Relationship with ex boss

[Hedgehog]

I would like to appologize for the length of this thread, but i really need help and desperate

I have been working in a company for the last 3.5 years. I am married with 2 kids and currently on maternity.

There was this guy, my boss, i didn't have a crush on him from the beginning. He invited me once to go with him on a business trip and i think from there where it all started. We didn't have sex, i have to mention(back then i wasnt ready for this). We worked together perfectly well, he promoted me, raised a salary and many times told me very private stuff related to job. I know he trusted me a lot, he was really thankfull for the job i was doing. He is married with kids.

The thing is that he was flriting with me all the time. I can't really explain it, but the way he looked at me was causing me to tremble. I wanted to finish this, so i was playing cold, but every time i did it, he started to be nervous and running around or sending stupid emails. So i melted, so he flirted again, and again it went nowhere. So i played cold again, and again he got nervous.. And so on and on. Everytime i was talking about my husband, i could see he didn't really like it.

Last year i got pregnant and told him that i am taking a year maternity. of course, while i was pregnant i wasn't interedted in anything...

Now he quit the job a month ago so i went to his leave party. I look good taking into account the little time passed since the birth of my kid. And again! This eyes! His is really a master of a sight! He drilled me with his eyes. He flirted with me with no words! I said to myself: ok, he is not my boss anymore, let me try. First, i tried to add him in the facebook, and guess what? He didnt' accept and didn't reject! I was hanging there for weeks, until i cancelled a request. I said to myself that i have to finish this asap, but there was another party where everything repeated.

In the last party he got drunk and proposed me a lift home, since I had my own car I refused. He was also "crying on my shoulder " about how bad he was treated when he left and about other things too. Afterwards, he was telling me how he is trying to keep in touch with everyone and organizing a party at his home and calling some employees to come, without inviting me of course. Also that he is having lunches with other employees. By talking to other people I realized that most of it was a lie. I don't understand why he had to lie to me about that!!!!! Why?! He was also staring at my lips while talking.

I am so tired and want to get out of this, i don't know how. I have a wonderful husband, we have great sex, but it doesn't help. Every time i see my ex boss i get crazy! he is really having a physic influence on me and i can't get out of it.

Can someone explain why he behaves like this? Does he like to see me suffering? He knows i am suffering, he knows what causes me to suffer and talks about it.

[whichwayisup]

You are/were playing the cat and mouse game with him and him with you.

 

BE GLAD nothing happened. The flirting and ego feeds are stupid and pointless since you both are married and you with a new little one!

 

Where is your loyality to your husband? Why do you feel the need to chase after another man when you have one at home, the guy you married! If you put half as much energy into your H, communicated with your H that you are unhappy, then your H at best, could be trying to meet your needs abit more.

Every time i see my ex boss i get crazy! he is really having a physic influence on me and i can't get out of it.

 

Stop blaming him. You keep putting yourself in situations where you'll see him. You are a grown woman with a mind that can make decisions.

 

Think of your husband..How would he feel if he knew you were sniffing around another man, let alone a married one? Also, how would YOU feel if your H was chasing another woman, doing what you're doing behind his back?

 

And your kids..Your family unit as one. Are you really willing to throw it all away and do damage to your relationship/marriage for a guy who is married and is playing games with you? Why did you let yourself get attached to this MM?

 

Please think about what it is you're doing and why. And, imagine your H finding out what you've been doing and how he would feel, let alone deal with you and lose trust, faith in you. Learn boundries with other guys and don't take it to the level where it affects you so much and interfers with your marriage.

 

My reply may be harsh but you need a wake up call before you DO something stupid and lose all that you know (husband, family unit as one, house, the comforts and lifestyle you're used to).. STOP AND THINK. Is what you're doing really worth it?

[BB07]

This guy who was your boss is no catch. If you don't want your world turned upside down (in a really bad way).....leave it alone.

 

WWIU gave you some good advice, it would be to your advantage to follow it. Good luck.

[Hedgehog]

The true reason for me chasing for another man is a fact that my husband is the only man in my life. I got married early (23). I had boy friends before, but I didn't want to have sex with them. Then I met my husband, fell in love, wanted him physically and we got married after 3 years of dating. I am 30 now with 2 kids. The thing is that men always looked at me, I am sexy and attractive girl, but I always ignored them. The thing is that this guy, my boss, looks at me in a way that noone before him did! He just lights me up so quickly! I wanna jump on him just when he looked at my lips while we were talking! This never happened to me before !!!! He has a huge influence on me and I become like crazy when he is around.

I frankly don't know how to fight this...

[whichwayisup]

How to fight this? Tell your husband what you've been doing. See his reaction.

 

You need to stop doing what you're doing, otherwise you could lose your husband and the life you've become accustomed to. And, then you'll have total regret and wish you never chased after another guy..Let alone a MM.

 

Stop being so selfish and get some fun hobbies to give you a thrill and get your heart pumping. To justify what you're doing because you've only slept with one man isn't a reason to do what you're doing! Get some counselling to help you cope and deal with you lusting after other men. You CAN control this..You just don't want to.

 

How would YOU feel if your H was doing this and you found out?

 

Go read some stories in the infidelity section about the pain and suffering betrayed spouses go through.

 

Maybe your H will allow you to wander and experience other men, have an open marriage, that way you both can have sex with others.

[Hedgehog]

This guy who was your boss is no catch. If you don't want your world turned upside down (in a really bad way).....leave it alone.

 

WWIU gave you some good advice, it would be to your advantage to follow it. Good luck.

 

My brain tells me NO, but my body is all for this. I don't know how to fight this. Any idea? Will be a one on one meeting with this guy a good idea? Frank talk? Or it's a bad idea?

[whichwayisup]

My brain tells me NO, but my body is all for this. I don't know how to fight this. Any idea? Will be a one on one meeting with this guy a good idea? Frank talk? Or it's a bad idea?

 

Stop and think of your husband and marriage.

 

READ my response to you. Really read it sink in.

 

You are choosing this because you're acting selfish!! YOU are married! If you are having a mid life crisis, then go talk to a professional!! DO marriage counselling. MAKE TIME FOR YOUR H. GO on dates with him and get a sitter for the kids. Stop wasting time on other men, let alone this MM. Stop being selfish.

[BB07]

My brain tells me NO, but my body is all for this. I don't know how to fight this. Any idea? Will be a one on one meeting with this guy a good idea? Frank talk? Or it's a bad idea?

 

 

I have doubts that a "real" 30 year old woman would be asking these questions. You are either incredibly naive or hate to say it if it's not so......but troll like.

 

Just in case you are real......NO, you don't meet with him nor talk to him nor tell him how you feel. You cut it ALL off, no looks, no talking, nada. You owe him nothing and you owe your family everything.

[Hedgehog]

I have doubts that a "real" 30 year old woman would be asking these questions. You are either incredibly naive or hate to say it if it's not so......but troll like.

 

Just in case you are real......NO, you don't meet with him nor talk to him nor tell him how you feel. You cut it ALL off, no looks, no talking, nada. You owe him nothing and you owe your family everything.

 

I am real AND naive... As I said not too much experience in relationships

[Hedgehog]

No meeting with him is simply your way of trying to get this affair to move forward. Confessing your feelings will not put this to a end. You need to communicate with your H and tell him whats going on

Ok, I told him already... I didn't tell him explicitly that I want this man, but he understood it I think. He is trying to make a joke out of it, but I know he is upset. I know if I had sex with this man, it would be a huge mess in my life...

The only reason I told him is the fact that he is super open minded guy and knows that I didn't have men before him. So right now he is kinda escaping this, I guess he doesn't know how to deal with this whole situation

[Hedgehog]

No meeting with him is simply your way of trying to get this affair to move forward. Confessing your feelings will not put this to a end. You need to communicate with your H and tell him whats going on

 

It's so hard for me to admit, but you are right. I don't want this to end, I want this to continue... This is really bad.....I feel whore...

[BB07]

I am real AND naive... As I said not too much experience in relationships

 

Then please read and read some more here and in the infidelity section.

 

Most people get to a stage in their marriage where they are attracted to someone else, the same old. same old gets boring. An affair is not the answer. Do research on what you can do for your marriage and research the heartbreak that affairs bring and don't delude yourself into thinking what you and that guy might have is special and different. It is not......98% of the time. You don't want to bring that pain to yourself or your family.

[fooled once]

For heavens sake, quit with all the excuses.

 

You just had a baby. You say you love your husband so show it.

 

Pretty sad that a boss treats his employee well and the employee develops a crush and knows it is totally inappropriate yet makes excuses to see him and why she wants to betray her husband

(because he looks at your lips when talking)

 

You do realize many peopled this, especially those with hearing issues!

 

You don't work for him anymore so there is no reason to see him or talk to him.

 

Concentrate on your newborn and your other child. Be 100% honest with your spouse - tell him that you seriously want to f*ck your order boss and you are in lust with him. If you can't be faithful - get a divorce.

 

Life is full of temptations. Learn to control yourself and be a role model for your kids. I guess I dont get how it is so hard to be a faithful wife. Men flirt with me, but that doesn't mean I should pull up my skirt and have sex with them.

[whichwayisup]

I am real AND naive... As I said not too much experience in relationships

 

But you know the difference between right and wrong. You know your H will be hurt and feel so betrayed. The way he looks at you, feels about you, trusts you will change forever..That love and innocence he has in his eyes ALL gone in a matter of moments when he finds out you've cheated on him. And yes, he WILL one day find out.

 

You've been told and warned, so don't say you're naive and don't know what you're doing.. WE are telling you!!!! Unless you can't read or understand what has been said..

 

Ok, I told him already... I didn't tell him explicitly that I want this man, but he understood it I think. He is trying to make a joke out of it, but I know he is upset. I know if I had sex with this man, it would be a huge mess in my life...

The only reason I told him is the fact that he is super open minded guy and knows that I didn't have men before him. So right now he is kinda escaping this, I guess he doesn't know how to deal with this whole situation

 

The guy in his own way is letting you know he isn't into you the way you are into him. He's messing with your mind, playing a game. He remembers he's married and isn't going to go for you. He doesn't want to deal with this, the way he is acting shows you this.

 

It's so hard for me to admit, but you are right. I don't want this to end, I want this to continue... This is really bad.....I feel whore...

 

Atleast you're being honest and know you're selfish and you know what you want to do, even though it doesn't seem like you care much if you ruin your marriage and family life to get what you want.

 

YOU WILL regret this. One day..You'll wish you listened to everybody on here, but it'll be too late.

[OldOnTheInside]

I am actually slightly surprised by you husband's inaction.

 

You have said that you only implied your feelings for your xboss to your husband. What you need to do is make your feelings 100% clear to H, then you can both nip this issue in the bud before it escalates.

 

ASAP.

[Hedgehog]

Don't know if he is into me or not but the guy is a pathological liar... Not only when it came to me, but also at the job, moreover - he is a bad man. Things that he has done to some resources were just horrible!

Maybe I am attracted to bad men...

At the first business trip I escaped to a friend at night instead of going back with him to hotel. He WAS upset when I told him I am going to visit a friend that night. For the second business trip he was trying to push me so hard so I can go, even though frankly I wasn't needed there at all. But he was trying to convince management so I go, and him as well...

Can I really be so mistaken?? Can it really be everything in my head?? When I came to his leave party he told me thanks before I left. But then he also sent me a message at mid night thanking me for coming, and that it was nice to see me... Why? If he is not into me, why he is doing all these things?

I am not trying to convince myself, I am just trying to understand...

 

In any case, I am going to work with my husband on our relationship, thanks for opening my eyes... I think what's happening is also related to hormones and pregnancy... I will get back to normal soon, I hope...

[Hedgehog]

I am actually slightly surprised by you husband's inaction.

 

You have said that you only implied your feelings for your xboss to your husband. What you need to do is make your feelings 100% clear to H, then you can both nip this issue in the bud before it escalates.

 

ASAP.

My husband is very relaxed guy. The fact that he didn't yell or break something doesnt mean he is ok with this. Actually he told me that he doesn't know how to have sex back, because he thinks I am going to think about other man while doing this. I guess I put myself into a big mess now...

[Breezy Trousers]

The true reason for me chasing for another man is a fact that my husband is the only man in my life. I got married early (23). I had boy friends before, but I didn't want to have sex with them. Then I met my husband, fell in love, wanted him physically and we got married after 3 years of dating. I am 30 now with 2 kids. The thing is that men always looked at me, I am sexy and attractive girl, but I always ignored them. The thing is that this guy, my boss, looks at me in a way that noone before him did! He just lights me up so quickly! I wanna jump on him just when he looked at my lips while we were talking! This never happened to me before !!!! He has a huge influence on me and I become like crazy when he is around.

I frankly don't know how to fight this...

 

Hedgehog, I completely understand. My experience involved a powerful man at work. He also came on to me repeatedly. I was flattered. I stayed away for two years but, like you, it was an intense struggle. Love fog is rough stuff! I tried to rationalize my attraction to him by telling myself I had only slept with two men in my life and my husband had been unfaithful to me before 2001 -- blah, blah, blah. It's all just justification.

 

I came to the conclusion that the MM in my situtation is suffering from a personality disorder (NPD or BPD). Perhaps yours is, too (pathological lying?). Understanding the nature of personality disorders helped me not take MM's interest in me personally and walk away unharmed. It takes what it takes.

 

Regardless --

 

The problem isn't the MM's lies, but our own self-deception while in love fog. That's why this forum is so helpful. There are many people who have dealt with this same situation who call us on our crap. They aren't against OW -- not usually -- but are often former OW who are committed to supporting OW truly rather than their delusions.

 

It's a great sign that you came here. It means you want the truth. Keep coming back!

 

P.S. Congrats to you and your husband on your new baby.

[Breezy Trousers]

I wanted to address something else --

 

Yes, the stare.

 

Please read "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. I have a feeling it will hit home for you.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Love-Psychopaths-Sandra-L-Brown/dp/0977801322

 

Not all MM have personality disorders, of course. In fact, most don't. However, for those who do, the characteristics are unmistakeable.

 

That's up for you to decide.

 

If any of this resonates for you and your experience, then self-education on this topic will do much to alleviate love fog.

[Hedgehog]

Yes, the stare... Flirty stare or gaze is around couple of seconds... But his gaze is so prolonged and strong that sometimes it even scared me a bit! It could last for more than a minute, and i was the one that usually gave up and looked aside. After all this discussion here and when I think more about it I realize that even if I was single and him too I am not sure I could go for it. This kind of man can bring lots of pain into my life, I don't even know how he could behave after having sex...

And yes, I don't want my husband to do me what I am doing to him right now, I would freak if he will tell me something like this!! And it's also not fair to him, he is a great dad to my kids, helps me a lot at home, very tollerNt and always supportive no matter what! And I do behave like a spoiled kid

Well, I guess self analysis and TIME will heal it. At least I hope so

[bentnotbroken]

I would like to appologize for the length of this thread, but i really need help and desperate

I have been working in a company for the last 3.5 years. I am married with 2 kids and currently on maternity.

There was this guy, my boss, i didn't have a crush on him from the beginning. He invited me once to go with him on a business trip and i think from there where it all started. We didn't have sex, i have to mention(back then i wasnt ready for this). We worked together perfectly well, he promoted me, raised a salary and many times told me very private stuff related to job. I know he trusted me a lot, he was really thankfull for the job i was doing. He is married with kids.

The thing is that he was flriting with me all the time. I can't really explain it, but the way he looked at me was causing me to tremble. I wanted to finish this, so i was playing cold, but every time i did it, he started to be nervous and running around or sending stupid emails. So i melted, so he flirted again, and again it went nowhere. So i played cold again, and again he got nervous.. And so on and on. Everytime i was talking about my husband, i could see he didn't really like it.

Last year i got pregnant and told him that i am taking a year maternity. of course, while i was pregnant i wasn't interedted in anything...

Now he quit the job a month ago so i went to his leave party. I look good taking into account the little time passed since the birth of my kid. And again! This eyes! His is really a master of a sight! He drilled me with his eyes. He flirted with me with no words! I said to myself: ok, he is not my boss anymore, let me try. First, i tried to add him in the facebook, and guess what? He didnt' accept and didn't reject! I was hanging there for weeks, until i cancelled a request. I said to myself that i have to finish this asap, but there was another party where everything repeated.

In the last party he got drunk and proposed me a lift home, since I had my own car I refused. He was also "crying on my shoulder " about how bad he was treated when he left and about other things too. Afterwards, he was telling me how he is trying to keep in touch with everyone and organizing a party at his home and calling some employees to come, without inviting me of course. Also that he is having lunches with other employees. By talking to other people I realized that most of it was a lie. I don't understand why he had to lie to me about that!!!!! Why?! He was also staring at my lips while talking.

I am so tired and want to get out of this, i don't know how. I have a wonderful husband, we have great sex, but it doesn't help. Every time i see my ex boss i get crazy! he is really having a physic influence on me and i can't get out of it.

Can someone explain why he behaves like this? Does he like to see me suffering? He knows i am suffering, he knows what causes me to suffer and talks about it.

 

 

He treats you that way because you act like a teen easily influenced a manipulated. Why don't you ask your husband why he treats you like that?

[Hedgehog]

I did, the reason is because I am letting him to. Normal people will tell **** off and leave me alone, but I listen to his problems every time he needed it... Reply or try to support... This is stupid, I know. I know that part of the problem is me. I always attracted these kind of people to me.

[BB07]

Yes, the stare... Flirty stare or gaze is around couple of seconds... But his gaze is so prolonged and strong that sometimes it even scared me a bit! It could last for more than a minute, and i was the one that usually gave up and looked aside. After all this discussion here and when I think more about it I realize that even if I was single and him too I am not sure I could go for it. This kind of man can bring lots of pain into my life, I don't even know how he could behave after having sex...

And yes, I don't want my husband to do me what I am doing to him right now, I would freak if he will tell me something like this!! And it's also not fair to him, he is a great dad to my kids, helps me a lot at home, very tollerNt and always supportive no matter what! And I do behave like a spoiled kid

Well, I guess self analysis and TIME will heal it. At least I hope so

 

Big mistake in thinking that time alone and self analysis will take care of it. You've already let it go far enough that you are wanting him when you already know it's bad for you. So how are you going to put the brakes on this and what are you going to do in the future to prevent it from happening again (because it will, because you are shining like a beacon for a man who has questionable scruples to swoop on in)????

 

Some of us have learned our lessons the hard way........don't be a naive trusting fool and ruin your life as you know it.

[Hedgehog]

Big mistake in thinking that time alone and self analysis will take care of it. You've already let it go far enough that you are wanting him when you already know it's bad for you. So how are you going to put the brakes on this and what are you going to do in the future to prevent it from happening again (because it will, because you are shining like a beacon for a man who has questionable scruples to swoop on in)????

 

Some of us have learned our lessons the hard way........don't be a naive trusting fool and ruin your life as you know it.

 

So how then for god's sake???? How should I fight it then?

[BB07]

So how then for god's sake???? How should I fight it then?

 

When you think about him, you stop yourself, you distract yourself with something else that IS important. (you have self control, right?) You focus on your FAMILY, you avoid him like the plague, you don't interact with him, you get some therapy or some marriage counseling, you and your husband attend a marriage retreat, you spice things up with your hubby, you take up new hobbies, you volunteer with those less fortunate, you start a website/blog, etc., etc.,

 

And good grief......stop acting like you are powerless over him/this.

 

You've had the benifit of good advice here and if you've been reading here you've read of a lot of heartbreak, so if you go on with it I won't feel sorry for you, because unlike a lot of us.........you have information as your disposal.