An Update From Me...Very Low And Need Support

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I have not posted on this particular board for a while for fear of being judged and unfair comments made from people who do not know the facts about my story or background info.

 

But right now I am in such a mess and have decided to start a new thread as hopefully the support and good advice will outweigh the negative comments that make me feel worse.

 

Not all of this involves the MM story but hope I can still post on this board as quite a few of you know me on here.

 

OK so I am still with my fiance but he is in Iraq as some of you already know, he went in June '10 and returns in June '11. He is from the US and I am from the UK, plan was for me to immigrate next year to marry him. We have always been long distance having 'met' online in August '10, we have only physically met 4 times in real life.

 

He is a wonderful man but I could not stop thinking about xMM - and with my fiance away I longed for xMM even more so.

 

MM had made recent contact in July this year after 15 months of ignoring me. Then he briefly dropped off the radar again after I told him I am engaged, until a few weeks ago. He randomly called me in October just gone, I welcomed his call due to how I feel right now, bottom line seemed to be that he was going away on business imminently and wanted to know if I would be able to join him. I declined, I would not cheat on my fiance no matter how much I still love xMM. He kept saying that he is still unhappily married but leaving his wife for me is not a decision he was prepared to make over the phone. He wanted to meet me to see if the chemistry was still there, and also said that even I might feel differently if we saw each other again. After turning down his offer, he cut the phone call short and said he had to go - and promised he would call me w/c 25th Oct to arrange an alternative meeting and no call thus far. It never ceases to amaze me how after everything he has done to hurt me, he does it again and just discards me without a second thought about how damaging it is to me.

 

I am extremely depressed right now about all that and other things. I lost my job 2 weeks ago, it was just me working for a woman who ran a small business so it hit me hard that she does not want me any more. I almost lost that same job this time 2 years ago too when the MM stuff was all fresh and I was not even fit to work. But this time it is for real. One of my sisters is being vile to me right now and even excluded me from attending her birthday party yesterday which was like a kick in the head, especially when all the photos were uploaded onto Facebook this evening showing them all having big fun while I sat at home crying. I have barely been out recently, I did not do anything to celebrate Halloween or bonfire night. I seem to just sit/sleep in my room, I don't get dressed and sleep until the afternoon. Really feel that life is passing me by right now but I am just sooooooolethargic from the depression that I cannot pick myself up right now. Comfort eating is also a problem for me right now, and this is awful as I am also too down to even exercise.

 

Re: the men - I love the MM with all my heart and feel such a failure that even getting engaged to a nice man was not enough to move me on from him. Yet MM is unlikely to ever be able to offer me a future, even if he DID ever leave his wife he would probably not want to be with me, he is 22 years my senior with 4 kids who are all under 18 and I can't see him wanting to start a whole new family. My fiance is a lovely person but we are not soul mates and I do not feel that connection with him that I had with MM which is hard to admit but true. Yet my fiance wants to offer me everything I want and need. But the situation would be far from ideal anyway as being with him would have to involve me moving to the States which I am getting cold feet about.

 

Still cannot believe that after all this time I STILL cannot stop loving the MM. I have not seen MM since July '08 and he has made me many hollow promises over the phone between now and then yet never followed through. Is it the lack of closure and very occasional false hope that keep me hooked on him???

 

My poor fiance deserves better than this, yet I cannot discuss any issues with him as we only have IM to communicate with. I have not even been able to tell him about losing my job, I feel more and more distant towards him as each day passes. When I do try to discuss anything other than small talk he is nonchalent and unresponsive. I have looked back at our IM conversations and every one of them is me doing all the talking/asking all the questions and he has no conversation or gives one word answers. So in my defense - I have needs, and not seeing him for a whole year with just scraps of communication is not good enough for me right now. One of the friends I actually DO have has said that he is not surprised I am vulnerable to MM right now as between my fiance and I there is no real relationship.

[jthorne]

Hmm, well, most won't agree, but I think "x" MM contacted you to resume the A, not to see if you had "enough chemistry" for him to leave. There's all kinds of holes that can be found in the chemistry argument, but you decide for yourself what he really meant. Good on you for refusing to meet him while you are committed to someone else.

 

People have said this before, and you weren't open to it. The odds are against you and your fiancé, regardless of your feelings for xMM. Add in those feelings, and it's a recipe for disaster. This man should not be your fallback or a substitute for someone else. IM's are great, but i wouldnt choose a lifelong partner that way. Why do you have to marry him when his tour is completed? Seems like a drastic step. Why not continue to just date if you aren't ready to end it with him? I personally think you should end it with him because you love someone else. However, I realize this is a bad time for you. It's never a good time though. But nothing says that you can't speak to each other. You two have put a great deal of pressure on yourselves by jumping into marriage after seeing each other physically a handful of times.

 

Your xMM is what he is. Married. You can either choose to get over him and work towards putting it behind you or don't.

But your fiancé shouldn't be drug along for the ride.

[fooled once]

I have not posted on this particular board for a while for fear of being judged and unfair comments made from people who do not know the facts about my story or background info.

 

But right now I am in such a mess and have decided to start a new thread as hopefully the support and good advice will outweigh the negative comments that make me feel worse.

 

Not all of this involves the MM story but hope I can still post on this board as quite a few of you know me on here.

 

OK so I am still with my fiance but he is in Iraq as some of you already know, he went in June '10 and returns in June '11. He is from the US and I am from the UK, plan was for me to immigrate next year to marry him. We have always been long distance having 'met' online in August '10, we have only physically met 4 times in real life.

 

He is a wonderful man but I could not stop thinking about xMM - and with my fiance away I longed for xMM even more so.

 

MM had made recent contact in July this year after 15 months of ignoring me. Then he briefly dropped off the radar again after I told him I am engaged, until a few weeks ago. He randomly called me in October just gone, I welcomed his call due to how I feel right now, bottom line seemed to be that he was going away on business imminently and wanted to know if I would be able to join him. I declined, I would not cheat on my fiance no matter how much I still love xMM. He kept saying that he is still unhappily married but leaving his wife for me is not a decision he was prepared to make over the phone. He wanted to meet me to see if the chemistry was still there, and also said that even I might feel differently if we saw each other again. After turning down his offer, he cut the phone call short and said he had to go - and promised he would call me w/c 25th Oct to arrange an alternative meeting and no call thus far. It never ceases to amaze me how after everything he has done to hurt me, he does it again and just discards me without a second thought about how damaging it is to me.

 

I am extremely depressed right now about all that and other things. I lost my job 2 weeks ago, it was just me working for a woman who ran a small business so it hit me hard that she does not want me any more. I almost lost that same job this time 2 years ago too when the MM stuff was all fresh and I was not even fit to work. But this time it is for real. One of my sisters is being vile to me right now and even excluded me from attending her birthday party yesterday which was like a kick in the head, especially when all the photos were uploaded onto Facebook this evening showing them all having big fun while I sat at home crying. I have barely been out recently, I did not do anything to celebrate Halloween or bonfire night. I seem to just sit/sleep in my room, I don't get dressed and sleep until the afternoon. Really feel that life is passing me by right now but I am just sooooooolethargic from the depression that I cannot pick myself up right now. Comfort eating is also a problem for me right now, and this is awful as I am also too down to even exercise.

 

Re: the men - I love the MM with all my heart and feel such a failure that even getting engaged to a nice man was not enough to move me on from him. Yet MM is unlikely to ever be able to offer me a future, even if he DID ever leave his wife he would probably not want to be with me, he is 22 years my senior with 4 kids who are all under 18 and I can't see him wanting to start a whole new family. My fiance is a lovely person but we are not soul mates and I do not feel that connection with him that I had with MM which is hard to admit but true. Yet my fiance wants to offer me everything I want and need. But the situation would be far from ideal anyway as being with him would have to involve me moving to the States which I am getting cold feet about.

 

Still cannot believe that after all this time I STILL cannot stop loving the MM. I have not seen MM since July '08 and he has made me many hollow promises over the phone between now and then yet never followed through. Is it the lack of closure and very occasional false hope that keep me hooked on him???

 

My poor fiance deserves better than this, yet I cannot discuss any issues with him as we only have IM to communicate with. I have not even been able to tell him about losing my job, I feel more and more distant towards him as each day passes. When I do try to discuss anything other than small talk he is nonchalent and unresponsive. I have looked back at our IM conversations and every one of them is me doing all the talking/asking all the questions and he has no conversation or gives one word answers. So in my defense - I have needs, and not seeing him for a whole year with just scraps of communication is not good enough for me right now. One of the friends I actually DO have has said that he is not surprised I am vulnerable to MM right now as between my fiance and I there is no real relationship.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are still hung up on the MM.

 

Your fiance does deserve better.

 

My dad was in the Vietnam War. Back then, there was NO communication with family except letters. There was no IM, there were no phone calls. He was gone for 13 months. We would watch the TV which showed the list of MIA (Missing in Action), POW (Prisoners of War) or those that died to see if we knew the names of people or even our father. I have no idea how my mom survived this, especially with 3 young kids.

 

Your fiance is fighting for the rights of the people of the USA. I am honored to have him doing that. He is making HUGE sacrifices for our safety and security.

 

If you don't love him, tell him. Tell him now. Break the engagement. I also have many friends who are military people and honestly, he probably doesn't have a lot to say - his mind is occupied, he is probably exhausted. I am not sure what you are expecting from him. You are the one who has issues in the relationship - how is he to know if you don't tell him. Plus, you already told him about the MM the other time he contacted you. He probably already knows you will not be marrying him.

 

And that is for the best for BOTH of you.

 

For some reason, you are so hung up on the MM and he is destroying your life and your soul, but you are ALLOWING it.

 

So why not go meet him? You know he isn't leaving his marriage so go and be the OW because I don't think you are ever going to allow another man to enter your heart truly since you only have room for the MM.

 

I am very sorry about your job. I hope you find a new one soon.

 

Please also see a counselor. Your depression is very real and I worry that you are going to get to a very dark place. Please take care of yourself.

 

Good luck

[Minnie09]

Sorry you're in such a rough place right now.

It shocks me that you're still thinking of MM after not having seen him for 2 years! Why is that? I think this should be your first and most urgent question to ask yourself, ideally with the support of a counselor. The problem is not the past R with MM, not the MM, the problem most likely lies within yourself. What was it that gave you so much during that affair that it makes the rest of your life insignificant? Please try to resolve that question first of all.

 

I don't even want to discuss your fiancé right now, because I think you don't love each other. At least you don't love him. Your expectations aren't met, and he sounds like a rebound. Trust me when I tell you that there are hardly any successful rebounds out there, if they're not within yourself.

 

Sorry you lost your job. One hardship rarely comes alone, it seems. I'm proud of you that you didn't meet up with MM upon his request, though, because I don't think your well-being is very high on his priority list.

 

Please take care of yourself. I feel for you. Get yourself some help asap.

[YellowShark]

We have always been long distance having 'met' online in August '10, we have only physically met 4 times in real life.

 

Perhaps you two need more face-time before you marry him. Four "dates" is not enough IMHO. Nor is a few months online enough time to commit to marriage.

 

He is a wonderful man but I could not stop thinking about xMM - and with my fiance away I longed for xMM even more so.

 

You need to commit 100% to your fiance emotionally if - and when - you decide to marry. Still pining for xMM will only tear you up inside, and the passion and emotion that should be reserved for your fiance is being misdirected towards your xMM.

 

He kept saying that he is still unhappily married but leaving his wife for me is not a decision he was prepared to make over the phone.

 

He didn't leave his marriage after 15 month of ignoring you either.

 

He wanted to meet me to see if the chemistry was still there, and also said that even I might feel differently if we saw each other again.

 

He wanted sex.

 

After turning down his offer, he cut the phone call short and said he had to go...

 

Ya, go figure.

 

... and promised he would call me w/c 25th Oct to arrange an alternative meeting and no call thus far.

 

Gosh. What a surprise.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how after everything he has done to hurt me, he does it again and just discards me without a second thought about how damaging it is to me.

 

So why do you have feelings for him?

 

I am extremely depressed right now about all that and other things. I lost my job 2 weeks ago,

 

Well you're going to have to find a new job before your fiance is done his tour in June 2011. This is a great time to give yourself a year to regroup, and rediscover who you are.

 

excluded me from attending her birthday party yesterday which was like a kick in the head, especially when all the photos were uploaded onto Facebook this evening showing them all having big fun while I sat at home crying.

 

Ya. We all have problems with our sisters and brothers sometimes. That's just life, she still loves you even though you're going through a bad patch.

 

I have barely been out recently, I did not do anything to celebrate Halloween or bonfire night. I seem to just sit/sleep in my room, I don't get dressed and sleep until the afternoon. Really feel that life is passing me by right now but I am just sooooooolethargic from the depression that I cannot pick myself up right now. Comfort eating is also a problem for me right now, and this is awful as I am also too down to even exercise.

 

You're just depressed. Please go see your doctor and ask him if there is something he can do to help.

 

I love the MM with all my heart.. Yet MM is unlikely to ever be able to offer me a future, even if he DID ever leave his wife he would probably not want to be with me, he is 22 years my senior with 4 kids who are all under 18 and I can't see him wanting to start a whole new family.

 

So you "love" the guy who ignored you for 15 months, is still married, can't offer you a future, was already in his 20s when you were born, and continues to break your heart? That seems very unhealthy for you.

 

...and feel such a failure that even getting engaged to a nice man was not enough to move me on from him.

 

You need to process that MM is really not a good fit for you, and your fiance is not a replacement part.

 

..my fiance wants to offer me everything I want and need. But the situation would be far from ideal anyway as being with him would have to involve me moving to the States which I am getting cold feet about.

 

Since his tour will not end until the summer of 2011 take the next year and rediscover yourself. When your fiance returns from Iraq, go visit him in the USA. Stay with him for a few weeks, make sure this is a man you want to marry. Then if he is, that's when you decide to emigrate from the UK. That's the order it should go in.

 

My poor fiance deserves better than this...

 

Yes he does.

 

..yet I cannot discuss any issues with him as we only have IM to communicate with. I have not even been able to tell him about losing my job, I feel more and more distant towards him as each day passes.

 

And you have a year to go until his tour ends heartbroken. Don't torture him, or yourself, if you really aren't sure about marriage. Be true to yourself.

 

One of the friends I actually DO have has said that he is not surprised I am vulnerable to MM right now as between my fiance and I there is no real relationship.

 

And your friend is 100% correct.

 

Stay strong, best of luck.

[spice4life]

It sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression and need to get put on meds or get into treatment asap. Tell your regular physician about your depression and he\she can prescribe meds to help you and he\she can direct you on where to go to get help. You need to get this depression under control first and then start seeking answers.

 

One simple thing you can do in the mean time is stop communicating with your xMM. Stay complete NC. NC = no new hurts. Period. He is just telling you what you want to hear so he can suck you back in. You can take control of that by not communicating with him at all.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Thanks for your replies guys, nice to know you're there.

 

J Thorne - Yes I agree that meeting up to see if the chemistry is still present is lame, I think when one wants someone they just know within their soul. But I doubt whether he had true intentions of resuming anything with me as he has not even bothered to contact me since. I don't know whether I would even follow through and agree to meet but to have him contact me felt good. If it ever came to it, I think I would agree to meet him for coffee in a public place so there is no temptation to be intimate.

 

And yes, even if the MM was out of the picture and I had long forgotten him, my relationship with my fiance is in trouble for many other reasons. All my fault though, he is lovely - but I can at least forgive myself for feeling unfulfilled right now. We are engaged so the pressure is on to get married as soon as he finishes the mission, he has a massive close knit family who are all desperate to get involved which I find very scary, being from a small unsupportive and dysfunctional family myself. I feel if I move out there to be with him then his family will take over, like when we have kids etc. I really can't bear the thought.

 

 

 

Fooled Once - Yes I remember you saying once before about your Father, it must have been very tough on you and the rest of your family - especially because communication options were limited back then.

 

My fiance is military police, so never on the front line and he has reassured me that his job is low risk, and that Iraq itself is pretty safe right now. I do take my hat off to him for doing what he does, I really don't know how he copes.

 

I hope you can understand that I really do not feel I can break off the engagement right now. He has enough going on out there without drama from me added to the equation, it would also be so nasty of me to do it over IM - I am definitely a face to face kinda person. Not only that but I am worried about making a decision I will regret. OK so I have cold feet right now but if fiance was here with me I can't help thinking things would be different and I wouldn't even be having these doubts. If I break up with him and regret it a year or so down the line, going back will not be an option. It is not like moving to a new city or chosing a job - if the wrong choice is made in those circumstances then you can move on or go back. With something like this, if it's over then it's over, no return.

 

He actually seems oblivious to my unhappiness though. He is still always talking about the future so nothing seems to have changed on his part.

 

 

 

Minnie - Yes I cannot even believe that 2 years on, and not even having seen him in that time, I still love him as much as ever. I would love to know why too!!! Makes me think that if my feeling are this strong then it has to have been real love, right? I think he was my soulmate. Pity I obviously wasn't his. It feels so gut wrenching to love someone and not only not have them available to you, but knowing they have built the life with someone else that you desire to have with them. Whilst making empty promises and cruelly abandoning you. That is just so painful, the most painful thing I have ever been through. My first few threads on here from a couple of years back will vouch for that!

 

I can honestly say that my fiance was not a rebound, I got with him over a year after last seeing MM so it was technically plenty of time to have moved on a little, and people kept telling me to start dating to help me get over him. When I met my fiance I was totally swept away in a whirlwind romance, yes a part of me still loved MM but he had gone to the back of my mind as opposed to being at the forefront pretty much 24/7. As time has gone on, particularly since fiance went to Iraq in June, I have increasingly missed the amazingly intense connection I shared with MM.

[Eeyore79]

He is from the US and I am from the UK, plan was for me to immigrate next year to marry him. We have always been long distance having 'met' online in August '10, we have only physically met 4 times in real life.

 

Perhaps you two need more face-time before you marry him. Four "dates" is not enough IMHO. Nor is a few months online enough time to commit to marriage.

 

I second this. You've only dated this guy for three months and you're planning to marry him?! Not to mention that you've only met him four times. I don't think you can sensibly make such a huge decision to leave your whole life behind and move to another country on the basis of having known someone for three months.

 

I can understand how this man might seem like a knight on a shining white horse who will whisk you away from all your troubles and give you a brand new life in a new country, but realistically you hardly know him. Emotionally healthy people don't leap into lifetime commitments on the basis of a couple of months of online communication.

 

Please don't think I'm getting at you, because I'm not. I just think you're probably still affected by your relationship with xMM, and maybe you're not completely emotionally healthy, so you're diverting your feelings by pinning them onto a new partner. I'm not criticising because I've done it myself in the past - I used someone else as a diversion to avoid facing my feelings about a relationship breakup, enjoyed his attention because my ex didn't want me, and convinced myself I loved him because it helped me to stop loving my ex. Like you, I was suffering from depression at the time - your whole situation sounds painfully familiar.

 

You really need to get out and start enjoying life, get treatment for depression, go out and meet people, etc. Even if you intend to stay with your LDR partner, you still have to enjoy your life while you're alone; you need to have a life of your own and not just be waiting around for him to return. Living your life will help with the depression too!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sorry all the years and months going through my mind and I made a typo - I put that fiance and I met online in Aug '10

 

I meant August 2009!!!

Hopefully most people realised the error!!!

 

Will see if I can go back and rectify it...

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I second this. You've only dated this guy for three months and you're planning to marry him?! Not to mention that you've only met him four times. I don't think you can sensibly make such a huge decision to leave your whole life behind and move to another country on the basis of having known someone for three months.

 

I can understand how this man might seem like a knight on a shining white horse who will whisk you away from all your troubles and give you a brand new life in a new country, but realistically you hardly know him. Emotionally healthy people don't leap into lifetime commitments on the basis of a couple of months of online communication.

 

Please don't think I'm getting at you, because I'm not. I just think you're probably still affected by your relationship with xMM, and maybe you're not completely emotionally healthy, so you're diverting your feelings by pinning them onto a new partner. I'm not criticising because I've done it myself in the past - I used someone else as a diversion to avoid facing my feelings about a relationship breakup, enjoyed his attention because my ex didn't want me, and convinced myself I loved him because it helped me to stop loving my ex. Like you, I was suffering from depression at the time - your whole situation sounds painfully familiar.

 

You really need to get out and start enjoying life, get treatment for depression, go out and meet people, etc. Even if you intend to stay with your LDR partner, you still have to enjoy your life while you're alone; you need to have a life of your own and not just be waiting around for him to return. Living your life will help with the depression too!

 

Hi there,

 

Yeah sorry just realised I made a typo re: dates, I meant August '09 was when we met, so we have known each other 15 months, met 4 times in real life between December '09 -June '10 and that's when he went to Iraq.

 

I think that if people question why I would marry someone I know so little about, then they also need to question why my fiance would do the same. I sometimes wonder, is he just desperate to settle down and have a wife - ANY WIFE?! I realise by saying that it is putting myself down and not believing he truly loves me for me. But I don't know. He did seem to get swept away in the passion and romance like I did.

 

I would like to start getting out there and doing fun things but right now I am just too depressed to even move. I really want to make positive progress in my life, it would be the perfect opportunity with fiance being away, and now not having a job to occupy my time. I can hopefully start to focus on fixing me.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Perhaps you two need more face-time before you marry him. Four "dates" is not enough IMHO. Nor is a few months online enough time to commit to marriage.

It was Aug '09 that we met, my mistake! But even so - you are right, we have not met enough times in real life. Although my fiance must have also been pretty confident that we would make a good husband and wife else we wouldn't have got engaged? The time we spent together was either long weekends or city breaks. So either one or both of us was in holiday mode during our time together. As a friend of mine said - we have not experienced day to day living with each other.

 

You need to commit 100% to your fiance emotionally if - and when - you decide to marry. Still pining for xMM will only tear you up inside, and the passion and emotion that should be reserved for your fiance is being misdirected towards your xMM.

Agree totally. I do feel so bad about all this mess.

 

 

He didn't leave his marriage after 15 month of ignoring you either.

Yes he is a coward and so afraid of life. Yet he is obviously unhappy or lacking somewhere in his life as he always contacts me again in the end, whether it's 2 months later or 15 months later!

 

 

He wanted sex.

Yes I think it's safe to say it was all about sex for him. He wanted companionship for a week during his business trip. Perfect opportunity and his wife would never know.

 

 

So why do you have feelings for him?

We shared a very special connection, he actually lived with me in an innocent roommate situation as he was working away from home and needed a room to rent Mon-Fri and it just so happened he picked one in this house! We built up a very close friendship.

 

 

Well you're going to have to find a new job before your fiance is done his tour in June 2011. This is a great time to give yourself a year to regroup, and rediscover who you are.

Yes, I want to overcome the depression and use this time constructively.

 

 

Ya. We all have problems with our sisters and brothers sometimes. That's just life, she still loves you even though you're going through a bad patch.

I hope you're right! It really does hurt though.

 

 

You're just depressed. Please go see your doctor and ask him if there is something he can do to help.

I have been to the Dr. and have been referred for therapy and prescribed Prozac.

 

So you "love" the guy who ignored you for 15 months, is still married, can't offer you a future, was already in his 20s when you were born, and continues to break your heart? That seems very unhealthy for you.

I know, I wish I could break free from this spell he seems to have me under.

 

Since his tour will not end until the summer of 2011 take the next year and rediscover yourself. When your fiance returns from Iraq, go visit him in the USA. Stay with him for a few weeks, make sure this is a man you want to marry. Then if he is, that's when you decide to emigrate from the UK. That's the order it should go in.

This sounds like a better plan. I will suggest this when we talk about my issues. That we maybe spend a bit more time together and postphone the marriage.

 

Stay strong, best of luck.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and helping me see things a bit more clearly.

[Minnie09]

Well, you already said you're getting cold feet abt moving to the States. And that's totally understandable. That would already be a big step in your life if you had lived together in another country before. But you don't even have that experience to back up that decision of yours to move away from the UK to be his W in the US. It just doesn't sound right to me. There aren't many reliable facts available to support your decision. You hardly know the person. Has he been married before? How old is he? Why would you leave everything for something that isn't THAT great of a relationship anymore. Sure, you said you were swept away, and so was he, and the romance was big, and that's great - BUT it has CHANGED. You need to get to know him better. I would be scared to death to change my life entirely for someone I don't know enough.

Are you running from something? It seems like you want to leave your current life, no matter how little you know about your future one.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

It sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression and need to get put on meds or get into treatment asap. Tell your regular physician about your depression and he\she can prescribe meds to help you and he\she can direct you on where to go to get help. You need to get this depression under control first and then start seeking answers.

 

One simple thing you can do in the mean time is stop communicating with your xMM. Stay complete NC. NC = no new hurts. Period. He is just telling you what you want to hear so he can suck you back in. You can take control of that by not communicating with him at all.

 

Yes I have been to the Dr. and been referred for counselling and have also been prescribed Prozac, I am anti drugs though and normally very alternative so I'm scared to take them.

[awkward]

You've been twisted up over this MM for years. You've had a nervous breakdown and trusted him when he gave you no reason to trust him. You can control how you respond to his sporadic contact. Make it impossible for him to contact you again. EVER!

 

It's almost 2011 and next year is going to be a totally different year for you. I can feel it. How can you start working on changing your life?

 

1) Go to the doctor tomorrow and discuss how you're feeling.

 

2) See your counselor.

 

3) Make amends with your sister. She has been there for you through everything and will continue to be. You just need to call her and tell her you need her. She loves you.

 

4) Apply for a new job.

 

5) Take care of your physical health too. Eating properly, exercising, drinking plenty of fluids.

 

6) Set your alarm and make yourself get up. Don't lie in bed to watch TV or read or anything, only to sleep.

 

7) Take a break with fiance.

 

Don't be afraid to post here. We are here for you.

[BB07]

I'm asking a serious question and I don't mean to be a smart azz.......but after what you've said here about xmm (which makes him sound like a real dickhead btw) what is it about him that makes you love him???

 

I'm asking because maybe it will help you.......and I'll explain more later.

[spice4life]

Yes I have been to the Dr. and been referred for counselling and have also been prescribed Prozac, I am anti drugs though and normally very alternative so I'm scared to take them.[/quote

 

There is nothing wrong with getting a little help during times like this. Like one of the other posters said, use this time to regroup and get your life back in order. Take it one step at a time with the first being not responding to your xMM's fishing attempts.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm asking a serious question and I don't mean to be a smart azz.......but after what you've said here about xmm (which makes him sound like a real dickhead btw) what is it about him that makes you love him???

 

I'm asking because maybe it will help you.......and I'll explain more later.

 

Well at the time, when we shared a house together under innocent circumstances, he was a friend to me at a point in my life when I was in a new town and just split up from my ex fiance at the end of 2006 and had just found out about a health condition I had, 2 of the family dogs had died within 2 months of each other he helped me through all of that.

 

I felt lonely and he was a great companion to me. We used to eat dinner together and share bottles of wine. We had an amazing connection, which involved knowing what the other was thinking, finishing each others sentences, having common interests etc. I just felt we were a prefect fit, I just got on with him soooo well. I have quite unique interests and ideas about things so it was incredible that we shared the same outlook on life. I never get that with people, I have always felt so different to others. He is the same, he told me he very rarely connects with people the way he did with me. But then if he missed me THAT much he would have done something about it by now and he hasn't.

[BB07]

Well at the time, when we shared a house together under innocent circumstances, he was a friend to me at a point in my life when I was in a new town and just split up from my ex fiance at the end of 2006 and had just found out about a health condition I had, 2 of the family dogs had died within 2 months of each other he helped me through all of that.

 

I felt lonely and he was a great companion to me. We used to eat dinner together and share bottles of wine. We had an amazing connection, which involved knowing what the other was thinking, finishing each others sentences, having common interests etc. I just felt we were a prefect fit, I just got on with him soooo well. I have quite unique interests and ideas about things so it was incredible that we shared the same outlook on life. I never get that with people, I have always felt so different to others. He is the same, he told me he very rarely connects with people the way he did with me. But then if he missed me THAT much he would have done something about it by now and he hasn't.

 

I don't want to offend you cause I know you are hurting but do you realize that everything you said is about how he made you feel?? It was nothing about any good qualities he might have.

Also do you realize that he just might be enough of a sociopath that he worked you, groomed you, to get what he wanted from you? Maybe he took your vulnerabilities and made himself into being what he thought you wanted him to be in order to get what he wanted from you. Some men are damn good at playing games with their victims!

Can you accept the possibility that this man might have played you?

[Eeyore79]

Yeah sorry just realised I made a typo re: dates, I meant August '09 was when we met, so we have known each other 15 months, met 4 times in real life between December '09 -June '10 and that's when he went to Iraq.

 

15 months would be ok if you actually spent time with him, but you live thousands of miles apart. How long did you spend with him the four times you met? I highly recommend that you go over there on a three month visitor visa once he returns from Iraq, to just hang out and get to know what life is like with him on a daily basis. Maybe that would help to alleviate some of your uncertainties.

 

It's natural to be apprehensive about leaving everything you know for a man who you haven't really spent much time with. I had an LDR with someone in another country, and emigrating seemed like such a fun thing to do, particularly because I was depressed and wanted to escape from my life. When it came down to it though, I wasn't actually prepared to leave my family and everything behind, so we broke up.

 

I would like to start getting out there and doing fun things but right now I am just too depressed to even move.

 

Getting out there is what will help to fix the depression. It will be a huge struggle to begin with, but in time it will make you feel much better. I've suffered from depression, and I know it's like a vicious circle - you're too depressed to go out, so you stay home and get even more depressed. But you have to force yourself to go out and get involved with people, do something worthwhile (I joined a drama group), and your self worth will increase and the depression will lift.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I don't want to offend you cause I know you are hurting but do you realize that everything you said is about how he made you feel?? It was nothing about any good qualities he might have.

Also do you realize that he just might be enough of a sociopath that he worked you, groomed you, to get what he wanted from you? Maybe he took your vulnerabilities and made himself into being what he thought you wanted him to be in order to get what he wanted from you. Some men are damn good at playing games with their victims!

Can you accept the possibility that this man might have played you?

 

Alot of the LS members in the past thought that he had groomed me for his personal gain.

 

Looking back, perhaps that maybe true to some extent. He was certainly an opportunist, he made the best of a situation where he was living in a house share with four girls!

 

But there are certain things that cannot be faked. We genuinely had a good connection and friendship, even if it was perhaps only to some extent on his part.

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. ((HUGS))

 

I think that you need to decide what it is that you want.

 

You don't have to do anything. Don't have to move, get married, be in an A, be NC.

 

What do YOU want to do? Who do you want to be with? Or do you want to be alone?

 

You are conflicted because you are acting in contrary to what your heart tells you to do. Heartbroken, start making choices instead of letting life make choices for you.

 

DO WHAT YOU WANT. What you are doing is not working, SO TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

 

I feel for you. And at some point you have to decide that you alone are the master of your destiny and then go out and make it happen. Life is so very short, enjoy it! You're not and that worries me. Make choices that you won't regret. Make choices that you can look back and say, I did the best I could with the information I had at the time and I'm not sorry for the choices I made.

 

Start trusting yourself and ignoring everything else. That's what being an adult is. You set the tone.

 

GEL

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. ((HUGS))

 

I think that you need to decide what it is that you want.

 

You don't have to do anything. Don't have to move, get married, be in an A, be NC.

 

What do YOU want to do? Who do you want to be with? Or do you want to be alone?

 

You are conflicted because you are acting in contrary to what your heart tells you to do. Heartbroken, start making choices instead of letting life make choices for you.

 

DO WHAT YOU WANT. What you are doing is not working, SO TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

 

I feel for you. And at some point you have to decide that you alone are the master of your destiny and then go out and make it happen. Life is so very short, enjoy it! You're not and that worries me. Make choices that you won't regret. Make choices that you can look back and say, I did the best I could with the information I had at the time and I'm not sorry for the choices I made.

 

Start trusting yourself and ignoring everything else. That's what being an adult is. You set the tone.

 

GEL

 

Hi GEL, thanks for the support

 

I am just so scared of making the wrong choice.

 

To me the most important thing in life was to get married and have kids. I do not want to be alone. I am frightened of finishing with my fiance then regretting it later, or never getting the chance to marry someone suitable again. Yet I feel I had a deeper conection with xMM. But even if I wanted to be with xMM and have a future with him, I can't. I have no control over that. No matter how much I want him, it is all on his terms and I do not have a say in the matter. Unless of course he actually propositioned me again in the future.

 

I am grateful that I have lost my job in a warped kind of way, it feel like my boss has set me free. I will now have enough time on my hands to try and figure out what I should do, without the pressure of having to hold down a job that I was too depressed to function and perform well at.

[GreenEyedLady]

Hi GEL, thanks for the support

 

I am just so scared of making the wrong choice.

 

To me the most important thing in life was to get married and have kids. I do not want to be alone. I am frightened of finishing with my fiance then regretting it later, or never getting the chance to marry someone suitable again. Yet I feel I had a deeper conection with xMM. But even if I wanted to be with xMM and have a future with him, I can't. I have no control over that. No matter how much I want him, it is all on his terms and I do not have a say in the matter. Unless of course he actually propositioned me again in the future.

 

I am grateful that I have lost my job in a warped kind of way, it feel like my boss has set me free. I will now have enough time on my hands to try and figure out what I should do, without the pressure of having to hold down a job that I was too depressed to function and perform well at.

 

Heartbroken,

 

Fear is paralyzing. It keeps you from doing ANYTHING. Let me tell you my story.

 

I was probably much like you. I wanted to be married and have kids as my family married young and forever.

 

I married at 23. I had two babies with a man I should NEVER have married. Fear kept me married to him. And then I decided that I would be successful, man or not. I finished my master's degree and I left him with a 2 year old and 4 year old.

 

And I do not regret leaving him and embarking on the rest of my life.

 

Fear does no good. Life will go on. No matter what choice you make. The funny thing about life is that when enough time passes, everything is forgotten. So live your life so you do not forget what is important.

 

Your life is not defined by your marital status or number of children or even number of years married. Your life is defined THE WAY YOU DEFINE IT.

 

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just listen to that still small voice inside you. Right now it seems like if you don't marry him your life MAY be ruined. Nothing is ever fully ruined. It is what you make it.

 

When you love a man and he loves you, it will happen and be right. You will not have doubts. You will know. If you have any doubts, don't do it. It's not right for you. And having been through a traumatic first marriage, be sure. It is not easy to divorce and when you have kids it's difficult to see them hurt and know that you are a part in that hurt even if it's removed.

 

GEL

[BB07]

Great post GEL and I'd like to add one more thing if I may.

 

People that really love you will have your best interest at heart, they will not hurt you over and over again. Also.........when you feel a deep and good love for someone it will be for the good qualities they possess, not for how they make you feel.

[Carrot2000]

Heartbroken, please seek help for your depression; you don't want to make any major life decisions until you get your mood stabilized. Once you begin to feel better you'll be able to operate from a position of strength and make decisions about work and your relationship with a sense of clarity, not fear. Take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place.