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Dillema! - Married woman, single guy.


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Dillema! - Married woman, single guy.

 

I’m going to use some false names for this, just to make it easier to follow. These names are totally fictitious. I’ll call the lady in question Jane. Other names added as and when appropriate. If this reads a bit confusing, then maybe that’s because it describes a confusing situation! Anyway, here goes…

 

I’m in a situation that is depressing me and driving me nuts at the same time. I’m a single guy in my early 30s. I’m an educated professional and recently moved overseas (career move). Before I took the job I visited the place and was very taken by the people there – they seemed like a nice bunch, including one young lady that I took an instant liking to, and that I’m sure helped in some small way to sway my decision to take the job. Well, they say follow your heart…don’t they?

 

Anyway, I finally arrived, and started getting to know the people better. About my first week there, the girl that I met (‘Jane’) was offering to take me out and show me the sights. I was, of course, very happy at this turn of events! We had a nice day, enjoyed each others company, but nothing else – it wasn’t really on my mind then, really. So the next week begins, and later in the day we’re having a conversation and it’s flowing so well. Then at some point Jane mentions her husband (‘John’)! Jane doesn’t wear a wedding ring, and I had no idea.

 

My heart sank, I felt awful, but I just had keep on smiling and continuing with the conversation. After that, I started to try and keep my distance; I’m an honorable guy and wanted to avoid having feelings for Jane. But she kept being so friendly, and I just couldn’t deny that we got on really well; we had real chemistry.

 

I met John, and I thought he was a nice guy. In many ways we were quite alike – physically and personality wise. They had been married for about 2 years (she is in her mid-late 20s, he a similar age). So, then she tells me that John is planning to leave for a year to pursue a graduate course in a foreign country (thousands of miles away). At the same time she starts talking about moving closer to work so she doesn’t have to drive so far. In fact, Jane says she likes the apartments where I live (walking distance from the office) and so decides to try and rent one.

 

She moves in with John (a few month before he is due to leave), so now we are practically next door neighbors! I actually go out with them a few times (they invite me) and I find myself liking both of them.

 

So, John takes off for his year away, and that’s when Jane starts wanting to spend time with me and ‘hang out’ as she puts it. She suggests we share some meals together in the week, go to movies etc. To begin with I agree. I enjoy being with Jane so much, that it seems crazy for me to say no. I’m still quite new in this country and don’t really know many people so far away from home. So, how can I not say yes to someone that I like, someone that I find attractive how is calling me and knocking on my door!? But as we do more things and spend more time together, or chatting on the phone, I begin to get more and more conflicted within myself.

 

A mutual colleague and friend (‘Laura’) at work who knows Jane tells me that she thinks John is leaving her, why else would he have taken off like that? More over, she thinks that Jane knows this too! In fact she has told Jane this in no uncertain terms. Well, if that is true, Jane hasn’t said anything of the kind to me. In fact Jane has said that she misses John. But then, next thing, Jane’s telling me that when she spoke on the phone to John he was telling her about some really attractive girl that he had met! Then Jane’s telling me she misses John again. I can’t figure out if she is being honest and just completely naïve or just a very good pretender. I don’t know if this is all innocent or not.

 

Anyway, another weekend comes around and I’m with Jane at a friends place (‘Mike’), with a few other people for a movie night. Jane offers to give Mike a back rub! It’s not what it sounds like…we were all sitting watching the movie (fully clothed!), it was all very public. Then they swap around. I found myself feeling incredibly jealous and also confused. I started wondering about the times she spent with Mike, and then realized that she seemed to want to spend time with him like she wanted to spend time with me. Another twist is that Mike just so happens to have family in the place where John is now, and his family has helped to accommodate John. So Jane, John and Mike are connected now by ‘obligations’ of family friendship.

 

So that night passes, and another weekend comes around. This time it’s a movie night at the house of Laura who invited me and Jane. I don’t have a car here yet, so Jane drives us both out to Laura’s. Jane has dressed in a sexy low cut black dress, and she’s put in make-up, lipstick etc. She makes some excuse to me all her clothes (i.e less revealing) are in the laundry basket. She sits right next to me at the movie night on a sofa…close, very close.

 

On the way back from the movie night I feel I have to say something. Somehow I manage to mumble something about doesn’t she think it’s being so friendly with me since she’s a married woman and I’m a single guy? In reply she tells me that she is very clear about boundaries and if she in anyway had a crush on a guy she wouldn’t be friends with him. OK, so now my ego is crushed since this must mean she doesn’t find me at all attractive right? So I say to her, in a jokey tone, so you must think me and Mike are as ugly as sin? She immediately says no, of course not, but then seems to realize the hole she has dug for herself. The point that I then fail to make, probably because I was feeling so crushed, is that even if she doesn’t have a problem with boundaries, and has implied that she couldn’t have feeling for me…I don’t feel like that at all! I didn’t tell her this, I still haven’t but maybe I should? What I think is that the more I spend time with her the greater the probability that I will develop romantic feelings for her, and the greater the strength of those feelings. Perhaps she thinks she is immune to that? Perhaps she doesn’t think I am attracted to her? Could she be that naïve?

 

She actually acknowledges (still in the car driving home) that us guys can’t be so controlled when it comes to our sexual urges. Why is she telling me this though? The conversation gets awkward, we both feel awkward, but I still want to get this whole thing into the open…but no, instead she just turns up the volume on the radio. And I think…she’s in denial. I should just add that I’m not physically unattractive (I don’t say that out of vanity, but because it seems relevant to this story).

 

Next weekend I find myself going to the supermarket with her, and we’re doing our laundry together…she’s helping me fold my sheets, and I’m folding her underwear!

 

So why am I making this post now? Well we’ve been out a few more times, and in case it isn’t obvious already, I realized that I was beginning to have feelings for her in a big way. And at that point I decided it was time to stop pretending that I could just be friends with Jane. I was beginning to fantasize about her…time had come to stop this before it went any further and I did something that I would regret.

 

So, it’s early Sunday evening, she just called and asked if I was up for some company. I paused and then told her I was going to get an early night. That was a lie. I kept the conversation short. I am sure the sadness was obvious in my voice. She sounded sad too though. It was like I was telling her that the charade was over.

 

But was it a charade? Am I making a mistake? It seems such a cruel irony that the reason I can’t be friends with her and spend time with her is not because I don’t like her, but because I do like her so very much and would like nothing more than to be with her for a very long time. But am I reading more into this than is there to read? Am I making her out to be a pretender and in denial when she is just perfectly innocent and simply enjoys my company? But she knows that I’m a single guy in a foreign land…kinda lonely and in need of female company. I feel like I have to lose a good friend because otherwise I will lose many friends and lose honor too. I hate to do this. I want her company. I have already said that I don’t have many friends here and really she was making such a difference to my life socially because she does have friends that she was introducing me to.

 

Well, that’s about the sum of it. I’ve missed out details here and there and other times we’ve been together and done things together. What has never happened is anything physical though. Neither of us has tried that. But when I mentioned to her that I wouldn’t mind a back rub sometime too, she sounded surprised… telling me that I should have said at that movie night! It almost sounded like she was upset.

 

OK enough already. I’m conflicted, confused, depressed… and don’t know what to do. I want to call her right now, and invite her over and I know she’d agree…sigh….

 

 

Appologies for typos etc...

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I think you're doing the right thing. I think she, too, has conflicting feelings and she probably does at times have an urge to hook up with you. Nevertheless, the fact remains: she's still married.

 

Don't try to rationalize or justify going forward with it in any way. Keep doing what you're doing. If the other guy scores with her, then so be it...they'll both have to sort out the mess that follows. Moreover, I think that would be proof positive that she's not to be trusted in a long-term committed relationship.

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Thank you for taking the time to post your opinion. I think now I just need to concentrate on the facts, not the fantasy. If John does end the marriage, as Laura seems to think is his intention, then that would create a different situation. However, I don’t think it would be right for me to interrogate Jane on the security of her marriage. Their marriage is simply none of my business, and really it was probably way out of line for Laura to tell me behind Jane’s back that she thought John was leaving Jane for good (now I come to think of it, Laura doesn’t have too high an opinion of John, so it looks like she was trying to manipulate the situation by manipulating me/Jane – hmmm…there’s food for thought in that). Anyway, I guess that sacrificing our friendship for now is in everyone’s interest (sad but true). That’s not an easy thing to do when you see the person in question most every day at work, and they have also (by their choice) become your next door neighbor. I think Jane’s playing a dangerous game. If she really has issues with her marriage and the fact her husband has left to work thousands of miles away (in a place with very limited access to communications I might add) then she should be honest and above board about it instead of trying to appease her frustration/loneliness by seeking solace in single guys. This is not going to be easy.

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HokeyReligions

Let me see if I’ve got this;

 

Jane & John are married

John is out of town for a while

Jane is touchy-feely with Mike and with you (maybe with others too that you don’t know about)

Jane has said she doesn’t want an affair, and that she misses John

Jane’s actions say otherwise.

 

You have a major crush, or may be falling in love with her.

You don’t want to lose her friendship and her contacts because you are in a foreign land

You don’t want to go too far with a married woman

 

 

Well, IMHO, you should start looking for friends outside of Jane and her circle. What about other people at work? Have you joined any groups or organizations? Church? Club? Sports? Gym? Etc. where you could meet some other people?

 

It sounds like you need to distance yourself from her and her group and venture out on your own more. That may help put in perspective what is going on with Jane.

 

Suppose Jane and John divorce, and you and Jane start dating. How would you then feel to know that Jane and Mike are still touchy-feely, albeit in an “innocent” fashion? Seriously ask yourself if that is the kind of girl you want? You might be better friends than lovers.

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Last night Jane gave me a back rub, while Mike gave Jane a back rub. Then I gave Jane a back rub as Jane gave Mike a back rub. I will admit this does sounds like some 70’s retro free-love kinda thing. In fact it I guess it was since we all were watching sitting on cushions while watching Annie Hall at the time (which if you don’t know is a classic Woody Allen romance). But we were fully clothed. Mike was making all sorts of suggestive comments – really a bit over the top. Anyway, why am I posting again just to say all this? There’s more.

 

Jane came into my office yesterday to tell me that she is having recurring dreams about me. I was not alone in the office, so I guess she wanted other people to know. She said that she has been dreaming about me every night – I have literally become the guy of her dreams. Just now she came to my office again to tell me she was dreaming about me again last night. This time there were babies in the dream too! She has also told me that the only other people she has dreams about regularly are people she has known all her life, and she feel like she has known me all her life. And you know what? I somehow feel the same way too. Do you think it’s possible that we are soul mates? I’m not especially religious, but perhaps we really are meant to be together.

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How sweet of her to cooooo you into falling for her innocent charms!

 

She's nothing but a cheap tart! I cannot beleive she is doing and saying all these things to you in front of witnesses. You'd think she'd at least use her brain and be discreet! Wait until "John" get back, he's going to freak out! Don't fall for this crap....women are very good at playing the sweet innocent girl thingie. I am 37 years old and I have never spent time with two men alone rubbing their backs. I know one girl that might do something like that and she's a SLUT! She looks really cute and innocent but beleive me she is nothing but a cheap SLUT!

 

Hand your brain to someone else to do your thinking, obviously you can't see things clearly.

 

Good luck

 

Bubbles

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Bubbles,

 

Thank you for your 'opinion'. However, with all due respect I think it is you who can not see things clearly here; I certainly do not see why you believe you have a right to throw insults toward (and pass judgements on) people that you know virtually nothing about.

 

If anyone can offer a more constructive opinion I would be interested to hear it.

 

 

How sweet of her to cooooo you into falling for her innocent charms!

 

She's nothing but a cheap tart! I cannot beleive she is doing and saying all these things to you in front of witnesses. You'd think she'd at least use her brain and be discreet! Wait until "John" get back, he's going to freak out! Don't fall for this crap....women are very good at playing the sweet innocent girl thingie. I am 37 years old and I have never spent time with two men alone rubbing their backs. I know one girl that might do something like that and she's a SLUT! She looks really cute and innocent but beleive me she is nothing but a cheap SLUT!

 

Hand your brain to someone else to do your thinking, obviously you can't see things clearly.

 

Good luck

 

Bubbles

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Guy a Just,

 

I will not apologize for my words! I have been on the receiving end of what "John" is going to come home to.

 

My friends have always told me that I am an excellent listener and I pride myself on not making any opinions unless I feel very strongly about something. Go ahead and review all of the posts on this message board, I'm not there.......

 

Trust me guy a just, you are going to get very, very hurt and it will be no-one else's fault but your own. If you could take your heart out of this situation and read your own post....you would come to the same conclusion as I have. I know women who act like this and beleive me they come off all innocent of doing anything that might be wrong.....but in their heads.....they have their own agenda!

 

Don't be fooled by a pretty smile. I hope you see your way through this and you meet a real nice girl. We are out there you know.

 

Good luck!

 

Bubbles

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Last night Jane gave me a back rub, while Mike gave Jane a back rub. Then I gave Jane a back rub as Jane gave Mike a back rub. I will admit this does sounds like some 70’s retro free-love kinda thing. In fact it I guess it was since we all were watching sitting on cushions while watching Annie Hall at the time (which if you don’t know is a classic Woody Allen romance). But we were fully clothed. Mike was making all sorts of suggestive comments – really a bit over the top. Anyway, why am I posting again just to say all this? There’s more.

 

What do you suppose Jane's agenda is? Why is she initiating this contact with you and Mike?

 

Jane came into my office yesterday to tell me that she is having recurring dreams about me. I was not alone in the office, so I guess she wanted other people to know. She said that she has been dreaming about me every night – I have literally become the guy of her dreams.

 

I find this odd at best. It seems to me that Jane's behavior has stepped over the line of confused or lonely wife and into strange predator. I cannot imagine any set of circumstances under which I would behave this way. It can't be explained as the result of her attraction to you.

 

Just now she came to my office again to tell me she was dreaming about me again last night. This time there were babies in the dream too! She has also told me that the only other people she has dreams about regularly are people she has known all her life, and she feel like she has known me all her life.

 

Frankly, I think you should run far, far away from this lady. This sounds extremely contrived and not at all healthy.

 

And you know what? I somehow feel the same way too. Do you think it’s possible that we are soul mates? I’m not especially religious, but perhaps we really are meant to be together.

 

Yikes. Please reread Hokey's post. She made some excellent points. Jane sounds volatile at best. While it may be flattering to be on the receiving end of her attention now, how will it feel when she goes 'round the bend? And, yes, she strikes me as a 'round the bend sort. Something in her behavior is very off.

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Guyajust,

 

You're thinking with the wrong head. Bubbles is right: she's playing you, pal.

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Bubbles,

 

Considering the unwarrented insults that you posted previously, I think I should probably give further postings from you short shrift. I will, however, respond to this that you wrote:

 

Originally posted by cdn

Jane sounds volatile at best. While it may be flattering to be on the receiving end of her attention now, how will it feel when she goes 'round the bend? And, yes, she strikes me as a 'round the bend sort.

 

Since I know Jane a darn sight better than you ever will, I can tell you that she is not a volatile person; she is a sociable, generous and well liked person with a wide circle of friends, and she is not about to 'go round the bend'.

 

I did not post on here to solicit 'opinions' from bitter people. I posted because I was/am facing a dilemma with regard to someone that I have strong feelings for, someone who evidently has strong feelings for me also.

 

Perhaps I am falling in love with Jane, perhaps she with me. Stranger things have been known to happen and we don’t choose who we fall in love with…In any case, whatever happens, I am sure it will be for the best.

 

I shall refrain from reading, making or replying to further postings here, because I feel that it is no longer constructive or in my best interest to do so.

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"Constructive criticism" means criticism you agree with, right?

 

If you want opinions and feedback, you have to be willing to accept all feedback - even if you don't necessarily like what other people are telling you. What you do with the advice is your choice, but don't get upset at someone for giving their honest opinion.

 

As Harry Truman once said: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

 

Rock on, Bubbles! You rule, babe.

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You know what really bites me about this guy a just? He came on here expecting people to cheer him on and tell him to "Go For It!". The woman is MARRIED! and he's upset with me because I'm telling him to run?

 

We don't encourage people to engage in "affairs" that's the bottom line. Guy a just didn't get the support he was expecting.....he got discouraged to continue with this "affair"

 

My moto: "If you are ready to ask to the question......you must be ready for the answer......weather it's what you want to hear or not" that's exactly what he got.

 

Good luckwith your life guy a just.......and when you are ready to post again about how this "sweet girl" ripped your heart out and stomped on it.............we at Loveshack will be ready for you.

 

Bubbles

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