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Not all MM are liars


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;) You can see my other post re: me being the OW knowingly for the first time in my life. I believe this is an EA for him and I believe the BS is also having an EA, but this is only from what I have been told.

 

I also know that not every MM is a liar. I was the BS if you could call it that in my marriage. However, my exH only started the EA after we had been separated and living apart for several months. He is still with the girl and it took four years for us to be divorced. But he lives with his girlfriend and lived with her while we were separated. She met my kids and me because I wanted to know who she was since she was around my children.

 

I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....

 

I am sharing this story because I think there are valid reasons why divorce takes long and why all MM/MW in As are not liars. My exH and I did not care about the paper, we lived separately, had our own lives and strictly dealt with each other on the issues surrounding the kids. We did go on vacations together after we separated and for about 6 months after the separation we still were sexually involved. After I ended the sexual relationship, he wanted to reconcile once and I wanted to discuss the possibility of reconciliation for the kids prior to the finalization of our divorce. He told me that he didn't want to be in an unhappy marriage and neither should I. We have been divorced for 3 months now.

 

I guess that is why it gives me hope and trust in my MM right now.

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Lady vs Panda

1. I personally wouldn't really call you much of a betrayed spouse if your husband didn't start an emotional affair until several months after you had already separated and been living apart. At that point the marriage was technical, not alive and entwined about you, right?

 

2. If he didn't tell his girlfriend he was married but separated and she had to find out about it on her own and was upset about it, then yes, he is a liar. I bet he didn't tell her he was still having sex with you, either. Because he is a liar.

 

3. He didn't care about the divorce, but she obviously did, and he let it just drag along unresolved for years until she got so fed up she paid for it herself. That's actually very sad, for her, and not the best illustration of a 'legitimate' reason for a divorce to take a long time.

 

You sound like you're in for a bad time with your MM if these are things you take as a good sign of a good relationship. Sorry.

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alexandria35
I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating.

 

Sounds like a liar to me.

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I agree with the others that he did lie. But I have a feeling that what you're trying to say is that not all MM who are seeing another woman end up staying in their marriages, or that they don't all lie about the condition of their marriage. In other words, your xH indicated to the OW that he wanted to be with her, and that turned out to be the truth.

 

Sometimes the MM doesn't necessarily lie about being with the OW or leaving his marriage, but he does things to bait her into believing that what they have together is the best thing since sliced bread and that he'll eventually leave. Whether he's out and out lying, whether they're truly separated or not, it's usually the secrecy that breaks the relationship down and the realization that things aren't going to change. Your xH may not have hidden his gf from the family, and they may explain her tolerance to the lie he told her; because other things he said fell into place. The truth is, most OW spend a lot of time in a relationship that goes nowhere - not necessarily because she was lied to but because somewhere inside she believed in him more than she should have.

Edited by Angel1111
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whichwayisup
. My exH and I did not care about the paper, we lived separately, had our own lives and strictly dealt with each other on the issues surrounding the kids.

 

This sounds like a real separation. I hate to say it, but most who DO post here and say that their MM is separated or on the way to divorce, aren't. MM may TELL their OW they are, but it's not exactly true and they're still functioning and part of their wives daily lives.. Living life, attending family functions, socializing, going out etc..

 

Problem is, your MM has told you he is still intimate with his wife sometimes. You're only 4 months into this and honestly, you don't "know" him that well.

 

Let his actions show you if he truly is separated or on the way to a divorce.

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@Angel - that was what I was trying to say - is that he didn't lie about us truly being separated and heading towards divorce...I just see all the time on the MB that MM are liars about being separated.

 

@Which - you are right also. I don't know him that well...and I think my decision is going to be made very soon as he texted me tonight that the job he had lined up fell through and that he would call me after he talked with his wife to discuss "some issues". If he calls, I am laying it out there and telling him to sh*t or get off the pot. If he doesn't call, I have my answer and I'm done. Do you think that it would be wrong of me to contact his BS if we break it off? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

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Don't waste your time telling his wife - it's a pointless exercise. Typically what happens is that the finger ends up getting pointed at you and you become the scarlett woman, the one who enticed him, the homewrecker. This rarely goes well and I strongly recommend against it.

 

If he doesn't call you, or if your ultimatum doesn't get results (which it won't) then just walk away. A better option than giving him an ultimatum is to just calmly let him know that you've given this some thought and you don't want to be an OW any longer. Let him know that you just can't go on this way and that you're asking him to please leave you alone so that you can move on. If this doesn't cause him to make a choice to be with you (in the right way), then nothing will. He'll keep trying to drag you back into the relationship but at least he'll know why you stopped talking to him.

Edited by Angel1111
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Any married person who is in an affair is necessarily a liar, unless of course they are in an open relationship, in which case, it's not really cheating. But those are very rare circumstances. Chances are, your MM is a liar. The distinction is that you're able to live with his lies...for now.

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I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....

 

Um, so you start a thread to assert that not all MM are liars, and you know this to be truth, and the example you use, is of your ex-H lying to the OW about being married.

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

I think you kinda lost the argument, hon.

 

But, I guess if remembering and sharing how your H lied to his OW makes you feel more secure that YOUR MM is not a liar, then best of luck with that.

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I don't see where your R with your xH was remotely traditional or should be poster child for the subject.

 

About your MM- Well, he is not your xH (which also lied:confused:) so to think that he'll do the same (so you think) is kinda naive. Don't you think?

 

In any event, good luck with finding out if your MM is a liar or not.

We'll be here!;)

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torranceshipman
;) You can see my other post re: me being the OW knowingly for the first time in my life. I believe this is an EA for him and I believe the BS is also having an EA, but this is only from what I have been told.

 

I also know that not every MM is a liar. I was the BS if you could call it that in my marriage. However, my exH only started the EA after we had been separated and living apart for several months. He is still with the girl and it took four years for us to be divorced. But he lives with his girlfriend and lived with her while we were separated. She met my kids and me because I wanted to know who she was since she was around my children.

 

I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....

 

I am sharing this story because I think there are valid reasons why divorce takes long and why all MM/MW in As are not liars. My exH and I did not care about the paper, we lived separately, had our own lives and strictly dealt with each other on the issues surrounding the kids. We did go on vacations together after we separated and for about 6 months after the separation we still were sexually involved. After I ended the sexual relationship, he wanted to reconcile once and I wanted to discuss the possibility of reconciliation for the kids prior to the finalization of our divorce. He told me that he didn't want to be in an unhappy marriage and neither should I. We have been divorced for 3 months now.

 

I guess that is why it gives me hope and trust in my MM right now.

 

But he lied to his girlfriend already, saying he was not married for a whole 9 months of the relationship. Clearly he lies a lot.

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Not all MM are liars
.....

 

...but this one patently is.

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Any married person who is in an affair is necessarily a liar, unless of course they are in an open relationship, in which case, it's not really cheating. But those are very rare circumstances. Chances are, your MM is a liar. The distinction is that you're able to live with his lies...for now.

Yes, technically he's a liar because he doesn't tell his W the truth.

 

But it doesn't automatically mean that he is lying to OW when he says he doesn't love his W and wants out of the M.

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whichwayisup
@Which - you are right also. I don't know him that well...and I think my decision is going to be made very soon as he texted me tonight that the job he had lined up fell through and that he would call me after he talked with his wife to discuss "some issues". If he calls, I am laying it out there and telling him to sh*t or get off the pot. If he doesn't call, I have my answer and I'm done. Do you think that it would be wrong of me to contact his BS if we break it off? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

 

You have to keep in mind, you've only been seeing him for FOUR months. That isn't long.

 

And no, don't call his wife. Why would you? To stir problems up, in hopes she'll tell him to go away and divorce so he'll be yours? Stay out of their marriage.

 

I doubt very much the job thing fell through, he changed his mind. He has the right to change his mind, not only about the move and job, but about everything. I know you're hurting, but let him have time and space.

 

In the meantime focus on other things, your friends, family, and keep busy. Don't make him your number one.

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I also know that not every MM is a liar.

You go to explain that you knew about your H's GF.

 

I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating.

We did go on vacations together after we separated and for about 6 months after the separation we still were sexually involved.

 

But for NINE Months , she didnt know about you.

 

I guess that is why it gives me hope and trust in my MM right now.

 

So, you have concluded that your H was not a liar because he only lied to his OW....and this gives you hope that your current MM is only lying to his wife???

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Okay, this is not meant to be an argument:eek: Let me explain further, my xH was dating this girl, seeing her maybe once every two weeks she never questioned if he was married or what happened to the mother of his kids - she didn't meet the kids until they started seeing each other seriously and after she was told he was married, but separated. My point on this is that he didn't lie to her about the marriage being over, that he and I were through and the marriage was a piece of paper at that point. He had no reason to tell her he was still legally married but separated when he started casually dating her. If the feelings began to grow stronger, he knew he would have to tell her of the "situation" and what we were going through. He didn't have to concern her with being the OW because in our marriage, I wasn't a "BS" because we were separated completely without legal documents in hand. I had my own house (purchased on my own) and he had his own.

I just want to give some insight that when the discussion of our separation was brought up with her, he didn't lie to her about us being through and there was no chance of reconcilation on either end.

 

@Which - you are great with advice. He called last night. We're cool, I have decided to just lay low and not make him my priority until he comes up here. The job was a fall through (I know the people he was going to work for.) If he comes, he comes.

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He had no reason to tell her he was still legally married but separated when he started casually dating her. If the feelings began to grow stronger, he knew he would have to tell her of the "situation" and what we were going through.

 

Wow. Talk about spinning things to suit your own argument.

 

So, by this logic, then your MM has no reason to tell you anything - like, the fact that he has sex with his wife every night and genuinely loves her, or that he has no intention of ever leaving her for you and that you're just sex on the side. Or, that he has herpes, or has a criminal record for being a pedophile... You know, inconsequential stuff that's on a need to know basis.

 

You also said that even after 9 months of dating, your H never told the OW he was married, and she had to find out on her own.

 

Your H OMITTING TRUTH AND FACT is the same thing as a lie. The OW never asked if he was married, because *most* people think if someone is dating, they are single.

 

I'm just amazed you are still trying to contend that he was a good guy, even though he lied to the OW for 9 months about being married. lol

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;)

 

 

I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....

 

 

I don't understand.

 

If he didn't lie to OW about his status...what exactly was it that he didn't tell and she found out about? And if he didn't lie...what exactly was it that she was livid about?

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whichwayisup
@Which - you are great with advice. He called last night. We're cool, I have decided to just lay low and not make him my priority until he comes up here. The job was a fall through (I know the people he was going to work for.) If he comes, he comes.

 

Thanks for the compliment.

 

It's good that you're going to slow thing down. What is the rush anyway? Let things happen on their own and naturally. He needs to adjust to everything and the life changes, dealing with the kids etc, and as much as he may feel for you and you him, he doesn't have it in him to "give" you what you want. That and (said this before) it's only been four months, which is not that long.

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Once again, not an argument. She was livid because she thought that he was cheating on me with her and that is why he didn't bring it up. After understanding the situation as it stood, she laid back until she purchased a house with him and then started pushing for the divorce to go final. Look, take it how you want. I take it this way...all people can LIE, not just MM/MW. Think about relationships with non MM/MW, they can make promises, guarantees and vows and it doesn't work out the way they thought or want it would. Does that make them liars? I know that in relationships that I have had, I have said things that I wouldn't consider lies, rather emotionally outbursts. :D

 

With my MM for the things that are of concern, he comes outright and tells me, I don't have to ask him. He has revealed all of his "secrets" including his past transgressions and so on. He still does love his wife and I accept that, they were together for 9 years and have children together. It has never been a question of him leaving her for me, he already left her (similar to my xH and my situation). Is there a question of him going back to her, yes...but that would be the case even if he was divorced or had a prior serious relationship that involved children and contact was necessary. Does he still have sex with her - he says no and I believe him - you can call me stupid, naive, whatever...but he was honest about having sex with her when we first met and why would he lie at this point? He has no reason to, he isn't with me. Him having sex with her wouldn't phase me right now, I expect it to happen. We are not in a committed relationship and can't be. I am accepting this now.

 

I am choosing in the situation I am in right now to act like it is a regular relationship...building trust along the way, taking time to get to know him and making my decisions/reactions on the way the relationship unfolds not solely because he is separated and not divorced.

 

@Which - you're welcome. I agree, he agrees - what is the rush? Calm down is what I'm telling myself. I don't need to take this advice for just this relationship, but for every relationship that I encounter throughout my life. I moved in with my ex-husband 1 week after I met him (can you say needy?) I have told my MM that I am a tad obsessive and anxious about relationships and that I am working through it. I didn't date for 4 years after my separation because I was so focused and doing my own thing. And now, I think I am in this crazy lonely mode that when the prospect of a relationship appears I am in a rush to make it happen quick. I have to realize that all things take time to be right...need to tell my heart hush up and calm down.

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Thank you for the clarification. One last question, and I'll shut up and go away.

 

Is your MM today being completely honest with his wife about his relationship with you? Does she know that he's seeing/sleeping with you?

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No, my MM is not being honest with her - part of my apprehension and laying back from the relationship right now. I know that there are things that will blow up once (if ever) he does tell her and I don't necessarily want to deal with the drama. It is drama with his kids, based on what he has told me (believe me I know it's his side) she has threatened to make it extremely difficult for him to see his children should he get involved with someone else. Occassionally, she still wants to be with him...when things are going right or she is having problems with the kids. That is what I used to do with my xH, I would want to be with him when the kids were giving me a hard time or I was getting overwhelmed..I would call him constantly and text non-stop knowing that I was interrupting a date or something else. I really didn't want to be with him, just wanted him to be around.

 

Here is how I see it...when my xH and I were separated he never told me about the girls he was seeing/sleeping with because I really had no right to know - we weren't together and it wasn't my expectation. Same thing for him, he doesn't want to know who I am sleeping/seeing now or when we were separated.

 

Do I think that it would make it better if my MM would tell his W? I don't know. She is going to find out sooner or later because we don't hide in the house or go to places no one knows him. Last week, a mutual friend of both his and his wife was hanging out with us at my house and said to my MM after leaving the house...I know you are in love with this girl (me) are you going to get a divorce now? My MM didn't tell me his response, but I can only assume that "me" is going to get back to the W. In addition to this occurrence, I have met his family and I know it will get back because he was holding my hand, etc. in front of them.

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I don't have much time but this whole mess (yeah, its a mess) has more red flags than a communist plaza during the May Day Parade.

 

You've contradicted yourself at least twice - and I haven't even read it all that well yet.

 

You say MM aren't liars (the implication being yours isn't as well) while he lies to his W. Hello?

 

And he tells you he isn't having sex with her but you expect him to? Uh...that isn't the hallmark of trust and honesty - hell, YOU don't even believe him.

 

He hasn't even FILED for D yet? So if he files he is FILING for YOU - something you say you didn't want. Lots of issues here.

 

I might comment later in more detail...

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