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After the affair are "normal relationships boring?


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It would seem that after an affair , a normal relationship would be boring. No more drama, no more competing, no more adreneline of longing, no more stolen moments that make tme together seem so much more precious, no more waiting for MM/MW to secretly phone you.No more seeing the OP at their physical best.

 

When you are able to have an everyday normal relationship where there is morning breath, getting together with friends ands family you may not like,spending as much time together etc. Does it make you long for the unpredictability of affair love?

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jennie-jennie

LOL My relationship with my MM is much more predictable than my prior relationship with the father of my children. It amazes me what an incorrect picture many BSs and others have of extramarital relationships. The OP is a prime example of that.

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I come from a family and culture where infidelity is pretty much the norm. I have seen way too much heartache to think anything good can come out of it. My father had a daughter with one of his affair partners. She married and also had an affair and my nephew, her son a child of her affair partner. Can we say repetition compulsion?

 

MY FATHER and his brother are products of an affair or as they would say back in the day(bastards). I think that label made my father the horrible person he is today.Selfish and entitled. No, affairs eventually hurt a lot of people.

 

He never wanted to sacrifice anything for the "love of his life" I do not know how many soulmates my father had. Perhaps 3. He fell in love with all of his affair partners. I think he was more in love with the idea of the "romance" the drama that goes along with the affair.My mother has found letters. Who knew how romantic a man who calls his kids names and beats them could be.

 

Who knew that a man who buys his "soulmate flowers and clothes and takes her on trips has never even given any of his children a birthday present. That same man's kids were wearing hand me downs from the Salvation army. While he strutted around with new suits and manicured fingernails.

 

Sure he bragged that my older sisters both had full scholarships to IVY league schools. I could not concentrate on school. Always daydreaming I had a normal family.A nice normal father. So I was the one he couldn't brag about to his affair partners about what a great dad he was and how smart his kids were because he made sure they did well in school. What BS! My mother is the one responsible.

 

But he was proud of one thing about me. My looks which I ironically got from my mother. He would introduce me to women(none which could hold a candle to my mother), I later found out were "his women at the time". Would grin from ear to ear to hear the women tell his what a beautiful girl I was. Yes, he took the praise,acted like it was his due. I'm sure all the women believed he was "all that"!But none of the praise was his to take.

 

My other sister(full blood) has had 4 husbands and 4 affairs. She married affair #2. They both ended up cheating on each other after they gave up their families for love.

 

This is just my family. I know other affairs also. There is damage everywhere.

 

My father tries to pretend my mother is this horrible person. I'm sure everyone of his mistresses would believe him. He treated everyone outside of his family very well. His wife and kids like trash. I used to wish my mother let my father go,so at least one of his mistresses would get what she deserved. HIM!

 

The mistress always thinks they are soulmates. That this man is a good man. But a good man does what is right. He stops cheating,divorces his wife, takes care of his kids and puts a RING of the finger of the woman he really loves.

He provides her with a home,love,security. No hiding.

 

Are you really happy with your position? If something happens to your MM does the hospital call you? No they will call his wife. You are put in the position of being hidden. Not putting you down but ,how can you live this way?

 

I wish my mother had been strong enough to let my father go. His toxic behavior ended up affecting and poisoning all of us. I'm sure his mistresses could care less. why should she care that she is helping destroy his kids too. In her head if it was'nt her, it would be someone else.

 

But my father also is a coward. I wish he would have left with any of his OW. I really do. I can never understand anyone who says they stay together for sake of kids. What a bunch of crock. For financial reason? Another bunch of crock. You can always find ways to make more money.

 

What is your MM's excuse for not being a stand up guy and putting a ring on your finger? Don't you deserve a man you do not have to share on Holidays or special occasions?

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I come from a family and culture where infidelity is pretty much the norm. I have seen way too much heartache to think anything good can come out of it. My father had a daughter with one of his affair partners. She married and also had an affair and my nephew, her son a child of her affair partner. Can we say repetition compulsion?

 

MY FATHER and his brother are products of an affair or as they would say back in the day(bastards). I think that label made my father the horrible person he is today.Selfish and entitled. No, affairs eventually hurt a lot of people.

 

He never wanted to sacrifice anything for the "love of his life" I do not know how many soulmates my father had. Perhaps 3. He fell in love with all of his affair partners. I think he was more in love with the idea of the "romance" the drama that goes along with the affair.My mother has found letters. Who knew how romantic a man who calls his kids names and beats them could be.

 

Who knew that a man who buys his "soulmate flowers and clothes and takes her on trips has never even given any of his children a birthday present. That same man's kids were wearing hand me downs from the Salvation army. While he strutted around with new suits and manicured fingernails.

 

Sure he bragged that my older sisters both had full scholarships to IVY league schools. I could not concentrate on school. Always daydreaming I had a normal family.A nice normal father. So I was the one he couldn't brag about to his affair partners about what a great dad he was and how smart his kids were because he made sure they did well in school. What BS! My mother is the one responsible.

 

But he was proud of one thing about me. My looks which I ironically got from my mother. He would introduce me to women(none which could hold a candle to my mother), I later found out were "his women at the time". Would grin from ear to ear to hear the women tell his what a beautiful girl I was. Yes, he took the praise,acted like it was his due. I'm sure all the women believed he was "all that"!But none of the praise was his to take.

 

My other sister(full blood) has had 4 husbands and 4 affairs. She married affair #2. They both ended up cheating on each other after they gave up their families for love.

 

This is just my family. I know other affairs also. There is damage everywhere.

 

My father tries to pretend my mother is this horrible person. I'm sure everyone of his mistresses would believe him. He treated everyone outside of his family very well. His wife and kids like trash. I used to wish my mother let my father go,so at least one of his mistresses would get what she deserved. HIM!

 

The mistress always thinks they are soulmates. That this man is a good man. But a good man does what is right. He stops cheating,divorces his wife, takes care of his kids and puts a RING of the finger of the woman he really loves.

He provides her with a home,love,security. No hiding.

 

Are you really happy with your position? If something happens to your MM does the hospital call you? No they will call his wife. You are put in the position of being hidden. Not putting you down but ,how can you live this way?

 

I wish my mother had been strong enough to let my father go. His toxic behavior ended up affecting and poisoning all of us. I'm sure his mistresses could care less. why should she care that she is helping destroy his kids too. In her head if it was'nt her, it would be someone else.

 

But my father also is a coward. I wish he would have left with any of his OW. I really do. I can never understand anyone who says they stay together for sake of kids. What a bunch of crock. For financial reason? Another bunch of crock. You can always find ways to make more money.

 

What is your MM's excuse for not being a stand up guy and putting a ring on your finger? Don't you deserve a man you do not have to share on Holidays or special occasions?

if any post has hit me like a sledge hammer its this one

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jennie-jennie
I come from a family and culture where infidelity is pretty much the norm. I have seen way too much heartache to think anything good can come out of it. My father had a daughter with one of his affair partners. She married and also had an affair and my nephew, her son a child of her affair partner. Can we say repetition compulsion?

 

MY FATHER and his brother are products of an affair or as they would say back in the day(bastards). I think that label made my father the horrible person he is today.Selfish and entitled. No, affairs eventually hurt a lot of people.

 

He never wanted to sacrifice anything for the "love of his life" I do not know how many soulmates my father had. Perhaps 3. He fell in love with all of his affair partners. I think he was more in love with the idea of the "romance" the drama that goes along with the affair.My mother has found letters. Who knew how romantic a man who calls his kids names and beats them could be.

 

Who knew that a man who buys his "soulmate flowers and clothes and takes her on trips has never even given any of his children a birthday present. That same man's kids were wearing hand me downs from the Salvation army. While he strutted around with new suits and manicured fingernails.

 

Sure he bragged that my older sisters both had full scholarships to IVY league schools. I could not concentrate on school. Always daydreaming I had a normal family.A nice normal father. So I was the one he couldn't brag about to his affair partners about what a great dad he was and how smart his kids were because he made sure they did well in school. What BS! My mother is the one responsible.

 

But he was proud of one thing about me. My looks which I ironically got from my mother. He would introduce me to women(none which could hold a candle to my mother), I later found out were "his women at the time". Would grin from ear to ear to hear the women tell his what a beautiful girl I was. Yes, he took the praise,acted like it was his due. I'm sure all the women believed he was "all that"!But none of the praise was his to take.

 

My other sister(full blood) has had 4 husbands and 4 affairs. She married affair #2. They both ended up cheating on each other after they gave up their families for love.

 

This is just my family. I know other affairs also. There is damage everywhere.

 

My father tries to pretend my mother is this horrible person. I'm sure everyone of his mistresses would believe him. He treated everyone outside of his family very well. His wife and kids like trash. I used to wish my mother let my father go,so at least one of his mistresses would get what she deserved. HIM!

 

The mistress always thinks they are soulmates. That this man is a good man. But a good man does what is right. He stops cheating,divorces his wife, takes care of his kids and puts a RING of the finger of the woman he really loves.

He provides her with a home,love,security. No hiding.

 

Are you really happy with your position? If something happens to your MM does the hospital call you? No they will call his wife. You are put in the position of being hidden. Not putting you down but ,how can you live this way?

 

I wish my mother had been strong enough to let my father go. His toxic behavior ended up affecting and poisoning all of us. I'm sure his mistresses could care less. why should she care that she is helping destroy his kids too. In her head if it was'nt her, it would be someone else.

 

But my father also is a coward. I wish he would have left with any of his OW. I really do. I can never understand anyone who says they stay together for sake of kids. What a bunch of crock. For financial reason? Another bunch of crock. You can always find ways to make more money.

 

What is your MM's excuse for not being a stand up guy and putting a ring on your finger? Don't you deserve a man you do not have to share on Holidays or special occasions?

 

Sorry you had a bad childhood. I did too. That's why I am so happy I have such a wonderful man today.

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if any post has hit me like a sledge hammer its this one

 

 

Glad you stuck around Tigers:)

 

OP, all I can say is I hope you heal. This is the second thread you've started...may I ask the purpose?

 

It sounds like there is much anger for your father, yet the target seems to be OW....I just hope you heal:)

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Wow hon, you've been through quite a lot. I'm not sure what I can offer you except my perspective.

 

No matter what happened to you, you can rise above it. You owe it to yourself to do so. I'm not sure what brought you here to LS, and it's not my business, but I fear that you may be susceptible to letting your past dictate your present.

 

It doesn't have to. You are your own person. You have your own things to offer the world. If you need help (not saying you do!) coming to terms with your past, please seek that help so that it doesn't tarnish your future. You seem smart, and you can see the mistakes your sister is making. You know not to make those mistakes. You can have a healthy fulfilling life despite what you and your family have experienced. Look forward, not back.

 

So to answer your question- NO. My marriage is the most fulfilling, rewarding, exciting relationship I've ever been in. Morning breath, electric bills and all.

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Glad you stuck around Tigers:)

 

OP, all I can say is I hope you heal. This is the second thread you've started...may I ask the purpose?

 

It sounds like there is much anger for your father, yet the target seems to be OW....I just hope you heal:)

 

 

I am upset because so many people act as though the OM/OW is doing nothing wrong. I am saying there is destruction to the kids too. My father never really had a father. The shame of his mother's affair stayed with him. My grandmother was the OW. Am I angry at her? No, she did not know any better.But these days people understand the psychological impact it has on kids and family and still do it.

 

My step-sister who had an affair while she was married pretended it was her husband's child till her husband got a DNA. They divorced. That fact nearly destroyed the child's grandmother from what I heard. She lost her first grandson. My step-sister opted not to tell my nephew anything about this. He did not find out till he was nearly 10, the man he thought was his father is not.

So my stepsister the OW and the MOW. Again destruction.

 

My oldest sister,married 4X. Cheated everytime. My middle sister does not even bother to speak with her anymore because she thinks my sister is a selfish B*tch. She left her son with husband #1 to marry husband #2.Destruction there too.

 

I do need to heal. But I keep seeing so many of my family menbers messing up. I wonder what is wrong with them when they cannot see the destruction caused by this behavior.

 

I was so ashamed of my father's affairs. As I said children do know.

 

My mother had a best friend who I loved more than an aunt. She and her husband had no children. Her husband was amzingly good to us.One day she just up and never came to the house again. Her husband and her got a divorce. It was not until years later I found out she too was having an affair with my father. Her husband could not handle it.

 

I have other stories from my immediete family. EVERY single one sad. The common denominator,I really cannot say about AP. But every single MM/MW I know having an affair was the one I would bet on. had a selfish entitled personality.

 

Perhaps their affair partner is a warm loving person as takers always attract givers. So the single AP is probably not so bad. Just looking for love and finding MM/MW offers tons of romance and fantasy and falls for that. But MM/MW rarely offer reality.

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Wow hon, you've been through quite a lot. I'm not sure what I can offer you except my perspective.

 

No matter what happened to you, you can rise above it. You owe it to yourself to do so. I'm not sure what brought you here to LS, and it's not my business, but I fear that you may be susceptible to letting your past dictate your present.

 

It doesn't have to. You are your own person. You have your own things to offer the world. If you need help (not saying you do!) coming to terms with your past, please seek that help so that it doesn't tarnish your future. You seem smart, and you can see the mistakes your sister is making. You know not to make those mistakes. You can have a healthy fulfilling life despite what you and your family have experienced. Look forward, not back.

 

So to answer your question- NO. My marriage is the most fulfilling, rewarding, exciting relationship I've ever been in. Morning breath, electric bills and all.

 

 

Thank you all for your concern. I am seeing a therapist. I have a hard time trusting people even if I want so badly to.I wish to God my mother had left my father. Or at least my father had the guts to leave for OW when we were small.

 

I know my sister's affairs and my inability to trust come from seeing what he did. Seeing how it destroyed my mother. Kids do not need to be subjected to that.

 

There is no reason on Earth not to divorce if you are not happy. Why drag the kids into it and pretend you stay for them?

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bentnotbroken

Your posts made me cry. I am happier than ever with my decision. Thank you for posting this and I pray you find some peace. There really are good people out there. Don't close yourself off completely.

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Sorry you had a bad childhood. I did too. That's why I am so happy I have such a wonderful man today.

 

 

Why can't your MM divorce and marry you? I am having a difficult time understanding this. What are his reasons? If you both love each other so much no obstacles can be too great. Please do not say it's for the kids.

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I am saying there is destruction to the kids too.

 

JL, I'm sorry As ruined your childhood. I guess it just goes to show how different effects can be - an A brought some light to mine. But then, my father was not a serial philanderer. He M a woman who was completely wrong for him, and lived in penury, "staying for the kids". He was clinically depressed the entire time, withdrawn and unavailable to us kids, and lived in a state of permanent warfare with my mother. When he fell in love with an OW, he changed radically. He became happy, loving, accessible and caring. We got a father for the first time. I am only sorry he had not found her earlier. And, like you, I wish he had been able to escape the mentality of "staying for the kids" and had left for her when he met her, rather than waiting until we were all grown before doing so. We would have had a shot at having at least one happy home if he had.

 

The mistress always thinks they are soulmates. That this man is a good man. But a good man does what is right. He stops cheating,divorces his wife, takes care of his kids and puts a RING of the finger of the woman he really loves.

He provides her with a home,love,security. No hiding.

 

Some of them do. My father did once the kids were grown. My H did. Not all As go on in perpetuity.

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It would seem that after an affair , a normal relationship would be boring. No more drama, no more competing, no more adreneline of longing, no more stolen moments that make tme together seem so much more precious, no more waiting for MM/MW to secretly phone you.No more seeing the OP at their physical best.

 

When you are able to have an everyday normal relationship where there is morning breath, getting together with friends ands family you may not like,spending as much time together etc. Does it make you long for the unpredictability of affair love?

 

TBH, our "post A R", and our M, have both been very like the A. There has been no qualitative difference. The "morning breath" issue doesn't start with a D, it starts with staying together for any period of time. Many As have this. The getting together with family and friends - there are none I don't like, and of course I got to know them all during the A, as he did mine. Spending time together - living together 24X7, including sometimes working together, works very well for us. So no, not remotely boring.

 

Not that the A was unpredictable - at least, not for me. It may have been for him, since I was the one calling the shots and he was the one who needed to make the plans to fit in with my timetable. I'm sure he's pretty relieved that that aspect is over! :laugh:

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Hi jlola,

 

Your posts sound very familiar, meaning they sounded as if to target a specific type or specific poster...a reincarnation of a current poster which happens a lot on this board for the specific purpose of creating hate.

 

In answer to the OP ExDM was extremely predictable and I was the shot caller. It was after he entered into his D that things got weird, so due to the fact that I dislike drama (which is a word that get thrown around quite a bit) I began to cut off the R. It's been difficult, but I am getting better fast. I was very closed off, and of course there are still days that are more depressing than others, still it is better.

 

Families can be dysfunctional, in fact most are...some worse than others. It almost sounds like you are so caught up in your families issues that you are unable to live your own life.

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Glad you stuck around Tigers:)

 

OP, all I can say is I hope you heal. This is the second thread you've started...may I ask the purpose?

 

It sounds like there is much anger for your father, yet the target seems to be OW....I just hope you heal:)

 

Pure, I would guess that the purpose of the thread is to express the pain this poster has endured, to speak her truth, to let others know what pain has been created in her life by A's, and to receive support and discussion. Perhaps she hopes her post will show readers here another side of the reality of an A - a child's POV. I would guess that in her childhood, she had no voice. Here, she does. She can speak her truth in a safe environment, where she can be heard and hopefully, supported.

 

I think a more supportive question than "what is the purpose of your thread?" would be "what can we do to help you today?" Or perhaps simply, "Thank you for sharing your truth."

 

I can understand the anger at the father and the OW. If, as a child, you and your mother suffered physical abuse, neglect and heartache from your father while you watched him lavish gifts, money, attention and affection on his OW, hell yeah, don't you think that child would hate the OW? I think that would be pretty natural. This was a child, after all, a child who wanted to be loved and accepted, who wanted the attention and affection of her father, who wanted her mother to be loved, but instead had to watch while her father lavished everything she wanted and NEEDED as a child, on another woman.

 

I remember when I caught my husband in one of his affairs, he was seeing a black woman. I hated her for having an A with my H, but was shocked to realize that suddenly I also HATED ALL black women. I knew it was irrational, but I did. Just the sight of a black woman made me hate her because she was black. Totally irrational. (and I knew it was while I was hating them.) I hated myself for being mulatto, and I hated them for being full while I be mingledy. And then, when I found out he with a white woman, too, I hated all white women! I could hardly stand to go to church, cause there was black women and there was white women. And I'm sitting all up in church where we supposed to love everybody, and I hating everybody cos their skin a few shades off from mine! I guess I was an unbiased (or fully-biased) hater! This is the truth. Irrational. Prejudiced. Unfair. I was an adult, but I guess the trauma and abuse of the affairs brought out this irrational hatred in me. (I got over it after a few months.) Imagine what it would do to a kid! A kid who is being beaten and called names, and hungry and doing without, while the OW is treated like princess. Yeah, I can understand why, as an adult, she would want to tell us what it's like for the kid.

 

JLo, I'm sorry for what you went through, and I am glad you shared your story with us. ((((((((hugs))))))))

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FOG, thank you so much for suggesting how I should post, although I post the way I choose to, and will continue to do so.

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jennie-jennie
Why can't your MM divorce and marry you? I am having a difficult time understanding this. What are his reasons? If you both love each other so much no obstacles can be too great. Please do not say it's for the kids.

 

This was very difficult for me to understand as well. My MM is such a good man. I spent a long time trying to understand. Finally I came upon Emily Brown's books "Affairs" and "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment", where she describes the Split Self affair. It described my MM to a T.

 

It is the man "addicted" to doing the right thing, so much that he has lost contact with his emotional self. When he meets the OW, he regains contact with his emotional self, yet he remains torn between the two parts of himself. He needs to join them and choose his own path.

 

For this he needs IC, years of IC. Unfortunately these men generally believe they can fix the problem themselves.

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FOG, thank you so much for suggesting how I should post, although I post the way I choose to, and will continue to do so.

 

No offense intended, Pure, and certainly not trying to tell anyone how to post. Your response just suprised me, you're usually so supportive of people who have been through abuse, such as this poster has, and I didn't get that tone from your post.

 

But then after I posted, I read the rest of the thread - which I should always do before posting, but I be up all night doing paperwork and just signed on to decompress a little and posted without reading the rest of the thread, including the part where you wonder if she's a fake poster. I suppose that's possible.

 

But her story certainly is true. In my community of origin, there was exactly what she described and it happened A LOT. More often than not, to tell the truth. Her story could belong to any number of the kids where I grew up. In fact, she one of the lucky ones because she had a good mother. Lots of my friends grew up with grandma, or auntie, or great-grandma, or the kind-hearted woman across the road, because Mama took up with some man, too. If it hadn't been for the woman across the highway from us, I don't know what would have become of me.

 

So whether she's "for real" or not, doesn't matter to me. I know first-hand that her story is more real than anyone might want to think about. And what if she is for real? How hurtful and offensive to tell someone they aren't real and their story isn't valid.

 

But I can vouch that the story is valid. I saw it every day growing up.

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jlola, I'm sorry to hear about how infidelity affected your childhood. I'm sensitive to the impact of infidelity on children and have to bite my tongue (or fingers) when I read a post of MW/MM with children because posting "wake up and think of your children, rather than pining over some OW/OM" is unlikely to do any good. Most WS seem to think they are being good parents, although with the time taken away and the distraction on their mind even when they are there, it is difficult to believe that their children are not missing out on having the parent they deserve. Affairs are selfish acts, and the WS is mainly thinking of him/herself, not the spouse and not the children.

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I come from a family and culture where infidelity is pretty much the norm.

 

Am I correct in guessing that this is the Hispanic culture? If so, which country?

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MorningCoffee

To answer the original question, after the affair I look forward to and will LOVE to have a normal relationship!

 

To have someone with whom, to the extent appropriate to the stage of the relationship, I can be with, talk to, share with, get to know, rely on, make love with?

 

That'll not be the slightest bit boring. It'll be deeply satisfying.

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To answer the original question, after the affair I look forward to and will LOVE to have a normal relationship!

 

To have someone with whom, to the extent appropriate to the stage of the relationship, I can be with, talk to, share with, get to know, rely on, make love with?

 

That'll not be the slightest bit boring. It'll be deeply satisfying.

 

Agree. Right there with you, MC. ;)

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half_ofa_heart

Perhaps their affair partner is a warm loving person as takers always attract givers. So the single AP is probably not so bad. Just looking for love and finding MM/MW offers tons of romance and fantasy and falls for that. But MM/MW rarely offer reality.

 

This is sooooo very true! I am, sad to say, the OW. Am in the middle of NC for about 3 weeks; trying for what hopefully is the LAST time to end this A once and for all. LS has helped in showing me the destruction that an A causes to everyone involved (as if all the pain I have suffered wasn't enough).

 

With each day, I am seeing every single selfish thing he has done and continues to do. I am and always have been very giving - to a fault! He has taken so much that I've lost sight of who I am. I kept putting his needs ahead of my own and he kept ignoring my needs and continues to do so.

 

Sometimes hearing from BS's is hurtful but necessary. I never entered into this thinking I would or could hurt anyone and my guilty conscious would always get the better of me and I would "attempt" to end it - only to have him convince me that his marriage was a mess and that he was only staying in it until his baby was old enough. As soon as I would let him back into my life, miraculously, his marriage was getting better all of a sudden. I am now realizing that I was the validation he needed and was no longer getting from his W. Not blaming her one bit - they've been together for 20+ years and like most marriages - people can get complacent.

 

INSIGHTFUL POST!

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It would seem that after an affair , a normal relationship would be boring. No more drama, no more competing, no more adreneline of longing, no more stolen moments that make tme together seem so much more precious, no more waiting for MM/MW to secretly phone you.No more seeing the OP at their physical best.

 

When you are able to have an everyday normal relationship where there is morning breath, getting together with friends ands family you may not like,spending as much time together etc. Does it make you long for the unpredictability of affair love?

 

If a normal relationship is boring, then please, give me some boring! The longing, the stolen moments, the secret phone calls – NO THANK YOU. xMM moved out for six months and even THAT didn't feel all that normal and healthy as he was in a state most of that time! Do I miss the flipping and flopping, or the painful realisation that perhaps I was just a crutch to him during this time of turmoil? That he needed validation as much as I did? That i was not strong enough, or did not love myself enough to say no? Do I miss any of that? NO WAY!

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