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Mention was made on another thread about a MM planning a "managed exit" and another poster pooh-poohed that idea. IME, the "managed exit" is the BS's worst nightmare - depriving them of what little control they may feel they have after a DDay, or - if there is no DDay - reducing at least some of their history to "lies" or fakery.

 

My H left his xW through a "managed exit", and several other MMs that I've known who have left their BWs for their OWs (and stayed with the OWs - not an "exit A" ) have done the same - including my father. I've always argued that MMs don't leave (sustainably) until they're ready to leave, and the "managed exit" seems to me to be the epitome of that. All their ducks in a row, then... Goodbye. In some cases, they say nothing to the BS before they leave - the proverbial note on the mantlepiece scenario - and in others, they advise the BS they will be leaving, and when, and then do so.

 

I'd be interested to hear whether anyone has had different experiences of a "managed exit" - a WS who left through a "managed exit" but didn't sustain it and returned, say... or an AP who "returned to sender" the WS who had left, no longer interested given the time elapsed... or whatever. From whichever role in the episode.

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Since I did question the "managed exit" in that other thread, I will answer here.

 

I think the best divorce is a healthy divorce. Especially when kids are involved and the spouses need to parent together after the divorce is final.

 

A managed exit is the best way to go providing both spouses are getting their "ducks in a row".

 

What I strongly object to (as it applies to that other thread), is the MM using his "managed exit" to rob the wife of her chance to also have a "managed exit". It appears that this particular MM was hiding assets from his wife. IMO, that is something to "pooh-pooh". Not only is it wrong, IMO, but in many places it is illegal.

 

When I was planning for a divorce, I planned a "managed exit". Difference is, I was honest about my intentions giving my H an equal opportunity to manage the exit in his own way.

 

Without giving a spouse that opportunity, I can only imagine that the exit might be less than manageable for someone and/or everyone.

 

I guess I really don't understand why someone who is determined to leave can't be honest about their intentions. Seems it would make it a lot easier when the exit actually happens.

 

A surprised like an un-known "managed exit" may be a BW's worst nightmare, but whose nightmare is it when they have to deal with the fallout?

Edited by herenow
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I guess I really don't understand why someone who is determined to leave can't be honest about their intentions.
You're kidding, right? In the instance you describe, we happen to be talking about someone who is already lying and sneaking around. Someone bereft of integrity has already demonstrated that honesty isn't in their vocabulary.
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desertIslandCactus

OW, If your H's other wives have any marbles left, they'd have to better off than you are.

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I guess I really don't understand why someone who is determined to leave can't be honest about their intentions. Seems it would make it a lot easier when the exit actually happens.

 

There are cases where if someone leaving were to be honest then the consequences of that would be so bad that a managed exit is the only way. In cases of abuse (which I'm not suggesting is the case for most MM) it is actually advised to plan in secret to leave.

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Hey, I'm the pooh-pooher!! :)

 

What I pooh-pooh is the notion that a managed exit takes any length of time. Seriously, when I got D I had overseas businesses, homes and other assets not to mention the ongoing concerns here in the US. Time to settle D: 3 months. Asset Value in question: 2-3 mil US. It wasn't hard at all. Nor did it take long. When I hear of MM saying they are doing a managed exit it sets off my BS radar based on my own experience.

 

But we are comparing apples to oranges. Because I did my managed exit in full view of everyone ( I have the lawyer bills to prove it - ugh). What you are talking about is an ambush D where the D serving party seeks to civilly and perhaps criminally violate legal statutes. This will subject the perpetrator and accomplices to civil and criminal penalties - including forfeiture of hidden assets. Time lots apply and vary by state. Now this hiding of assists I'm sure takes some forthought. It's going to be hard to shield assets the spouse already knows about. So we are really talking about assets the spouse already doesn't know about. And if that's the case, why the need to hide that which is already hidden? What more can be done? Discovery is discovery.

 

That's why I think a managed exit is bogus. The spouse will, after the ambush D, will hire lawyers and begin financial discovery. What is already known by the spouse will be sought after. What isn't can be searched but it's more difficult to find - and doesn't much more hiding. How long does that "additional" hiding need?

 

Managed exit and D are largely synonymous to me. That's why I find the whole concept of this bogus as it relates from MM to OW.

 

On my IPhone so if this is a bit incoherent it's because I can't see what I'be already written.

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There are cases where if someone leaving were to be honest then the consequences of that would be so bad that a managed exit is the only way. In cases of abuse (which I'm not suggesting is the case for most MM) it is actually advised to plan in secret to leave.

 

Oh, I agree 100%. Abuse is an exception to what I posted. IMO, there are always exceptions.

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desertIslandCactus
Hey, I'm the pooh-pooher!! :)

 

What I pooh-pooh is the notion that a managed exit takes any length of time. Seriously, when I got D I had overseas businesses, homes and other assets not to mention the ongoing concerns here in the US. Time to settle D: 3 months. Asset Value in question: 2-3 mil US. It wasn't hard at all. Nor did it take long. When I hear of MM saying they are doing a managed exit it sets off my BS radar based on my own experience.

 

But we are comparing apples to oranges. Because I did my managed exit in full view of everyone ( I have the lawyer bills to prove it - ugh). What you are talking about is an ambush D where the D serving party seeks to civilly and perhaps criminally violate legal statutes. This will subject the perpetrator and accomplices to civil and criminal penalties - including forfeiture of hidden assets. Time lots apply and vary by state. Now this hiding of assists I'm sure takes some forthought. It's going to be hard to shield assets the spouse already knows about. So we are really talking about assets the spouse already doesn't know about. And if that's the case, why the need to hide that which is already hidden? What more can be done? Discovery is discovery.

 

That's why I think a managed exit is bogus. The spouse will, after the ambush D, will hire lawyers and begin financial discovery. What is already known by the spouse will be sought after. What isn't can be searched but it's more difficult to find - and doesn't much more hiding. How long does that "additional" hiding need?

 

Managed exit and D are largely synonymous to me. That's why I find the whole concept of this bogus as it relates from MM to OW.

 

On my IPhone so if this is a bit incoherent it's because I can't see what I'be already written.

 

Groan, 'hidden assets' .. That can take a very expensive 4 year civil suit, additionally. Then add 2 more years to settle.

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Groan, 'hidden assets' .. That can take a very expensive 4 year civil suit, additionally. Then add 2 more years to settle.

 

Or, take a leap and tell the truth. I will cost more in the short term, but save a whole bunch of time, money and aggravation in the long term. And, as a bonus, the MM will get to be with the one he loves sooner.

 

I know, it probably won't happen, but one can have hopes that there are people out there who care about honesty. My faith in humanity is still intact, so I will continue to believe it's possible.

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desertIslandCactus
Or, take a leap and tell the truth. I will cost more in the short term, but save a whole bunch of time, money and aggravation in the long term. And, as a bonus, the MM will get to be with the one he loves sooner.

 

I know, it probably won't happen, but one can have hopes that there are people out there who care about honesty. My faith in humanity is still intact, so I will continue to believe it's possible.

 

I think a cheater will lie and cheat in other diff ways.

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I think a cheater will lie and cheat in other diff ways.

 

Probably true, but oh so sad especially for the liar. When a person lies to much, sometimes they are not able to even see the truth.

 

In the case of a secret "managed exit", if a MM is taking the exit into his own hands without his wife having any knowledge, his actions are clouded by his lies. Meaning he believes his own lies and makes decisions based on what he believes to be true even if it isn't.

 

Once the exit is out in the open, his BW may have a different set of facts. Armed with true facts, the BW can easily dispute the actions of the MM. Even if he believes the lies, if they can't be proven, his "managed exit" can become his worst nightmare.

 

I based the above on a friend's divorce. Her H is still paying for his "managed exit" 8 years later. She, however, has a wonderful boyfriend and a beautiful home for her and her kids. She will continue to benefit from the "managed exit" until she decides to get married again, which she says will never happen. Her xH's managed exit worked well for her but not so good for him.

Edited by herenow
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bentnotbroken

I managed Mr. Messy's exit. I told him nothing after I discovered the affair. I let him hang himself and her. Then I managed his tushy right out the front door, where he was served on the front steps. :)

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Breezy Trousers
Agreed.

A's are dysfunctional. Relationships from A's are dysfunctional. Making a sneaky exit is dysfunctional. Encouraging A's after getting M is dysfunctional.

 

Yes. Just common sense, really.

 

I've heard some horrific "managed exit" stories. (The worst: In 1982, a homemaker friend came home to find half of the family's furniture removed by executive husband leaving her for OW -- while their son was being hospitalized in another city. She had come home for a change of clothes.) While I feel bad for the betrayed, I have to think, "What must it be like to live in the (vengeful) consciousness of someone who finds it so easy to devalue, discard, manipulate and lie?" To live in that state of consciousness is its own punishment. So maybe BS has it easy in comparison.

 

P.S. The guy who left my friend in 1982 is still with his OW, but none of his children from his first marriage ever spoke to him again. He never reached out to them, either. He and OW have had lots of challenges but are still together.... My girlfriend went from being a displaced homemaker to getting a Masters and being named honorary alumni at an internationally famous university two years ago. However, she never got into a significant relationship again, and she's a vibrant woman.... A child from each of the two marriages committed suicide. So it wasn't a happily-ever-after story for anyone, really.

Edited by Breezy Trousers
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desertIslandCactus
Yes. Just common sense, really.

 

I've heard some horrific "managed exit" stories. (The worst: In 1982, a homemaker friend came home to find half of the family's furniture removed by executive husband leaving her for OW -- while their son was being hospitalized in another city. She had come home for a change of clothes.) While I feel bad for the betrayed, I have to think, "What must it be like to live in the (vengeful) consciousness of someone who finds it so easy to devalue, discard, manipulate and lie?" To live in that state of consciousness is its own punishment. So maybe BS has it easy in comparison.

 

P.S. The guy who left my friend in 1982 is still with his OW, but none of his children from his first marriage ever spoke to him again. He never reached out to them, either. He and OW have had lots of challenges but are still together.... My girlfriend went from being a displaced homemaker to getting a Masters and being named honorary alumni at an internationally famous university two years ago. However, she never got into a significant relationship again, and she's a vibrant woman.... A child from each of the two marriages committed suicide. So it wasn't a happily-ever-after story for anyone, really.

 

A big congratulations to your girl friend the overcomer, Breezy.

 

The sad ending is more reason to know that if the family unit breaks, innocent are left vulnerable. A strong family unit is one of the things that can conquer these outside attacks. People should realize this, when they take the important step of marriage and having children.

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A "managed exit" doesn't require an affair.

 

IMO...the reason that this typically happens is because the spouse who engages in the affair is quite often a conflict avoider...and so avoids dealing with/addressing problems within the marriage or that they have within their relationship with their spouse. So rather than fix/end that relationship FIRST...which is typically the most desirable method...they start another relationship first...and then slowly transfer their emotional involvement FROM their BS to their affair partner.

 

That provides them the "strength" to do what they otherwise wouldn't have done on their own...force change.

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I did, very methodically, and, once clear, realized both OW and BS were ersatz, so exited them both. Freedom :)

 

Owl's right. It doesn't require an affair, but the emotions of the affair, in my case, inspired me to take actions which ultimately were healthy. The affair was, for myself, wrong, but the end result was very right.

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I managed Mr. Messy's exit. I told him nothing after I discovered the affair. I let him hang himself and her. Then I managed his tushy right out the front door, where he was served on the front steps. :)
Bent, You didn't tell him you knew? I knew someone that found out but didn't say anything. She had him pay for her tummy tuck and boob lift and then left him six months later while he was out of town.

 

I'd say that was a managed exit with benefits.:p

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A "managed exit" doesn't require an affair.

 

IMO...the reason that this typically happens is because the spouse who engages in the affair is quite often a conflict avoider...and so avoids dealing with/addressing problems within the marriage or that they have within their relationship with their spouse. So rather than fix/end that relationship FIRST...which is typically the most desirable method...they start another relationship first...and then slowly transfer their emotional involvement FROM their BS to their affair partner.

 

That provides them the "strength" to do what they otherwise wouldn't have done on their own...force change.

 

I so agree with this Owl. I am someone who believes in freedom, free speech, equality etc, it beggars belief that someone can choose to manage another's reality by lies, manage their future by not disclosing actions that will ultimately have a huge impact upon them and do this knowingly and cold bloodedly. I understand falling out of love, I understand falling in love, I don't get the gaslighting sneaky stuff. It offends my sense of fair play and decency.

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bentnotbroken
Bent, You didn't tell him you knew? I knew someone that found out but didn't say anything. She had him pay for her tummy tuck and boob lift and then left him six months later while he was out of town.

 

I'd say that was a managed exit with benefits.:p

 

 

Not in the beginning. I had already asked and was lied to. That was enough to feel completely sure of my choices. I had good friends, a great family and supportive minister. Those people helped me keep my cool and deal with my emotions in the healthiest way possible at the time, therapy and medication. I went to one of the other sites and was banned because I couldn't stay out of the protected places. :rolleyes:. But it felt good while it lasted. :p

 

 

Even the process server was a great help. :love:

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Even the process server was a great help. :love:

 

Perhaps for much different reasons, I was never happier to see a man with a gun on my doorstep in my life. Normally, LEO's on your doorstep aren't a good thing. :)

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Hey, I'm the pooh-pooher!! :)

 

What I pooh-pooh is the notion that a managed exit takes any length of time. Seriously, when I got D I had overseas businesses, homes and other assets not to mention the ongoing concerns here in the US. Time to settle D: 3 months. Asset Value in question: 2-3 mil US. It wasn't hard at all. Nor did it take long. When I hear of MM saying they are doing a managed exit it sets off my BS radar based on my own experience.

 

I think the length of time it takes depends on the individual circumstances of that split. In my H's case, for example, it did take some time (though at this stage I can't recall exactly how long) as several things needed to happen once we decided we wanted to be together:

 

1) he had to tell the kids about the A, about me, about our plans to be together;

2) he had to organise family counselling for them to prepare for the split, and then participate in it until it reached a point of readiness for the split;

3) he had to progress to a suitable point in IC to be able to confront the BW;

4) he had to inform the BW of his intention to leave;

5) he had to find a suitable place for him and the kids to live, once they left - which is not easy given the various criteria it had to meet (access to his work, access to the kids' school, sufficient suitable space for their various pursuits, affordable rent, etc);

6) he had to inform his family of the split, as well as doing all the necessary change of address admin and transferring of utilities and services out of his name at his "old" address so that he could apply for new services at the new address - which required waiting times;

7) he had to organise the physical move at a time when the kids were available to assist, in amongst all their commitments;

8) he had to make sure he had sufficient liquid funds to cover all the costs (transfer / connection of services, double rental for deposit, legal fees, costs of physical move, costs of fitting out and furnishing an entire home, etc).

 

It's no small feat. It does, and did, take time.

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:confused: How is this:

 

in others, they advise the BS they will be leaving, and when, and then do so.

 

blindsiding the BS.

Cowardly, ball-less.

?

 

Surely informing someone what you intend to do, and then doing it, is the opposite of blindsiding someone? Or do you have a different understanding of the term? :confused:

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LucreziaBorgia

My mother (rest her soul) did a managed exit. She popped me (two at the time) and my brother (six months old) into a playpen and taped a note to the TV explaining why she was leaving to go live with a married guy in some hotel. Eight hours later my father got home from work and found us there. Yeah, she informed him. In a completely reprehensible way.

 

Was he blindsided even though he was bound to have known things were going south? Sure. Was it a cowardly and ball-less thing none-the-less? Yes.

 

Seriously - it doesn't matter how you do it: cheating your way out of a marriage is cowardly and blindsiding regardless of what spin is put on it, how "managed" it seems or how "well" it turned out.

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desertIslandCactus
My mother (rest her soul) did a managed exit. She popped me (two at the time) and my brother (six months old) into a playpen and taped a note to the TV explaining why she was leaving to go live with a married guy in some hotel. Eight hours later my father got home from work and found us there. Yeah, she informed him. In a completely reprehensible way.

 

Was he blindsided even though he was bound to have known things were going south? Sure. Was it a cowardly and ball-less thing none-the-less? Yes.

 

Seriously - it doesn't matter how you do it: cheating your way out of a marriage is cowardly and blindsiding regardless of what spin is put on it, how "managed" it seems or how "well" it turned out.

 

This says it all.

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White Flower
A "managed exit" doesn't require an affair.

 

IMO...the reason that this typically happens is because the spouse who engages in the affair is quite often a conflict avoider...and so avoids dealing with/addressing problems within the marriage or that they have within their relationship with their spouse. So rather than fix/end that relationship FIRST...which is typically the most desirable method...they start another relationship first...and then slowly transfer their emotional involvement FROM their BS to their affair partner.

 

That provides them the "strength" to do what they otherwise wouldn't have done on their own...force change.

But that is beside the point. A managed exit can happen, and more importantly SHOULD happen if the MP is not happy, regardless of their being an A.

 

And I disagree with your last statement; emotional detachment is what caused the A to happen in the first place. There is no transfer.

 

I think the length of time it takes depends on the individual circumstances of that split. In my H's case, for example, it did take some time (though at this stage I can't recall exactly how long) as several things needed to happen once we decided we wanted to be together:

 

1) he had to tell the kids about the A, about me, about our plans to be together;

2) he had to organise family counselling for them to prepare for the split, and then participate in it until it reached a point of readiness for the split;

3) he had to progress to a suitable point in IC to be able to confront the BW;

4) he had to inform the BW of his intention to leave;

5) he had to find a suitable place for him and the kids to live, once they left - which is not easy given the various criteria it had to meet (access to his work, access to the kids' school, sufficient suitable space for their various pursuits, affordable rent, etc);

6) he had to inform his family of the split, as well as doing all the necessary change of address admin and transferring of utilities and services out of his name at his "old" address so that he could apply for new services at the new address - which required waiting times;

7) he had to organise the physical move at a time when the kids were available to assist, in amongst all their commitments;

8) he had to make sure he had sufficient liquid funds to cover all the costs (transfer / connection of services, double rental for deposit, legal fees, costs of physical move, costs of fitting out and furnishing an entire home, etc).

 

It's no small feat. It does, and did, take time.

How can this be contrued as this...

 

Step by step in the demise of a M .. or others, isn't anything to boast about - no matter how long or short the planned conquest.

In no way is demise or conquest being discussed. You are clearly painting your projections onto this situation. If someone is unhappy they leave, regardless of there being an A.

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