Sit back and enjoy the show

[TigerCub]

I'm in a completely different place regarding xMM.

After we had our fight we were NC for about a month, then we ended up talking and we're "friends" again.

 

But that month really gave me so much clarity on the whole situation.

I feel like I see him for what he really is.

 

We ended up fooling around once more after we made up - but it didn't feel the same at all!!

It was good - but...

I didn't feel that connection

I didn't feel that LOVE.

 

And without that - there really is no justification (for me at least) to be fooling around with an attached man.

 

But he still tries - he still tries to sweet talk me when he's bored(?) or lonely(?)

 

but now because of that change of perspective, I just see it for what it is - an act.

 

So now, I just sit back, smile and enjoy the show.

 

It's so DONE on my part.

No more makeouts, no more professing love

none of that!!

 

I just see him putting on a show and it really cheapens the whole thing. It just looks so pathetic.

 

I don't know who else came to that moment of clarity - but WOW, it really changes how one sees everything a MM does.

[Confused4Now]

I'm in a completely different place regarding xMM.

After we had our fight we were NC for about a month, then we ended up talking and we're "friends" again.

 

But that month really gave me so much clarity on the whole situation.

I feel like I see him for what he really is.

 

We ended up fooling around once more after we made up - but it didn't feel the same at all!!

It was good - but...

I didn't feel that connection

I didn't feel that LOVE.

 

And without that - there really is no justification (for me at least) to be fooling around with an attached man.

 

But he still tries - he still tries to sweet talk me when he's bored(?) or lonely(?)

but now because of that change of perspective, I just see it for what it is - an act.

 

So now, I just sit back, smile and enjoy the show.

 

It's so DONE on my part.

No more make outs, no more professing love

none of that!!

 

I just see him putting on a show and it really cheapens the whole thing. It just looks so pathetic.

I don't know who else came to that moment of clarity - but WOW, it really changes how one sees everything a MM does.

This is exactly my feelings on the situation with my xMW.....only thing is I don't even care to be her friend. I mean WHY?

[TigerCub]

This is exactly my feelings on the situation with my xMW.....only thing is I don't even care to be her friend. I mean WHY?

 

Its so weird though when you see things in such a different light!

I totally get what you mean about no point in being friends.

We work in the same building (we don't work together) but we see each other often enough - so that's why we're friends - but I put "friends" in quotes before because we're not REAL friends, just pleasant enough with each other - that's totally fine by me.

 

I just find it amusing to see things that he does from a completely new perspective.

[desertIslandCactus]

I'm in a completely different place regarding xMM.

After we had our fight we were NC for about a month, then we ended up talking and we're "friends" again.

 

But that month really gave me so much clarity on the whole situation.

I feel like I see him for what he really is.

 

We ended up fooling around once more after we made up - but it didn't feel the same at all!!

It was good - but...

I didn't feel that connection

I didn't feel that LOVE.

 

And without that - there really is no justification (for me at least) to be fooling around with an attached man.

 

But he still tries - he still tries to sweet talk me when he's bored(?) or lonely(?)

 

but now because of that change of perspective, I just see it for what it is - an act.

 

So now, I just sit back, smile and enjoy the show.

 

It's so DONE on my part.

No more makeouts, no more professing love

none of that!!

 

I just see him putting on a show and it really cheapens the whole thing. It just looks so pathetic.

 

I don't know who else came to that moment of clarity - but WOW, it really changes how one sees everything a MM does.

 

Good for you TC.

 

I think backing away does bring clarity .. and shows things for what they weren't ..

[Star_Bright]

Hi TigerCub,

 

I feel like I'm in the same place you are except xMM and I aren't "friends." What I mean is, at a certain point even after our relationship continued I literally felt myself falling out of love with him and losing respect for him. How could a man who truly loved me have lied to me and lie to his wife about me? I didn't want a man like that! Plus as you know I had other issues with xMM including his extreme jealousy and controlling tendencies that made it a lot easier to see his true nature and get out. But for time I was still holding onto him and wanting to be with him because of our history and the love I once felt. But it wasn't lasting, it was slipping away. And now when he contacts me I feel he is almost pathetic- trying to sweet-talk me into something I'm too smart for now. I don't waste time talking to him but sometimes I want to say, if you cheated on your wife, you'll cheat on me in time (not to mention mine cheated on his first wife with his then-became-second wife). If you lie to her, you'll lie to me, oh wait a minute, you *have* lied to me! Why do I want you? You know what, I don't!!

 

It does feel good to feel that way after at one time feeling like I was totally under his control and powerless as to my overwhelming emotions for him. So I totally get where you're coming from! I'm glad you're doing well.

[TigerCub]

Good for you TC.

 

I think backing away does bring clarity .. and shows things for what they weren't ..

 

Thanks DIC

Yeah stepping away definitely shows things for what they weren't.

[TigerCub]

Hi TigerCub,

 

But for time I was still holding onto him and wanting to be with him because of our history and the love I once felt. But it wasn't lasting, it was slipping away. And now when he contacts me I feel he is almost pathetic- trying to sweet-talk me into something I'm too smart for now.

 

I totally understand what you mean.

I held onto him and put up with so much sadness because of him because of that love that I felt, because our connection and chemistry was like nothing I've felt before.

But what good was it if it brought more pain than happiness?

 

As far are being too smart for his antics now - I'm so glad you're there, and that was exactly it for me.

 

This last Saturday night, I got a text from him that was saying "I miss you sooooooooooo much, I wish you were here"

and that text would have melted my heart before, but this time all it did was make me smirk and think "oooh, someone's tryina butter me up in hopes that the coming work week will bring some adventure for them!"

 

I knew at that moment that everything has really changed for me.

 

It does feel good to feel that way after at one time feeling like I was totally under his control and powerless as to my overwhelming emotions for him. So I totally get where you're coming from! I'm glad you're doing well.

I totally get that!!

Its freeing to just see things as they really are and to not care.

I'm so glad that I've stopped crying over him and hurting so much and just wishing that we could be together.

[steelknife]

tigercub

i hope you leave/back out/go NC while feeling is there. i tell you. it will come back if you allow it and keep hanging out wiht him..

leave. now. while youre at an advantage. all your feelings wil come back if you let it. walk away.

[Confused4Now]

This last Saturday night, I got a text from him that was saying "I miss you sooooooooooo much, I wish you were here" and that text would have melted my heart before, but this time all it did was make me smirk and think "oooh, someone's tryina butter me up in hopes that the coming work week will bring some adventure for them!"

 

I knew at that moment that everything has really changed for me.

 

I totally get that!! Its freeing to just see things as they really are and to not care. I'm so glad that I've stopped crying over him and hurting so much and just wishing that we could be together.

Yeah if I could get a dollar for every I miss you's and I love you's..I'd honestly feel like a lottery winner. It means nothing just words.....you almost feel sorry for them but at the same time....I'd feel if there was another person there they'd work on them for their pity party. I just chose not to be a part of it after 5 years.

 

I don't even want to watch the show anymore either......:sick:

[newpriorities]

Its so weird though when you see things in such a different light!

I totally get what you mean about no point in being friends.

We work in the same building (we don't work together) but we see each other often enough - so that's why we're friends - but I put "friends" in quotes before because we're not REAL friends, just pleasant enough with each other - that's totally fine by me.

 

I just find it amusing to see things that he does from a completely new perspective.

 

I can so relate to your experience! Technically I went NC over one week ago, but, like you we work together. Actually we work very closely together and suprisingly I to am viewing him through a completely new lense. It is an out-of-body experience sometimes we he comes to talk with me. Yesterday, as he was leaving, he said, "I'll call you" (only b/c W is out of town), and I almost turned around to see who he was talking to!:laugh:. I didn't respond at all, just wished him a pleasant evening. Of course he didn't call, but I wouldn't have answered anyways.

 

I thought I would be curled up in a ball just crying and grieving...who knows, maybe that will come later. But it has been so healing to look at him from an almost "objective" position and to realize, he has not treated, anyone in his life who loves him, well. I hope he finds peace and happiness in or out of his M, as I continue the search for mine!

 

I will be curious to compare notes again down the road!

[TigerCub]

tigercub

i hope you leave/back out/go NC while feeling is there. i tell you. it will come back if you allow it and keep hanging out wiht him..

leave. now. while youre at an advantage. all your feelings wil come back if you let it. walk away.

 

Hey Steeliknife,

 

That's really sound advice!

We don't hang out, its just the random email/text he sends.

But you are absolutely right. I should cut him off more.

I don't initiate any of it, I just watch and smirk, but as you said, the feelings could/will come back and I should cut it out before that happens again.

 

Its definitely something I thought about - maybe right now, I have a false smug feeling that I'm past it, but yeah, it could come back.

 

I'll definitely keep what you said in mind.

 

Thanks

[jthorne]

I'm in a completely different place regarding xMM.

After we had our fight we were NC for about a month, then we ended up talking and we're "friends" again.

 

But that month really gave me so much clarity on the whole situation.

I feel like I see him for what he really is.

 

We ended up fooling around once more after we made up - but it didn't feel the same at all!!

It was good - but...

I didn't feel that connection

I didn't feel that LOVE.

 

And without that - there really is no justification (for me at least) to be fooling around with an attached man.

 

But he still tries - he still tries to sweet talk me when he's bored(?) or lonely(?)

 

but now because of that change of perspective, I just see it for what it is - an act.

 

So now, I just sit back, smile and enjoy the show.

 

It's so DONE on my part.

No more makeouts, no more professing love

none of that!!

 

I just see him putting on a show and it really cheapens the whole thing. It just looks so pathetic.

 

I don't know who else came to that moment of clarity - but WOW, it really changes how one sees everything a MM does.

Well, good for you!

 

What I'm reading here is that you've made a choice. See, it CAN be done! In the beginning, you chose to nurture the relationship you had with MM, and nurture the feeling you had for him. Now, you are choosing NOT to nurture that love.

 

I guess I have to ask why you are sitting back and watching the show at all. You are in a good place to move forward, but also venerable to sliding backwards should you choose to give in to that. Really, what is the point in keeping contact with him? You are in a good place, so I encourage you to move forward with moving forward. Some have even found it quite empowering to tell them to go pound sand, but you do what you want to do. I would however, encourage you to put the kabosh on the makeouts!Just know what the risks are of keeping contact, and take care of yourself!

[TigerCub]

Yeah if I could get a dollar for every I miss you's and I love you's..I'd honestly feel like a lottery winner. It means nothing just words.....you almost feel sorry for them but at the same time....I'd feel if there was another person there they'd work on them for their pity party. I just chose not to be a part of it after 5 years.

 

I don't even want to watch the show anymore either......:sick:

 

Its still very new to me, so the show definitely amuses me, but yeah I can definitely see how the pathetic spectacle would be wear thin over time.

[Hazyhead]

Good news, Tigercub This is a really healthy way to look at him - the fog has lifted, huh? I do know how that feels and it's a feeling that makes it so much easier to just move on with life, learn from it and not look back, an opportunity I think you should make the most of and stop entertaining contact. If it was me I'd let him know that there is no longer a place in my life and it would be best for all concerned if contact was stopped. But then I'm not very good and the middle ground and hanging on to exes as friends. I find life clearer and less complicated that way.

 

Anyways, I'm glad for your new perspective

[TigerCub]

I can so relate to your experience! Technically I went NC over one week ago, but, like you we work together. Actually we work very closely together and suprisingly I to am viewing him through a completely new lense. It is an out-of-body experience sometimes we he comes to talk with me. Yesterday, as he was leaving, he said, "I'll call you" (only b/c W is out of town), and I almost turned around to see who he was talking to!:laugh:.

haha, that's so funny!!

Yeah, like when xMM writes to me during the day and then his last email is always "have a good night sweetie" or "have a good night sexy"

I'm just thinkin "oh I will, because I'm free and I'm getting with whoever I want - what about you? OH Right!! you're going home to change diapers and NOT have sex!!"

HA HA

 

I thought I would be curled up in a ball just crying and grieving...who knows, maybe that will come later. But it has been so healing to look at him from an almost "objective" position and to realize, he has not treated, anyone in his life who loves him, well. I hope he finds peace and happiness in or out of his M, as I continue the search for mine!

 

I will be curious to compare notes again down the road!

 

I'm very happy for you that you are at this point as well. It really is so freeing to see things objectively and not be blinded by the emotions.

[TigerCub]

Well, good for you!

 

What I'm reading here is that you've made a choice. See, it CAN be done! In the beginning, you chose to nurture the relationship you had with MM, and nurture the feeling you had for him. Now, you are choosing NOT to nurture that love.

 

Thanks Jthorne

Its true, I made a choice not to nurture the feelings I've had, but that honestly came about "by accident".

It happened because we were on the outs because of a fight.

I'm glad that it happened, I'm so glad that I had a month without him, and was able to see things clearly - for that I'm really grateful.

 

I guess I have to ask why you are sitting back and watching the show at all. You are in a good place to move forward, but also venerable to sliding backwards should you choose to give in to that.

Its a very valid question.

I think its because the more I see, the less I respect him and the less my desire is to be with him.

I understand the possibility of sliding back, but now everything he does/says just sounds so sketchy, and makes him look so pathetic and sleazy and that's actually helping me in not wanting to be with him.

 

Really, what is the point in keeping contact with him? You are in a good place, so I encourage you to move forward with moving forward. Some have even found it quite empowering to tell them to go pound sand, but you do what you want to do. I would however, encourage you to put the kabosh on the makeouts!Just know what the risks are of keeping contact, and take care of yourself!

I don't initiate any contact with him. He does it, and I reply in a friendly enough way, but I don't flirt with him like I used to.

Things have definitely changed between us.

As far as the makeouts - the one that happened after the fight was the last one, and that was about 2.5 weeks ago.

I KNOW for a fact, that if he tries to kiss me ever again, I will tell him that things have changed and I have no interest in being with an attached man.

But until then, I don't see any point in just bringing the topic up so I can reject him before he does anything.

 

I am starting to see someone (its not serious yet), but its going good, and I KNOW myself, I would never cheat on anyone I commit to, so xMM really isn't an issue.

 

But I am aware that feelings change (just like I see him differently now) - Its possible that something would happen and I would change again, but that's why I'm being careful and I'm not initiating contact, I'm not flirting with him, I don't even see him often - just passing by in the building, that's all.

 

Thanks so much for your support and advice

[TigerCub]

Good news, Tigercub This is a really healthy way to look at him - the fog has lifted, huh? I do know how that feels and it's a feeling that makes it so much easier to just move on with life, learn from it and not look back, an opportunity I think you should make the most of and stop entertaining contact. If it was me I'd let him know that there is no longer a place in my life and it would be best for all concerned if contact was stopped. But then I'm not very good and the middle ground and hanging on to exes as friends. I find life clearer and less complicated that way.

 

Anyways, I'm glad for your new perspective

 

Thanks Hazy

 

Yeah I'm getting a lot of the very smart advice to completely cut him off - the only thing is that I know myself, I know that if I told him that I don't want us to be friends at all, I would end up feeling bad.

I'd feel like I'm abandoning someone who has already been abandoned a lot during his life.

 

And to run into him in the building would be awkward after that, I'd just feel so bad, and I know that I"d end up talking to him to make him feel better.

 

The way I figure it is, if he wants to write to me once in a while, fine, I'm not indulging him with flirting or even initiating contact.

That way, I don't have to feel bad, and nothing goes further.

 

Especially now that everything he says to me sounds so contrived, like he's reading from a MM script.

It just makes me not want him at all.

 

Also since I'm starting to see someone else and I know that I wouldnt cheat on a person if i was committed to them, it all just doesn't seem worth the trouble anymore.

 

I'm very happy that I'm finally free and I'm gonna do my darnest to keep it that way

[siuys]

Congrats, TC. I think it's a great development. I am not where you are yet, but for the first time in a long time, since he's thrown me under the bus again just days ago and then came crawling back so to speak, I feel I have lost a little bit more respect for him. I am starting to feel sorry for him. He flatters me and I felt like saying stop flattering me it's so cheap... so the fog is slowly lifting too. Deep down, I still hope he will come back when he's divorced but I can see that now that I have the distance, and after all what happened, it may not be long until I don't actually want him back anymore. I am getting close to the 'invisible line' where soon indifference will set in...

 

All the best.

[MorningCoffee]

Congrats, TC. I think it's a great development. I am not where you are yet, but for the first time in a long time, since he's thrown me under the bus again just days ago and then came crawling back so to speak, I feel I have lost a little bit more respect for him. I am starting to feel sorry for him. He flatters me and I felt like saying stop flattering me it's so cheap... so the fog is slowly lifting too. Deep down, I still hope he will come back when he's divorced but I can see that now that I have the distance, and after all what happened, it may not be long until I don't actually want him back anymore. I am getting close to the 'invisible line' where soon indifference will set in...

 

All the best.

 

Way to go, TC.

 

And good for you, Suiys. I am encouraged by your reaching a point where you can see your way to indifference soon.

 

Chose not to answer the phone so got a voicemail from ex-AP/MW yesterday. I have chosen not to respond in any way, yet just its existence surprisingly stirred up my emotions for awhile. Clearly I was not as far along towards "over and done" as I'd thought, so reading of your progress definitely helps. Keep it up!

[Silly_Girl]

My initial thought:

 

I guess I have to ask why you are sitting back and watching the show at all.

[whichwayisup]

We ended up fooling around once more after we made up - but it didn't feel the same at all!!

It was good - but...

I didn't feel that connection

I didn't feel that LOVE.

 

You woke up during the NC period, changed without even knowing it.. You now know his poop DOES infact smell and he isn't that heartthrob you once thought he was.

 

And without that - there really is no justification (for me at least) to be fooling around with an attached man.

 

Good for you for seeing this. You deserve better than what he can give and offer you.

 

But he still tries - he still tries to sweet talk me when he's bored(?) or lonely(?)

 

It's called EGO.

[fooled once]

I totally understand what you mean.

I held onto him and put up with so much sadness because of him because of that love that I felt, because our connection and chemistry was like nothing I've felt before.

But what good was it if it brought more pain than happiness?

 

As far are being too smart for his antics now - I'm so glad you're there, and that was exactly it for me.

 

This last Saturday night, I got a text from him that was saying "I miss you sooooooooooo much, I wish you were here"

and that text would have melted my heart before, but this time all it did was make me smirk and think "oooh, someone's tryina butter me up in hopes that the coming work week will bring some adventure for them!"

 

I knew at that moment that everything has really changed for me.

 

 

I totally get that!!

Its freeing to just see things as they really are and to not care.

I'm so glad that I've stopped crying over him and hurting so much and just wishing that we could be together.

 

TC!!!!

 

You have come through it! So proud of you! Isn't it freeing???

 

So glad you are doing well and so proud of you for seeing him for what he really is!

 

Keep going forward! Don't let him sweet talk you into back sliding! Each day you are getting stronger and stronger! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

[TigerCub]

Congrats, TC. I think it's a great development. I am not where you are yet, but for the first time in a long time, since he's thrown me under the bus again just days ago and then came crawling back so to speak, I feel I have lost a little bit more respect for him. I am starting to feel sorry for him. He flatters me and I felt like saying stop flattering me it's so cheap... so the fog is slowly lifting too. Deep down, I still hope he will come back when he's divorced but I can see that now that I have the distance, and after all what happened, it may not be long until I don't actually want him back anymore. I am getting close to the 'invisible line' where soon indifference will set in...

 

All the best.

 

Hey Siuys,

 

I'm glad that you're slowly finding your way past the fog.

I completely understand how hard it is to finally let go. I can't honestly say that I'm 100% there.

But I do know that seeing how seeing their attempts to lure is so pathetic really helps in losing respect for these MMs and then its so much easier to lose the desire to want to get sucked into their miserable world.

 

Its hard, and I hope that we both can one day make it out 100%

 

Good luck to you

[TigerCub]

Way to go, TC.

 

And good for you, Suiys. I am encouraged by your reaching a point where you can see your way to indifference soon.

 

Chose not to answer the phone so got a voicemail from ex-AP/MW yesterday. I have chosen not to respond in any way, yet just its existence surprisingly stirred up my emotions for awhile. Clearly I was not as far along towards "over and done" as I'd thought, so reading of your progress definitely helps. Keep it up!

 

Thanks MorningCoffee

 

It is hard.

I'm still in contact with him, I just don't initiate it, or indulge the flirting, and its only been a short while.

I just think its amazing that once we see the manipulation in what they do, it completely changes things, it changed how I reacted to his texts/emails. Those things used to make my heart skip a beat and put a huge smile on my face, now they make me smirk and roll my eyes

 

Good for you for making the conscience CHOICE to ignore.

I hope that it gets easier with time for you

[TigerCub]

You woke up during the NC period, changed without even knowing it.. You now know his poop DOES infact smell and he isn't that heartthrob you once thought he was.

 

 

 

Good for you for seeing this. You deserve better than what he can give and offer you.

 

 

 

It's called EGO.

 

All so true!!

Thanks for your support