peelMEaGRAPE Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 I can't believe I am doing the same thing I did 8 years ago...searching on the web for advice for the other woman (which I have been throughout the 8 years) When I was here before, I was 20 years old and freaking out because I realized that I had no idea how my boyfriend looked in the morning before getting out of bed. Almost 2 years in our relationship and I still had no idea if he stole the covers in the middle of the night. It was a reality check that I wasn't prepared for. . I came unglued...He started taking me out more, spending more time with me at my place, and after another 2 years had passed, I spent the night with him. Everything was great between us,besides the fact he was still married. We were closer than ever! We were in love! I told my religious and tradtional family members the truth as to why Bob couldn't make it to Thanksgiving dinner for the ump-tenth time, HE is Married. It didn't matter anymore because we were a team. Nothing could hurt us. We were in LOVE! This past August (4 months ago) Bob and I were out with my friend and he casually says, My wife closes on her house next week and will be moving out at the first of the month. Sure enough, she moved out. I WAS ELATED! Bob and I were going to finally get to do all of those things that couples do. We started going out on weekends, looking for furniture to fill up his empty home, talking about a vacation together, he asked if I would like to meet his parents when they came to town for the holidays... Ha! I wanted everyone that doubted our feelings for each other to see just how happy we were. It was worth every tear that I cried previously. It was worth all of those lonely nights, it was worth every sacrifice that I made before. Those who warned me about being naive and too trusting were exactly right.... He feels as if he went from one marriage to another and that he needs to date other women. I never imagined this to be one of the outcomes. I read and researched and somehow missed that information. I am back to where I was 8 years ago. Searching the web at 4 in the morning for people who will not make me feel worse but who may understand and who may be able to comfort me in some way because I am once again, coming unglued and this time I am losing my self-repect just as fast. That's where I am at this very moment. [font=times new roman][/font][font=courier new][/font] Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 This is tough because, no it is just plain unkind to kick someone when they're down but it's not easy to find something positive to say. If I got your story straight - you dated a married man for 8 years - it took him this amount of time to extract himself from the marriage. Eventually 4 months ago his wife moves and he's free to live with you but wants to sample the freedom gained and date other women. Well, I'm sorry this is the case and you are feeling lost. You say you didn't read anything indicating this might be the outcome but to be honest it usually is the case that when people (men or women) are in relationships young the call of 'freedom' sounds sooner or later (no, everyone doesn't follow it but the temptation to find out 'how the other half live' is just human nature). Also, that's the occupational hazard of being 'the other woman'.. you can end up being just that, the other, disposable standby gal. It might pass, eight years is a long time to be with someone however the 'being' was. He'll probably see that living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be and he lacks the skills to make himself happy without a live-in partner. He may well come back to you as he has done over the past eight years and you can decide if you want fill the gaps until he's ready to commit. You have shown if nothing else, dogged determination so far, you've got the strength I'm sure to slog on until he sees what he wants giving him the personal space to do so. If he really loves you he'll want you as his only woman in the end - - in the meantime, get out, be happy in your own right and become the kind of woman someone would choose to be with. Sorry that's the best I can do, hope it helps a little. R. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 So you want to be comforted? By the authority vested in me by The United States of America, E. Pluibus Unum, I hereby proclaim you as Comfortee of the Day and thereby do confer upon you with that title all the comforts you require to get you through these times. Unfortunately, you'll have to see the Wizard of Oz to get some other things you will need in order for this not to happen again. Please be advised I have restrained myself more in replying to this post than I have ever restrained myself before in anything in my entire life.. Now, I have to leave and go outside and beat the trees to get things out of my system. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 Oh man Peel! You can read my other posts on this subject and you'll know how I feel about these guys! I can understand two people having an affair which is mutually beneficial. That's a situation where two adults make a decision, definitely a bad one, but they made it taking joint responsibiltiy. BUT when a married man comes along and LIES about being your soulmate, wants to be with you forever, is leaving his wife, just give him a little time.....DAMMIT that's just wrong! They are being selfish and cruel. Yep...you are absolutely correct....you just wasted 8 long painful years on a complete AssClown!!!!! There isn't any way to get the time you lost back. There isn't any way to repair the damage he has caused. Adultry has a way of biting you in the A$$ in the worst way. Consider it a life lesson and try to move on. I'm sure you are devastated and I wish I had adequate words to make this all better for you. However, there just isn't. Keep in mind one thing....the only other person who is as big of a victim, if not more so, than you are is his wife. He's managed to wreck TWO lives while he moves on without remorse. If he ever loved ANYONE besides himself....do you really think he could have ran back and forth between two women knowing how miserable he was making both of them? Well, me telling you all the reasons you are better off without him isn't going to make you feel any better unless you think about it long enough to realize how horribly he has treated you and let anger be your bandaide for awhile. When you feel like your heart is going to break....GET MAD and fight against the feeling to contact him in any way. It'll take a long time to get over him, but you CAN do it!!!!! Keep posting and don't let this thing eat you up. You made a mistake because you loved and believed in someone. You aren't alone....read some of the posts on here. If you get too lonely, PM someone with a similar story or even me....do not turn to him for comfort because you won't get any. Go to one of us who have been there and will talk you thru it. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 "You made a mistake because you loved and believed in someone." No, the mistake was that the person she loved and believed in was married. It'll get you in the butt every time, in one way or another. I'm still restraining myself and I think I'm getting a hernia in the process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 You girls have to remember ALL men are pigs.(including myself-I may never act on my piggish feelings but they are there). Guys just want to get laid and a lot of us will do whatever it takes to tear a good piece off. Thier are probably a couple guys on here that think they are moral beacons, but there minds are a dirty as mine. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
meimei Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 Focus on your journey, not the goal. 8 years are not a waste, but a learning experience. You have had many tears and joys, pain and happiness...the mixed feelings made you grow up as a mature woman... if you married him or had other bfs, he/they could have left you, too. You could have felt worse than you feel now. There are happy times and bad times in every relationship. There are beginnings and endings in every love affair...You just couldn't say you would have been much happier if you were with a single boy for the past 8 years... or if you married someone else and didnt "WASTE" your time....some people get divorced after 35 years of marriage....you cant say that they wasted 35 years of their life. But now it's time for you to have a change. Love is a risk, is a discovery.... move on, flowers bloom in every spring...dont cry because one of them you planted didnt fruit... You are here as you were 8 years ago, but you are different than you were 8 years ago... you know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peelMEaGRAPE Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 I really appreciate the feedback from you all! Yes, Tony from you too. Please do not hold back. I would like to hear some honesty coming from a man for change. Oh, hell...Forgive me. It's not fair to bash them all. At times, I feel like I have gone crazy. I freak out if he does not return my call and really freak when I call again later and find he has turned his phone off. I called last night to find out he had "company". I have been driving myself insane. I called him back at 3 in the morning and woke him up. I feel like if I am going to be up all night b/c of the pain then he needs to get woken up too. I asked if she was still there and he said yes, but why is it my business? Then he said not to call back and hung up. Why is it that I am still the one hurting, the only one hurting. It just doesn't seem right. How does one get through this without making a total ass of themselves? How do I hold on to the little self respect that I have left? I'm not going to go into it all but tragic things have happened over the past month and a half. Everything that was secure in my life has been yanked from me. This a**h*** just tops it all off. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 It's too late to avoid feeling like a complete Ass. You've just got to plow thru the pain and find yourself on the other side. Don't call him anymore....it'll only add to the whole disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 i feel for you, and i understand you are hurting. please feel free to PM if you want to talk further. you're not going to like what i have to say, but please understand that i would not challenge you unless i respected your ability to respond. i'm not too sure that you can classify this man as a surprising liar. i don't know that monogamy is right for everyone, and i respect different kinds of relationships. if, however, someone makes an agreement to enter into monogamy, and reap the benefits of this system, then it seems reasonable that this person should agree to the rules of this system. this man left the system of monogamy a very long time ago. his actions have proven conclusively that he does want a monogamous relationship. his actions with you, now, continue to prove this. your actions provide similar proof that you do not want to be in a monogamous relationship. no matter what you say, or what the feelings were, your actions consistently demonstrate a steadfast refusal to agree to the norms of a monogamous relationship. it therefore seems plausible that you should not expect the benefits of a system that you have rejected. in this way, your man's actions are consistent while yours are not. you now seek to be in an honest monogamous relationship after spending eight years participating in a dishonest and para-monogamous one. this is, of course, possible, but not with this man. you seem like a good person who now knows what she wants. you need to be accountable for your actions rather than worrying about his, and move on to someone who can give the kind of love you want in life, which you deserve. please don't take this as a flame. i am just concerned that if you concentrate on what a liar this man is you will miss the opportunity to grow from this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
KickHer@ss Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 OK, here goes: YOU lived with another woman's husband for EIGHT years. So what gives when he wants to sample other women when he is with you? His wife was his equal partner (or should have been) while you were just his "side-dish". So if he could treat his EQUAL PARTNER so crappily, how did you expect he'd treat his mistress? What's sauce for the goose, m'dear, is sauce for the gander. If he could screw around with you when he had a wife, he is gonna screw around with other women, whether or not he has a mistress at the moment. See, what goes around comes around. You had better RUN (not walk) from this man. He has no sense of commitment, no sense of right or wrong and is thoroughly undependable. What if he were to carry on "sampling" other women when he's married to YOU? You don't have a moral right to protest, he's just gonna turn around and say "Gee, you had no problem when the other woman was YOU!" Leave while the going's good. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodnPlenty Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 This man is miserable trash and used you to be his trash can. Empty the trash from your heart and kick him to the curb...and never do that again. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 this man left the system of monogamy a very long time ago. his actions have proven conclusively that he does want a monogamous relationship. his actions with you, now, continue to prove this. should read : this man left the system of monogamy a very long time ago. his actions have proven conclusively that he does NOT want a monogamous relationship. his actions with you, now, continue to prove this. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Rejection and the loss of a loved one is traumatic, painful and wrenching experience regardless of whether Society approves of the relationship gone. This is especially true after a 8 year love affair. I understand that this is THE relationship of your young life, and now it is over. The moral value of this relationship is absolutely irrelevant to the deep heartache and loss you must be experiencing. Your pain and desolation are not any less because you were the reviled "other woman." Heal yourself, first, and then do the moral accounting. First, you must stay glued. Keep it together. Rely on sympathetic, understanding and compassionate friends and family while you pick up the pieces of your shattered life. Those who want to kick you when you're down, and utter the hackneyed, "I told you so" please ignore. Your job right now is to heal --not make others even more smug with their morality. Next, and this will be hard, do not communicate with your ex. It's over between. Your love sleeps with the fishes. RIP. Last, find a support group whether online or offline. And if signs of depression appear, speak to your physician. You have a long and winding road back to recovery. You're young, however, and I believe you'll make it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 That was a sweet post Bark...THANKS for posting it! I think once a person posts.....passing moral judgement doesn't help them. Hell, EVERYONE who had ended up in an affair knows it's MORALLY wrong. However, so is cheating on your taxes and driving while drinking. Sometimes, stupid stuff happens.....and people end up emotionally in a place where they didn't think they would go. Their hurt is just as VALID as someone who played by the rules. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Why is it that I am still the one hurting, the only one hurting. You are not the only one hurting, nor are you alone in your pain. There is someone else going through the same misery as you and trying to pick up the pieces of her life, too. This lady is the one he use to call "wife." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Thanks for the kind words, Arabess. I think our threadstarter needs the kind words more than I, but with only one or two exceptions (your and jenny's fine, sensitive posts) some LoveShackers piled on. I thought, screw this.The young lady is in emotional agony and she's getting lectured and hectored. In my view, save the sermons until she gets through these pitiful, dark days. Morals shouldn't slash. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 My Mom ( a woman who should've had a TALK show to herself) used to tell me: The way you throw a stick will show which end has the most sh*t.". I'm thinking it depends on where you've been in a relationship in how you view the dynamics of that relationship and all it's factors. The truth is.....when it comes to adultry....EVERYONE suffers! Again, I don't think God is some meanie in the sky who made rules to make us miserable. I think He is a wise Father who gave guidelines to spare all His children from so much needless pain! We are so smart though...we often have to jump in the sea before we realize how deep and dangerous it really is. Link to post Share on other sites
kismet Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Peel, It may not feel like solace, but thank you anyway for a wake-up for some of the rest of us, who are in the waiting for him to be single stage. I have told mine that I had no desire to jump into marriage once he had gotten divorced, but probably said that more to play the indifferent card. Your post almost had me in tears, and I, as the rebound, will think harder about committing to anything too quickly, thanks to your difficult lesson. Stay strong-- and I liked what mei mei had to say. It's true that you've been through a lot, and that it's causing you a lot of hurt right now. But no matter what kind of relationship you may have been in for the last 8 years, it could have easily ended in just as much hurt or more; imagine he'd left his wife in the first year, and you'd been married for 7 and it was ending-- it would no doubt hurt just as badly. Take what you've learned and allow yourself to be stronger-- and happier for it. It may seem impossible now, but it won't forever. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBeinBlonde Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 This Guy is a dog who will hump on anyones leg , hire Lorraina Bobbit to neuter him as soon as possible. Thus sparing the female population anymore grief. In the mean time you may want to visit the pound and adopt a stray instead of one thats already leashed. Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Oh, my goodness ... I was reading your post and almost fell off my couch when I read that he now wants to see other women, after all you went through. I can see where he is coming from after just getting divorced, however, he is already, for all intents and purposes, in a relationship with you. You got him through this difficult time, and now he wants to play. Very nice. I would be absolutely livid. I wish I had some comforting words of advice for you, but all I can think of is how angry I would be in your shoes. Please write often and update us, reach out, cry, scream, rant, whatever you need. You are strong to have come this far with this man, and you are strong enough to go on without him, if that is what it takes. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Originally posted by GoodnPlenty This man is miserable trash and used you to be his trash can. Empty the trash from your heart and kick him to the curb...and never do that again. People can't possibly "use" us unless we allow them to. When you sleep with a dog, you're no doubt going to get fleas. What do you expect from a guy who openly f*cked around on his wife for 8 yrs? He's not exactly a pillar of the community, or a poster-child for morals and decency. If he could betray the woman he committed his life and loyalty to (his wife), why would his mistress expect anything MORE from him? The writing was on the wall 8 yrs ago, when the affair began. He couldn't have "used her" if she hadn't been a willing participant to being used. How could a mistress even have one iota of respect for their married lover who's betraying another woman? Why would any human being want to devote and/or invest years of their life (or even 5 minutes) with someone who's the epitome of deceitful, dishonest, immoral? Why oh why, in situations like this, do the mistresses act so surprised when the receive what they themselves were a willing participant in? (the affair) Why would any human being be so ?naive or desperate or have such little respect for themself as to invest years of their life on a person who could openly betray their spouse? Sorry, I'm out of sympathy. You play with fire, you get burned. There are consequences for our actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled11 Why would any human being be so ?naive or desperate or have such little respect for themself as to invest years of their life on a person who could openly betray their spouse? You could say the same thing about the spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess You could say the same thing about the spouse. Which spouse are you referring to, the one who's cheating or the one who's being cheated on? (I'm assuming you're referring to the former). We're not talking about the cheating spouse here. We're talking about the distraught mistress/lover who surprisingly can't figure out WHY they are being treated the way they are. I'm surely not implying the cheating spouse is blameless...but it isn't the cheating spouse who's coming here to this forum to post....it's the mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled11 We're not talking about the cheating spouse here. We're talking about the distraught mistress/lover who surprisingly can't figure out WHY they are being treated the way they are. I'm surely not implying the cheating spouse is blameless...but it isn't the cheating spouse who's coming here to this forum to post....it's the mistress. Use some Windex on your glass house ... have you never made a stupid, 'should've-known-better' mistake? What justifies you being so harsh? Link to post Share on other sites
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