How does it get to that point?

[StoneCold]

OK all I have a question thats been confusing the hell out of me...

 

 

How on god's green earth do you set up a relation with a married person? or if your married how do it set this up?

 

Dont get me wrong... I'm not questioning it from a "moral" ( i hate that word) standpoint....as

 

A) "right" and "wrong" to me are varying shades of grey once you get the whole story... and

 

B) I'm sure I can handle one and actually wouldnt mind one with the right person.

 

But

 

Its not like I can go around saying "hey I'm married and am looking to screw around on my wife". That wont go so well; even if I have a damn good reason it wont play out well. Fact is if you want your affair to work you cant lie about your situation as it will blow up in your face. You have to be upfront that you are married and that being the case, as a married person I cant throw myself at or hit on people as I don't want it to blow up in my face (which is very very likely).

 

And on the other side of it as a person going after the married person...what do you say to them? Because they are going to be defensive of obvious reasons. As a married person if someone were pursuing me...in as much as I may want to reciprocate I would be soooo defensive and apprehensive....

 

What if she has a hidden agenda?

What if she tries to blackmail me? (happened to a buddy of mine)

What if she changes her intentions to one that I'm not on board with and becomes a stalker? (happened to another buddy)

What if shes careless?

or what if shes dumber than a barn door and makes some stupid moves? (happened to my dad lol)

 

These are the things that would be going through my mind as a married person....she'll probably just give up and move on lol

 

 

 

 

so how do you do it?

Edited February 1, 2011 by StoneCold

[half_ofa_heart]

I am HARDLY the expert in the subject matter but I can tell you how it happened to me...

 

First, I am HAPPILY divorced and have been for 7 years, and I have 2 GREAT children. In those 7 years (not an exaggeration) 80% of the men who have approached me were/are married. I was disgusted with each and every one of these advances and made sure they knew how I felt... except for this one. This one did not start out as an advance by any stretch. We work together but our company is soooo big that we never crossed paths; he's in a completely different line of work than I am.

 

We were both very involved with our kids activities and that is how we met. We both ended up running our kids' activitiy and it was here that we got to know each other and find out that we worked for the same company.

 

We became VERY VERY good friends. We talked about everything, including the problems he was having with his W (someone I had never met at this point). Because I too was once a wife, I sympathized with some of what he said she was feeling and tried to explain it to him. Several weeks/months had passed by the time he made his first advance towards me. I told him no and hoped I didn't give him the impression that I would EVER do anything like that. He apologized and even though I had been fighting those same feelings, I stood my ground... for as long as I could.

 

I guess I was lonely and was feeling particularly vulnerable on a day that we met for lunch at work. He was feeling emasculated by a recent huge argument he had with his wife the night before. He was angry and sad and by this time we would speak on the phone or by email every day. So, when I met him for lunch and I calmed him down, it happened - it turned into a full on PA.

 

I've been struggling for almost 2 years now to end it unsuccessfully. I am now a firm believer that most heterosexuals cannot just be friends with the opposite sex. Like Harry said in when harry met sally "men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way".

 

I am in love with him now and believe he loves me but he loves himself more than both me and his W so it is up to me to figure out when enough is enough and break it off for good. I'm not strong enough yet but hope to be soon.

 

My 2 cents... don't ever ever ever do it. The pain involved is one that you have never imagined and wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

[BB07]

Half a heart explained it well. It's not one big jump off the bridge for most people. It's one little step here and one little step there and before you know it, you are already on the bridge with half of you hanging off. You then choose to either climb your ass back up on level ground or you let yourself fall all the way in. And..........if you go, down in the water you go. It's murky and oh so muddy, it's the muddiest water you'll ever know and it's very hard to climb out of again because that damn mud wants to suck you on down...........but you can claw your way out if you want to.

 

Of course there are some who like the muddy water and say that they can see fine........but not me, I don't like water at all.

[TigerCub]

I was single.

I would never go out on the hunt for a married man - I always thought 'you made your bed, be miserable in it' if any of them ever hit on me.

 

As for my xMM (well he's not really married either - but has a very long term gf), they were broken up at the time we got to know each other.

 

After feelings developed, he went back "for the kids" - but honestly I now have great doubts on if he was ever broken up with her...

point is, at that point, I thought I was in love with him, and he with me...it dragged on for a bit, but a lack of trust and an incredible amount of guilt pushed me to end it - I knew it was wrong, and I knew it wasn't fair to her or those kids he likes to play the martyr for:rolleyes: and I left to find something better.

 

1 time HUGE mistake (stupidest things I've allowed myself to do) - I've certainly learned my lesson and WILL NEVER do it again.

[bobdole]

I'm currently the OM to a MW. We dated in highschool and always had great sparks. 10 years later shes married with a child, husband deployed over in EU somewhere, and does not do well when alone. She was visiting where I live and her and friend came by to say hi and catch up. It got late around 1am and we ended up getting closer and closer. I had my hand up her neck in her hair kind of scratching her head and she was kind of squirming pleasantly beside me when she had to get going. The friend and her invited me up to stay with them for a week and I knew what would happen - and it did, pretty quickly. So there's my story of "how".