasn't thought that you have feelings too, or he is just dealing with what is going on at home, either way, to keep you uninformed is very conflict avoider behaviour. I hope you are feeling not too bad.

[cavedweller]

sad puppy,

 

Has he left her yet?---No.

 

Will he leave her?...No.

 

Will he file for a divorce?..No.

 

You need to wake up and 'smell the coffee'....

[sad puppy]

SadPuppy, most couples, after 16 yrs together go through turbulent times, I would guess that while he was having a relationship with you that he distanced himself from his wife and their marriage and relationship. I would also guess that the, this isn't working anymore thoughts had crossed both their minds. That she didn't know about you might suggest that she thought that the relationship between them had deteriorated and that the marriage was not going anywhere. Remember, she knew nothing, so to her it would appear that they had drifted, to find out that there had been someone else acts as a lightbulb moment for many BS. It explains all the gaslighting, the withdrawing and the distance that was put down to the relationship becoming adrift.

 

Fact is, he has been able to have another, separate life to that at home, with no real pressures and one that put no real pressure on him. It is often the case that once a D Day, even after divorce talk, hapens and all cards are on the table, the BS will say OK, what now. It is then that reality hits many WS, not all, some have already decided that the OW is who they want to be with, I believe that those leave PDQ, many others when faced with the reality that the BS really does care and that there is a chance for the relationship and hence the marriage, want to i reconcile or at least try again. Not saying this happens to all, but it may be what is going on with this MM.

 

I don't understand attachment parenting, just Googled this:

The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others.

I don't really see anything bad about this, sounds like dammed good parenting to me, but maybe something else that you mean. I also couldn't comment on the BS sexual preferences, again don't know what low level lesbians are and as they have children and have been together for 16 years, they must have been intimate. I would say that no one really knows what goes on in a marriage or in someone else's bedroom unless they are hiding in the closet.

 

If I were you, I would want straight answers, no dithering and I would guard my heart. I hope you won't be someone who allows a WS to ping pong back and forth between two women, thing is his BS isn't allowing that, no reason why you should either. It sounds disrespectful to you and that he hasn't thought that you have feelings too, or he is just dealing with what is going on at home, either way, to keep you uninformed is very conflict avoider behaviour. I hope you are feeling not too bad.

 

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I am trying to get a straight answer. We last spoke on Friday but now, the dealbreaker for me, is the "we have to wait till mid term exams are over, as kid just started school year". I pretty much went ballistic, and I totally went ballistic when he said he told her. Just really struggling here. Since his epiphany in June, and his continued talks with her, I was wary but feeling hopeful.

 

Now I just feel like I have been hit in the head again, and I told him. It's exhausting and I am really tired and over it.

 

I am almost tempted to call the wife and say "hey, I'm pretty sure neither one of us are getting an honest answer here" - honest to God.

[carhill]

You'll get a balanced set of perspectives if you talk independently to his wife.

 

Take that FWIW from a long-time, now former, OM.

 

I remember one MW telling me 'only the married couple really knows what's going on behind closed doors' She was right, and I was only hearing half the story. Stupid me.

 

What should I do?

 

Read the thread in my signature and leave them to resolve their marriage. Yes, I know it's hard. I did it after an eight year stint as an OM. IMO, it's the only way to regain any semblance of health. Ultimately, many years later, it would be professional therapy which would break the cycle for me. Your path will be your own. My sympathies.

[cavedweller]

sad puppy,

 

You need to get real--He is not going to leave his wife.

 

If he was he would do it today....

 

The only chance you have is to tell him it is over and go 100% NC..

 

Maybe, that will force him to deal with the issues at hand.

[cupshalfempty]

Sorry to hear another story of the same rollercoaster.

 

So much contradictory advice here. People say he should admit the affair and be honest with the bs, and then say he shouldn't.

 

I think its good he admitted it. It shows he wanted to be truthful to the bs. That he is serious about divorce. He hasn't been gaslighting you as much as you think. Right now he is confused. He obviously wasn't expecting the bs to react this way. The marriage was dead or so he thought.

 

I'm def not the person to be giving ANY advice atm..lol as I'm currently on my own ride in the amusement park. Yes the mid term timeline is stupid. If he's going to leave he should do it. If its to stay and give his marriage another shot, then you have to take yourself out of the equation and start your own healing process. He is going to be on one tight leash if he is staying with her, your relationship is going to falter and your self esteem and self worth are going to diminish. You need to think of YOU and your emotional and mental state in this. Give him a little time to calm down and see where it goes. If he is adament about now waiting, I would leave, he will just keep throwing you crumbs and the less you take the less he'll feel he has to give.

[sad puppy]

Sorry to hear another story of the same rollercoaster.

 

So much contradictory advice here. People say he should admit the affair and be honest with the bs, and then say he shouldn't.

 

I think its good he admitted it. It shows he wanted to be truthful to the bs. That he is serious about divorce. He hasn't been gaslighting you as much as you think. Right now he is confused. He obviously wasn't expecting the bs to react this way. The marriage was dead or so he thought.

 

I'm def not the person to be giving ANY advice atm..lol as I'm currently on my own ride in the amusement park. Yes the mid term timeline is stupid. If he's going to leave he should do it. If its to stay and give his marriage another shot, then you have to take yourself out of the equation and start your own healing process. He is going to be on one tight leash if he is staying with her, your relationship is going to falter and your self esteem and self worth are going to diminish. You need to think of YOU and your emotional and mental state in this. Give him a little time to calm down and see where it goes. If he is adament about now waiting, I would leave, he will just keep throwing you crumbs and the less you take the less he'll feel he has to give.

 

I pretty much trust what he's been saying in this process, this guy is not a player and has not had many relationships. He has told me that our relationship is the complete package - sex + emotions + friendship. This has not changed and there is more info to support this. I think when he told her, he thought he was "in the clear" and I know he was tired of lying, and when asked why he told her, he said "I was happy". All I want right now is an honest answer from him as to whether he is reconciling due to the blow up (where they take a real second look) or if this is how he's gonna handle it, tell the kids in mid Oct?

 

The wife is pretty content without sex - crunchy granola is how he describes her. She is devoted to her kids, hovering actually, doesn't handle any money, has a poor relationship with his parents and has few friends - he's told me she doesn't like to go out socially, is uncomfortable in front of mare than 3 or 4 people, whereas he loves to go out.

 

They are great friends, this I know. But he said it was the wrong reason to marry. Sex a problem from the beginning & he said they always thought it would get better. I think it's insane. I think he was pulling the trigger and he ****ed up but good with the confession, which he admits.

[sad puppy]

If he is telling you the truth, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal for you to talk to her, right? His reaction if you mention it should tell you a lot. If he turns white in horror, well then you might just have an answer.

 

What do you think LadyGrey? Should I do it? We are all educated professionals. I would suspect she has questions, I imagine she's pissed at me, but I wonder if she would take me up on the offer of discussing?

 

She originally told him that an affair wouldn't have happened if there were not problems in the marriage. He said, on the vacation, that they both agreed there was no foundation for them to get married (I swear to god, he said that). And then KABOOM - he drops the affair bombshell. So, now I wonder if she is deciding that maybe she wants him or I wonder if she'd like to talk. Or I wonder if I am insane and looking for rationalization to call her to get the real answers?

[cupshalfempty]

What do you think LadyGrey? Should I do it? We are all educated professionals. I would suspect she has questions, I imagine she's pissed at me, but I wonder if she would take me up on the offer of discussing?

 

She originally told him that an affair wouldn't have happened if there were not problems in the marriage. He said, on the vacation, that they both agreed there was no foundation for them to get married (I swear to god, he said that). And then KABOOM - he drops the affair bombshell. So, now I wonder if she is deciding that maybe she wants him or I wonder if she'd like to talk. Or I wonder if I am insane and looking for rationalization to call her to get the real answers?

 

I'd leave it on her end. She knows and is dealing with it. Of course no one is going to take that type of bomb being dropped on them lightly. I totally understand her thinking of telling him to drop contact with you and wanting to find reasons to postpone the divorce, her mamma bear is rising @ the threat of another woman, even if she didn't want him anymore you've stepped on her toes.

 

Ill bet a little more time for her to digest and she throws him @ you...dirty undies and all.

[fooled once]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I am trying to get a straight answer. We last spoke on Friday but now, the dealbreaker for me, is the "we have to wait till mid term exams are over, as kid just started school year". I pretty much went ballistic, and I totally went ballistic when he said he told her. Just really struggling here. Since his epiphany in June, and his continued talks with her, I was wary but feeling hopeful.

 

Now I just feel like I have been hit in the head again, and I told him. It's exhausting and I am really tired and over it.

 

I am almost tempted to call the wife and say "hey, I'm pretty sure neither one of us are getting an honest answer here" - honest to God.

 

So the deal breaker wasn't the fact that he was married, or seeming to stay marred. The deal breaker is now waiting for at least 3 more months? And you really think he is going to leave his family at the HOLIDAYS? Think about it. You are believing he is going to leave in November/December time frame. Oh wait, he will then want to wait until after the new year and then there will be mid-terms again.

 

And before you know it, school is out and it is summer.

 

Why not tell him to leave you alone until he is properly divorced and received counseling and dealing with the demise of the marriage?

[alexandria35]

Sorry to hear another story of the same rollercoaster.

 

So much contradictory advice here. People say he should admit the affair and be honest with the bs, and then say he shouldn't.

 

Nobody said he shouldn't have admitted the affair, they are just speculating as to what his reasons were for doing so after his wife had already agreed to a divorce. Apparently he did it because he was happy. Did he think his wife would want to share in happiness?

 

I think its good he admitted it. It shows he wanted to be truthful to the bs. That he is serious about divorce. He hasn't been gaslighting you as much as you think. Right now he is confused. He obviously wasn't expecting the bs to react this way. The marriage was dead or so he thought.

 

We don't know if he is gaslighting the OP, or his wife or both. How much of what he says is going on at home is really the truth? Maybe all of it, maybe some of it, or maybe none of it. We do know that the staying until after the mid-terms is a crap excuse that makes absolutely no sense. A few months after mid-terms come the finals, wouldn't he also have to stay for those too?

 

I'm def not the person to be giving ANY advice atm..lol as I'm currently on my own ride in the amusement park. Yes the mid term timeline is stupid. If he's going to leave he should do it. If its to stay and give his marriage another shot, then you have to take yourself out of the equation and start your own healing process. He is going to be on one tight leash if he is staying with her, your relationship is going to falter and your self esteem and self worth are going to diminish. You need to think of YOU and your emotional and mental state in this. Give him a little time to calm down and see where it goes. If he is adament about now waiting, I would leave, he will just keep throwing you crumbs and the less you take the less he'll feel he has to give.

 

Good advice, except I think the OP should leave right now, not stick around so he can think up even better stories and plausible excuses for staying. If she sticks around for much more of this the MM will come to see her as weak and willing to accept whatever bull he feeds her. I also think It wouldn't be a bad idea for her to call his wife. It's not like she would be dropping a bombshell on her or anything since she already knows about the affair and this way they could both really find out what is going on. Also OP could ask the wife if she really is an asexual low level lesbian. I'm curious as to what exactly that is.

 

 

Ten characters needed.

[seren]

I, as someone whose husband had an A and told me about it would and did speak with the OW afterwards, she rang me and asked questions and I answered, no big screaming match, no drama. I think both of us had questions for each other. What stuck out for me then, as it does now, is that while what H had said about our marriage was basically true, the slant was different depending on our place in the A triangle.

 

I am sharing personal information so you can understand how this can play out. H said I was ill a lot of the time. OW understood that to mean that he was pissed off with me because I was ill all the time, I took it to mean that he was pissed off with me being ill, H was pissed off that I had an illness. This meant that we couldn't have sex for a while, H said that he hadn't had sex for a while, OW took this to mean that I wouldn't have sex for a while, I explained that we had been intimate but that C had prevented this. Same scenarios and there were a lot of crossovers, but different viewpoints depending on our role. There were a number of things that OW said that I said no, that's not how it was and she, to be fair, answered what I asked honestly too.

 

It is standard that WS have to disparage their spouse, how else can an A be justified. it might very well be that he is telling the truth about things exactly as they are, but it might also be that he is able to compartmentalise and have two different lives but now that they have collided, that he is dithering. I understand that it is hard to leave a marriage, but it should also be hard to hurt you too. I don't understand anyone waiting for someone else to decide their realtionship. A relationship is supposed to be equal, with regard for the feelings of the other.

 

I would ring her, if as you say she knows all about you, then it really will not be so suprising. I don't get the waiting thing I know many OW or OM wait until it is convinient for a WS to leave, but during all this it is you who is doing the waiting while they get on wth their life and it is that, that is gaslighting you. I hate gaslighting in all forms and you sound hurt. personally, as an XBS I would call her, talk to him first if you think you should, but if it is all as he says then they are just playing a waiting game anyway and she will probably be glad of the truth too. He, however, might not be. Take Care.

[sad puppy]

I, as someone whose husband had an A and told me about it would and did speak with the OW afterwards, she rang me and asked questions and I answered, no big screaming match, no drama. I think both of us had questions for each other. What stuck out for me then, as it does now, is that while what H had said about our marriage was basically true, the slant was different depending on our place in the A triangle.

 

I am sharing personal information so you can understand how this can play out. H said I was ill a lot of the time. OW understood that to mean that he was pissed off with me because I was ill all the time, I took it to mean that he was pissed off with me being ill, H was pissed off that I had an illness. This meant that we couldn't have sex for a while, H said that he hadn't had sex for a while, OW took this to mean that I wouldn't have sex for a while, I explained that we had been intimate but that C had prevented this. Same scenarios and there were a lot of crossovers, but different viewpoints depending on our role. There were a number of things that OW said that I said no, that's not how it was and she, to be fair, answered what I asked honestly too.

 

It is standard that WS have to disparage their spouse, how else can an A be justified. it might very well be that he is telling the truth about things exactly as they are, but it might also be that he is able to compartmentalise and have two different lives but now that they have collided, that he is dithering. I understand that it is hard to leave a marriage, but it should also be hard to hurt you too. I don't understand anyone waiting for someone else to decide their realtionship. A relationship is supposed to be equal, with regard for the feelings of the other.

 

I would ring her, if as you say she knows all about you, then it really will not be so suprising. I don't get the waiting thing I know many OW or OM wait until it is convinient for a WS to leave, but during all this it is you who is doing the waiting while they get on wth their life and it is that, that is gaslighting you. I hate gaslighting in all forms and you sound hurt. personally, as an XBS I would call her, talk to him first if you think you should, but if it is all as he says then they are just playing a waiting game anyway and she will probably be glad of the truth too. He, however, might not be. Take Care.

 

Thank you your kind reply. I am ready to walk away, with a broken heart. I am going to try and reach him tomorrow. If he does not respond, it may be time for me to call her. I will just ask her if she would like to speak to me as I believe neither one of us is getting total honesty. I have no clue as to how she may react, either yes, she is open or she will freak out, whatever. I now am in total confusion about this unfolding of events. But after all of this - I am not waiting until the "mid terms" until they tell the kids, because it will be a long progression. In fact, I forecasted this, I reminded him that I predicted this. Nope, nope, nope. But I need to know from her, what her perspective is. Then I can go in peace. I want to button it up for my own sanity, and quite frankly, I feel he holds all the cards, she may feel a bit as I do. I think I'll make the offer.

[2sunny]

he went on vacation while telling you he was going to divorce? sheez, he's a schmuck!

 

tell him YOU are FREE TO DO AS YOU WISH! then DO THAT!

 

he won't be a free man for a long while - even IF he filed now (which he probably won't) - so get busy living!

 

IF and WHEN hid D is FINAL - tell him he may call you - until then - NOPE!

[whichwayisup]

I will just ask her if she would like to speak to me as I believe neither one of us is getting total honesty.

 

Did you expect total honesty from him? I don't mean to sound harsh, but you know he's lying and betraying his wife, doing things behind her back (the affair with you) yet you seem kind of surprised that he more than likely hasn't been completely open and honest with you..

 

As long as you telling her is for HER benefit, and not some other motive.

 

Affairs are dishonest and painful, as you know.

 

If he ignores you, then maybe for a while it would be best to exit the situation completely and if she contacts you, then talk to her.

[2sunny]

i'd be willing to bet money he never told her a thing about all this - including talking of divorce last June.

 

to even be with ANY man you have to wonder about isn't worth being with him.

 

you deserve better!