UPDATE! 1 year after first DDAY and 7 months NC!

[flowergirl77]

I mistakenly posted this on the infidelity forum, and already have people who want to be confrontational about my post...I reposted here where others may get something beneficial out of my experiences. Here it is:

 

 

Hello all LS peoples!

 

I have not been on here in months, as I just got to the point that I was feeling so stuck in my misery and had nothing new to say.

 

I am happy to say my HB and I are together and things are finally improving and we are making progress-BUT it has not been without more challenges!

 

Last month my HB Mom passed away very suddenly and we had a 5 day separation during that time. Things reached a new emotionally charged state and I felt like I could not take it any more-I wanted out.

We both saw lawyers and were heading for divorce full speed ahead. I saw the fear, heartbreak, and confusion on my 6 year old daughters face when I tried to explain "Mommy and Daddy won't be living in the same house anymore." Long story short, I couldn't go through with it, and we both came to the realization that we don't want that for our family, and we want to stay together if at all possible, and we have both recommited to the MG.

 

We both have been in IC and have had some MC. I am pursuing my own interests finally, and am taking schooling to become a Registered Professional Counselor. I have always wanted to pursue this carrer goal...and now nothing is stopping me. I hope to some day help other couples stay together when facing challenges, and be inspiration to others.

 

I have had zero contact with the xOM..he moved 2 hours out of town and I don't have to fear running into him somewhere. I think of him with fondness, and have no hard feelings toward him, but I have let it go and I feel I have moved past it FINALLY. The affair fallout has been one of the worst things I (and my HB) have been through. If I could warn anybody in an affair, I would say this: It may seem like the answer because it feels so good at the time. It feels like it is all that matters and you can't imagine not being with this person, BUT when it all comes crashing down (and it always does!) the fallout is horrendous pain and anguish for all involved. Without fail, someone will be hurt by it-even the one involved in the A will suffer great pain.Deal with the problems in your MG and within yourself-don't comfort in someone outside of the MG. It is not the answer!!

 

After DDay, what you will be left with is like the aftermath of a natural disaster. The emotional equivalent of what you see on tv, when there is stuff scattered and destroyed everywhere. You can't imagine how life will ever be normal again.You have to find your way out of the rubble, and pain, and face the consequences of your choices and actions.

 

It is an experience of which I have learned many lessons, and I feel I had to come to this point to really take an honest look at myself and my marriage and where I was headed if I continue on that path. I also came to the realization, that in my lifetime I have engaged in several "mini emotional affairs", none that lead to what this one did-but I have a history that I need to face and deal with so I do not carry on these unhealthy ways any longer.

 

Lessons learned thus far:

 

1. I am 100% responsible for creating my own happiness. My husband is the icing on the cake, and is also responsible for his own happiness.

 

2. I am 100% responsible for my own attitude.

 

3. My emotions DO NOT have to control my actions. (This one is HUGE)

 

4. I can not change my HB, but I can influence him to be a better husband and father through my actions and how I speak to him.

 

5. MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK. You have to work at it constantly and remain aware-or the love will die.

 

6. Just because it feels way too hard and painful to be together, and one (or both) of you want to RUN in the opposite direction -doesn't automatically mean the marriage should end.

 

7. Divorce doesn't mean you will be happier in the end. Why not do all you can to fix the marriage you are in before on deciding ending it? There will always be problems in other relationships-you are just trading problems for more problems. Especially if there are children involved.

 

8. BOTH partners need to be willing to change and grow, or progress will be minimal, if any. You have to be willing to work on yourself individually, as well as how you relate to one another in the relationship.

 

Well, I better stop before this becomes a book. I hope this gives somebody, somewhere out there some hope for their situations.

 

Cheers

[fooled once]

Sorry, but what the heck does "HB" stand for?

 

I wanted to bump your story so that people can see that there is life after an affair.

 

Also, regarding this

 

Last month my HB Mom passed away very suddenly and we had a 5 day separation during that time. Things reached a new emotionally charged state and I felt like I could not take it any more-I wanted out.

 

Many times during a family death, things can be very emotional. Everyone deals with death in their own way and the grieving process can be long, painful and stressful.

 

I am glad you are doing well.

 

Good luck!

[flowergirl77]

Sorry, but what the heck does "HB" stand for?

 

I wanted to bump your story so that people can see that there is life after an affair.

 

Also, regarding this

 

 

 

Many times during a family death, things can be very emotional. Everyone deals with death in their own way and the grieving process can be long, painful and stressful.

 

I am glad you are doing well.

 

Good luck![/quote:]

 

 

HB = husband...maybe it is supposed to be H ? Sorry! Haha.

 

Yes, there is life after an affair. I made it through one of the most painful times of my life with my marriage still in tact. It really is a miracle to say the least! If I let my emotions guide my decisions, I made poor choices! I had to come to the place where I pushed through the emotion and used my logic. So that is the biggest lesson in this-USE YOUR HEAD not your heart. Affairs feel good in the moment-but feel like hell when it all hits the fan.

[fooled once]

Thanks Flower! I wondered if it was husband

 

I am so glad to see yet another 'success' story for a former ow. I am also happy that you and your H are doing well. Does your H know about the affair?

 

What are you doing every day to 'affair proof' your marriage?

[Rose1977]

Flower I am soooo glad to read this! I remember your original posts, how lost and confused and sad you were. I am SO GLAD you fought through it. You sound like a different woman! This post really made me smile tonight . I'm proud of all your hard work and the hard work of your husband.

[JaneyAmazed]

I mistakenly posted this on the infidelity forum, and already have people who want to be confrontational about my post...I reposted here where others may get something beneficial out of my experiences. Here it is:

 

 

Hello all LS peoples!

 

I have not been on here in months, as I just got to the point that I was feeling so stuck in my misery and had nothing new to say.

 

I am happy to say my HB and I are together and things are finally improving and we are making progress-BUT it has not been without more challenges!

 

Last month my HB Mom passed away very suddenly and we had a 5 day separation during that time. Things reached a new emotionally charged state and I felt like I could not take it any more-I wanted out.

We both saw lawyers and were heading for divorce full speed ahead. I saw the fear, heartbreak, and confusion on my 6 year old daughters face when I tried to explain "Mommy and Daddy won't be living in the same house anymore." Long story short, I couldn't go through with it, and we both came to the realization that we don't want that for our family, and we want to stay together if at all possible, and we have both recommited to the MG.

 

We both have been in IC and have had some MC. I am pursuing my own interests finally, and am taking schooling to become a Registered Professional Counselor. I have always wanted to pursue this carrer goal...and now nothing is stopping me. I hope to some day help other couples stay together when facing challenges, and be inspiration to others.

 

I have had zero contact with the xOM..he moved 2 hours out of town and I don't have to fear running into him somewhere. I think of him with fondness, and have no hard feelings toward him, but I have let it go and I feel I have moved past it FINALLY. The affair fallout has been one of the worst things I (and my HB) have been through. If I could warn anybody in an affair, I would say this: It may seem like the answer because it feels so good at the time. It feels like it is all that matters and you can't imagine not being with this person, BUT when it all comes crashing down (and it always does!) the fallout is horrendous pain and anguish for all involved. Without fail, someone will be hurt by it-even the one involved in the A will suffer great pain.Deal with the problems in your MG and within yourself-don't comfort in someone outside of the MG. It is not the answer!!

 

After DDay, what you will be left with is like the aftermath of a natural disaster. The emotional equivalent of what you see on tv, when there is stuff scattered and destroyed everywhere. You can't imagine how life will ever be normal again.You have to find your way out of the rubble, and pain, and face the consequences of your choices and actions.

 

It is an experience of which I have learned many lessons, and I feel I had to come to this point to really take an honest look at myself and my marriage and where I was headed if I continue on that path. I also came to the realization, that in my lifetime I have engaged in several "mini emotional affairs", none that lead to what this one did-but I have a history that I need to face and deal with so I do not carry on these unhealthy ways any longer.

 

Lessons learned thus far:

 

1. I am 100% responsible for creating my own happiness. My husband is the icing on the cake, and is also responsible for his own happiness.

 

2. I am 100% responsible for my own attitude.

 

3. My emotions DO NOT have to control my actions. (This one is HUGE)

 

4. I can not change my HB, but I can influence him to be a better husband and father through my actions and how I speak to him.

 

5. MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK. You have to work at it constantly and remain aware-or the love will die.

 

6. Just because it feels way too hard and painful to be together, and one (or both) of you want to RUN in the opposite direction -doesn't automatically mean the marriage should end.

 

7. Divorce doesn't mean you will be happier in the end. Why not do all you can to fix the marriage you are in before on deciding ending it? There will always be problems in other relationships-you are just trading problems for more problems. Especially if there are children involved.

 

8. BOTH partners need to be willing to change and grow, or progress will be minimal, if any. You have to be willing to work on yourself individually, as well as how you relate to one another in the relationship.

 

Well, I better stop before this becomes a book. I hope this gives somebody, somewhere out there some hope for their situations.

 

Cheers

 

 

YAY!!!! I agree completely...especially the part about both partners need to be willing to change and grow. That's what's made my marriage better than before. I love to hear from someone who has gone through something similar...someone who understands all the emotions and pain involved in the aftermath of an affair. I'm so happy for you!!!

[flowergirl77]

Flower I am soooo glad to read this! I remember your original posts, how lost and confused and sad you were. I am SO GLAD you fought through it. You sound like a different woman! This post really made me smile tonight . I'm proud of all your hard work and the hard work of your husband.

 

 

Thanks Rose-glad to have made you smile. And yes, I AM a different woman! But it was not easy to get here..but I am glad to be where I am.

[flowergirl77]

Thanks Flower! I wondered if it was husband

 

I am so glad to see yet another 'success' story for a former ow. I am also happy that you and your H are doing well. Does your H know about the affair?

 

What are you doing every day to 'affair proof' your marriage?

 

Yes, he knows all about it. We are in counselling and are reading lots about self/marital improvement. As for "affair proofing" not sure we are there yet, but are taking steps in that direction!

[waytogo]

There is for sure life after an affair. I can't believe my luck to find the sweetest H possible (mine!) after being so consumed with a situation that was a complete deadend.

 

I'm certain my H was God's gift to me for thinking of some others, BW & children above what had become comfortable to me, and risking the scary unknown. Everyway to view it, it was the best decision.

[flowergirl77]

There is for sure life after an affair. I can't believe my luck to find the sweetest H possible (mine!) after being so consumed with a situation that was a complete deadend.

 

I'm certain my H was God's gift to me for thinking of some others, BW & children above what had become comfortable to me, and risking the scary unknown. Everyway to view it, it was the best decision.

 

waytogo: Did you have an A? I hope you don't mind my asking...just curious if we are in similar situations. My H has been my constant through all of this-no matter what I did he never left me, and kept the hope that once I got over my AP we would be able to build a better marriage. I didn't believe it because I was so caught up in the emotions with AP-but now, I see how messed up I was. Glad to still have my H and family together. I have an amazing husband!

[whichwayisup]

Hope things continue to go well for you and your H. Keep talking, listening and making special time for one another. And, don't forget to laugh and be silly, have fun too!