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Did your MM/AP quickly move on to someone else?


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Breezy Trousers

Maybe I should phrase my question another way:

 

How many of you deluded yourself into thinking you may have 'meant" something to MM/AP only to watch them quickly move on to someone else?

 

Maybe your account would help someone else. That's why I come back here. Many of you helped me avoid ruining my life -- whether you know it or not -- and the only way I can show my gratitude is by sharing what I've learned over the past three years.

 

So here's my story:

 

After a two-year intense dynamic, I turned my back on MM in April 2010. We had a falling out.

 

In July of 2010 I noticed a quiet co-worker suddenly had a glowing, beaming look about her. She lost weight and became willowy, had plastic surgery to widen her eyes, cut her hair, updated her wardrobe and was no longer wearing her eyeglasses. She seemed really happy and I thought to myself, "Ahhh ... there's a woman in love. How wonderful for her!"

 

In September, another staffer began commenting that this woman was going into MM's office a lot, for no apparent reason. She openly wondered why. I shrugged and didn't pay much attention to her comments.

 

Then in October, I saw this co-worker and MM together, having an emotionally charged conversation in an isolated area of our office building basement. The woman looked frightened. I finally put two and two together. (Looking back, it almost seemed as though MM * wanted * me to see them together, because I routinely go through that isolated area at the same odd time each day, which he knows. But anyway...)

 

I've since seen them together several times -- in a private area of our office building, in her car, etc. (It's amazing how affair partners are always the last to know that everyone knows, but that's another thread.)

 

I feel bad for this woman because I've seen how unstable this man is, but ultimately it's none of my business.... Nor is that the point of this thread...

 

What surprised me is how long I deluded myself into thinking I might be "important" to "sad, unhappily married" MM because of his pursuit of me and the risks he seemed willing to take to cross the line ---- only to watch him move on to someone else very quickly.

 

I recalled talking to a friend when I was struggling to keep away from MM. The friend, whose CEO father is still a serial cheater at 72, warned me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're not all * that * to him. I know his kind. Women are just interchangeable parts to this guy. He's not connecting to any of them, despite his words and actions. I know this is hard for you to believe right now, but trust me when I tell you this is just a game for him. He's a narcissist like my dad." I listened to her advice (and my own intuition). That friend was right. MM very quickly moved on to another person.

 

Do you have a similar story to share?

 

* *

P.S. Books were very helpful to me. Prior to my falling out with MM, I read lots of books to wean myself away from the addictive pull ... Reading these true-crime books opened my eyes to the possibility that not every seemingly normal human being is normal. You might want to check them out:

 

"The Rabbi and The Hitman" is the true story of an esteemed rabbi of a large, prosperous synagogue who had an affair with a well-known woman he began counseling as her husband was dying. He hired two hit men to kill his wife so he could marry this wealthy widow. The widow initially lied to police about his whereabouts. As she was leaving, the police casually mentioned that she wasn't the only woman the rabbi was having an affair with. She was incredulous. She and the rabbi laid in bed, wrapped in each other's arms for hours, intimately discussing their hopes, their dreams, the Torah, etc. They were soul mates! She was a classy, smart lady! She refused to believe the police and thought they were trying to trick her -- until they showed her the affidavits of the other women. Shocked, she replied, "I've changed my mind. What do you want to know about him?" :lmao: Turned out that the rabbi openly discussed his sexual conquests with the men in the locker room. While each conquest thought she was sharing a special, intimate relationship with the 'sweet, unhappily married' rabbi, he was talking about them like stock options to the guys in the locker room (which is how the police found out). He openly bragged about his conquests and debated whether he should marry this woman (a wealthy widow) or another woman (a younger woman attending his synagogue) -- which would enhance his reputation the most? -- all while married.

He also tried to pick up women by placing ads.

 

Another story that helped wake me up was Ann Rule's "Never Let Her Go." A successful "family man" lawyer Thomas Capano had nearly a two-decade long affair with the former wife of his law partner. She thought they were soul mates and that she was the only one (besides his wife!), not realizing Capano was having affairs on the side with other women, mostly secretaries at his firm, etc.. He finally killed one of his younger affair partners who was trying to break free of him for a committed relationship with another man.

 

These are atypical stories, for sure, but I had to ask myself: How many of these other MM are juggling women, making each woman believe she's "special." How many of them are bragging about their women to their friends in private?

 

Any stories out there?

Edited by Breezy Trousers
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Not ready to share my entire story yet... let's say I'm a reformed OW... never again...

 

My xMM is a narcissist, something I suspected for about the last year, based upon things he would say to me. I think he secretly hates females and YES we are all interchangeable. Would say mean & nasty things to me about the W, and his older daughter (a 14 year old girl)! I began trying to extricate myself last summer...but the guy was super smooth & ever so convincing and flattering when he wanted to be.

 

I know that I was the 4th or 5th woman he had an A with. Every time he moved to a new city, there would be a new OW for him. I'm certain that he is a serial cheater and is already on to the next one. I was a bit flip with him and well you can NEVER be flip with someone as arrogant and self absorbed as this guy... some he dumped me via text message. :laugh:

 

The thing is narcissists think that they are the smartest most intelligent people in the world. They are above it all! Quite laughable.

 

Looking back now I am so glad that it is over, so happy that I am out of it, and concentrating on myself, my career and my homelife again.

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YellowShark

Welcome back to Earth Breezy! ;)

 

Now you've learned a huge life lesson. With serial cheaters you *ARE* "Miss Right." As in "Miss Right Now!" :p

 

Alas you will easily be replaced with a new shiny object-of-desire once the affair sours. You have just experienced it. And if you two had hooked up the chances are very high that he would have cheated on you too eventually. (This goes for male or female serial cheaters.)

 

That's why affairs are so dangerous, you invest all this time and emotion into a relationship that is toxic from the get go. It is not built on fidelity or real trust.

 

Move on, process what happened to you, and steer clear of any married person who wants to "hook up." They're simply using you to fill a huge hole in their lives/egos.

 

Best of luck.

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Hi Breezy! narcissitic or not, I think these stories show how broken a cheater can be.

 

Many a BS has discovered evidence of other inappropriate relationships, whether innocent or not, on DDAy when we start to really dig....contacting old girlfriends, chatting up a new co-worker, flirting, etc.

 

It's as if once that boundary is crossed, no boundaries are adhered to, not even with the AP!

 

For many, IT IS all about the attention, the ego-boost, the thrill of the chase, the need for continual external validation to feel special, or even the drama of the forbidden to enliven a boring life.

 

My H's xOW broke NC 2.5 years after DDAy to ask him if she should pursue a new relationship with a new man. Whether she was trying to make him jealous or re-initiate (hint, hint....I'm available unless you tell me not to be) we will never know.

 

We later come out to find it is all bs...the "new" boyfriend had been living with her for over a year!

 

Maybe she grew bored with a normal relationship. Maybe she needs drama in her life. We prayed he wasn't married or "separated." We're pretty sure he won't be her last.

 

And then we decided, we really do not care.

 

So much for soulmates!

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In July of 2010 I noticed a quiet co-worker suddenly had a glowing, beaming look about her. She lost weight and became willowy, had plastic surgery to widen her eyes, cut her hair, updated her wardrobe and was no longer wearing her eyeglasses. She seemed really happy and I thought to myself, "Ahhh ... there's a woman in love. How wonderful for her!"

 

In September, another staffer began commenting that this woman was going into MM's office a lot, for no apparent reason. She openly wondered why. I shrugged and didn't pay much attention to her comments.

 

Then in October, I saw this co-worker and MM together, having an emotionally charged conversation in an isolated area of our office building basement. The woman looked frightened. I finally put two and two together

.

 

I don't have a story per se but I wanted to point out that office A's aren't nearly as hidden as the perpetrators want to believe. It is not unusual for many people to notice the changes, the subtleties that AP's think are cleverly hidden and so on.

 

In fact, I started a new job about 6 months ago and I can already see that two married co-workers (not to each other) spend a LOT of time together. And yes, it is gossiped about at lunch - my coworkers noticing the EXACT things you did.

 

A cautionary tell for those think that an office A is well hidden. It's not.

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.

 

I don't have a story per se but I wanted to point out that office A's aren't nearly as hidden as the perpetrators want to believe. It is not unusual for many people to notice the changes, the subtleties that AP's think are cleverly hidden and so on.

 

In fact, I started a new job about 6 months ago and I can already see that two married co-workers (not to each other) spend a LOT of time together. And yes, it is gossiped about at lunch - my coworkers noticing the EXACT things you did.

 

A cautionary tell for those think that an office A is well hidden. It's not.

 

My H's affair was with a divorced co-worker.

 

Three months after we reconciled, I attended a lecture at their former workplace. (she is still there.)

 

A table of secretaries gasped as I left the lecture.

 

Yes, every woman in that workplace knew the inappropriateness of their relationship.

 

We see, and gossip about it in my workplace too!

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Breezy Trousers

Very interesting!

 

Spark, my husband also had an affair years ago. His XOW married shortly after he ended it with her. I would tease him and say, "Soul mates, you say?" (Bad, I know...;) Hey, at least we can laugh about it!)

 

Also, Spark, your comment, "drama of the forbidden to enliven a boring life" resonated with me. I have been a goody two-shoes all my life, and I think I equated that with dull. But, as Yellowshark noted, I would have invited all sort of toxicity into my life had I opened the door to MM. It took me two difficult years to learn what Yellowshark wrote in that one post. It's all true.

 

JWI, I agree with you that these workplace affairs aren't well hidden. I know someone who was busted for an office affair 9 months after MM ended it. The OW was certain they would never be discovered, but did things like walk into his office frequently, probably not realizing others were watching and taking note. Gossip reached such critical mass that HR got involved, which shocked both. She eventually had to leave the office.

 

TurboGirl, "narcissist" isn't a label I use lightly but once you encounter one, it's unmistakeable, isn't it? A lot of misogyny and abuse goes along with the disorder. And entitlement.

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