dcrdsknsfan Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Good morning all, I hope this is the right place to write this. And if anyone can relate or wants to talk, please let me know. I met the man of my dreams last spring and we fell deeply in love quickly, although married (unhappily) to other people. We found an amazing connection with one another and planned on being together and having a great life. In Oct, he was diagnosed with Leukemia and died this April from sepsis. Of course, by choosing this path of loving a married man, I don't have a support system and not allowed to talk about how much I miss him. How sad I am that we won't ever be able to live a happy life together. Again, if anyone has gone through this and would like to chat, Im here. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I feel so much for you. Anybody here who has loved a married man will feel for you. The OW is usually the secret and it is rare that we can talk to family or firends about the Married Man. It is an isolating siutation. That is bad enough in itself but for him to die is dreadful for you. Can you talk to anybody at all? Have you thought about going to counselling? MY thoughts are with you, Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Wow, that is really sad !! All I can think of to say is it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. At least he got peace and comfort in you before leaving this earth. Stay strong ! WOW!:eek::eek: Link to post Share on other sites
Author dcrdsknsfan Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. While sad, I don't regret him for a second. We were awesome, and we did prove to each other that there can be peace, no anger, respect, and true love with the right person. I will always miss him and what we had. BUT... It also convinced me that I could never do it again. To watch him (from a distance) get sick, go through chemo, lose 40 lbs, be scared, and be in the hospital for 2 weeks before he died, and not be allowed to be with him then or for the funeral was complete and utter hell. I will NEVER put myself in that position again and hope that no one has to go through it. Good luck everyone. Even when it's good, being the other "person" is hard. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. While sad, I don't regret him for a second. We were awesome, and we did prove to each other that there can be peace, no anger, respect, and true love with the right person. I will always miss him and what we had. BUT... It also convinced me that I could never do it again. To watch him (from a distance) get sick, go through chemo, lose 40 lbs, be scared, and be in the hospital for 2 weeks before he died, and not be allowed to be with him then or for the funeral was complete and utter hell. I will NEVER put myself in that position again and hope that no one has to go through it. Good luck everyone. Even when it's good, being the other "person" is hard. I wish you the best. I'm so sorry you went through all that The stuff in bold is so heartbreaking. I'm glad that you can at least look back and appreciate the time you had with him and the love you shared. I'm so sorry for your loss and for being on the outskirts watching at the end. ***HUGS*** Take care of yourself Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm sorry that you are hurting. There is another OW who posted about her MM dying. I'm not sure if she is still posting because I haven't read here in awhile. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm so sorry you are going through this. :bunny:HUG:bunny: ... I want you to think of the happy times you shared with each other. Smile from the memories you have with him and pray that he's in a better place. He's not longer in any pain. Cry and weep let all of your emotions go. Loving someone means loving them regardless of how that love has come to be. If you ever need to chat or laugh drop in and we'll keep you company. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I've never been through that and I cannot even imagine your pain...another member posted a similar sentiment in terms of her former MM dying after they had not communicated in years, although she still loved him. It's good that you reached out here...you HAVE to be able to get these feelings off your chest and not bottle them up. I know the situation puts you in an even more awkward position as far as that goes, but regardless, you still have feelings and grief you need to deal with. If you can get a grief counselor you should. I know the thoughts of what could have been hurts and you probably feel cheated, but the good news is that through all this pain, you can live and love again. I think all horrible situations have a silver lining or can be transformed into something useful. What happened, proves that life is too short and you want to live it in the fullest and in a way that causes the least pain and regrets. Maybe now you can decide if there is anything worth salvaging with your husband? If God forbid, he died too, how would you feel? While he's still here, maybe things can be worked out and if not, you should say goodbye and go out and find happiness elsewhere. Do all the things you've wanted to do and it's definitely possible for you to love again! It may help to read stories of women who have been in such positions or anyone really who has lost the love of their lives and how they coped and how many of them lived through the pain to brighter days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dcrdsknsfan Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Wow, I'm overwhelmed with the support here. Thank you so much. MissBee you touched me with your words and I appreciate it. Today is two months since his passing and time isn't my friend right now. It definitely gets harder not easier to wake up every morning. I am a strong woman and will get through this. I read our emails and I know our relationship was a good thing no matter how it started. His wife treated him abysmally and was abusive to him emotionally, verbally, and physically. And yes I believe that she was. He called too many times in tears to not believe. Her favorite attacks were to berate him in front of friends and family. Shockingly, she has been my biggest advocate of healing. Weird but true. I am able to follow her on Facebook and it's maddening how much attention this psycho demands from her "friends". She spent 15,000 on the funeral and didn't include his family in any of the planning or the event itself, but is demanding that they pay for it. She stopped wearing her wedding ring after about a month and just got back from a trip to Disney and off to the beach next week with her girlfriends. Seriously??? For me, knowing that he escaped her and her torturous ways is a huge relief. I wish things were different and we could have been together but he is in a better place and no longer in huge pain that he suffered through everyday. As far as my life... I am making a go with my husband. He did find out about us last spring and we were separated until this April. He does not know the relationship continued and that MM died. He has made great strides in fixing his controllling, verbally abusive ways and stopped drinking. He does deserve a chance and things are better between us. I hide my grief and sadness from him and try and heal. Well, I guess that is my journal entry today... Thanks for "listening". Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Wow, I'm overwhelmed with the support here. Thank you so much. MissBee you touched me with your words and I appreciate it. Today is two months since his passing and time isn't my friend right now. It definitely gets harder not easier to wake up every morning. I am a strong woman and will get through this. I read our emails and I know our relationship was a good thing no matter how it started. His wife treated him abysmally and was abusive to him emotionally, verbally, and physically. And yes I believe that she was. He called too many times in tears to not believe. Her favorite attacks were to berate him in front of friends and family. Shockingly, she has been my biggest advocate of healing. Weird but true. I am able to follow her on Facebook and it's maddening how much attention this psycho demands from her "friends". She spent 15,000 on the funeral and didn't include his family in any of the planning or the event itself, but is demanding that they pay for it. She stopped wearing her wedding ring after about a month and just got back from a trip to Disney and off to the beach next week with her girlfriends. Seriously??? For me, knowing that he escaped her and her torturous ways is a huge relief. I wish things were different and we could have been together but he is in a better place and no longer in huge pain that he suffered through everyday. As far as my life... I am making a go with my husband. He did find out about us last spring and we were separated until this April. He does not know the relationship continued and that MM died. He has made great strides in fixing his controllling, verbally abusive ways and stopped drinking. He does deserve a chance and things are better between us. I hide my grief and sadness from him and try and heal. Well, I guess that is my journal entry today... Thanks for "listening". He is indeed in a better place Your journey here continues and you have to make it a good one. If your husband is controlling, verbally abusive and an alcoholic...is this a relationship you want to resume? I brought him up and the possibility of reconciling if it is worth it, since life is so short but he doesn't seem like a prize at all and if he isn't worth it, you need to move forward. We have more than one soul mate on earth, that is my belief and if the one you love cannot be with you for whatever reason, through death, married to someone else etc...there are others. Everyone is unique and is not replaceable but you can enjoy a unique and fulfilling connection again with someone else. If your husband is not it...don't try to force it. Focus on yourself and your healing and surround yourself with those who love you and make it a point to have your time to grieve and cry if you need to. You don't need to be with your husband who doesn't know any of this, which will lead to you having to hide it and bottle it up. Also make it a point each day to do a service to your former lover and yourself, by doing something that makes you happy and by enjoying something about your day and being thankful about something in your life. The pain often gets worst before it gets better dcrdsknsfan but it does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dcrdsknsfan Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Thank you Missbee, you are a gift to everyone on this site. As far as soulmates go... I was indeed lucky enough to meet mine. He was definitely my other half and wish I didnt have to lose him at 39. He was such a great person and everyone who knew him, loved him. My husband, while not a soulmate, has been and is proving once again that he is a good person and loves me. I will give him a chance as he has earned it and so does the 20 yr relationship. Getting through this day by day. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
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