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Dealbreakers


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Many people have asserted (apropos other people's situations, in other people's threads) that such-and-such would be an absolute dealbreaker for them - implying that they would never put up with what that person was accepting... but in their own Rs, they may in turn accept something which someone else might consider completely unforgiveable. Each R is different, and dealbreakers are completely relative to each individual in their particular R.

 

So I thought it would be interesting to see what people thought would be dealbreakers in an A - and whether that would also be a dealbreaker in a non-A R; and what they thought would be dealbreakers in a non-A R, and whether they thought those would be dealbreakers in an A, also.

 

And whether there were any that everybody agreed on :laugh:

 

I'll start:

 

Dealbreaker in an A: not respecting my space, time and independence.

In a non-A R: perhaps to a lesser degree. My H still respects this in our M, but asserting my independence matters less, somehow, so I'm less hassled about it (if that makes sense?)

 

Dealbreaker in a non-A R: wanting to meet my parents / kids / friends / colleagues.

In a non-A R: less likely to be an issue - more compartmentalising from both sides is likely.

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GreenEyedLady

Hmm, that is a good question.

 

I think that the dealbreaker in my R is being disrespectful and not being a priority,period.

 

In a non-A R, A-R and even in M.

 

I am important, my H is important and everyone's needs need to be met.

 

I almost think that our R has a bigger chance of being successful because we place such an emphasis on communication.

 

Maybe M's in general would be happier if both spouses were honest with each other and communicated too.

 

GEL

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Feelin Frisky

I must be an A-hole because I don't know what the heck up with these A's non-A's.

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GreenEyedLady
I must be an A-hole because I don't know what the heck up with these A's non-A's.

 

Guess you're not on the A-list!

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Feelin Frisky
Guess you're not on the A-list!

 

 

Well, thanks at least for not confirming that I'm a A-hole. I did quite set myself up for an A-kicking. ;):)

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crazycatlady

From my point of view as a married woman who has an open marriage so I'm putting instead of an Affair I'll use an outside lover so OL.

 

M - if he hit me or threatened to hit me. If he belittled me verbally, especially in front of the children but really at any point. If he no longer loved me.

 

OL - He thinks he's a better lover then my H, I don't like braggers, I don't like boosters, and no one is going to be better then my H, the few guys that have tried it, immediately stopped talking to them. If he tries to get me to even talk about leaving my H. Not happening. The closest it has come is someone telling me that if I ever dump my H to please let him now, but even that made me back off a little with him.

 

I'm very easy going, little is an absolute issue for me with my H. The outside lover was a bit different because its suppose to be fun and enjoyment. The minute it stops, its not worth it to keep it going on either side of it.

 

CCL

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Summer Breeze

Dealbreakers chop and change with many of us. I had always said if someone cheats on me that's a dealbreaker. It was a boundary I set when I got married and when I was faced with it I held to it. Not everyone does. What if he'd cheated on me when I was 55 rather than 25? When I was headed into retirement and had more history with him. Would I have looked at it differently. Absolutely. I'm in my 40s now and I'd look at it differently than I did almost 20 years ago. Then I had the arrogance of youth and a son to think about. Now I would be thinking about financial security and growing old alone.

 

I always said I would never entertain the thought of getting close to a married man. Then I met my MM. The feelings were strong and swift and quite frankly I didn't want to resist them. I wasn't vulnerable or hurt or lonely. I was in love. That's been over for some time now and I am back to the dealbreaker of a man being married.

 

Disrespect, physical or emotional violence, or being unhappy more often than I'm happy would be my dealbreakers for a relationship. Also someone who chose not to work or I thought was taking advantage of my good nature. Once upon a time my child's thoughts on a partner could have been a dealbreaker, but as an adult and out of my life it makes little difference.

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When the consequences outweigh the benefits of the relationship.

 

I agree with this principle, but want to clarify - are you meaning that there is no single thing that would immediately be a dealbreaker, as long as the balance of good still outweighed bad, or are there some things that you would not be prepared to tolerate, even if the balance of good still outweighed bad?

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jennie-jennie
I agree with this principle, but want to clarify - are you meaning that there is no single thing that would immediately be a dealbreaker, as long as the balance of good still outweighed bad, or are there some things that you would not be prepared to tolerate, even if the balance of good still outweighed bad?

 

Yes, there is no single thing that would immediately be a dealbreaker to me (of course with the exception of extreme things like forcing me to prostitute myself :eek:). I love my men and know they are good men at heart. Anybody can do something bad or stupid. I have in the past and I will in the future.

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I feel that this is a a area of myself that I desperately need to work on, in that I don't have good boundaries. I realize that part of it has to do with my recent experience but I also see that I've always had problems in this area of my life, specifically my intimate relationships with men. In other respects and interactions with men that I'm not romantically involved with, I'm a "don't take a lot of crap" kind of gal, so I need to really examine and get clear on this just in case I ever do embark on another intimate relationship.

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I feel that this is a a area of myself that I desperately need to work on, in that I don't have good boundaries. I realize that part of it has to do with my recent experience but I also see that I've always had problems in this area of my life, specifically my intimate relationships with men. In other respects and interactions with men that I'm not romantically involved with, I'm a "don't take a lot of crap" kind of gal, so I need to really examine and get clear on this just in case I ever do embark on another intimate relationship.

 

Same :)

 

I call myself The Ice Queen and people think I 'don't take no crap', but when it comes to romantic relationships something goes awry. I'm working on it. A lot. :rolleyes:

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silverplanets
Many people have asserted (apropos other people's situations, in other people's threads) that such-and-such would be an absolute dealbreaker for them - implying that they would never put up with what that person was accepting... but in their own Rs, they may in turn accept something which someone else might consider completely unforgiveable. Each R is different, and dealbreakers are completely relative to each individual in their particular R.

 

So I thought it would be interesting to see what people thought would be dealbreakers in an A - and whether that would also be a dealbreaker in a non-A R; and what they thought would be dealbreakers in a non-A R, and whether they thought those would be dealbreakers in an A, also.

 

And whether there were any that everybody agreed on :laugh:

 

I'll start:

 

Dealbreaker in an A: not respecting my space, time and independence.

In a non-A R: perhaps to a lesser degree. My H still respects this in our M, but asserting my independence matters less, somehow, so I'm less hassled about it (if that makes sense?)

 

Dealbreaker in a non-A R: wanting to meet my parents / kids / friends / colleagues.

In a non-A R: less likely to be an issue - more compartmentalising from both sides is likely.

 

My dealbreaker is anything that is not positive for me or my child ...

 

.. which kinda rules out getting involved in someone elses marriage drama ..:)

 

be safe

Chris

:)

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Fallen Angel

Disrespect, physical or emotional violence, or being unhappy more often than I'm happy would be my dealbreakers for a relationship. Also someone who chose not to work or I thought was taking advantage of my good nature.

 

I would have to agree that these make my list of deal breakers.

 

Also, though I am quite certain I will be called a hypocrite, infidelity towards me would be a deal breaker. (Please keep in mind before you all attack too much that I have always maintained that My Sweetheart should divorce, not carry on an affair. And I have always stated that i am monogamous by nature and have always desired and expected the same from my partners. *whether I got it or not is a different story*) But after having been the betrayed wife for so many long years, I will not accept that again.

 

An emotional betrayal would also be a deal breaker. (ie. Telling a secret that I have shared with him, that I trusted him to keep.)

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