Would I be considered the "mistress" if I continued seeing him once he moves back in?

[Sandra]

Hello ladies. I hope I can get some input here. I am in a very hard situation. I met my "boyfriend" a little over two years ago. He was living with the mother of his children(they were NEVER MARRIED)well, when we first met, they were in the process of ending the realtionship. We remained friends until he told her that it was not going to work between them. It was a very nasty breakup. You would have thought they were married due to all the things that happened(she was arrested for domestic abuse, court,threats,etc).

 

Well, he and I began dating, and needless to say, it got way worse. She interfered w/ his visitation w/ the children,and verbally and physically abused him in front of his children and others. Any time he tried to stand up for himself, she would bar him from seeing his children. He is not financially in any position to take her court.

 

Well, he let her move back into his house because she was going to pay the mortgage, and his kids would be closer. he and I have been together for twenty months now. The last straw for him I guess, was when she disappeared on Father's Day, and he did not get to see his children. Since then, our realtionship has gone down hill. We have been seeing a therapist together and separately, to try to salvage what's left.

 

We talked on Friday, and he told me that although he loves me, and when spend the rest of his life w/ me, she is always goinf to make his life a living hell, and he doesn't have the financial resources, or the emotional resources to fight her right now, and he wants to be able to see his children and be in their lives, and if that means moving back in to the house, and being in her presence, which keeps her mentally on an even keel(this is a woman who has called him and told him,"I had a bad day, you need to come over here and take care of the kids, or I'm going to take it out on them"),then that's what he has to do right now fot the sake of his children.

 

He says he is by no means trying to make it work w/ her, she's there because she's the mother. He's there for the children. Apparantly he spends his time in the basement, which is fixed up just like any other part of the house, and she leaves him be. He says,and I fully agree after being in the relationship this long, that as long as she has the illusion of a family, it doesn't matter that behind closed doors that's not really the case. Rest assured,she would love to be intimate w/ him, but at the end of their realtionship he was sleeping on the couch for eight months,and they had not been intimate for as long, and she thought that was normal.

 

WOuld I be considered the "mistress" if I continued seeing him once he moves back in? She knows we are together. She knows he's in love w/ me-and not her. She knows he's there only because of the kids. I am close w/ his family, so it's not as tough they don't know about me,or that "I'm hidden". His father comes over to my apartment. We go up to his house, I talk to his siters on the phone. What the hell do I do? I can't fault him for wanting to see his children. and I can't fault his logic that as long as he's there,she won't flip out, and his kids will be safe. Any advice is appreciated. I love this man,and he loves me-we're just in a really ****ty situation.

[km82794]

Ahhh, been there.

 

Well, my first question to you is "how do you feel about being a stepmother"?

 

I think you need to ask yourself, could I raise another woman's children?

 

If you can say yes to my question, I think you and your boyrfriend should save the money and fight her for custody. She sounds like she's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic, given her history with domestic violence and the threats with the kids, tape her.

 

If you say no, move on with your life. There's no sense going through life, being the other woman and dealing with the heartache "YOU KNOW", she will cause the two of you.

 

To answer your question...

 

WOuld I be considered the "mistress" if I continued seeing him once he moves back in?

 

As much as I hate to say it, yes, atleast in her eyes, which could bring a lot of chaos and heartache into your life.

 

My fiance and I have custody of his three teens, because their mother is an unfit, alcohalic. It blows, but I know first hand how manipulative the real mom can be in this type of situation. Where do these women come from?

 

Goodluck & keep us posted

[Sandra]

Thanks for the input. I don't mind being a stepmother. I've been in the children's life for as long as he and I have been together. I love them, and they have told me on numerous occassions they love me-which just kills me :)I agree w/ us saving money to fight her 100%. I know a lot of his helplessness is not having financial stability to do anything. He strted a new business a few years ago, and while he's busy, he's paying off startup costs and not seeing a profit as of yet. He works his tail off,so it's certainly not being lazy. I just really love him, and I'm going back and forth on the issue.Can I feel like the "other woman" and that will be ok, do I need and deserve more than he can give unfortunately. I don't know. For me, it's not as easy as saying ok,I'm done, because I've tried that, and I can't stick to it, and neither can he. It just is sooooo hard. DoO you think a relationship is worth all this?Or that people can have what I'm sure is a VERY unconventional relationship that works somehow?

Sandra

[km82794]

DoO you think a relationship is worth all this?Or that people can have what I'm sure is a VERY unconventional relationship that works somehow?

 

I was once the "other woman", so I think I can speak from some experience here.

 

My now fiance was living with a woman who treated his kids terribly. She had once told him he would be the perfect guy if he didn't have custody of his little brats, but anyway, they had been together for five years when he met me. I was never able to have kids and wanted them desperately, a plus to him. We developed an instant friendship and it quickly progressed from there.

 

We lived an hour away from each other. The kids were in school. The house and cars were in her name thanks to a bankruptsy because of the Ex wife. He, like your boyfriend, had just opened a business, so things had to be low key, but we managed.

 

I'm not going to sugar coat it and say all was easy sailing. I had plenty of doubts and insecurities. Was he really sleeping on the couch as he said? Was there any physical contact? Did they go places together ? I literally drove myself crazy, but it was all worth it in the end.

 

He finally leveled with her after I gave the big ultimatum and moved in with me. Then things turned ugly for him. She stopped making house and car payments, when he was giving her the money to pay them. He found out she hadn't paid the taxes on the house in years, it was ugly. She sold his bike. She even left town and left the dogs to starve. Thank God for neighbors.

 

I think you need to take a couple days off and ask yourself, "are you truly ready for this?"

 

Let's face fact here and say she must still love this guy if she is willing to share a house with him.

 

So are you ready for the "I can't come and see you, the kids are sick", or "Sorry, I didn't call, I fell asleep on the couch". How about the wife calling you, screaming, "leave my husband alone thing".

 

Just my opinion, but you have to put every bit of your trust in this guy to make it work.

 

So to answer your question, yes, if you love and trust each other with all your heart, you can make a relationship out of it.

 

Could he let her have the house and move in with you?

[Sandra]

Well,let me reiterate, they were never married. Could he let her have the house and move in w/ me? Yes, but 1)it's his house-her name never was or is on the mortgage. He put down the down payment.2)If he did that, because he has tried to put his foot down, she will interfere w/ him seeing his kids, and flip out,possibly on the children. Of course she still loves him, although I'm not even sure if love is the correct term,she wants to control him.Unfortunately for me, I'm in the middle. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I doubt I will again. He is a good person,and for his kids safety and sanity, it makes perfect sense what he's doing-except of course for the way I feel. I mean really, how the hell would this work. How long did you and your fiancee keep it low until you gave the ultimatum? It sounds as though he had custody of the children, or am I incorrect? I think if my boyfriend was on better financial footing, he'd tell her to shove it and go for custody, but he's not. How long did you two date while he was still living at his house w/ his ex?

[km82794]

What a sad situation, I feel for you dear.

 

When my sister had problems with her Ex, she went to see an attorney and received a free consultation. I really think he needs to look in the phone book and see if there is anyone in your area that can give him some legal advice.

 

Kinda funny, but not, my fiance's ex and he were never married either (the kids Mom). It disgusts me to no end of the rights she has, even though they never said I do. They were together when "common law" marriages were in effect. She still lives in their house and has let convict after convict move in.

 

Your situation seems a lot like mine, if your boyfriend kicks her manipulating butt out, he in turn hurts his kids.

 

I see your boyfriends point with not letting her have the house, I have to say, I wouldn't either.

 

I'm sorry, but all I can do is shake my head, life stinks sometimes.

 

Goodluck, I'm here for ya!

[Sandra]

Thanks again. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

[Sandra]

O.K. So here's a quick update regarding my situation. The mother of my boyfriends children came home last night and said, I feel like you are just "settling" by being here, that your only here for the children-not me, and that you really want to spend forever with that girl(meaning me), not me(he suspects she went through his stuff and saw cards or pictures or something)And he replied yes, you already know that. If I didn't have two children with you, I'd be with her-not here. But we have two children together, and I want to be in their lives, and you finally got what you wanted. A man that doesn't want you. Her reply was, well I thought we were getting along better. He said yes, we are, we can talk civilly to each other, but that's as far as it goes.I'm not sleeping in your bed, and I don't have any emotions for you whatsoever except that your the mother of my children.She teared up and walked away. Not, hey o.k, I get it, you don't want me, and I don't want someone who doesn't me,someone who's only here for the kids, so I'll let you see your kids and I'll move on. No no no, just tears. She's pathetic.What was the point of her even saying it? Was she hoping he would say no, I'm not settling,I want you.

[km82794]

Was she hoping he would say no, I'm not settling,I want you

 

You betcha, that's exactly what she was hoping to hear. My guess is things are about to get ugly around his house.

 

If this woman can't take the hint after that conversation, she needs help. To me, I can't think of anything worse than my fiance telling me I want someone else, but I'm with you for the sake of the kids.

 

With any luck that conversation is still playing out in her head. Hopefully she'll wake up soon and realize she needs to let him go and be a real mother and give her children the opportunity to have a relationship with their father.

 

Since I can't give you any good advice, because anything I say will end up hurting innocent children, I'll cross my fingers for you!!!

[Sandra]

I fully agree. She has known this for almost two years now, I guess she figured she would wear him down eventually. I think she really had herself convinced that I was just a "fling", and that he really wanted her. I too hope that she plays the conversation over in her head. I also hope that she does not get violent again like she did before. Doesn't she want ot be happy? Doesn't she want a man who wants her? I sure as hell wouldn't want some man who was only with me because of the children. That would drive me nuts. We'll see what happens. I think it's still going to be a while. This woman has known that he didn't want her for a long time now-well before he and I ever met, and she still keeps trying. maybe we'll all get lucky and she'll meet some man who will sweep her off her feet and move on finally.

[Sandra]

Well, here's a quisck update on my situation. It's been about a week now since my boyfriend moved back into his house. I called him on his cellphone last Saturday, and the mother of his children picked it up. I asked her to please put him on the phone, and she refused. She asked me why I keep calling him. i told her it was none of her business, and to give him his phone. I did not call her house phone, I called his cellphone. She told me no again, and I asked her if she was ever going to grow up, and she said NO, and hung up on me.

She proceeded to call me back on my cellphone, and I know i should have hung up on her, but i wanted to hear what she had to say.Well it was a fun conversation to say the least. She of course tried to convince me that he's back because he loves her blah blah blah,and of course, tried every low blow she could come up with. She insisted I was the other woman, even though his family and friends know the whole situation, and know I am his girlfriend. Well, I won't get into the gory details, but long story short,it reallly didn't make any difference. She outright lied about things like threatening to take his children away, and doing harm to them,I have heard her say these things with my own two ears, so I know she has said them,which of course makes me not believe anything she has to say.She is mad, because she figured(as I'm sure most people would)that once he moved back in there, the situation would get the best of me, and I would dump him. She's pretty bitter that it hasn't gone that way. All she kept saying was that i need to leave him alone. Well nothing was accomplished by the call, but I just thought I'd update. Thanks

[kyrisma]

It's unfortunate for us all, but I am somewhat relieved to see that someone else is in the same situation as I am.

 

For a long time I have been thinking that my b/f has been lying to me and just wanted to stay living with the mother of his children because he wanted his cake and eat it to. But now I see that it's really possible that he is only doing it for the sake of his son and doesn't know how to get out of the situation without a lot of added problems.

 

I too drive myself crazy wondering if he really is sleeping on the couch or if he's really only dealing with her on a parental level? A lot of questions run through my head daily and I ask myself how long can I put up with this? How long can I put up being with a man who tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but is still living with another woman because of the kids they have together?

 

Reading your posts have opened my eyes a little being as though I see I'm not the only one. So maybe I can try putting a little trust in him if I really want us to work out.

 

You ladies have given me something to think about, even though I still may have my doubts.

 

Thank you

 

P.S. km82794 how long did you put up with the situation before you gave him the ultimatium?

[Sandra]

Yes,even though it's a crappy situation, it is nice to know other people are going through the same thing. It makes you feel like less of an idiot, because other people are dealing or have dealt with the same thing. None of my friends understand. How long have you been going through this w/ your bf? If you could share some of your experiences, i would greatly appreciate it.

[kyrisma]

Reply/Sandra

 

I have been going thru this since they have been married and it has been a year now. That is exactly how I felt and still sometimes feel like an idiot. I just feel like I am the loser in all of this because she gets to have him so to speak, because he wants to give her an illusion of a "family" just to keep peace with her and to avoid hurting his son.

 

But I question everyday, does he know how bad this hurts me? Does he really love me? Is he really going to eventually get out of that situation? These and many more ask myself.

 

How long have you been dealing with your situation? How is it at this point?

[Sandra]

Well, he and I have been together 21 months on Friday, known each other for about 2 1/2 years. My situation has been at it's worst since about June, when she purposely disappeared on Father's day, and he did not get ot see his children. From that point on, he decided he was going to be in his children's lives no matter what-hence moving back into the house. It's not good right now. I want to trust him, but like any other woman would, I have my doubts, and that's natural. I don't know how much longer I can deal at this point. His ex is never going to grow up and act like an adult, so it's beating a dead horse. He feels like he's starting to get himself together again, but I don't know how much i have left in me before I fall apart.

[kyrisma]

Originally posted by Sandra

but I don't know how much i have left in me before I fall apart.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel....