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Is he just controlling me?


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Hey everyone... I don't know if you remember my situation a couple of weeks ago. I am pregnant by a MM who when he found out pushed really hard and dare I say agressive for an abortion.

 

So, two weeks ago I went to spend a few days at my parents (told them I had the flu, I was in fact very sick) and didn't talk to him at all. He tried to call me but I needed time away cause I was getting way too stressed out. My roommate told him where I was.

So, I got back about a week ago and he visited me at my place. He seemed upset and again mad because apparently I ''cut him off' but after fighting again for a little while he soothed and wanted to talk about what I want to do with this pregnancy.

I decided to be straight with him and not play games so I told him how I went to the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy with a blood test and how I have an appointment at an abortion clinic that week for counseling and I will go further from there. He seemed more calmed down, we talked some more about everything and left things on a positive note.

 

We met up for coffee the next day and then again the next one, he was calm, nice, I cried, he comforted etc.

I had counseling on Thursday and it went really well, I felt much better. He called me after it to see how it went, so we talked about that some more... I told him how they made another appointment for me to get a scan on Monday.

He asked whether he can take me, he really wants to be there.

 

Now I am suspicious. Do I let him take me and be there?

 

Cause a part of me thinks that maybe the way he behaved when I first told him was shock and panic and now he's calmed down. I want to clarify that he was always super nice all through our relationship and never even said a bad word to me or made me uncomfortable... I really cared for him and believe he cared for me too.

 

But another part of me thinks that maybe he wants to be there to control me in a way. Cause he knows that I am leaning towards terminating and I will make a final decision after the scan so he wants to be there to stir me in that direction and make sure I am not hesitating. And that this 'nice' act is purely because he knows he will catch more flies with honey... and that he is equally terrified and wants me to abort as the minute he found out.

 

What do you guys think?

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I think gut feelings shouldn't be ignored.

I think you're probably right.

I think he's hoping that you make the decision to definitely have an abortion, and he is going to be there for support and to be there for you.

Read: To make sure you decide to go for it and stick to it.

 

It's your body, your decision and your call.

This is why they offer counselling.

This is why they are there to listen, and give you input on every aspect.

 

but he wants to make sure you swing his way....

 

At least, that's what I'm thinking....

 

And I think you're thinking it too....

I think you should gratefully but politely decline, and thank him for his concern, but you'd really rather do this on your own, with no other influence or input....

 

And see what he says......

 

I'm thinking he won't be happy with that.

 

But I could be wrong.

you know him better than we do.

 

But your gut feeling brought you back here, didn't it? :)

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But I could be wrong.

you know him better than we do.

 

But your gut feeling brought you back here, didn't it? :)

 

Exactly right...

You know... I lost a lot of the trust I had in him with the way he reacted to this.

 

I mean, if he wants to support me, he can do that after I go and have the scan, no?

 

 

Billie - I really didn't have an initial reaction to this, it was just utter shock and fear, a million emotions... and to be completely frank, joy was very low on the list.

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What difference does it make what his intentions are? How will it affect your decision?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Its not that sinister. Hes trying to do the right thing. Hes going to pay for it right? And the polite thing is to go with you and be there to take you home, make sure you are OK after etc etc. This is the extent to which he is taking responibility.

 

I mean really do you REALLY think he wants to go to a clinic with his gf while she does this? God forbid someone saw him there with you etc etc.

 

Its up to you. I wouldnt want him there personally but if you do let him come. If you dont tell him you would prefer to go with a gf and really is is wise for him to be at a clinic like that in the middle of the day etc.

 

If you want him there dont mention the risk he is taking by going but its a good thing to bring up if you dont.

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Exactly right...

You know... I lost a lot of the trust I had in him with the way he reacted to this.

 

I mean, if he wants to support me, he can do that after I go and have the scan, no?

 

 

Billie - I really didn't have an initial reaction to this, it was just utter shock and fear, a million emotions... and to be completely frank, joy was very low on the list.

 

Honestly, how did you expect him to react after being told you were pregnant? He is a married man with a child, right? Did you think he would be over joyed? He is freaking out because the LAST thing he wants is a child with his mistress. I mean, even with couples who are really dating the man many times freaks out; wondering if the woman is trying to trap him. And some ARE trying to trap them!

 

Why are you having a scan? Do you mean a sonogram? What is the point of that if you are having an abortion? To determine how far along you actually are?

 

And like jj asked -- what does it matter what his motivations are? Does it matter if he is asking to go to find out what you are really up to? Maybe he thinks you are playing games with him and don't really have the appt for the procedure? Maybe he wants to make sure you really ARE pregnant and not playing with him, trying to manipulate him.

 

Are you still engaging in a physical relationship with him? What do you hope comes out of all this? Let's say you go ahead with the procedure, do you plan to resume/continue the affair?

 

Quite frankly, if you are done with the affair, then get the money from him for the procedure and end the relationship. Do you have someone to take you home from the procedure, if that is what you are going to do?

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LucreziaBorgia

I think he knows if he is not there, and you see the scan you will be leaning more toward keeping the baby and he will have a harder time talking you into having the abortion.

 

He may be playing nice by appearing to be supportive, so that you will be 'nice' to him and do what is 'best' for him, ie: have the abortion and never have his wife find out about you or the pregnancy.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't let him go. There really wouldn't be a point as I seriously doubt his reasons for going are altruistic.

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looks like he only plays nice when he thinks he will get his way. expect him to be nice as log as you give in to his needs and wants.

 

forget what he may want - YOU should do what you want. if you want this baby - keep it... if you don't - then don't.

 

his expectations and opinions are irrelevant at this point. he knows if you have the baby then he gets outed to his W - and also has to pay support money for the next 18 years. he's going to push dang HARD for you to do it his way because it totally gets him off the hook. he has EVERY reason to be nice as long as you terminate. then after - he may be nice to keep you under cover or he may get mean again to be sure you disappear forever.

 

either way - i definitely think his W has a right to know he has started another life growing inside of you. but then again - he's banking on you being wimpy and quiet - so to keep this a secret. a secret is still a form of lying. tell the W. SHE has a right to know she's married to a man that intends o terminate a baby for HIS convenience.

 

i'd call her today... before MM has a say in that one too. he just doesn't want to get caught for the evidence of HIS bad behavior... but his W should know what he is capable of.

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OP, it's probably best if you go alone. The clinic are pretty good at making sure you understand and make your own decision without outside influence. You'll find it fairly straightforward, and having him there will not support you from what you've said.

 

The scan is to determine how far along you are, but usually you don't look at the screen, not sure about the US. Apart from that, it's normally some urine tests, then counselling.

 

Take lots of time on your own or with someone neutral to make your decision. I seriously advise you not to have him go along with you. There are professionals there to answer any questions you have, and give you as much time as you need.

 

Most people who go through this feel unbelieveably sensitive of any kind of 'pushing' from an outside influence, and even in commited relationships, the woman often perfers to go alone or with a female friend or family member.

 

This is not to say the man cannot be supportive in this situation, he absolutely can. However, they cannot make the decision, or understand the extent of what you are going through, that is for you to do alone. It's very important that you create some space to do that as best you can, as it will help you in the future to be at peace with whatever decision you arrive at.

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Fooled I know you meant well but I didnt say it doesnt matter.

 

I do think he is trying to do the gentlemanly thing so to speak. Hes doing his duty as a guy who got someone pregnant and whose gf told him she has chosen to terminate by offering to accompany her. Its the right thing for him to offer. He may be an MM having an affair but there is nothing evil about this offer IMHO.

 

I think we are getting out of hand suggesting he wants to make sure she has the procedure. He cant "make sure" either she will go voluntarily or she wont. She seems to have made her decision and we have not been asked about the merits of that decision.

 

At the same time Noelle whether you let him go with you is up to you. I think they give you a scan to make sure you are within the legal time limits.

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Is he just controlling me?

 

yes, sure he is. that's why he was so angry before.

 

the real question here is - are YOU going to ALLOW him to control you?

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Noelle I think the bigger question for you is what are you doing with this guy?

 

You now know EXACTLY where he stands with your relationship. Its an affair and isnt going to be more.

 

If you are ending it then why even consider having him come along?

 

If you arent ending it then why not? What exactly do you expect to happen? I can almost guarantee you that you will look back in years to come and say when I was at school I had this relationship and regretting it

 

Youve had the experience got the T shirt starred in the movie etc

 

This is your chance to make a break. Even if guys your age bore you to tears etc etc there are much better ways for you to spend your time

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Listen to JJ, Noelle and I also think TaraMaiden had great advice, especially the part about listening to what your gut is telling you.

 

If I were you, I'd take a friend, who will support you and be there for you. Taking MM would mean you'd have to worry about what his motives really were and that is not the time that you need to be worrying about anything else but yourself.

 

Hugs.......Noelle, big hugs.............

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Honestly, how did you expect him to react after being told his sex toy was pregnant? He is a married man with a child, right? Did you think he would be over joyed? He is freaking out because the LAST thing he wants is a child with his mistress. I mean, even with couples who are really dating the man many times freaks out; wondering if the woman is trying to trap him. And some ARE trying to trap them!

 

Why are you having a scan? Do you mean a sonogram? What is the point of that if you are having an abortion? To determine how far along you actually are?

 

And like jj asked -- what does it matter what his motivations are? Does it matter if he is asking to go to find out what you are really up to? Maybe he thinks you are playing games with him and don't really have the appt for the procedure? Maybe he wants to make sure you really ARE pregnant and not playing with him, trying to manipulate him.

 

Are you still engaging in a physical relationship with him? What do you hope comes out of all this? Let's say you go ahead with the procedure, do you plan to resume/continue the affair?

 

Quite frankly, if you are done with the affair, then get the money from him for the procedure and end the relationship. Do you have someone to take you home from the procedure, if that is what you are going to do?

 

No disrespect and right off topic, but did you just call a pregnant OW a sex toy?

 

Hmm. Not sure that seems respectful.

 

Anyway, to the poster.

 

You are in dire straights. ((((((hugs)))))))

 

My advice is speak to your friends -the ones who will listen to you and not their own agenda. This is a huge decision. Really don't listen to the guy who has an agenda surrounding whether you have the kid. Go away and listen to your own peace.

 

If the guy doesn't want the kid, he will do anything, including gaslighting, to help make your decision.

 

You owe him nothing in this respect.

 

It's simple - do you want a termination or a child?

 

Do not listen to a single person who is trying to persuade you. Bounce your ideas off people to help you know your own heart.

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No disrespect and right off topic, but did you just call a pregnant OW a sex toy?

 

Hmm. Not sure that seems respectful.

 

Anyway, to the poster.

 

You are in dire straights. ((((((hugs)))))))

 

My advice is speak to your friends -the ones who will listen to you and not their own agenda. This is a huge decision. Really don't listen to the guy who has an agenda surrounding whether you have the kid. Go away and listen to your own peace.

 

If the guy doesn't want the kid, he will do anything, including gaslighting, to help make your decision.

 

You owe him nothing in this respect.

 

It's simple - do you want a termination or a child?

 

Do not listen to a single person who is trying to persuade you. Bounce your ideas off people to help you know your own heart

 

QUOTE]

 

Oh and back to bolded, well is it right to call an OW a sex toy ever?

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I'm confused. I took a friend to an abortion clinic for an abortion a number of years ago. They only did a urine test before counseling. Only after she had decided on an abortion, did they do a sonogram- and that was just to ensure she was within legal time limits. Had she gone through counseling and decided to continue with the pregnancy, they would have referred her back to her OB for sonograms and prenatal care. I called the clinic's 24- hour helpline, and they verified that they only do "scans" once an abortion is decided upon.

 

Perhaps I misread your post, but I took it to say you had not made your decision, you were going in for counseling. Your post said that though you were LEANING toward an abortion, you were going in for a "scan" and then counseling. According to my source, the "scan" is only done on the day of the termination procedure.

 

Perhaps your MM is on the same page I am, because otherwise, I'm quite confused.

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I'm confused. I took a friend to an abortion clinic for an abortion a number of years ago. They only did a urine test before counseling. Only after she had decided on an abortion, did they do a sonogram- and that was just to ensure she was within legal time limits. Had she gone through counseling and decided to continue with the pregnancy, they would have referred her back to her OB for sonograms and prenatal care. I called the clinic's 24- hour helpline, and they verified that they only do "scans" once an abortion is decided upon.

 

Perhaps I misread your post, but I took it to say you had not made your decision, you were going in for counseling. Your post said that though you were LEANING toward an abortion, you were going in for a "scan" and then counseling. According to my source, the "scan" is only done on the day of the termination procedure.

 

Perhaps your MM is on the same page I am, because otherwise, I'm quite confused.

 

I think in the early stages of pregnancy, you may have a scan whether the reasons be psychological or physical. About the health (physical and mental) of mother and potential child.

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Fooled I know you meant well but I didnt say it doesnt matter.

 

I do think he is trying to do the gentlemanly thing so to speak. Hes doing his duty as a guy who got someone pregnant and whose gf told him she has chosen to terminate by offering to accompany her. Its the right thing for him to offer. He may be an MM having an affair but there is nothing evil about this offer IMHO.

 

I think we are getting out of hand suggesting he wants to make sure she has the procedure. He cant "make sure" either she will go voluntarily or she wont. She seems to have made her decision and we have not been asked about the merits of that decision.

 

At the same time Noelle whether you let him go with you is up to you. I think they give you a scan to make sure you are within the legal time limits.

 

Sorry jj - I meant to say "Like Nancy said....". I inadvertantly said your name!

 

As for the scan, I have never heard of it being done - like I said in the other post, I took my niece for one of her abortions and I picked up another friend who had one and neither had a 'scan' done.

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No disrespect and right off topic, but did you just call a pregnant OW a sex toy?

 

Hmm. Not sure that seems respectful.

 

.

 

Really?

 

She is 20 and he is what... 30 something -- possibly 36, right?

 

They are having sex, right?

 

Do you think this 36 year old guy is really into her brain? Do you think they have deep meaningful conversations about what is going on in the world?

 

She herself admits to being a partying 20 year old student. She likes the thrill of the affair.

 

So how is it 'disrespectful' to call is as I see it? How about it is disrespectful of YOU to not PM me your thoughts vs putting them out here and threadjacking? Either way, I highly doubt MY opinion of this really matters in the grand scheme of her deciding whether to abort or become a single parent at 20 years old.

 

As they say, when you play with fire, you are going to get burned.

 

Additionally - how 'respectful' is it for someone to be sleeping with a MARRIED person????? How respectful is that to the betrayed spouse and family???

 

I hope this entire experience has taught the OP some valuable lessons. I also hope she makes a decision before it is too late for her to have a procedure and she finds herself unwillingly about to become a parent, which from how she posts, she doesn't want to do that this age. I hope she makes the best decision for HER and stops worrying about the MM and his motivations and examines her motivations in all this too.

Edited by fooled once
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Where I live, a "scan" is only done by an abortion clinic right before (meaning within an hour of) the abortion.

If the MM is familiar with the procedure as my friend had it, he may be thinking he is accompanying her to the actual abortion, not counseling.

 

Or something else is up.

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desertIslandCactus

I am with others who have said no need to involve him.

 

He showed his thoughts and true self when you initially told him and during discussion, he referred to his children as real, and yours as merely a bloodstain.

 

Just as well to leave him out of things. I think he would wish to attend to be certain that an abortion has been finalized.

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Apologies you told him leaning towards.

 

 

DO NOT GO WITH HIM. Tell him you prefer to go with your girlfriends and anyway what if someone saw him there how would he explain it.

 

And people lets be careful we dont want to get a third thread closed.

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This is how the procedure went with me:

 

My gyn did blood tests to confirm the pregnancy, she reffered me to an abortion clinic. I made an appointment, had counseling already on Thursday and then they made an appointment for a dating sonogram to see how far along I am. This will be on Monday.

After I have this, then I make another appointment to get the actual procedure.

 

He offered to go with me on Monday, and then again when I actually get it done.

I told him that I will have a friend go with me (the clinics policy is not to discharge women without having another person there) but he wouldn't hear of it.

 

I don't know... I understand he was shocked and in panic, but his reaction was pretty horrible.

I think I should rather have a neutral presence with me, and not someone for whom I know will get crazily upset if I choose to back out of the whole thing.

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Really?

 

She is 20 and he is what... 30 something -- possibly 36, right?

 

They are having sex, right?

 

Do you think this 36 year old guy is really into her brain? Do you think they have deep meaningful conversations about what is going on in the world?

 

She herself admits to being a partying 20 year old student. She likes the thrill of the affair.

 

So how is it 'disrespectful' to call is as I see it? How about it is disrespectful of YOU to not PM me your thoughts vs putting them out here and threadjacking? Either way, I highly doubt MY opinion of this really matters in the grand scheme of her deciding whether to abort or become a single parent at 20 years old.

 

As they say, when you play with fire, you are going to get burned.

 

Additionally - how 'respectful' is it for someone to be sleeping with a MARRIED person????? How respectful is that to the betrayed spouse and family???

 

I hope this entire experience has taught the OP some valuable lessons. I also hope she makes a decision before it is too late for her to have a procedure and she finds herself unwillingly about to become a parent, which from how she posts, she doesn't want to do that this age. I hope she makes the best decision for HER and stops worrying about the MM and his motivations and examines her motivations in all this too.

 

 

Despite the circumstances it's not very nice to objectify a human being as a ''sex toy''. Especially since you don't even know me.

 

But whatever.:rolleyes:

 

Anyway... our affair is over. Over over over. We both know it... didn't have to talk about that. The bubble has been burst.

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