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Picker/Gut Check regarding new guy


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Old 15th February 2011, 12:12 PM   #1
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Picker/Gut Check regarding new guy

So, I've posted before about my crappy picker. I went to dinner with a new single guy yesterday. Overall, he seems pretty normal, considerate, and compatible with me - but there is one thing that bothers me. Maybe I'm oversensitive, or maybe not.

This new guy has been divorced since 2004. He was the one that filed for D. However, he's had an on and off relationship with his xW since then. This last time they were togther 3 years and split 5 months ago. During one of their splits, she got pregnant by someone else. He's been in that child's life since she was a few months old and considers her his daughter. It's my understanding that the daughter believes he is her bio father. She's 9 now.

So my concern is that this flip flopping with the xW and the recency of their latest breakup could suggest that they aren't done. He says they are done, and it was mutual. (And the icing on that cake is his xW's name is the same as xDM's xW - cosmic warning?). Secondly, he talks about a lack of true love and passion in the M, which had made me wonder some if he really has realistic expectations for how LTR's work.

I don't honestly know him well enough to know how deep this rabbit hole goes, but the last thing i want to do is hop right into a relationship that's exactly like theone i just left. Obviously I am sensitive to a man's possible enmeshment with an ex because of xDM.

Am I being paranoid? What should I do? Proceed with caution or just run?
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Old 15th February 2011, 12:17 PM   #2
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I say don't look for the bad in every new R/date! The older we get, the more baggage people are going to have & there's always going to be a R in the corner pocket, it's just the way it is.

But...I'd put together a checklist of dealbreakers & things you really want from a LTR.
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Old 15th February 2011, 12:43 PM   #3
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He's had an on/off relationship with this woman for some years, and only ended things with her a few months ago. He has gone back to her at least once since their divorce, and that would make me feel insecure that he'd do it again. The whole on/off thing would be a huge red flag to me.

Also don't forget that he has a child with this woman, and (importantly) it isn't his biological child, so he has no rights. His ex could stop him seeing the child at any point, and there's nothing he could do except get back together with her in order to resume his access to the child. Imo the child and his lack of parental rights is a huge draw to bring him back to the relationship with his ex.

My advice is to steer well clear...
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Old 15th February 2011, 1:14 PM   #4
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BL, I think it's awesome that you are dating and even better that your picker is on. I haven't tried my new one out yet and frankly thinking about it makes me break it in a new hot flash.
I see some caution flags in what you describe but still think it might be worth getting to know him a bit more. Also you can consider it a learning experience as in learning more about yourself and how you wish to handle yellow flags. Go slow and make you and what you expect as a priority.
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Old 15th February 2011, 1:19 PM   #5
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Why would the daughter believe your date was her bio dad? Why would he agree to that?
very fishy.

BTW, does he pay child support?

Last edited by PeachyPink; 15th February 2011 at 1:25 PM..
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Old 15th February 2011, 1:27 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Eeyore79 View Post
He's had an on/off relationship with this woman for some years, and only ended things with her a few months ago. He has gone back to her at least once since their divorce, and that would make me feel insecure that he'd do it again. The whole on/off thing would be a huge red flag to me.

Also don't forget that he has a child with this woman, and (importantly) it isn't his biological child, so he has no rights. His ex could stop him seeing the child at any point, and there's nothing he could do except get back together with her in order to resume his access to the child. Imo the child and his lack of parental rights is a huge draw to bring him back to the relationship with his ex.

My advice is to steer well clear...
I agree with this.

BL, I too think its great that you're putting yourself out there again, but this new possible R seems to kind of have almost the same dynamic as the A. Here's a man that you're interested in, but there's a lot of back and forth with his xW. There's a woman in the picture that he could very well end up going back to because of this kid at least.

Sure it doesn't have the lying and betrayal of an A, but if he has all these emotional attachments to her and this kid - it seems like the same ol story...

I dunno, I know that you're trying to break your pattern and I know that you're trying to pick better, but there are similar bumps in the road as there were in an A.

Get to know him, but be careful.

Good luck
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Old 15th February 2011, 2:37 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by PeachyPink View Post
Why would the daughter believe your date was her bio dad? Why would he agree to that?
very fishy.

BTW, does he pay child support?
I don't know if he adopted her or if he pays support. I think at the time the child was born, he wanted his ex back. If I understand the story correctly: They'd been seperated (but not divorced) for 2 years and missed each other. He went to where W was to see her and other members of his family. He said the more time he spent with the baby, the more he felt like he wanted to be her father. (Part of the reason they split in the 1st place is because she wanted to have kids and he didn't). The W moved back from another state with the baby. It didn't work between them and within 2 years they got divorced anyway. They then seperated again for 3 years. They decided to get back together (but not remarry) "for the child". Naturally that didn't work either, so he left again in October. He did date during the seperations and it sounds like he just never found anyone else he connected with.
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Old 15th February 2011, 6:49 PM   #8
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BL I am so excited for you that you are moving forward.

That being said, I am a big believer that the universe sends us opportunities to learn the same lesson again and again until we learn the lesson.

I have dated quite a bit and never ever dated anyone who was divorced and went back to their spouse. I dated someone once who was separated and got a bad vibe about his relationship with his wife and only saw him once more and that was it.

Everyone has different boundaries, but you were SO incredibly burnt in the last year or two, that I would hate to see you be "flexible" with someone who has the exact same issue as the man who burnt you.


Some say face your fear, not everyone is the same etc etc etc

But if you go out more and you start to like him and the same problem resurfaces I dont know. You are so lovely and so trusting and so accomodating I would hate to see you have to learn the same lesson again.

Yes everyone has baggage but I think maybe you want a different brand of baggage this time.
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Old 15th February 2011, 7:05 PM   #9
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Considering the length and complexity of his past M and subsequent entanglement with his exW, five months isn't near enough time to properly process that to a place of healthy neutrality, especially if he's co-parenting a child or children with that ex.

Check the divorce docket in his county of residence to make sure he's really divorced
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Old 15th February 2011, 7:18 PM   #10
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Considering the length and complexity of his past M and subsequent entanglement with his exW, five months isn't near enough time to properly process that to a place of healthy neutrality, especially if he's co-parenting a child or children with that ex.

Check the divorce docket in his county of residence to make sure he's really divorced

After reading Carhill's post, I think this is the wisest advice and I agree about checking out the divorce.
You can bet that is one thing I will ALWAYS do in the future.
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Old 15th February 2011, 7:27 PM   #11
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I added that (check the divorce) because I've been lied to before about that. If a woman asks me about my divorce, I say 'here's the docket number and the web site at the court; check it for yourself'. Much more than the actual divorce papers, court dockets are a blast to read, especially all the back and forth and mistakes.

OP, if I were faced with a woman presenting herself as this man has, I'd be outta there so fast my suspenders would make a sonic boom. Too many lessons learned from being an OM and MM. BTDT. Hopefully, you'll adopt a more moderate position
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Old 15th February 2011, 10:38 PM   #12
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Carhill,
I trust no one right away anymore. I verified his divorce with court records before I agreed to meet him. I thoroughly investigated everything, even parking tickets.
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Old 15th February 2011, 10:45 PM   #13
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Everyone is giving you really good,, practical advise. My two cents is listen to your intuition....if something doesn't "feel" right, trust your instincts - they're telling you something. It sounds like the guy has a ton of baggage and its probably not all unpacked yet.
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Old 16th February 2011, 10:29 PM   #14
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if they were still legally married at the time of the child's birth, then he is automatically 'assumed' to be the father of the child. he is automatically obligated to pay child support. there are many many many cases of this.
I hadn't thought of that - duh! You're right.

Quote:
i think it is very good of him to not treat the child as a product of an affair. it shows his integrity and his compassion. why should the child be black listed because the mom had a relationship with someone else during the separation.
Yes, it ocurrs to me how all I've been through has caused me to look for any hint of a possibility that someone could hurt me. I was looking at this all wrong. Thank you so much for perspective everyone.
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Old 17th February 2011, 1:02 AM   #15
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I haven't read any of the other comments yet, so if I repeat myself, I apologize.

Honestly, I'd run. Maybe the fact that his (x)W's name is the same name as your xMM's wife IS a cosmic warning. I do tend to read into things like that.

Even without the "cosmic warning" this new guy sounds like he's still entangled with the woman who was his wife. He's probably still sleeping with her on and off and would likely continue to do that if you two were to date. For some reason, he's hung up on her and she has pull with him.
Even though they are divorced, she's probably still try to throw her weight around as "the mother of his child" (even though the child isn't his ). She'd try and break you two up just to win an invisable power struggle.

You've been through enough. Let this one go. I still wish you the best.
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