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theSilliestFairy

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theSilliestFairy

Hi there.

I have been lurking on here since early last year; popping on and off reading people's advice and stories.

 

I have come to a crucial point in my affair now and would like some advice about how to proceed. I also hope I can maybe help others who might be heading in the same direction as me.

 

To cut a stupidly long story short, I was married up until last August to a man who I have known since my early twenties. We have two small children together but our marriage began to breakdown after the birth of DS2 (April 09). We stopped sleeping together, rarely communicated properly and despite countless efforts to get him to open up to me, I gave into an affair with a close friend who was also having marital problems. That was December 2009.

Over the last 14 months I have lost weight and worried myself sick over this situation with MM. In the end I couldn't stand the thought of having an affair any longer and ended my marriage. My MM continued to live with his deceit because he couldn't bear to be parted from his young daughter :(.

Since November, MM and I have fallen hopelessly in love. we always cared for each other but it has become deeper and stronger and more intimate. He spoke of leaving his wife this year and started to make preparations to do so. I knew it would be a long process, with her already suspicious of me, I had to lay low and wait.

 

Yesterday I sent him an email as my texts were refusing to send. The email basically said "phone messing about, can't text back. Miss you but not as much as I love you." I figured he'd pick it up on his iPhone as usual. I hadn't banked on him having just landed in Spain, taking longer than usual to retrive it. As it turns out my texts WERE getting through. Fast forward 2 hours. I receive a call from an unknown number. Thinking it was my letting agent I cheerily answered it. Oh no. it was THE WIFE. my blood ran cold when she asked if I was having an affair with her husband. I sighed, told her to speak to him and hung up. Call it shock... :eek:

She rang me 3 times over the next couple of hours. the first call was BE HONEST, the 2nd was to tell me she'd rung him and he had denied me saying I was a sick fantasist and what was she to believe now? I was DEVASTATED. i thought I could die. When he text to ask if I had spoken to her, I told him to go to hell. Turns out he didn't say anything of the sort but she gave a persuasive argument and made me doubt his integrity.

I haven't called or text him since. I figure he's had enough to be getting on with being on "holiday" with his stepson (poor kid!) and the family getting wind of the whole thing.

 

Today, I received a call while at work from an unknown, but not witheld, number. I rang it back and was shocked to hear his sister in law on the other end. The poor woman had 6 bin bags in the boot of her car - all his belongings - as a "present" for me. I couldn't take them as I have no car so she took them back for the time being. Mortified doesn't even come close!

 

My sister is dating MM's business partner who spoke to him today. MM says he won't contact me til he is back as he wants to discuss this in person and doesn't want to text it all. He says he is still madly in love with me but has to tread carefully now. I'm actually scared of seeing him, daft as that sounds. I feel responsible for forcing this with my awful error of judgement. If only I hadn't have sent that stupid email.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far. As you can imagine, I feel guilty, sick, sad and miserable for causing such pain to everyone and I haven't a clue where to go from here. :(:(

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Hi there.

I have been lurking on here since early last year; popping on and off reading people's advice and stories.

 

I have come to a crucial point in my affair now and would like some advice about how to proceed. I also hope I can maybe help others who might be heading in the same direction as me.

 

To cut a stupidly long story short, I was married up until last August to a man who I have known since my early twenties. We have two small children together but our marriage began to breakdown after the birth of DS2 (April 09). We stopped sleeping together, rarely communicated properly and despite countless efforts to get him to open up to me, I gave into an affair with a close friend who was also having marital problems. That was December 2009.

Over the last 14 months I have lost weight and worried myself sick over this situation with MM. In the end I couldn't stand the thought of having an affair any longer and ended my marriage. My MM continued to live with his deceit because he couldn't bear to be parted from his young daughter :(.

Since November, MM and I have fallen hopelessly in love. we always cared for each other but it has become deeper and stronger and more intimate. He spoke of leaving his wife this year and started to make preparations to do so. I knew it would be a long process, with her already suspicious of me, I had to lay low and wait.

 

Yesterday I sent him an email as my texts were refusing to send. The email basically said "phone messing about, can't text back. Miss you but not as much as I love you." I figured he'd pick it up on his iPhone as usual. I hadn't banked on him having just landed in Spain, taking longer than usual to retrive it. As it turns out my texts WERE getting through. Fast forward 2 hours. I receive a call from an unknown number. Thinking it was my letting agent I cheerily answered it. Oh no. it was THE WIFE. my blood ran cold when she asked if I was having an affair with her husband. I sighed, told her to speak to him and hung up. Call it shock... :eek:

She rang me 3 times over the next couple of hours. the first call was BE HONEST, the 2nd was to tell me she'd rung him and he had denied me saying I was a sick fantasist and what was she to believe now? I was DEVASTATED. i thought I could die. When he text to ask if I had spoken to her, I told him to go to hell. Turns out he didn't say anything of the sort but she gave a persuasive argument and made me doubt his integrity.

I haven't called or text him since. I figure he's had enough to be getting on with being on "holiday" with his stepson (poor kid!) and the family getting wind of the whole thing.

 

Today, I received a call while at work from an unknown, but not witheld, number. I rang it back and was shocked to hear his sister in law on the other end. The poor woman had 6 bin bags in the boot of her car - all his belongings - as a "present" for me. I couldn't take them as I have no car so she took them back for the time being. Mortified doesn't even come close!

 

My sister is dating MM's business partner who spoke to him today. MM says he won't contact me til he is back as he wants to discuss this in person and doesn't want to text it all. He says he is still madly in love with me but has to tread carefully now. I'm actually scared of seeing him, daft as that sounds. I feel responsible for forcing this with my awful error of judgement. If only I hadn't have sent that stupid email.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far. As you can imagine, I feel guilty, sick, sad and miserable for causing such pain to everyone and I haven't a clue where to go from here. :(:(

 

 

yes, you do... stay away. stay away after you call his wife and speak your truth. she has a right to the peace of mind you helped steal... and you can give some of it back to her by saying your truth... and how he participated as well.

 

then never speak to his lying *$$ again!

 

he had no intention of leaving her - now he's stuck because he got caught. she threw him out and he's gonna beg you - even though you were his "second choice"

 

remember = he will lie - IF you talk to him...

 

call the wife... that is the right thing.

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He lied to his wife whom he married and whom is the mother of his child(ren). Do you think he would hesitate lying to his mistress? :laugh:

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OMG! If the wife was suspicious of you before then she would now know the entire story. There is no lie to tell. You just confirmed her beliefs with the email. The question is honestly... do you want to hear what he has to say. I know others might not want you to but you need to know ...Body language says everything, its good face to face. The only thing you can do is let him handle his relationship with his wife. If she comes to you and you feel the need to be honest, not just back stab him. Tell her everything. But for now wait until he returns. When kids are involved its best to consider how the family is coping right now. Wait patiently! Let us know the status as things occur and what he says word for word.

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theSilliestFairy
He lied to his wife whom he married and whom is the mother of his child(ren). Do you think he would hesitate lying to his mistress? :laugh:

 

I should probably explain that MM has spoken to my sister and his business partner (her boyfriend) since yesterday afternoon (we regularly see each other as a foursome). on both occasions he reiterated that he DID NOT deny me, nor did he call me a sick fantasist and his intention has always been to be with me and his feelings have not changed.

 

When the business partner went over to his house to drop off van keys, MM was on the phone to the wife and was telling her everything. BPartner has known MM for 28 years and her for 10 of them. He doesn't trust her an inch and has known her to try and come between them before for whatever reason.

 

I fully understand the cynicism of all who may be reading and I welcome all replies but it is easy to miss out details when you're pouring your heart out. I will try and be as thorough as I can

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theSilliestFairy
OMG! If the wife was suspicious of you before then she would now know the entire story. There is no lie to tell. You just confirmed her beliefs with the email. The question is honestly... do you want to hear what he has to say. I know others might not want you to but you need to know ...Body language says everything, its good face to face. The only thing you can do is let him handle his relationship with his wife. If she comes to you and you feel the need to be honest, not just back stab him. Tell her everything. But for now wait until he returns. When kids are involved its best to consider how the family is coping right now. Wait patiently! Let us know the status as things occur and what he says word for word.

 

Hi thanks for this. I fully intend to lay low. I'm devastated this has come out before he had a chance to end it before she found out. I truly wanted it to end "properly".

Yes she has been suspicious of me for a long time. Call it woman's intuition because I have never met her, despite being friends with him for 3 years. She rung me once, before the A began, asking me if I was carrying on with him!!

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and made me doubt his integrity.

 

so are you saying you never doubted this cheating man's integrity before? just the sheer fact that he became involved with you shows his true character - or lack of is a better way to put it.

 

I feel responsible for forcing this with my awful error of judgement.

 

nope - OWN what YOU did. no error of "judgment" you did it willingly - and full well knowing he was married. there was no ERROR! it was on purpose! own that part - at least. if you aren't honest with yourself - you have nothing.

 

If only I hadn't have sent that stupid email.

 

oh, so you only regret the email? the email that got you caught? how about regretting participating in another family's whole world and causing it to crumble down?

 

how about calling your MM what he is = a lying. cheating. half of a boy. who hurts people he says he loves.

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Hi thanks for this. I fully intend to lay low. I'm devastated this has come out before he had a chance to end it before she found out. I truly wanted it to end "properly".

Yes she has been suspicious of me for a long time. Call it woman's intuition because I have never met her, despite being friends with him for 3 years. She rung me once, before the A began, asking me if I was carrying on with him!!

 

he didn't intend to leave her - don't you see that?

 

 

he's only sorry she found out.

 

she at least, has some boundaries... she threw him out - now you get the booby prize... and you are his second choice because he had no intention of leaving her - he just didn't intend to get caught.

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theSilliestFairy
so are you saying you never doubted this cheating man's integrity before? just the sheer fact that he became involved with you shows his true character - or lack of is a better way to put it.

 

 

 

nope - OWN what YOU did. no error of "judgment" you did it willingly - and full well knowing he was married. there was no ERROR! it was on purpose! own that part - at least. if you aren't honest with yourself - you have nothing.

 

 

 

oh, so you only regret the email? the email that got you caught? how about regretting participating in another family's whole world and causing it to crumble down?

 

how about calling your MM what he is = a lying. cheating. half of a boy. who hurts people he says he loves.

 

Fair play. I deserved that.

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I should probably explain that MM has spoken to my sister and his business partner (her boyfriend) since yesterday afternoon (we regularly see each other as a foursome). on both occasions he reiterated that he DID NOT deny me, nor did he call me a sick fantasist and his intention has always been to be with me and his feelings have not changed.

 

When the business partner went over to his house to drop off van keys, MM was on the phone to the wife and was telling her everything. BPartner has known MM for 28 years and her for 10 of them. He doesn't trust her an inch and has known her to try and come between them before for whatever reason.

 

I fully understand the cynicism of all who may be reading and I welcome all replies but it is easy to miss out details when you're pouring your heart out. I will try and be as thorough as I can

 

you are in a VERY tangled web. step away... RUN!!!!

 

this is not YOUR family! you don't belong in this.

 

her's gonna do his damage control - IF she won't take him back - he will then and only then run to you!

 

he lies! he lies! he lies!

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Fair play. I deserved that.

 

my intention isn't to be mean at all honey, i'm trying to get you to see the reality of what you have created... you can get out now while your soul is still there...

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my intention isn't to be mean at all honey, i'm trying to get you to see the reality of what you have created... you can get out now while your soul is still there...

 

God help me, I know what i've created. I'm not a nasty person, I just fell head over heels for someone who wasn't mine.

I've lost so much weight and worried myself to death over this for 14 months, the rose-tinted specs came off a long time ago. The trouble is, and I read it in a lot of these posts, when you're so in love with someone and they return that love, it's so very hard to be objective. Morally, this is despicable and most days I can't believe I ever got myself in this situation!! :(

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I feel for you. I just hope that you didn't leave your husband to be with this man because he may or may not divorce his wife.

 

Hi, no I didn't. I left him because he is selfish and self-centred and puts himself, the gym and money before his family.

But I see your point

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God help me, I know what i've created. I'm not a nasty person, I just fell head over heels for someone who wasn't mine.

I've lost so much weight and worried myself to death over this for 14 months, the rose-tinted specs came off a long time ago. The trouble is, and I read it in a lot of these posts, when you're so in love with someone and they return that love, it's so very hard to be objective. Morally, this is despicable and most days I can't believe I ever got myself in this situation!! :(

 

now is a great time to break free. you can do it. do not allow any contact from him... you deserve to be a man's TOP priority.

 

don't settle.

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My thing is what does he want to tell you! It can't be anything new...other than maybe he doesn't want to be with you.

 

Don't regret anything. Life is living... the only thing good that can come from this is learning a lesson. Love is a hard game to play you thnk you're in control and whoops you don't.

 

Focus on you right now and your kids. I don't know what drama awaits but it's coming. Meditate. Get the junk food ready also.

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theSilliestFairy
now is a great time to break free. you can do it. do not allow any contact from him... you deserve to be a man's TOP priority.

 

don't settle.

 

Yes you're right. I haven't spoken to him since 5pm yesterday... its now 11.26pm (GMT). I know that doesn't sound long, but when all this has kicked off, it feels like forever.

I keep picking up my mobile and putting it down.

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Focus on you right now and your kids. I don't know what drama awaits but it's coming. Meditate. Get the junk food ready also.

I'm laughing. Can you see the snacks on my bed??!!

 

Jokes aside, I have no idea what he'll say but I'm sure it will come... the boy can talk!:rolleyes:

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bentnotbroken

Wow you and your sister.:eek:That poor woman is being gas lighted by the who she married and you for quite some time. Her mental health has been pushed and pushed because no one has the guts to tell her the truth. Just keep lying to her until he is ready to leave to make your and his life easier. You have children, what would you tell them if they were in this situation? Being lied to by their spouse and the person who is helping the spouse to lie?

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I'm laughing. Can you see the snacks on my bed??!!

 

Jokes aside, I have no idea what he'll say but I'm sure it will come... the boy can talk!:rolleyes:

 

he has to talk to get YOU to do what he wants!

 

he also has to talk - because he knows he's not a man of action. IF his words don't match the action - he lies.

 

tell him - don't contact me... unless your divorce is final!

 

otherwise you may as well rip your own heart out now and start stomping on it... because that's what it will feel like if you decide to stay involved.

 

even IF he gets divorced - you are doomed... you will NEVER really know if he honestly would have chosen you.

 

i'd tell him to take a leap.

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even IF he gets divorced - you are doomed... you will NEVER really know if he honestly would have chosen you.

 

i'd tell him to take a leap.

 

That hit home because I always told him I wanted him to choose me not force his hand... marvellous.

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That hit home because I always told him I wanted him to choose me not force his hand... marvellous.

 

and his lies will get bigger because he will need to reorganize the mess he's created... in order to keep his ego feed going...

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Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you asap if she does end up kicking him out or if he chooses to leave her. He has other friends and family he can go to, before coming to you.

 

Time will tell if he is being completely honest with you or if he has been playing both you and his wife for fools. Just know since he IS a good liar, quite skilled to have pulled off this affair for so long, denying it to his wife for quite a while, don't think he wouldn't ever omit truths from you or lie to you as well. You know what he's capable of. Careful for what you wish for. Do a search on Mino, she recently did an update on her situation with her MM, they are together, but it's not what she thought it would be like.. Affair relationships and the affair dynamics are NOT a real out in the open relationship. Many believe both R's are quite similar, but they aren't.

 

Focus on you, your life and try to stay out of his marriage, the details of it ending. Let him handle it his way, give time and space. End the A as it is now, no more sex or sneaking off to be together. If you two have ANY chance, the whole affair dynamic has to end and start anew. Fresh and honest. As well as him LIVING on his own and being on his own before you two get cozy again..

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I'm laughing. Can you see the snacks on my bed??!!

 

Jokes aside, I have no idea what he'll say but I'm sure it will come... the boy can talk!:rolleyes:

 

 

*Emme passes TSF a box of Mallomars*

 

I have been munching like crazy. Don't get sick now. They are all smooth talkers and smooth operators. We are also... so use your back bone. Get ready for the throw down. Remember... It's going to be a sales pitch so be ready.

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Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you asap if she does end up kicking him out or if he chooses to leave her. He has other friends and family he can go to, before coming to you.

 

Time will tell if he is being completely honest with you or if he has been playing both you and his wife for fools. Just know since he IS a good liar, quite skilled to have pulled off this affair for so long, denying it to his wife for quite a while, don't think he wouldn't ever omit truths from you or lie to you as well. You know what he's capable of. Careful for what you wish for. Do a search on Mino, she recently did an update on her situation with her MM, they are together, but it's not what she thought it would be like.. Affair relationships and the affair dynamics are NOT a real out in the open relationship. Many believe both R's are quite similar, but they aren't.

 

Focus on you, your life and try to stay out of his marriage, the details of it ending. Let him handle it his way, give time and space. End the A as it is now, no more sex or sneaking off to be together. If you two have ANY chance, the whole affair dynamic has to end and start anew. Fresh and honest. As well as him LIVING on his own and being on his own before you two get cozy again..

 

 

Thanks for this, I have already told myself that laying low and saying nothing is the best way to approach this now. I don't actually want to know anything that goes on between them. MM has to dewal with this. And no, he can't come and live with me. I have two small children who don't need that complication. Despite being a mug, I am a good mother and my kids come before anything. I remember sayng to a friend 6 months ago that if MM asked me to move in with him, I would say no. I just want a boyfriend, not another live-in-lover. I know reality and affair-fantasy are very much separate things. I said to my sister today, I know we'd have to go right back to the start.

 

These past 24 hours have been a real shocker. God knows what I expected it to be like but you can never appreciate anything until it smacks you in the face! Well, let me say to anyone reading this, it's surreal, it rips you in two and it's the worst guilt and pain you will ever face. If anything were to take the gloss off an A (and yes, I use the term loosely with my tongue in cheek!) it would be that moment when the wife confronts the mistress. Which begs the age-old question WHY THE BLOODY HELL START IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!

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