Countdown is on... will he leave?

[kismet]

What a perfect time to find this forum! In just over a month, I will reach the deadline that my married lover of two years gave me six months ago; then deadline by when he would be available; i.e., moved out and have filed for divorce. For anyone wondering if it ever really does work out, I hope to be an example that yes, it does. But I have to be prepared for anything-- it may not turn out that way. In one month I may realize that I have wasted two years of my life loving a man who wouldn't do what he's been promising for so long. I torment myself obsessing over the outcome of this emotionally powerful love affair, and as it approaches, it is . I have promised myself, as well as him, that I would not wait any longer than that. It was the first exact date that he'd told me, and it will be the only one. Following is the story for those with the patience. Otherwise, just stay tuned to what happens in the next 30 days...

 

When GF and I first met two years ago, and for the two months that followed, he failed to mention that he was married. This still plagues me at times, but as a good friend told me, "He didn't expect to fall for you!" Nor did I expect to fall for him. He lived a couple of states away, was in town on business, and asked me to dinner. We had a phenomenal time, laughing, talking, having fun and, without a doubt, clicking. Of the three more days he was in town, we were together two.

 

He was back to visit soon, and before long we were smack dab in the middle of something that I hadn't experienced in some time. The sheer joy of simply being with someone, the unique connection that happens so rarely, the blissful comfort of one another's company, the intimacy, both electric and soothing at once.

 

After two months of a long-distance relationship that outshined many "normal" ones I've had, a very good friend suggested I make sure he wasn't married. What?! That was crazy! But the thought plagued me.

 

He was down for another visit shortly after, and had told me that we needed to have a serious talk, about us. I wasn't worried about what he might have to say; I knew that his feelings for me were as strong as mine for him, so I didn't think anything of it, nor did I think anything of it when the talk never came. We were having too amazingly enjoyable of a time together, and it was, as usual, even more romantic and intense than the last time. When he left, I realized that my feelings for him had grown too strong to not know for sure that he was, please god, single. No more than half an hour after he'd left, I made a phone call to his secretary, under the guise of sending out an invitation to GF and wife if applicable. She told me cheerfully that, yes, he was married. I couldn't swallow, my heart was pounding, my head spinning and my heart audibly breaking. In two months we had fallen hard for each other, and I knew I wasn't the only one. Why had he done this?! I fought hysteria as I wrote him an e-mail telling him the jig was up.

 

He responded as soon as he got home, first by e-mail, but wanting to call immediately if I would talk to him. I did, and I really don't remember a lot of that conversation, probably because I'd prefer not to, but he said he'd been wanting to tell me for so long-- that's what the talk he'd mentioned was going to be about, but when we were together, it was just so damn hard, and he apologized profusely not only for the hurt he'd caused me but for his cowardice in not telling me, his dishonesty. He also told me there was something else I should know; he had a six year old daughter.

 

I sobbed on the other end for an immeasurable amount of time, as he tried to console me and assure me that all of the feelings that he had for me were real, that his marriage was terribly unhappy and he absolutely planned to get out, and was planning to, and was so, so sorry that he had misled me.

 

I couldn't end it. What I felt with him comes around so rarely, with an almost unearthly rightness, that after a little bit of time, I came to terms with the truth and we began to talk again. He was adamant that I wasn't just "something on the side" for him; what we had was something special, worth hanging on to, worth fighting for, despite the odds, and he only hoped I would hang on too. He absolutely was going to get divorced; the problem was, he wasn't sure when. He was the CEO of a small company which was, thanks to him, growing, becoming more successful, more prominent, generating more revenue. Due to financial complications, especially concerning the company, he was not comfortable getting divorced right away, and was very honest with me about this, and why. He wanted to make this as minimally painful, emotionally, financially, and for their daughter, as possible. He gave me a tongue in cheek window of time in which it could happen; the soonest being what I knew was unrealistic and the latest being what I knew I wouldn't wait for. So I decided to just play things by ear for a while and see what happened. I mean, I did love being around him, on an extraordinary level.

 

Time passed, and we would rendezvous in cities all over the country; I would meet him on business trips, he would come visit me, we would have two, three, sometimes four days of bliss; emotional, giddy, heartbreaking, ardent passion, and then goodbye again. It became the pattern that within three days of being with him, I would "crash," a kind of post GF slump. I would ache with aloneness, wonder why the hell I was torchering myself this way, wonder how I could put up with a relationship that took so much out of me. A handful of times, I told him no more. To call me when he was single, and not before. I couldn't take it. These periods of No Contact, some of them lasting weeks, maybe a month once or twice, sometimes only two days before one of us would cave, maybe send an e-mail, and the receiver would have be right there, waiting, hoping for something. It ran the gamut, as most relationships of this nature do, I imagine, from heaven to hell, sometimes within a period of minutes.

 

After a year and a half, he gave me something I'd asked him for: A timeline. Six months from then, making it the end of this year, he would be available. Somehow, that gave me a different outlook on everything. He had made a commitment as to when we'd be together, and I believed him with all of my heart-- I still do. Five months later, we are closer than ever, having talked, dreamed, fantasized about our life together, talk of being married and being together, finally, forever. We talk every day, we profess our love for each other more than most couples I know, and are shameless with public displays of affection. Occasionally I get panicked and lash out about the short amount of time left for him to do what he needs to do. I can be merciless with him, when I am the most afraid I will lose him. I say cutting things in a childish attempt to show him how I sometimes feel. But he is patient, and comforting, and tells me that it won't be much longer now, that our time is almost here, and that he can't wait for the day that it doesn't have to be this way any more, the day that we can be together without boundaries, the day that there is nothing but the two of us and our future. And I believe him.

 

So the countdown is on. I know he has been talking with his lawyer a lot , and going over the painful issues of alimony, etc. It won't be easy for a little while, he's warned me, and becoming a part time dad to his little girl, now 8, will be emotionally tough. But it will be worth it, and he is so grateful to me for believing in us enough to wait it out. I told him recently that if he did not come through by the end of the year, I absolutely would walk, without looking back. He looked deep into my eyes, and said, "I won't let that happen."

 

But only time will tell, and there isn't much left. So join me in this, the last of 24 agonizing, wondrous months, and together we'll find out if even the most ardent believer will become a statistic, or if there really are exceptions to the rule...

[moonspinner]

When GF and I first met two years ago, and for the two months that followed, he failed to mention that he was married. This still plagues me at times, but ...

 

 

I must apologize to you for not reading your entire post....I only got this far and a few sentences after...because I can't get past your opening paragraph.

 

 

Why are you ignoring your instincts on this one...He is not worthy of you...He is dishonest and has initiated a long term affair with you.

 

 

He didn't expect to fall for you!" Nor did I expect to fall for him. He lived a couple of states away, was in town on business, and asked me to dinner. We had a phenomenal time, laughing, talking, having fun and, without a doubt, clicking. Of the three more days he was in town, we were together two.

 

 

Very little compares to the rush of new love and great sex. And I do believe that you could fall in love with a married person...But how it's handled IS KEY......(your boyfriend lied about his marital status so he has issues )

I am of no help by saying ...shoulda, woulda, coulda...because you are looking for reassurance now which I can't give (and feel bad about because I'm the type that secretly hopes for all's well that ends well).

 

 

However......

 

 

I honestly feel the deadline will come and go and nothing will change. Please put yourself first, in a healthy way, and get the support needed to free yourself from this relationship.

 

 

 

 

Good Luck

[moonspinner]

I read your entire post Kismet.

 

 

 

IMO, seeking professional support will help you deal with this. It sounds huge.

 

 

 

 

Take care.

[kismet]

I do share everything with my psychologist, who I've been seeing for close to four years. She helps me a great deal, mostly making sure I protect myself, which is probably the biggest challenge. I have the (debatably) bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt (of course, we all do that more for the people we love), and I made the decision some time ago to believe, truly believe, that he became involved with me because of the state of his marriage, and that in a happy, fulfilling relationship, the temptation would not be there. He has expressed to me his concern that because of the circumstances surrounding our relationship, I may not trust him when we are together. I trust him because I love him, and what is love without trust?

 

I have both cheated and been in relationships where the thought never crossed my mind. I believe that it is the strength of each relationship and the commitment of each partner that cause infidelity or faithfulness, and therefore I will do everything I can to build a strong, healthy relationship with this man, without judging him by prior mistakes. We've all made them, and I believe in giving people a clean slate. Once.

 

Thanks for listening, and your input.

[Arabess]

Geez Kismet...I'm glad you put his initials on there or I would've thought it was the SAME GUY who did that to me!!! In my case, he was in the military and didn't even live with his family. I got suckered in like a complete IDIOT!

 

To make it worse...I broke it off a year ago....and he STILL tells me he loves me!!! But I'm thinking...maybe he did and does....but OBVIOUSLY not ENOUGH! I wish I would've listened to everyone. Like you though....I thought MY personal situation was special and different....and I held on till the roller coaster of emotions just weren't worth it anymore. I STILL fight that thin line between loving him and hating him....but I'd rather gnaw off my arm than go thru all that crap again.

 

I hope your situation turns out differently. I really do!!! I would like to hear that JUST ONE of these Assclowns really kept their word. However, do try to get emotionally prepared for the heartache from hell!

 

Arabess

[niceguysfinshlast]

if you want this guy wait. just dont put all ur eggs in his basket.

[moonspinner]

I agree with both Arabess and niceguysfinish last. This guy could be a total disconnect emotionally and mentally and be pushing you to the precipice OR he could be making a sincere effort in his own convoluted way.

 

You are going to wait up until the deadline right? After that, if nothing changes, I would disappear.

 

 

This sounds really messed up for saying, because I think cheaters stink, but if someone falls in love with a married man/woman and its for real, then leaving the person alone UNTIL after he straightens out his marriage or divorces is the only way to go....It will protect your axx, and give him the space to either suffer enough in a lousy marriage long enough until he can't stand it, or repair his marriage, or go find another to victimize...In any case, stepping back allows you to see what you really have.

 

If this is a true thing between the two of you, then NOTHING, like money, or children or the dog or whatever will hinder the natural course of your love. If anyone says thats not true, they are not being real. Practical considerations my behind... I have seen people leave marriages with lots of security, give up alot to be with the one they truly love....And they are still together ...but it was handled the right way.

 

 

 

 

Good Luck

[moonspinner]

P.S.

 

Sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, or wife makes it more difficult for him to see clearly. Because once that ball gets rolling, imo, the bandaid is on the booboo and the addiction, guilt, avoidance, procrastinaton, LYING, rationalization ...ad infinitum ...congeals into one big mess and the original question...should I stay or should I go gets tossed in the backseat, where if the affair lives long enough, gets looked at way after the fact and way after LOTS of damage is done to all.

[kismet]

Wow, it's amazing how similar situations can be, isn't it? We all think our own scenarios are unique unto themselves, which they are, to an extent, but at the same time... so parallel to others.

 

Arabess... god, I admire your strength for getting out. How hard must that have been for you!! Sounds like it's not entirely over though... he's still telling you he loves you?

 

I am waiting, yes, absolutely. He has my heart and my complete faith... until the deadline. The day after, if he has not kept his word, I intend to do just that: Disappear. With my heart intact, and my faith not irrepairably damaged. Not to mention every penny that he's been sending me for "us." On January 2nd, that becomes my recovery/relocation fund. I can find bright side of just about anything.

 

I have done my best to prepare myself for the worst... but am hoping I don't have to put my preparation to the test.

[Arabess]

The problem with waiting Kismet....is that you end up believing the "extension requests".....and it goes on and on and on. You may go no contact for a short while....then you'll miss him....take him back as married....then start the whole damn thing back over again.

 

In my case, he left for the war and I realized due to him not taking care of things in an EXPEDIENT manner....left me in a position where his body bag would go to his wife....or if he got hurt....the contact is with HER, not with me. If he ended up a POW...the Red Cross sure isn't going to forward MY letter. Based on those things....I was mad he put me in that position and cheapened my place in his life. All the promises and "I love you's" from her to eternity won't change me feeling shut out from the man I love during a war situation. I'll NEVER forgive him.

 

Okay....back to you. I would never want to dishearten you. I DO believe all situations are different. However, I was part of a private forum a group of women started who were all in the same 'Other woman' situation. There were about 15-20 of us thru the time we posted (almost a year). ONLY ONE actually ended up leaving his wife....and he ended up being quite the disappointment. We keep in touch on email...some are still waiting....some of us broke it off. Basically though....every story was the same.

 

I'm truly hoping YOURS will prove to be all that you dream for it to be. I'm hoping this because I know the love you share with this man.....means EVERYTHING to you....and always will.

[cenilla]

I hope this man had openly talked with his wife about the divorce. If he is talking"a lot" to his lawyer behind his wife's back, it's just too cruel and tooooo mean.

[kismet]

I have felt much the same way even outside a war situation like yours, Arabess, where if anything were to happen to him, no one would even know to contact me. And it hurts sometimes to know that none of his family knows about me, etc., though a few of his close friends do. But that is all part of what I have chosen to put myself into, so I must live with my own choices.

 

What I will not tolerate, however, is one single extension request. That is one thing I am adamant about; I could not live with myself if I allowed him to go past the "due date." It is the one and only date he has ever given me, and I will hold him to it, or he is gone-- more accurately, I am.

 

And, as far as he has told me, his wife is well aware of the situation-- he gave her the same timeline, told her to plan on not being married anymore by the end of the year. Of course she is trying to take him for all she can, but they have pretty much come to terms as far as custody, etc., and he says it shouldn't be a drawn out thing. He will do what the law says he has to, whatever it takes to get out. I've told him more than once, "Just don't lose track of time." He promises not to.

[enigma430]

Kismet,

 

Continue to wait. Eventually, he will leave his wife for you and you both will be very happy.

 

I know; my ex-husband left me for an acquaintance of ours after 18 years of marriage. She had been waiting a year and half for him to leave me and he did. Two years ago, I asked him to make a decision between her and I and he told me that he could not make a decision so, I made it for him. I helped him pack and quietly divorced him. It was better to live alone than to have someone tell you that they do not love you anymore. It was better to live alone than to watch the person that you love the most leave your home to go see the other woman. I alos need to mention that she also left her husband for mine.

 

It has been two years and they are extremely happy with each other after all, they are soul mates. She has met his parents and everything is just fine with them. They will get married according to the both of them. So there is hope for you!

 

Don't give up.

[zuzupetalz]

Two years ago, I asked him to make a decision between her and I and he told me that he could not make a decision so, I made it for him. I helped him pack and quietly divorced him.

 

Oh enigma430. That is sad. But you see what you said was he couldn't make the decision so you made it for him.

 

If you didn't, maybe he wouldn't have left?

 

I think its so generous of you to give the poster hope, especially after your experience.

 

 

I hope you are happy now...and I hope it works out for Kismet too.

 

 

 

 

 

zzp.

[Arabess]

Enigma,

I think there is a tendency for any of us who have been the "Other Woman" to support each other because generally, it's a really painful experience. After hearing what a bitch she is, how she doesn't give him any sex, she takes all his money, he's leaving at the first chance he gets, etc...etc....we are prone to view the "Wife" as the enemy, instead of realizing what a victim she really is.

 

Too bad every Other Woman in the world can't read your post and realize affairs shatter every life it touches. I thank you alot for sharing your situation.

 

I do believe there is a time a marriage has run it's course and maybe it's time to move on. However, it would be a far better thing if people would END one relationship before beginning another. Since the beginning of time though....the overlap has always been there.....and is surely to remain.

 

Again, THANKS......and I hope your life is one day full of all the things which make you smile.

 

Arabess

[enigma430]

Zuzupetalz and Arabess,

 

Thank you so much for being so kind. My life was almost destroyed by my ex and this woman. I think my ex would have left anyway; he was too much of a coward to make a decision. I just could not bare the pain any longer of seeing him leaving every night to see this woman and then return to my home like nothing was wrong. I felt like he was punishing me since he was being so cruel about it. For my sanity’s sake I asked him to leave. That was the saddest day of my life. After he left, I just dropped to my knees and writhed on the floor like a dying animal. It was horrible and I do not wish this pain on anyone; not even the other woman. My family just fell apart after this. I still cry once in a while specially when I am in any family environment.

 

As for Kismet, if she waits long enough she will get what she wants. They will be happy with each other like my ex and his woman are. I just hope she thinks about the pain that she will cause to an entire family. The damage that is done is irreparable. If she can wipe out her entire conscience then, she will be ok. What am I saying; there is no conscience in destroying another woman’s family. I just wish her the best. Although I am having a lot of trouble forgetting, at least I can forgive.

[Arabess]

To be honest Enigma....These guys are the Spineless Wonders of the World. Had you not chosen to put yours OUT.....he would probably still be there trying to figure out what the hell to do.

 

I would have made the same choice you did.....and died the same death.

 

I'm so sorry Enigma....NO ONE should have to hurt like that. In your case, it was YOU by choice....it most cases though....it's the other woman. I still think it is better to have a "painful end".....than a "pain with no end".

 

I HATE these guys and the games they play.

 

Ararbess

[kismet]

Enigma, thank you for that input. I recognize that everyone involved in such a situation is hurt; the jaded side of me wants to say, "Except the man..." but I won't. It hurts them too (though I have to wonder if it's comparable to the womens.'), not to mention any children involved.

How refreshing and admirable to read your perspective with the positivity you convey, and comforting to know that there are people like you out there; a woman who is able to wish me luck, when wives and mistresses are generally each other's most bitter enemy. Thank you for being an inspiration to me to see beyond the unnecessary rivalry. God bless-- I wish you nothing but the best.

[kismet]

Come to think of it, does anyone think that the guys do suffer even close to as much as the women, in either side of these relationships? I know that they don't actually have "the best of both worlds," as some people would say, but do they even realize what kind of suffering the women they're involved with are going through?

[Arabess]

Good question Kismet. I don't always think they have the 'best of two worlds'...BUT....they do have there home needs met and their love/sex needs met. Whereas the women involved....only have one or the other which doesn't make a totally fulfilling relationship for either one.

 

Not to mention that "sharing" the guy you love is really a ludicrous way to accept love period. It's not the norm....which I think it's why we all end up going a little nutsy during the thing. Loce is supposed to be about shouting it proudly from the rooftops...not hiding in an alley. I don't think it's fair for a guy to expect the woman he supposingly loves to be hidden away.....NOR do I understand why a guy ends up staying for a woman he supposingly doesn't love or have any sort of a relationship with. He's either a good liar or totally delusional.

 

As for your question about if they hurt like the women do? I doubt it. I think they spend so much time justifying their actions in their own mind....they wouldn't know the truth if it kicked them in the A$$! Sometimes I think ALL of them should have "It's all about me" permanantly tattoed on their forehead.

[Adonaicole]

Here's a different perspective on the issue. I'm a man whose wife was involved in extra-curricular activities. She stopped sleeping with me, wouldn't kiss me, all that stuff. I did not cheat on her. Even when I was sure that she was cheating on me, I did not cheat on her. Even after she moved out, I waited 6 months before sleeping with anyone. Bottom line (and this is just my opinion) if you come across someone in a bad marriage, it is OK to sympathize with them, it is even OK to love them (Lord knows they need love and support), but it is not a good idea to sleep with them. Because if their marriage is failing, it takes the pressure off of them dealing with the situation and if they are lying to get a little sexual variety they will soon leave you alone.

[meimei]

you have my great respect, enigama! It took a lot of love, strength, wisdom and self-respect to do what you did, and, not every wowan is able to do so!

 

Married man do leave their wives for their lovers. Some even killed their wives to get out of their marriage...

 

 

Statistics say about 25% men who have affairs leave their wives for the third woman, but 65% of these men get divorced within 18 month after they remarried....

 

In my opinion, no matter this man leave or stay with his wife, this affair is not an "Exception" but a classic.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Adonaicole

Because if their marriage is failing, it takes the pressure off of them dealing with the situation and if they are lying to get a little sexual variety they will soon leave you alone.

 

Hey Adoni....Good to see you posting!!

 

I totally agree that by sleeping with a married person....you become a co-dependent in keeping them from dealing with the probs in the marriage. You are giving them an out....a pacifier. I think a man or woman who DOES NOT have an affair is more likely to either work on the problems....or decide to get a divorce.

[Adonaicole]

Exactly right Arabess, because I didn't have a pacifier, I had a lot of pressure building that forced me to confront the situation, however unpleasant the confrontation was. After all is said and done, I'm glad I waited. Because now I am happy and can go on with my life with a clean conscience. When I was married, I did think about "revenge sex" but the truth is the best revenge is just being happy after the marriage is over.

[little wing]

Bottom line (and this is just my opinion) if you come across someone in a bad marriage, it is OK to sympathize with them, it is even OK to love them (Lord knows they need love and support), but it is not a good idea to sleep with them. Because if their marriage is failing, it takes the pressure off of them dealing with the situation and if they are lying to get a little sexual variety they will soon leave you alone.

 

 

 

Absolutely and unequivocally yes, yes, yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeesssssssss. do I agree with this poster!

 

 

If two folks are destined to be together NOTHING will stand in the way of the force of nature.

 

 

AND if you really love your married man/ woman try to keepyour bloomers on cause that will confuse the issues flushing around a crappy marriage.

 

 

Either your married would be paramour will....

 

Repair their marriage and you MUST bow out OR they will leave the marriage and you can proceed with caution OR they will emerge as the sleaze they really are and leave you alone if you don't drop 'em

for them...

 

In that case just think that you avoided becoming the sorry pile of what happened by a user with a fire in his pants...

 

I am not advocating affairs, or even putting your heart in the hands of an already-spoken-for...but I am thinking there is a lot of sense in the what this poster has said about the bleeding heart and the bandaid ( would-be OW) in a bad marriage.