Should I act on the feelings we have?

[missysmayhem]

I guess I should start with a little history. Me and this guy have been friends for 5 years now and were coworkers for 3 of them. We have supported each other in our divorces (took place within same year) and have been good friends this whole time. We don't see each other much anymore, except for certain events or around town. We still talk on the computer though about once a week to keep up with each other.

Both of us have had other relationships since divorcing, one of which he is still involved in. He has been having trouble with this relationship for a while now. She wants marriage and has since they began seeing each other. He, on the other hand, is not sure that he wants to.

This past week we were talking as usual and he was confessing his problems and concerns with me about his current relationship. I tried to be objectionable, putting my feelings aside, and give him advice the best I could. The whole conversation took a turn however when we confessed about how we really felt about each other. How we had very strong feelings for each other but it has never been the right time or circumstances. We talked for the next 3 days about life, love, sex you name it. I am not sure what to do at this point. Do I wait and see where it goes with his girlfriend, do I just take it as an honest conversation and nothing more?

 

Now that I have let my feelings out, all the other emotions have come flooding to the top and has made it very real for me.

 

Any Ideas?

[Thor]

I would definitely wait for him to make a decision about his current relationship first. The two of you should still converse with each other, but nothing else beyond that until he makes his decision. The conversations that you both have shared sound like they involve each of your feelings for the other person. It's probably not "just" another conversation. IF I were this guy, my thoughts would be "should I stay in my current relationship that's not making me that happy, or should I break this off and start a relationship that I've been wanting to start for several years now?". I hate to punish an already dead mule, but regardless of what he's thinking, you should still wait for him to make his decision. Then you'll really know what you should do next.

[missysmayhem]

Thanks! Thor...

I appreciate a guys point of view. Its been a few days since I have talked to him and I am beginning to wonder what is going on. I figured I should back off for a while and see if this is going to go anywhere. He hasn't contacted me either.

 

How long exactly do you think I should wait? How long is too long. Should I just go on as normal and wait for fate to step in? hmmm....

[Thor]

Well, I think that the two of you should still communicate. Use the timing "schedule" you two used to use before you started getting into your deeper topics. If you were communicating on weekly basis then use that timing scheme. If you were emailing each other daily then keep that up as well. Basically, just try to stick with your normal routine when it comes with communication.

[missysmayhem]

Ok I have an update, and am more confused than ever. He was out of town for a couple weeks and we he got back we started talking again. Actually we started talking a lot. He started emailing me at work and also chatting at night. This past friday we decided to meet and talk about the feelings we have been having.

 

Well...after talking we were getting ready to separate and he asked for a hug. The hug turned into a kiss, and then some heavy "petting". Lets just say the hormones were racing.

He is having some serious issues with his girlfriend. What should I do? I really want to see him again, and am so tempted to find any opportunity too. The fact though remains that he is in a relationship. And I already feel like "the other woman" My mind is a complete blur and I am utterly confused. Any advice?

If I go with what my heart wants it would feel great...but my mind is telling its wrong and to stop... Help?!?

 

Missy

[Hopeless Romantica]

MissyMayhem, if you are questioning your actions or doubting what you should be doing, then listen to your inside feelings and stand back. However, I view things differently. If I were in your shoes, I would act on my feeings, but not physically b/c then you are becoming the "other" woman. I would talk to him again and tell him that you want him. He is a single man, uncommitted, not engaged, I'm assuming. This means the man is legally free to choose.

 

You have already told him how you feel about him. I would wait to see what he does w/that information. But I would not give him my body, even if it's just making out, until he breaks it off w/his girlfriend. If he wants to be with you, he'll drop her.

 

Do keep us informed on what happens next. Good luck!

[Guest]

I think this guy is playing a dangerous game. It's called having your cake and eating it too. Deep down you must know that or you wouldn't be having reservations about getting involved with him.

 

He is having some serious issues with his girlfriend.

 

Whatever issues he may be having with her they aren't serious enough for him to break up with her. He sounds very immature and selfish. Not only is he stringing his gf along, he's also got you wrapped up around his little finger. He makes out with you (that's cheating in my book) and goes home to the gf. What a prize this guy is.

 

Let's pretend for a moment that they do break up and you become the new girlfriend. Knowing that he cheated on the ex with you, can you live with thought that he might cheat on you as well? He isn't man enough now to talk to his gf about their relationship problems. Don't you think the same thing might happen when he's with you?

 

You say that the two of you are friends. Well, I don't think he's being a good friend to you. A good friend wouldn't be playing these kinds of games. A good friend wouldn't make you sacrifice your self-respect and your morals.

 

If you still want to be with this guy, at the very least, wait for him to break up with his girlfriend.

[missysmayhem]

Well...I have another update...hope your ready for some drama.

We saw each other again. He told me that he had spoken with his girlfriend and told her that he had wanted to separate. He also said that he wanted to see where our relationship goes from there. I felt great about that, but still worried that his separation from her was because of me and not because of the problems in their relationship. I wanted us to be together because we wanted too not because he wanted out of his other one. As we talked the hormones started going again and we had sex. And ...yes...it was good.

But today, I had sent him an email telling him that I didn't want to go that far with him again until he had broken his relationship off with her completely. ie...she moves out and he is settled with it in his heart. I told him that I wanted him to be free to focus on what we might have. No complications, just easy and natural.

 

What i didn't know was that she was moving out tonight. He called me at home to tell me that she had broken into his computer at work and read the email I had sent. And that i should leave my phone off the hook and be prepared because she is really upset and wanted to say something to me. I knew though that I needed to face what was due to me for what had happened. She called, told me I could have him, that he cheated on her and that if he really loved her he wouldn't have done that. I told her I was sorry. I didn't want it to happen the way it did and that he really did care for her. She could care less what I had to say. I don't blame her. I wouldn't if I was her either.

 

So, this is the point I am at now. I am not sure what to do. I care so much for him but don't know that he wants anything to do with me at this point. I don't know if I should contact him again, wait for him to contact me or what. I just want to be with him, to talk to him about how he is feeling and offer him advice like I used to. I feel like I can't now cause I am no longer the outside opinion looking in. Now I am part of this mess. Its so frustrating and upsetting and I am really at my wits end of what to do.