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In love with an ex who doesn't know who to be with...


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My story is very complex and lengthy but I must explain my situation so that you may get a better grasp on what has been going on.

 

I met my old boyfriend when I was a Freshman in college and we liked each other instantly. He went to a different college back East and basically his excuse for not being with me is the distance. Unknowingly, he actually had some complications with this college and was in the area for quite some time but did not contact me at all. He hooked up with this girl for several years before they broke up. Once they broke up and he decided he was ready, he contacted me. That was 4 years after we met. When we were together initially, I felt that I was a "runner-up". He knew that I was going to school only 40 minutes away and yet ...

 

His ex became an obession to me but I know that he did not do anything that would alarm our relationship at that time. Okay, so that is one issue that we (or mostly I) had to deal with. We are both Asians but we have different cultures. It took quite some time for my family to accept him but eventually they did ..but the thing is, I didn't totally. I wanted to retain my heritage and I felt awkward during the holiday festivities because he was the only one that was different. I know now that I should accept him for who he is but honestly, I did not totally back then. Though I loved him with all my heart, I did not know if he was "the one". We sacrificed plenty. I moved to another state to be with him and left my family. I left my job. I changed my work schedule so that I could spend my time with him. I drove 2 hours one way for 2 years to see him every weekend. I did everything possible for him. My blood, my soul, everything was for us.

 

Though I tried hard to show how much I loved him, I also did things that hurt him. I moved out on him without telling him. I was going through my stage. I did not tell him that I resented the fact that I felt like I put more into the relationship than he did. Am I wrong to want that? Do I not see what he has done for us? He put in a good word for me so that we can work for the same company. I give him credit for that. I should have communicated those concerns before they got out of hand. That was my mistake.

 

We lived together for years. He got a 4-month assignment back East and that was the first time that we were apart for so long. We did everything together before then and I felt like I was everything to him and he was everything to me. So, when he started to make new friends, I felt ignored in a way. We were talking less and the time difference was straining. I bought a new cell phone so that we can talk to each other but I had more minutes at night but that was bed time for him. We talked at work but he always seem so busy and so distant. I got upset several times and finally I stopped calling for 10 days and he emailed me saying good-bye. I was still upset so I did not contact him after I read that email until 2 days later.

 

Little did I know, he went to some bar and ended up meeting a woman there. They hit it off and within a weeks time, they doing some intimate things. That tore me apart. I felt like I was hit my a semi. We talked about this. I told him I wanted to see him. He said that he needed space. Unbeknownst to me, he actually was planning to spend the whole week with her. I bought the tickets immediately to see him. While I was there, he spent a couple of nights at her place. I cried for days. He said that he wanted to see me happy when I was there. How can I be happy when the person that I've spent almost 5 years with is sleeping with another woman? I think he wants me to be happy so that he doesn't feel guilty for what he is doing.

 

He has become someone that I did not know. He told me that it was NOT wrong of him to do that because we were already separated. Do you think he is right?? He knew that I wanted to be back together and yet he is doing this? My self-esteem was low before, but it hit an all-time bottom when I found out about this. I could not eat, could not sleep.

 

He said that when he comes back to the West Coast, he'll give us a "try". Do you think talking to the other woman on the phone for 1-2 hours everyday is trying? I think he doesn't want to give her up.

 

He had to return there in about a month later. I did not ask him to be my boyfriend but we were doing things that felt like we were back together. I should have back then. I asked him initally if I can go with him on his 2nd trip there...before he said yes. He changed his mind, and said that he didn't want me to use my vacation days (I had over 2 weeks of vacation). He did things that made me wonder. When I called him at the hotel, noone answered the phone. When I called his cell phone, it was either off or out of range. I grew hysterical. Would you have? They actually spent some time together and he ended up spending the night at her place again. He said that I drove him to this point. Did I ask him to sleep with her? NO. Did I ask him to call her? NO.

 

He is a very nice guy and tries to please people. The other woman is asking him how many chances will he give me before he gives her a chance. He thinks about that. He likes the fact that she is treating him right from the start. Well, to me, the beginning is always great. He doesn't like some of our history together. I don't blame him, but he is not making it better by doing this. So, after a week there, I picked him up from the airport. I was upset because we hardly talked during that week and he was ambiguous with the questions that I asked him. She is really aggressive and to me she is a threat. What makes me even more insecure is that he doesn't have a type per se. He can find something beautiful in any woman. That makes me insecure because how do I know that he won't fall for some girl? But, I digress..

 

After he spent the week there, we were trying to mend things. He kept on calling her everyday and talking to her. He doesn't tell me what they talk about. He's being secretive. I want to communicate but he starts to close up. I felt bad when we were at a park together having a romantic moment until she calls and he gets right up and walks away and talks to her for 1.5hrs and leaves me there. He said that I had no right of telling him what to do when we aren't together. He finally tells me after probably less than a month that he THINKS he has fallen in love with her. I was devasted. I cried and cried till my eyes were swollen and red. I cried at work, on the bus, everywhere. I've taken care of him, he's stayed at my place without paying anything, used my car to drive to work and he treats me like a roommate??

 

I admit it, I can be short tempered but he accepted me like that before and all the sudden with the other woman in his life, he decides he's had enough of it. Now, he's telling me that my personality is not desirable any more. Do you think that it is a coincidence? Again -- I drove him to the point. Would you be upset if someone you love treated you the way that he has?

 

All the sudden, he told me that he wasn't going to stay at my place for the night. He did not give me any details of what the was doing and where he was staying etc. I found out that he took some time off work (which is rare). Till this day, I do not know why he did that. He does not talk to me like he use to. I know he's up to something. I asked him if he's still in love with her. He said he is not in love with anyone. He told me that she's coming over for 5 days and that I should go home to my parents. I did and they spent time together. They ended up consummating their love. I guess he fell in love with her again during that time together. After their romantic weekend, I asked him again if he's in love with her, again, he says he's not in love with her. Hmmm.. makes me wonder what kind of a guy he is. She is an older southerner who talks sweet and says all the right things to him. What chance do I have when I don't sugar-coat my words? Is he that big of a sucker?

 

He said that he wanted to move out to have some space. I wanted him to stay. The other woman wanted him to move out as well. He moved out. I was nice enough to pack his things. Unknowingly, it was planned that she would spend the weekend with him at his new place. I had to pry it the truth out of him. He would not tell me a thing what they did during that time. How am I suppose to love someone who is doing this to me???? I am thinking all these negative things. He down plays her visit -- oh, it's only a few days. HA! Look what happened in a few days? He tried to break it off with her but she ends up in tears and he can't do it. He's not man enough to stand up. He wants to leave her on his terms. That is what he said. Well, he wanted to ...and look, he still hasn't. How long must I wait before he sees the light? Maybe she's the one for him? He talks to her still. How long, how often, what about.. I do not know because he has moved out and they have all the privacy in the world. He says that I should be happy that I'm spending time with him because she wants to spend every weekend with him. I am just waiting for them to hook up again because he can't say NO to her.

 

Do you think that is healthy if we got together again? He knows the longer it drags on the worse it gets..but he still does it. It's been 4.5 months already and he's undecided. Good for him, he has privacy to sleep with whomever he chooses for that weekend. In many ways, I am bitter due to this circumstance and I sometimes think why am I putting up with this. Why is he like this? He stopped introducing me as his girlfriend for about a month.

 

I asked him if he could not call her for my birthday weekend but he says he has to else she gets upset. Wow! You would think that they are in a relationship. He's borrowing a friend's car while she was there and he tells me that he doesn't want to put a lot of miles on it yet he is willing to pick/drop her at the airport 50 miles away and does not even go to my place to pick up HIS stuff (40 miles away)? Am I demanding too much? He says I expect too much. How much more should I take? My friends say that he's over me, yet why is he sometimes calling me?

 

Is the relationship worth salvaging after all this? Now that he's been with the other girl, how do you think it would affect our relationship if we got together again? Will it be another episode of a soap opera?

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heather&theboyz

Okay, I hope this doesn't sound too harsh and I apologize in advance if it does :o . Sometimes my flair for the dramatic is a little much for people but I stand by every word I'm about to write...

 

I've had some really bad relationships in my time but your story makes me feel like a fairy freaking princess tra-la-laing through life.

 

Honey, this is NOT LOVE! This is some kind of co-dependent vampirism. It seems like it would have sucked the life of you by now. How can you give your time, devotion, affection to this guy? How can you even consider staying in this torturous little soap opera?

 

I'm the first to realize that there are two sides to every story and it sounds like there is a lot of history here with each party having their little downfalls but really, at this point it doesn't matter anymore. For a little bit - put all of that history out of your mind and look at the situation that you are dealing with right here, right now. No one should ever put up with months of indecisiveness. That's just torturing yourself and giving him EVERY ounce of power over you!! If he really wanted to be done with her and live happily ever after with you he would have known that a long time ago. I know this is coming off really hard and I'm sorry, but you are playing the doormat right now (and have been for a long time, really) and it breaks my heart. He is still calling you because HE CAN. You let him get away with stomping all over you and you continue to condone his behavior by not kicking him to the curb.

 

You have to disassociate yourself from this guy and pronto. You need to take some time to YOURSELF and look at your own desires, goals and I think you need to examine your self-image. Why do you think that you deserve this kind of treatment? Why would you let your life rotate around someone who has made it painfully clear that you are not even significant to him? Why don't you think that you deserve better??

 

You should be bitter about some of the things that have happened, I think you have the right to. But you can't let it continue to drag you down. Get up, get out, and get moving. Go do something with yourself, your friends, your family, anyone except for him! It's a big world out there, go take a bite!

 

I think it would be tragic if you hook back up with this guy and you need to seriously get him out of your life, your space and your brain as quickly as possible. You have been too wrapped up in this thing for too long to see it clearly. Some distance will give you a lot of perspective, trust me on this. Stop being his side item and go work on your self for a while.

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Thank you Heather&theBoyz for your honesty.

 

He does not feel like he has done anything wrong. His logic is - since we aren't together he can sleep/be with whoever he wants to. To me, he's has become a player.

 

If he felt like he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have done things that would threaten our chances of getting back together. So, what is she to him then? She's not just booty-call because he has conjured up the path they would go if they would marry, have kids, etc.

 

Do you think what he has done is considered cheating?

 

Yes, he was open about this relationship with me, but to me it doesn't justify it to be right because he is hurting 2 people.

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